I own no Ben 10 characters. This story could have been 8 agonizing chapters long like the original, but I would prefer not to have one paragraph or three to four sentences per chapter just to appear as though my story is longer than one single chapter. And barely that. Mmm, love that superfluous filler.
"We've been wandering aimlessly for what seems like hours," whined one of the nameless expendable extremely minor character liberation forces of the Null Void to the secondary set of characters.
"Shut up already! We'll get there when we get there," said Manny, the gangsta Tetramand. He's so black, black, y'all. Gangsta as pure gangsta hood rat thug can be. As characterized by racists who must project their hatreds and perceived flaws onto a scapegoat character when a female character isn't enough. "I will plug you with my pimpin' gat! Is that even how you spell that?" A hoodie and a bag of skittles appeared on Manny. "HOLD UP, WHAT THE FUCK?" He quickly pulled them off and threw them away. "Hell nah, I ain't playin' that shit."
"We should all know exactly where D'Void's citadel is. It's right there where the drill is," Helen Wheels reasoned. "But I am not even going to try and be in character for long, am I?"
"Incredibly basic observation spoken in a completely uncharacteristic way that makes me seem like I'm beyond stupid," Manny turned and said to a random guy.
"Um...What?" The random guy blinked in confusion. "What...what are we even doing? Is there a purpose?"
Helen sighed. "Yes."
Another nameless rebel raised his hand. "Does it involve a needlessly lengthy lead up to D'Void sobbing profusely over his dead annoying Mary Sue baby?" he asked in a nasally voice.
"Yes," everyone else groaned.
"You should know this drill by now. We've only done it TEN FUCKING THOUSAND TIMES already," Manny said with much irritability.
"God damn it," cried the nameless rebel. "Not again! I can't take one more of these!" He put his gun to his head and fired.
"I think they're funny," said another rebel. "Unless I get killed or tortured, of course. I prefer the stories where the characters end up eating ice cream for no reason. Or having a random karaoke party. I like random karaoke parties!"
"Well, this isn't one of those kinds of situations," said Helen.
"More out of character dialogue," Manny stated. Everyone else ignored him and continued on. He swung his arms around angrily. "I hate my life!"
"I'm here for no reason instead of keeping spies out of The Wrench's hair," announced Piece. "The author knows characters' names. Woo hoo." He held out his hands in a gang sign of some sort. "Respect."
"Useless filler dialogue," a rebel shouted.
"Useless filler dialogue," everyone else parroted.
A flock of Null Guardians came out from behind a rock.
"Oh, fuck! We're dead!" a rebel cried.
Everyone scattered in panic, save for the Plumbers' Helpers, the only ones who knew how to fight in the slightest.
"Fuck this shit," Manny yelled. He brandished his sweet uzis and began to fire.
"USELESS FILLER DIALOGUE!" shouted a rebel. A Null Guardian swooped down and bit him in half. "Ow, shit!" he groaned before succumbing to his horrible wounds.
Helen watched the scene with a dull expression on her face. "Okay then," she said.
She zoomed off at breakneck Kineceleran speed to go battle Null Guardians. But gently, so as not to hurt them, for they were innocent creatures who were only being controlled by a power hungry madman. Er, I mean, they were his cuddly pets who did everything for him completely on their own free will out of sheer love and devotion. She kicked one in the face after getting very mad at that deceitful narration. The Null Guardian smacked her in the head with its large wing. She spiraled down onto a rock, landing with a hard thud.
"Ow." She sat up. She rubbed her head. "Battles are more painful and much more interesting when they're written with competence. In my case, this is a bad thing." She brushed herself off. "I'd be screwed in the hands of someone who would actually write detailed and realistic battle scenes. That stuff really hurts."
A Null Guardian fired its mouth energy beam at her. She moved in time to not get incinerated, or perhaps cut apart.
"Stop ominously detailing!" Helen cried.
"Hey, this one is wearing one of those GPS Pet Tracker things," Pierce noted as he held an unconscious Null Guardian. "We can use it to track down D'Void's citadel. Which we should already know the location of, but for whatever reason, don't."
They waited for the defeated Null Guardian to wake up and follow its comrades. It flew back to its tyrannical master. They followed after it.
"Oh, hey, there's the drill. Digging a huge, swirling hole in the dimensional rift. I don't know how we missed that when we were wandering aimlessly for hours, doing nothing," said one of the rebels. He stuck his finger into his nose hole and began to slid it in ever deeper. So deep, it poked his brain. "Ouch! I think I brained my touch!"
"And another thing," a rebel said, "why are there so many of us all of a sudden? In the actual episode, there was just a tiny ragtag band of rebels who aided The Wrench and the Plumbers' Helpers. Because no one was dumb or crazy enough to go up against D'Void."
"You're in a shitty fanfic, stupid. Quit complaining and be thankful you're not dead or molested yet," Manny said.
Some of the slaves within the citadel's walls waved to them as they approached the wide open gate.
"Oh, look at that. The gate is open," said Helen. "I don't think people understand what the word citadel means and what its purpose is."
"Who the fuck cares? Makes our job easier," said Manny.
"Useless filler dialogue that contributes overall nothing to the plot," said one of the rebels quite enthusiastically.
Manny punched him. "Shut the FUCK UP!"
"Expositional piece of dialogue that makes the intelligent audience feel insulted and like they're slowly losing brain cells the longer they choose to read," Helen stated in a monotone.
"D'Void is a jerk," Pierce said.
Everyone nodded.
"But he is also capable of showing deep, obsessively devoted love to a terribly conceived and executed original character who is not in any way a typical Mary Sue. One who is simply not human, which makes her so much better than the other evil Sues out there," Helen asserted. She coughed several times into her hand. "Because Mary Sues are dumb and bad."
"Useless filler dialogue that contributes absolutely nothing to the plot and only serves to slow it even more!" shouted three rebels in unison with their hands in the air. They linked arms and began to kick their legs out.
"Less is more. Show, don't fucking tell," Manny growled. "Having decent spelling and little else does not a magnificent writer make." He grasped his guns tightly. "Let's rush 'em!"
They all began screaming while they ran into the citadel's interior. They paused as D'Void came waltzing out of the chamber with the steps leading up to it, wearing only a standard white bath towel.
"Aw, not another rebel attack. I was in the shower," he grumbled.
He looked and saw his precious ever present annoying Mary Sue, which is totally not a Mary Sue, baby-thing roaming aimlessly around the furnace hole.
"My baby!" he shouted in panic while grabbing his head. "What are you doing out of the hand carved painted redwood birch specially designed crib I fucking made for you, because you need to be treated specially and exactly like a human baby, in fact. A very special human baby. Even though you're not! You're a dumb as rocks and twice as ugly alien animal. But I treat you like my fucking flesh and blood daughter. You could get HARMED or something! Possibly DIE tragically and cause me to break down sobbing hysterically! Like, ten thousand times! Which is, of course, completely in character for me and anyone who says otherwise is a big fat jerk who doesn't know anything about anything. Except how much they smell and are dumb. And stupid, and mean, and fat, and also UGLY!"
"Don't forget immature and whiny," said a rebel. He snickered.
"That too!" D'Void agreed angrily.
The baby thing flew to D'Void's face and began to kiss it. I have never read a phrase so many times in my life that I sincerely developed a wave of nausea fueled disgust anytime I see it. She then began to gnaw on his handsomely large, oddly clean shaven manly man chin.
"Oh, my precious BABY! I can't ever be without you for five minutes! That is not grounds for a Mary Sue," D'Void cooed. "No it isn't! No it isn't!" he gibbered while rubbing the baby-thing's deformed head area before breaking down into sickeningly sweet baby talk. "Oosha boo-boo! Oosha boo-boo-boo! Boo-boo goo-goo!"
"Same line of dialogue I always spit out when I confront you, D'Void!" Manny yelled.
"Yeah, whatever. Sic 'em!" D'Void snapped his fingers. His army of seized Null Guardians sprang up to do his bidding. They swarmed over the rebel forces. "Let's see how this plays out."
"I bet it ends with you crying like a wussy little bitch, dying stupidly, shitting your pants before dying, and obsessing over your creepy little Mary Sue freak until it cries like another little fucking bitch for hours, then dies too, and you both come back as ghost-zombie-vampires for reasons un-fucking-known!" Manny yelled. "Because we haven't fucking heard that like TWENTY THOUSAND TIMES ALREADY."
"Yeah, probably will," D'Void reluctantly acknowledged. He shrugged. "Whatever, I'm used to it."
Helen avoided the main heated battle in the citadel with her friends and companions and instead chose to wander off elsewhere for a quick detour.
"Unnecessary expositional dialogue describing my inner thoughts and what I am doing at each passing moment," she whispered to herself. She slipped into a closet.
She thought it was a closet. It seemed to be a large walk in closet, but instead she curiously discovered it was a bedroom chamber. Chamber is a fun archaic word to use frequently to describe rooms. Because...uh. I don't know. Language points?
"Oh shit, I'm in D'Void's bedroom that he totally has in the Null Void," she exclaimed. "Damn, nice pad that burly bastard has!" She placed her hands on her hips, swiveling her head. "Where the hell did he get all this crap? Bed, Voids and Beyond? Void 1 Imports?"
She saw the extremely lavish specialized giant crib that D'Void somehow had in the Null Void to shelter and contain his ridiculous Null Guardian Mary Sue baby, who was not in fact a Mary Sue, I say, and inevitably someone out there will believe. She looked it over, mustering all her womanly female feminine baby hormone feelz. She got all excited and began to coo and giggle over the crib's pink accessories and numerous cuddly stuffy toys. Where did all this shit come from. The answer continues to elude us all.
"Aw, so adorable! How the fuck he got all this crap in the Null Void of all places is beyond me, but darn if isn't super cute to my stereotypical feminine persuasions." She giggled again. "Wait, why am I standing here gushing over a creepy monster Mary Sue's cutesy illogical accessory bullshit while my friends outside are battling an evil tyrant, and dozens, if not hundreds of bloodthirsty simple-minded creatures under his explicit control?"
She couldn't stop laughing. She sank to her knees as she stared into the crib. She found it hard to take her eyes off the item. Something in her brain felt like twisting, slithering worms of pure hate and madness wrapping through its depths.
"Oh, God, what's going on? I can't...I can't...think!"
She threw herself into the farthest wall. The effect lessened as she removed herself from the area. She shook her head violently. The dullness and pain had cleared up, but slightly.
"It's that thing...That thing...it has such vile power! Over all of us," Helen cried in horrific revelation. "Immeasurable power!"
"You can't escape it, Helper. No one can. I couldn't, and I'm nigh invulnerable," came the familiar voice of D'Void.
Helen turned to see him shadowed ominously in the doorway, holding the infernal beast within his arms and grinning vapidly. She gasped.
"Here. Come, let us be...submissively...complacent." He held the creature up in front of Helen.
She screamed. "Noooooo!" She covered her head with her arms.
The thing sobbed and shrieked violently before attacking.
Helen screamed from within the beast's many tentacles. Darkness enveloped her head and what felt like her entire being. She felt as if she were losing her mind, her very soul, perhaps. It felt as though her entire essence was being sucked completely out. D'Void spoke in high-pitched, gibbering baby talk as he rubbed the baby-thing in Helen's face.
"Give kissies! Give us the kissies! Always kissies!" he cooed. He removed the baby-thing briefly, only to slam it back into Helen's face before she could gasp in another desperate breath. He repeated the action several times. He shouted, "Kiss the baby, kiss the baby, kiss the baby!" in time with the slams.
"D'VOID!" Helen screamed when the thing was lifted off her face ever so briefly. "STOP!"
"I can't," D'Void stated cheerfully. "Expositionary dialogue about how I came to meet this unfortunate fate."
"Oh, God! SOMEONE HELP ME!" Helen screamed. She fell to the floor.
"CUDDLE WUDDLE WOO-WOO BABY-DOO!" D'Void screamed. "I'm not such a bad guy. I fucking LOVE my MARY SUE! That makes me secretly a good man. A very handsome, good man. You can interpret anything based on numerous yaoi manga stereotypes. Anything!"
"No!" Helen cried out in anguish. "You can't pull a completely absurd headcanon interpretation out of your ass, then assert its has canonically valid potential without even making the slightest bit of effort to try and position logically why it has come to be, outside of you liking yaoi mangas and anime, and having various weird fetishes you project onto fictional characters! That shows an extreme lack of care on the...author's...part! Aaaah! And it's insulting to...aaaah...other fans of those characters who actually DO make the effort to apply basic logic to their own headcanons!" She writhed beneath the flailing tentacles, wings, and bulk of the baby-beast. She gasped and gagged as it spat vile stomach contents upon her with each sobbing, screeching breath. "This isn't supposed to-"
"Yes," D'Void said robotically while staring blankly at nothing, "We can. We can do...anything...and you cannot stop us."
Helen's cries became muffled. Then, silence.
The baby-thing released Helen from its grip. D'Void lowered the creature. Helen slumped to the ground, groaning in pain. After a few moments she began to mumble.
"D'Void...loves...his baby-waby," she spoke weakly. She slowly sat up. "I...love...the baby...waby!" A twitching, vapid grin stretched out upon her face. "Baby! Baby...baby...baby."
The baby-thing puked up a flood of yellow-green bile onto the expensive rug. It hissed in triumph.
"More expositionary dialogue stating what everyone who watched the episode this is all incredibly loosely based upon already knows," D'Void said. "I am a loving father." He grinned disturbingly. "No other Mary Sues are as good as this one," he stated. His eye twitched. "Sign my online petition to uncancel the Secret Saturdays."
"Baby, baby, baby!" Helen giggled. She traveled in a repetitive circular pattern until she left a circle imprint in the plush carpeting. "Baby! Baby," she whispered. A bit of drool dribbled from the corner of her mouth. "Babyyyyyy..."
"Baby," D'Void repeated. He lifted the horrible baby-creature-thing into his muscular arms and squeezed it tightly. "My precious baby-waby! Daddy is here for woo! Woo-woo, goo-goo, yes, goo-goo poo-poo! Let's go get some chocolate cake before we murder all the rebels and the rest of the Plumbers' Helpers if they won't convert to your complete dominance."
"Ooh, can I have cake?" Helen inquired happily.
"Sure, why not," said D'Void.
Helen clapped her hands together. "Yaaay, cake for Helen!" she said stupidly. She followed D'Void into his massive kitchen area. Which he had. In the Null Void.
Moments later, the baby-creature pulled its black, slimy tongue from D'Void's mouth. Chocolate stains were upon his lips and around his mouth. We hope they're chocolate.
"They are!" D'Void insisted. His eyes narrowed. Then they went back to their proper proportions. "You know, sometimes the high I get from this Sue is better than the one I get off kormite. But it comes with a price. That price is...freedom of will. And proper characterization. And most of the time I end up dying or getting defeated in increasingly stupid ways. Then there's the endless repetition. Repeating the same scenario, over and over. And it's not even a remotely entertaining one. But damn, that high. It's like...let's say, taking a piss inside your brain. It's nice and warm. Sometimes you get those shivers down your spine. And, on the plus side, Ben Tennyson rarely shows up to be the one to humiliate me and ruin my plans. Well, sometimes, if the parody goes down that way. But not in any of the originals."
"What originals?" Helen mumbled dully.
"Exactly," D'Void sighed. He resumed a placid grin. He clutched his scream-sobbing-vomiting baby-thing tighter. "Blissful ignorance."
(Meanwhile, back outside)
Manny and company were getting their asses kicked.
"Where the fuck did Helen go?" Manny screamed. "We've been fighting these things for SEVEN FUCKING hours now! D'Void and his freak baby just disappeared into the interior chamber and never came back out yet! WHAT THE FUCK is going ON?" His arms were getting tired of punching. His guns ran of ammunition five hours ago.
Most of the accompanying rebel forces had been mutilated by the swarming Null Guardians. The Wrench never showed up to help battle D'Void. Neither did Ben Tennyson. What else is new.
Breathing heavily, Manny lowered his arms when another Null Guardian fell before his might. Manny turned around when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He gasped.
"You killed the Mary Sue's parents, Manny," said Helen while grinning at him in a disturbing manner. She kicked him with lightning speed, repeatedly.
He gasped in pain. He collapsed. "Hel...Helen?! Why?!"
"I was wondering, back when I still had a working brain, why you were always characterized so poorly," she said to him. She spun quickly and whipped him with her tail. "Your character is voiced by a black guy. You know how weeaboos hate black people. You are...the scapegoat! My sworn enemy!" She kicked him in the face.
"Aaaaah!" Manny cried. He fell on his back. He struggled to get up, but could not. "Helen, no! What have they done you? What have they done to us all!" He slammed his fists into the ground.
"You're probably a Nazi, Manny," Helen asserted. She slipped a Swastika armband on him while he was helpless to do anything about it. "NAZI! See, I told you he was a NAZI!" Helen yelled while cupping her hands to her mouth.
"Bitch, this ain't the MCU! Cut that shit out," Manny shouted. He ripped off the armband with what little strength he could muster.
"We have to kill the thing!" Pierce yelled. He pulled out a bazooka from his back pocket, or someplace. He aimed it at the screaming-shrieking baby-thing. He fired. The blast hit the thing, but didn't do any visible damage. It sobbed hysterically anyway, loud enough to cause a ripple of agonizing pain to go through the direct center of everyone's brains. Pierce screamed. He dropped the weapon. "C-can't! Can't...too strong!"
"No!" cried a voice. Surprise, it was Ben Tennyson. He had somehow gotten past the Mary Sue's anti canon main character barrier specifically designed to keep out the main character of the show unless otherwise required. But since this was not a romance!Sue, it had no other effect on him once he made it past. "We have to kick that things ass and free everyone!"
Ben transformed into Big Chill. He shot icicles at the repulsive baby-thing. They melted in midair.
"Fuck it, I'll go for the drill again," Ben said. He dove down into the furnace hole.
"No, don't hurt MY BABY!" D'Void screamed. "She's my BABY! BABY!"
"Don't hurt the baby!" Helen screamed.
Ben found himself face to face with Helen, who ran along the walls trying to fight him off.
"Helen, stop! I have to stop this bullshit! If I don't, it'll take over the story! The entire story! Including all of us! And every other story after that!" Ben yelled.
"I can't let you hurt the baby, Ben!" Helen spoke robotically to him. "It's the baby...D'Void's baby. He loves his baby. I love his baby! We all love...the...baby!"
"No you don't! It's making you think you do! It's controlling your brains!" Ben reasoned.
Helen rapidly slashed at him with her claws. "DIE, TIM BENNYSON!"
"You don't even remember my name anymore!" Ben shook his head in dismay. He had no choice but to punch Helen in the face. "Sorry, this is for your own good." He grabbed her unconscious form in one hand and began to ice up the drill.
Up top, the baby-creature screamed and shrieked and puked and shit a little bit. But mostly it screamed, shrieked, and sobbed. It sobbed hysterically even as it partially devoured the face of one of the nameless expendable rebels. It doesn't have much else going for it in the way of interesting qualities.
"All right, now D'Void can be killed, so let's do it!" Ben yelled.
"No! If you kill me, who will take care of MY BABY!" he screamed. His bottom lip trembled. He tried not to, but eventually he began to sob hysterically. "MY...WAAAH...BABY! WAAAH HAAA! BABY!" His pants fell down, revealing his heart print boxers. Because...um, yeah. Just go with it. He collapsed to his knees and sobbed harder. "Nooo, my precious baby! FEEL SYMPATHY!"
"Seriously, men crying out their tragically kawaii underwear clad edgy man-pain for the sake of female gratification once or twice is one thing. This is a fucking fetish," Ben said. "An obvious fetish. You don't write ten thousand similar stories about an extremely narrow set of criteria when you aren't attempting to express a fetish. One you're probably better off keeping to yourself, unless it's popular with the unwashed masses. Which it is obviously not, so, like, what's up? No one's going to give you the attention you think you deserve outside FetLife or somewhere similar." Ben shrugged, smiling wryly. "But onlookers looking for a laugh and parody makers will come to you like flies to honey, lapping up your rivers of endless gold for as long as you keep putting out. So, whatever floats your insanity boat!"
"Fucking...word," Manny heaved with labored breaths.
The Mary Sue baby-thing puked out a stream of brown liquid. It flew into D'Void's waiting arms. It sobbed hysterically, trying to look cute and pitiable, but failing miserably at it.
"NOOO, MY BABY!" D'Void sobbed as hysterically as possible. He held the baby-monster-thing in his arms even tighter than humanly possible. "You can't take her away from me! I CAN'T BE ALONE! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW IT DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS THE CANON! I REQUIRE SOMETHING TO PROJECT MY CONSTANT OBSESSIVE LOVE ONTO TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION!" D'Void cried many sad tears. Snot poured from his nostrils. "I'm dissociating...I'm dissociating." He curled into a cute little fetal positioned ball of female interpreted male suffering.
One of the rebels lifted his head from the bloody ground. He wasn't entirely dead yet. "See? I knew I should have killed myself earlier like that one guy did. This is the same shit all over again. Over and over and over, and OVER!"
"Daddy loves you so much," D'Void sobbed hysterically while sobbing hysterically. He smushed his face into the stinking body of the omniscient all powerful Null-baby-thing. He peed himself. "Oh...not the water sports!" He sobbed harder and even more hysterically. It wasn't actually possible, but he did it. The Sob-O-Meter broke and began spraying tears into the air.
Ben face palmed. "Fuck my life. Just...fuck my life. I'm tired of this shit. I'm going to go find a Bwevingax fic."
He left to do so. Or maybe he just would cool off and get a smoothie. Painful, violent, abusive, biologically impossible sex written by crazed weeaboos had lost its allure over the many years. Not that it had much to begin with.
Either way, we shall end this travesty here. I've got twenty-hundred more to get to.
THE END