Ah, this is an angsty one-shot. You guys know how angsty I get, so consider yourself warned. It's also slightly "hard to belief" and definitely OOC.
This isn't "Paper Hearts and Twenty Dollars" angsty. Just...Gah, I don't know how to explain it. :(
Disclaimer: I don't own Sia, or her songs. *sobs* And I don't own Jace, Clary, or Simon. *sobs harder*
Also, this is my first time making a songfic, which turned out to be slightly difficult. Be easy on me. Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Review when you're done...Though I'd suggest you listen to this song while you read it. You don't have to, to understand it, though. *shrugs* In case you do, it's Sia's "Breathe Me".
(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~~~)
Help
...
I have done it again.
She closed her eyes against the sobs that were racking her body, shaking her bed and making her gasp for breath. Up until two days ago, her life had been perfect. It'd been average, predictable, but so very easy to live with. She had the perfect boyfriend, with his dark fringe, dark clothes and dark eyes, he sent pleasurable chills down her spine whenever she saw him.
His words were always warm and comforting, his embrace was always soothing and arousing.
Her daily agenda was always planned out perfectly, not a mistake on her schedule.
And then he moved there.
Hurt myself again, today.
He was everything her boyfriend wasn't: His skin wasn't flawless. It was a golden tone, with scars mapping every visible detail, from his drunk of a father, who was now in jail. His hair wasn't straight with a side fringe. And it wasn't dark. His head was a mop of messy golden blond curls, that hung in front of his eyes, and made her itch to push that lock of hair behind his ear, just to be able to admire his face.
His eyes weren't brown, either. They were gold, just like the rest of him.
His gaze excited her more than a simple touch of her boyfriend's, sending fire through her body like flames, licking each vein, every nerve in her.
And...
The worst part is
There's no-one else to blame.
It wasn't his fault she was feeling this way. It wasn't her beloved boyfriend's fault, either. It was all hers. She was selfish. Selfish to want more than what she already had.
The thing that made it even worse for her, though, was that he knew what he did to her.
Whenever she'd glance at him, when her lover wasn't looking, he'd turn at the same second, smirking widely so that his dimples popped out, making her breath and heartbeat quicken, and her blood began to burn and boil, in a good way. His gold eyes were always smug, as if her discreet glimpses gave him a certain sense of accomplishment.
Be my friend
...
Hold me,
Wrap me up.
She would've told her best friend, the one she told all her secrets to. Except for she was in love with her boyfriend, and would've immediataly sided with him, and would most likely tell him how she was lusting after the new boy.
So she kept her selfish little secrets to herself, waiting until she got home to stifle her screams into her pillow, pounding her fists into the mattress, hating both of them for making her feel this way.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that every time she hugged him, she wished it was him that was holding her instead. When she kissed him, she always wished it was him who was holding her closely and kissing her, loving her. It was times like these that she wished her mother was alive. She'd hold her and comfort her while she cried, instead of her muffling her cries of despair into a pillow.
Unfold me.
I am small.
I'm needy.
He was beginning to suspect something, she knew. He would glance at her warily when asking her a question, as if reassuring himself that she was actually there, and listening to every word that he was saying. Truthfully, she was always watching him from across the room, and would inwardly scream at herself for shuddering in delight whenever he'd wink at her, and would sink even lower in her pit of self-hate and pity whenever he heart ached for him whenever he missed a day of school.
Warm me up.
And breathe me.
His suspicions ended. He found out about her feelings about the boy of gold. She'd known something was wrong when he'd shown up at her house, his dark eyes sad and his expression carefully blank. He followed her wordlessly up to her room, and sat down on her bed. The bed that he'd held her for and during so many nights.
He didn't yell at her. He didn't even raise his voice. His tone was calm and soft as he quietly told her that he knew how she felt about the other boy.
She was frozen at her spot at the door.
She didn't remember much of what he'd said, after that. All she knew that none of them were pleasant, and that each word was a blow to her heart, even though she was the one having feelings for the other boy.
Ouch.
I have lost myself, again.
The next day, school was gloomier than most days.
The golden boy was there, but he didn't look in her direction, not once. It was as if he were blatanly ignoring her, or just forgotten that she existed.
He refused to look in her direction, either, the air around him hostile and black. Even her best friend ignored her, other than casting disdainful looks over her shoulder, she looked at her with disgust, obviously siding with him.
She was all alone.
Lost myself
And I'm nowhere to be found.
Her dreams that night were dark with gold, his golden eyes sparkled at her in her dreams like they never had in real life. His face was warm, his body like a furnace.
Though, she knew, in reality his words were cold.
Yeah,
I think that I might break.
Her chest felt like it was being ripped apart, she thought to herself, as she continued to rock her bed with the force of her sobs. She had fallen for a guy who hadn't even spoken one word to her, and ended up losing the best boyfriend and friend in the world. And he wasn't even single, either.
I've lost
Myself again, and I feel
Unsafe.
She felt in danger of losing what little pieces of sanity she had left. At night, the shadows would taunt her, morphing into the faces of the three; Darkness, betrayal, and gold.
Be my friend.
The voices that pounded in her head, the voices of the three saints that were responsible for her undoing, were her only comfort. They told her things that gave her hope. She didn't care that they were false hopes.
Hold me,
Wrap me up.
Unfold me.
Her father and brother didn't notice the changes in her. They didn't notice her muttering to herself, or the way she slapped her face, the Betrayal scolding her for lying and cheating.
I am small.
I'm needy.
Warm me up.
At school, she saw the Golden kissing his girlfriend sweetly, stroking her hair back softly, and letting her head fall onto his chest, as he played with her hair.
And,
Breathe me.
Be my friend.
She laid her head in her hands, the voices whispering at her that this is what she deserved, what happened when she lied and broke the Darkness like that, and hurting the Betrayal in the process.
Hold me,
Wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small.
I'm needy.
Warm me up.
Selfish.
And,
Undeserving.
Breathe me.
She looked over at them, one last time.
They'd always be with her, in her head.
Where she wasn't so selfish.
And didn't crave things that weren't hers to begin with.
Golden: Jace
Darkness: Simon
Betrayal: Isabelle