(A/N) A one-shot for my own personal entertainment. XD Don't hate me, I'm a very perverted person.
Part of this story is inspired by 1,000 ways to die. I don't own or get any money out of either 1,000 ways to die or Naruto. So, you CAN'T sue.
DETAILS HAVE BEEN UPDATED~ THANKS TO ATOMIC SHARKS! ^3^
Itachi walked behind his blue skinned partner. They were currently heading toward an inn in a nearby village. The thought of rest made the Uchiha's back ache. Why in the hell did Pein pick them for a mission like this? Obtaining a scroll was fine, but with a bounty attached? This was something that Kakuzu normally dealt with.
For some reason, leader had requested them to do it because Kakuzu was busy with some 'private' matters, whatever that meant. Itachi ran his hands across the scroll hidden in his cloak. It was a sort of habit to make sure that the item in question was still in his possession. Believe it or not, this was a good habit. Many times, Itachi had suggested to Kisame to do the same, but he refused; saying it was like having mild OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
The raven Uchiha sighed to himself, coming back into reality. There was a time for daydreaming and doing it while there was a bounty in their hands was the worst thing that he could do. The bound bounty that was currently thrown over Kisames' shoulder groaned in protest of his rough position.
Itachi stared at the bound ninja.
"What are we, thugs," the raven thought to himself, "we have to go out with no info on our bounties and they expect us to bring them in while we ourselves are criminals."
The sound of Kisame's voice broke Itachi's train of thought instantly.
"Quit moving," he snarled at the wiggling captive, "you're going to scratch my precious Sameheda!"
Itachi gave a relieved sigh. It was only the captive. Maybe the reason Pein had sent him with Kisame was to make sure he didn't kill anyone over his precious Shamada.
"Sameheda-," the raven breathed out silently; too low to hear.
A streak of jealously hit him. It was common for Itachi to be jealous of Kisame's blade. The man took it everywhere, constantly polished it, and spoke about it like it was going out of style. Some days, it would be easier if the damned thing was gone!
Itachi bit his own lip. He couldn't be seriously thinking of getting rid of that blade just so his sharky partner would pay more attention to him? Could he? Another loud noise brought the raven out of his personal dream land. The sickening crack of Kisame's fist against something made him quickly activate his sharingan. He looked up at the taller man to see him cursing his ass off after he threw a large and heavy blow to the captives head.
"Don't-," Itachi yelled, for a moment showing emotion in his voice, "uh, don't hurt the captive, Kisame. If you kill him, we won't get paid."
Luckily, they were close to an inn. At the door to be precise. Itachi paid for a single room (lack of cash) and guided this partner and hostage to their room.
"The motherfucker scuffed my Sameheda," Kisame snarled as if his baby got hurt.
That Jashin damned blade again….,Itachi mentally snarled. Kisame ignored his partners signals of annoyance as he tossed the bound bounty onto an old mat.
"You sure it's okay, to stay overnight with him? ," Kisame asked blankly while glancing suspiciously at his slightly damaged blade.
Itachi flinched again. Even for a legally blind man, he knew that the shark was thinking of his Sameheda and nothing else. Hell, the man would probably give up the clothes on his back to keep that damned thing. To control his rage, the raven glanced at the mumbling captive and let loose. He thrust his foot into the side of the brunette ninja's head.
"Shut up," he growled with little emotion, "you'll be turned in tomorrow, so quit throwing a fit!"
Unconcernedly, part of the comment was meant for a certain blue skinned shark. Normally, Kisame was a bit more attentive and would respect his partners' moods, but something has changed lately. He couldn't figure out what, but it was getting on his nerves quickly.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Itachi sat on the window ledge staring at his partner. As their bounty slept peacefully, Kisame was busying himself by cleaning his blade and codling it like a frail child. The raven frowned, his forehead creasing in the process. He flat out hated that blade now. He wanted more of the sharks' attention and he wanted it now!
He took a moment to collect his self and play out his ploy. It was easy. Play horny, tease the perverted shark, and finally get a piece of ass. The two had a romantic relationship in the past, but it was something like a crush. Small, gentle, and full of wild hormones.
The raven smirked evilly. He skillfully lifted himself from the window ledge and walked toward Kisame, swaying his hips as he went. In a matter of seconds, he was sitting next to his partner and gently running his fingers across the sharks neckline and shoulders.
"Oh, Kisame," the raven cooed, lust evident in his voice, "want a little help?"
He slid his fingers up and down the shark's thigh, seeing that he was already slightly turned on.
"Yeah, can you hand me that rag," Kisame asked, ignoring him completely, "Sameheda's getting a little dirty."
Itachi froze. That blade again? He resisted the urge to growl and handed him the cloth. In the time it took the shark to get a hold of the cloth, another perverted idea struck the raven. Once the shark tugged the rag, Itachi jerked it forward, pulling his partner with him.
Unfortunately, with the sharks' power, he was only leaning over toward his partner, blade handle gripped in his large fist. Even with half of the romance drained from the moment, Itachi was determined to make it work. He crashed his lips against his partners, hoping his kissing skills were good enough to top that stupid blade.
The shark let out a surprised groan. He wasn't expecting something like this. It took only a few seconds for his testosterones to start rushing. Kisame was a known junky when it came to an 'organic' high like adrenaline or other body made chemicals. The surge of hormones made him wild.
He leaned further into his raven partner and kissed back. Other things took over him. The bulge in his jeans grew even stiffer than before, he was already panting, and his nerves were starting to go wild. Passion was going to overtake him and Itachi was fully prepared for it. By now, both of their bodies were meshed together; Kisame on top and Itachi on bottom, soaking up the attention. The shark groaned into the raven's sensual kiss as his little partner ground his hips into the other erection.
The feeling was amazing, sinful even. Kisames' mind was blurred by animalistic passion. All he was concerned with was the feeling of flesh, the sounds of Itachi squeaking playfully, and then the sound of his Sameheda.
The sharks' body went rigid. He heard his baby hit the floor. Itachi wondered why the consuming feeling of carnal desire was dissipating. He activated his sharingan and glanced up at his lover with a lust filled gaze. Kisame's expression was that of shock. He threw his body upward, pressing roughly against the ravens' shoulders in the process. Tears pricked the corner of the ravens' eyes. The combination of the sharks' weight and strength was plain painful.
"Sameheda!," Kisame yelled out worriedly.
Itachi was ready to scream at his partner in jealousy, pain, and anger. How dare he ignore him AGAIN for some stupid shark scale blade! The shark coddled the blade and dusted off any dirt and grime. He cooed and toyed with his weapon for a short while before coming to a decision.
"I…uh….need to take a shower," the blue man said as he excused himself long enough to deal with his problem.
He turned away from the raven and walked away to the restroom. The sound of water began to quickly echo in the background. This was it!
"I'm gonna get rid of that thing if it's the last thing I do!," Itachi snarled under his breath, staring at the giant sword resting against the wall.
However, there wasn't anything that he could do right now anyway. They had a job to do first and foremost. The raven threw his top and shoes in the floor. He wouldn't need them now. Especially since his partner wouldn't want anything to do with him after this little 'episode'.
"Fuck it," the raven groaned out groggily.
He threw himself back onto the bed and closed his eyes, dozing off into a fitful nap.
SOME TIME LATER
"Itachi…..Itachi….," a familiar voice echoed in the back of his mind.
'Who is that?', Itachi wondered, 'I….I remember that voice…."
"Itachi, wake up," the voice said, "I want to speak with you."
The raven began to stir; the voice getting louder, his surroundings becoming more evident. He opened his eyes slowly, his vision clearing from his slumber. Kisame sat on the edge of the bed, staring at his almost lover.
"You okay?," he asked, his gentle senses somehow back.
Itachi growled lightly, an easy way to show his anger towards his partner. The shark flinched, oddly showing more emotional concern now than he had in months. The initial shock of emotion soon left as the blue man wrapped his hand around his Sameheda's handle. Itachi's gaze slid to his partners' hand. That 'thing'.
The shark bent down and hugged his partner with his free arm. Hand pressed tightly to his back.
"I'm sorry I've been busy. This blade is just worth so much."
The raven was thoroughly pissed. He tried to push away from his oversized teammate. A sound caught his attention. The perfect thing to get away from the insensitive bastard.
"You left the shower on," Itachi grumbled.
The arm around him tightened like iron, not letting him move an inch. The pressure made him gasp.
"Kisame….you're *gasp* crush….shing me," he choked out.
Another background noise echoed from the bathroom.
"Did you say something, Itachi san?"
The raven's eyes went wide. He knew he was screwed. The person crushing him wasn't Kisame at all! The imposter bent down close to his ear, chuckling to himself.
"Didn't I say that this blade is worth something," the cloned voice of his partner whispered angrily, "you on the other hand….."
The imposter smirked, showing Kisame's signature teeth and then acted. The large, imposter hand dug into the raven's tender flesh. The skin on his back was being torn and ripped open, blood already trickling down his spine. The Uchiha's reaction was purely reflex. He gasped and yelled out in pain.
The imposter sneered evilly and grabbed his partners' weapon.
"I hope you like this little poison, you head kicking asshole!"
The imposter changed back into himself, sneer still evident as he fled through the window. Itachi stared blankly, aghast that he was tricked so easily. A terrible pain ripped through his body once again.
"God damn it!," the raven nearly screamed out.
His body was in immense pain. He knew that he wasn't able to trail his target even if he wanted to. A moment later, the steamy bathroom door slammed open, revealing a half nude shark man.
"What happened?," he yelled as he ran over to his partner.
Itachi screamed out in pain, no longer able to control himself. Kisame touched his hand against the smaller mans' shoulder in shock. Blood stained the Uchiha's back, oozing out onto the mattress.
"It….it hurts….!," he half groaned, half screamed.
Itachi twisted away from his partners' touch. A deep, shredded mark marred the raven's back. The mark was getting progressively worse. The flesh was turning black and blue tinted. The rest of him was getting paler and paler by the second. Kisame went to get his stuff as quickly as he could, trying to contact Kakuzu (Official Akatsuki Doctor) about the injuries.
Kisame halfway threw on his cloak when the rings mental link synced up.
'This is Kakuzu….,' a deep, vicious voice stated.
'Kakuzu, there was a problem and –',
'Let me guess,' the masked nin interrupted, 'one of you got struck with the poison.'
*Silence*
'What poison?,' the shark yelled mentally.
Kakuzu sighed on the other end tiredly.
'All you have to do is keep the victim warm and awake until I find your position. Or else they'll freeze to death. '
'Alright,' the shark agreed. How hard can it seriously be?
'I can't stress this enough,' Kakuzu repeated mentally, 'keep the warm and awake. If you fail either of those, the victim WILL die.'
The link broke between the two after those last few words. Was Itachi really poisoned by their bounty? What could he do to stop this? The sound of the raven's strained screams brought the frantic shark back to reality. Itachi was in pain and there was nothing he could do about it. The shark looked closely at the spreading mark and noticed something. They looked like frost bite and the raven was shaking as if he was thrown into arctic waters.
Holy Jashin, this was some sort of poison induced hypothermia!
Itachi was too far gone to hide any of his feelings any longer. His pained screams were making his throat sore and his voice hoarse. Along with it, he couldn't stop shaking as his eyes watered to the point of crying like a child. Kisame had never seen him this expressionate. He bent down closer to his little partner, hoping to help in some way.
"Ki…kisa…ame…me…," The Uchiha hoarsely cried out in a terrified voice.
The raven lifted his arms and quickly wrapped himself around the sharks' bare torso. The warmth of his flesh was seeping into the smaller man. The blue man was surprised on how quickly his teammates' body heat was dropping and how fast his skin was turning from pale to a light blue. Itachi wiped the tears from his eyes and felt like giving up. He lost his powerful cover, he lost the bounty, and he lastly lost the man he was falling in love with; with a damned sword!
That last thought was all that Itachi needed to convince himself that it was over.
"Kis…sam…me…," he repeated in a stuttering tone, "he too…ook your Sa…samehe…da…."
Those few strangled words made the shark tense up like he had in their passion filled game earlier.
"What," he questioned, in desperate shock over his 'baby'.
"It's g…gone…," Itachi repeated, somehow wanting this reaction.
Kisame's temper forced him to rip his self away from his partners' embrace without thinking.
"That bastard! I'll….I'll…-,"he couldn't think of anything good to say in his fit of rage.
Itachi couldn't take much more of this hell. His body drooped as he fell onto his torn back. The mattress only squeaked in protest to the small weight change.
"Good," the raven whispered to himself, "he does love that sword more than me…"
His own voice was quickly becoming more and more distant to himself as he thought his last few thoughts.
(A/N) Will Itachi die, does Kisame indeed love his Sameheda more than his partner, and lastly where in the hell is the yaoi? Find out in chapter two! A place where blissful sex and a frantic race against life and death hang in the balance!