UchiSays: some canon events have been rearranged on the timeline.

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Though the Stars Walk Backwards

They speak of it just once. After Mike's clever little lie ensured Hardman would be booted right out the door, he stands across from Harvey in his office not so much celebrating as taking silent pride in their victory. It's late and Mike is tired. He wishes Harvey a last goodnight and starts gathering his things. Just as he's about to walk out the door, Harvey calls out to him.

"Mike," he says and Mike turns to look at him, feeling suddenly uneasy about the tone in his voice. Harvey stands behind his desk, a tumbler of his best Scotch in hand. His eyes are hard and distant as they meet Mike's. "Everything that happened that night, you know it can never happen again."

There's a lump in Mike's throat. It's not like he'd expected anything less, but there had been this little corner of his heart that had hoped they would never have this conversation. The lump in his throat burns as he manages to force out just two words. "I know."

Harvey looks at him hard. It's his job to read people and Mike feels like an open book under that gaze. Still, Mike does not look away. He stares blankly into Harvey's brown eyes: no defiance, no challenge to call his bluff, no emotion at all. Harvey looks away first. "It would be better to just forget it ever happened."

Mike nods. "Already forgotten," he says, feeling something die within him as Harvey so easily accepts those words. "Goodnight, Harvey." He leaves the office without waiting for a reply.

Things get busy quickly. They'd barely managed to put out the last of Hardman's trash before Darby was moving in. Mike puts all his concentration into his work. There's too much he doesn't want to think about: Rachel, Tess, the abundance of stupid mistakes he'd made after Grammy had died, Grammy herself, and Harvey.

He almost makes his lie a reality. Almost really does forget everything that happened that night. Almost.

When he goes home at the end of the day, as soon as he steps into his shitty little apartment, the memories come crashing down and he becomes a dam unable to sustain the hurricane.

He doesn't need to close his eyes to see it. Harvey there sitting on the couch, a joint held to his lips. Standing by the window, eating the last of Mike's pretzels. Over on the bed, making Mike see god.

Mike had never been with a man before. Had never thought he would ever want to be. But Harvey was the exception to every rule.

Maybe he'd smoked too much. Maybe he'd just been desperate. Reasons and excuses didn't matter. Somehow he'd ended up on his back with Harvey moving inside of him. And Mike have loved every second of it.

He'd known it meant nothing while it was happening, but somehow a seed had still managed to take root in his heart. He'd entertained thoughts of a world where he wasn't completely alone. A world where Harvey belonged as much to him as he already belonged to Harvey. What silly fancies.

Better to just forget it ever happened.

It's Louis who finds him standing at the bathroom sink, cold water dripping from his face. He'd spent the last five minutes bent over a toilet spilling out the meager contents of his stomach. "Coming to work with hangovers now, Ross?"

Mike frowns. He wishes it was a hangover. That would be better than the thought growing in the back of his mind. He hadn't drank anything stronger than a ginger ale since those couple sips of Scotch he'd had in Harvey's office the night they'd celebrated their victory.

"You look like death," Louis adds. And Mike is sure he does. There are bags under his eyes and his skin is an unhealthy ashen color. He hadn't been sleeping or eating well and he'd been getting sick for a couple of days now. "A nasty death, too. If you have the flu, I would appreciate it if you'd go home and keep your disgusting germs away from me. If you infect the rest of the associates, I guarantee you will be doing all of their work yourself."

"I don't have the flu." The words are barely passed his lips before he's turning and rushing into the nearest toilet stall, reacquainting himself with his porcelain friend.

"Flu or hangover, either way you can't stay here. Your weakness offends me and I want you gone from my sight. I don't want to see you in this office until you're capable of functioning like a normal human being."

"I have work I need to do for Harvey."

"There's a whole pool of associates out there for you to hand it over to. Or take the work home with you. I don't care. Just get your inferior immune system away from me."

Mike is sure that this is Louis' backwards way of showing concern.

He'd been thirteen when Grammy had taken him to the hospital because he was suffering from severe abdominal pains. The pain had started sometime late in the night. It had woken him from his sleep, but it had been mild enough to ignore at first. He'd thought it was trapped gas and had rolled over onto his knees with his butt in the air in hopes of helping it pass.

By the time Grammy had come to see why he wasn't getting ready for school, he'd been writhing on the bed, arms wrapped around his lower abdomen, tears spilling from the corners of his eyes. He'd thought he was dying. The doctor had said he would live.

"It's a very rare condition but, I assure you, it won't kill you. You're not likely to feel any pain like this again either. Men with this condition live perfectly normal and healthy lives. The only problems you'll have with it is when you get to the age where you'd want to have children. Your semen is not completely sterile, but it does have an extremely low sperm count. But if you… live an alternative lifestyle, fertility won't be a problem."

Mike had tucked the conversation away in the back of his mind in a box labelled 'unimportant details.' Thirteen years old at the time, he wasn't thinking about having children or anything of the like. He was having enough trouble getting a girl to kiss him, the doctor's words seemed like something he wouldn't need to worry about for a thousand years.

A thousand years had come 987 years too soon.

"You do have options," the doctor says. Unlike the one when he was thirteen, this doctor was a woman. She looks tired as if this was her third all-nighter in a row. "Termination is no longer an option at this point, but there are other alternatives. There's no need for you to decide anything right now. I can give you some literature and contact information for someone who can help you make the best choice for you."

So much for forgetting it ever happened.

Mike hasn't gone to work in a week. He didn't answer the phone the thirty-seven times it rang, didn't listen to the nineteen voicemails, nor read the twenty-two text messages. He didn't answer the door when Donna, Rachel, or Jenny knocked. He hides out on the fire escape when Harvey comes and forces his door open.

"If you don't show up to work on Wednesday, don't bother ever showing up again." Harvey says to the empty apartment.

On Wednesday, Mike does go into the office. He ignores the looks he gets from everyone who undoubtedly knew just how much trouble he was in for skipping so much work. He ignores Rachel when she calls his name in the hall, and Donna who tries to corner him by the elevators.

He heads first for Jessica's office, because she's managing partner and in charge of all the employees. She's sitting on her couch talking to Darby. Mike enters without knocking and hands her his resignation without a word.

Her eyes read quickly over the words typed on the page. "Have you talked to Harvey about this?"

Mike just turns and leaves her office without answering.

He goes next to Louis' office, because he was in charge of all the associates. "The wayward associate returns," Louis says when Mike enters. "Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?"

Mike drops a copy of his resignation of his desk and doesn't stick around for him to read it.

He heads last for Harvey, because he was in charge of Mike personally. He takes one look at him on the other side of the glass door, and knows he can't face the man. He turns to Donna instead. "Make sure he gets this," Mike says, handing over the last copy of his resignation.

"What the hell is this, Mike?" Donna asks, clenching the paper she'd just skimmed over in a tight fist.

Mike closes his eyes, unable to meet her gaze. "Tell him I'm sorry," he adds, turning and running to the elevator. He doesn't bother stopping by the associates' bullpen to pack up his desk. There's nothing there worth carrying into his new life. None of it was part of the decision he'd made for himself.

He sells the Manhattan apartment he'd bought for Grammy. He uses part of the money from that to pay the fine for breaking the lease on his apartment. All his furniture and things are donated to the Goodwill. The only thing he takes from there is the panda picture from Grammy.

He buys a townhouse in Trevor's name. He figures Donna would be able to find anything he purchased in his own name. The new place comes fully furnished. One of its three bedrooms was even set up as a nursery.

It took all the remaining money from selling Grammy's place and a good chunk of his savings to buy the new place. He doesn't know what he was going to do for money once the rest of his savings are gone.

He fears that maybe he had acted a bit rash. But, just like everything that happened with Harvey that night, he can't undo any of it now.

He blames it on the hormones. But, honestly, that only explained his near constant state or horniness. It didn't explain why his thoughts drifted to Harvey while his hand was wrapped around his prick, or why even with three fingers shoved up his ass, he wanted to cry with frustration because it wasn't enough. Nothing he could do to himself was enough. Nothing anyone else could do would be enough.

Except Harvey. Only Harvey would have what he needed.

It wasn't like he was in love with Harvey. He hadn't been in love with him before any of this, and he wouldn't be in love with him after.

But he did love him.

And he was the only man Mike had ever slept with.

And he always had a claim on some part of Mike's soul.

And, god, he just misses him so much. And he wants him.

He can see him in his mind's eye. Three piece suit. Gelled up hair. Those twin moles above his left eye.

He can still feel him everywhere. Large hands tracing over his body. Hot mouth tasting his skin. All of Harvey everywhere on him, in him.

Harvey.

Once, when he's heading to a doctor's appointment, he acts on impulse. He goes to the nearest payphone and drops quarters into the slot. Before he can stop himself, he dials a number he remembers with his heart and not just his mind.

"Harvey Specter's office, Donna speaking."

He blames the tears that form in his eyes at the sound of that name on the wind and hormones. "Hi." The word comes out choked and weak.

"Mike?"

He thinks about hanging up. He thinks about lying. Instead, he says, "Yeah, it's me."

Donna is silent for a long moment. "You have some nerve calling here after leaving the way you did."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's been two months, Mike."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Do you know any other words? Do you have anything to say for yourself? How could you just leave after all he did for you?"

"How is he?"

"Come see for yourself."

"I can't. I'm…"

"Sorry. I know. You're one sorry son of a bitch."

"Let me speak to him."

"Why should I?"

"You shouldn't."

Donna sighs. "He's in a client meeting right now. I can have him call you back. Is this your number?"

"No, payphone."

"Of course it is," Donna huffs with a bitter laugh.

Mike glances down at his watch. It's almost time for his appointment. "I have to go."

Donna is silent for another moment. "Take care of yourself, Mike. Alright?"

Mike stares down at the cracked sidewalk beneath his feet and takes some deep breaths to rein in the emotions threatening to overflow. "Don't tell him I called, okay?"

"Of course not."

Mike hangs up without another word.

"Everything seems to be developing just fine," the doctor says. Not the same doctor from before. She'd referred him to a specialist. A man with crows-feet around his eyes and a smattering of gray hair in his head. "Listen to that strong, healthy heartbeat."

Mike had cried the first time he heard his baby's heartbeat. It had been the single most earthshaking experience of his life. Until that moment, half of him had still been in denial. But there had been no denying that sound.

"Now, Mr. Ross, I think we should discuss the birthing. It isn't recommended for male pregnancies to wait until you go into labor on your own. They baby would try to travel down a path not meant to accommodate something of its size and, while it is possible to birth him that way, it has a higher risk of being a stillbirth and can be dangerous for you as well. Instead, we recommend you schedule a cesarean section for some time around the 38 week mark or later depending on how you're progressing at the time. You don't have to choose a day just yet, but it's something you should keep in mind so you can schedule your life around it."

"I'll take whatever day is best for you. I don't have much of a life to reschedule."

"Alright. I'll provide you with a list of days I think would be best a little later in the pregnancy. Now, there's one more thing I need to ask of you. We don't have an emergency contact for you on file and I think it would be best we took care of that before scheduling the birth."

Mike frowns. He's thought long and hard about who he wants to list as emergency contact. It wasn't an easy decision, because he hasn't told anyone what was going on. He'd considered Jenny, Donna, Rachel, and even Jessica, but in the end there was really only one person he could think of that he actually wanted there if things went wrong.

At night, he lays in bed, one hand on his growing belly, speaking aloud the remembered stories in his head.

He tells himself he isn't lonely.

Mike drops the book he'd been reading. A sharp pain shoots through his abdomen. A pain a million times worse than what he'd felt when he was thirteen.

Something is wrong.

Something is very wrong.

Mike opens his eyes and knows he's in the hospital. His heart starts pounding in his chest. Instinctively, his hand reaches toward his belly, causing the IV in his arm to tug uncomfortably. His stomach is still very round and there's a familiar fluttering of movement under his palm.

"You were dehydrated," a voice says from beside him and Mike's heart starts pounding for a completely different reason. "It caused false labor pains. And then you worked yourself into a tizzy and fainted. At least you had sense enough to dial 911 first."

Mike licks his lips to moisten his mouth, but doesn't say anything. He can't even bring himself to look at the man next to him. He, instead, stares at the window on the other side of the room.

"They called me because I'm listed as your emergency contact."

Mike keeps his gaze on the window.

"So, this is why you left?"

His hand stays on his belly, finding comfort in the flutter of movement beneath his skin.

"Were you ever going to tell me, Mike?"

He hums a soft tune to himself, one he remembers his mother singing to him when he was small.

"Mike!"

The movements under his hand settles down.

"Dammit, Mike, answer me!"

He doesn't realize he's crying until a tear rolls off his chin and falls on the back of his hand.

Harvey gets up and walks out the room.

"If you think we're just going to let you slip away again, you have another thing coming."

"I'm not going anywhere," Mike tells Donna.

"Good." She crosses the room and sits in the chair Harvey had vacated an hour ago. "Now, care to tell me how you getting knocked up was grounds for leaving Pearson Darby Specter?"

"Harvey finally got his name on the door?"

"Did you ever doubt he would? And did you really think I'd let you change the subject. What's going on, Mike?"

Mike looks at her. "I thought you knew everything."

"There are limits to even my great abilities."

"I thought Harvey told you everything."

"Harvey tells me nothing. Everything I know, I learn on my own."

"Did you learn what Harvey and I did the night we figured out how to get rid of Hardman?"

"I was kinda fired at the time, but from what I heard, you two decided to jeopardize your futures by getting high and sneaking into the building to pull a prank."

"That's only part of it. Something else happened before we decided to sneak into the building."

Mike knows the exact moment Donna understands what he's hinting at. "Oh, no."

Mike nods slowly. "He said it would be better if we just forgot it ever happened."

"And you can't forget."

"Not even if I wanted to."

Donna kicks off her heels and climbs into the bed next to Mike. She pulls him into her arms. He blames his tears on the pregnancy hormones.

Donna is down in the hospital cafeteria getting herself a snack when the doctor tells Mike he's free to leave anytime.

He thinks Donna is probably on an elevator heading up when he gets on one heading down.

She's probably walking through the door of his room when he's walking out the door of the hospital.

When there's a knock on his front door, Mike doesn't have to answer to know who it is. He should have known better than to underestimate Donna.

Harvey looks even more out of place on his couch here than he had on the couch of Mike's old apartment smoking a joint.

He's exactly how Mike remembers him in his mind. Three piece suit. Gelled up hair. Twin moles above his left eye.

Mike sits across from him in a chaise armchair.

"You didn't have to leave," Harvey says.

"What else could I have done? I couldn't have gone to you and said, 'hey, Harvey, remember that night you said you wanted to forget? Well, here's a reminder that's going to hang around you for at least the next eighteen years.' I did what I thought I had to do."

"Mike, you and I made so many bad choices that night, forgetting it ever happened seemed like the better plan than trying to figure out what we actually did right."

"And my leaving seemed like the better plan than saddling you with this for the rest of your life. Do you think you would have gotten your name on the door if word got out that you got high, fucked your associate, and got him pregnant?"

"Stop trying to make it sound like you were protecting me. You never even gave me a chance. You just ran away."

"I didn't know what else to do."

"You could have talked to me, Mike. You could have trusted me!"

"And what would you done if I had told you? What would you have said?"

Harvey thinks before answering. "I don't know what I would have said. But I do know I wouldn't have left you to go through this alone."

He sends Harvey away. Tells him he doesn't want him around. Tells him that if he wants to play house, he can do it with Zoe or Scotty or anyone not Mike.

He doesn't know why he does it. He just wants him gone.

Harvey leaves without a fight.

There's five thousand dollars in his bank account that shouldn't have been there. He knows where it came from before he even calls the bank.

He catches a taxi to Pearson Hardman (he forgets about its name change until he gets there and sees Harvey's name on the wall). He storms through the halls of the law firm angrily, ignoring the stares and the shocked whispers of his name and the unsubtle looks at his protruding belly.

He finds Harvey in his office with Jessica. The two of them are in the middle of a discussion, but fall silent when his bursts in without knocking.

"Mike, what are you…" Mike cuts him off with a hard look and an angry finger pointed at his face.

"I don't want your money. I don't need your money. And you had no right…"

Harvey's hand wraps around Mike's wrist and he pulls the finger away from his face. "I have every right. You made it clear that you don't want me around, fine. I'll stay away from you. But I will support my child in any way I can. Even if it's only monthly deposits into a bank account, I will help the only way I can."

"I don't need your help."

"This isn't about you, Mike. This is about making sure my child is properly cared for despite being raised by an unemployed lowlife with a petty grudge against me for no reason."

"An unemployed lowlife, is that all I am?"

"Yes, that's all you are, right now, Mike. I picked you up out of the gutter, and you threw yourself right back down. I risked everything for you, and you chose to throw it all away. Well, you may be content with being a nobody going nowhere, but I want better for my child. So, you're either going to take the money without complaints, or I'm going to sue for custody the moment the baby is born."

There's a burning lump in Mike's throat as he looks in Harvey's eyes and says, "I hate you."

Harvey just drops Mike's wrist and turns to face Jessica, who'd played witness to their fallout without speaking a word.

"What the hell is your problem?" Donna pushes her way in and Mike regrets even answering the door. "That little display at the office was unnecessary. All the shit you've been pulling lately has been unnecessary."

"I haven't done anything wrong," Mike says.

"Neither has Harvey!"

"I'm hurt, Donna."

"Aw, poor you. Everyone look at Mike. Pity Mike! He slept with his boss and now he can't act adult enough to deal with the consequences. Well, I have news for you, Mike. You both decided to get high that night. You both decided to hop in bed with each other. And then you decided on your own to leave. And now all Harvey is trying to do is do right by you. I don't know what kind of wire hair you got stuck up your ass, but Harvey has done nothing to deserve you treating him like this."

"Of course he hasn't. He's the great Harvey Specter. He can't do anything wrong. He can fuck over the entire world, but he'll still be perfect."

"Harvey may have fucked you, but he didn't fuck you over. You did that to yourself, Michael Ross. And, like I said, I don't know what your problem is, but you need to get your shit together. Otherwise, I'll tell Harvey that he should sue for custody. And you know he would win."

He knows he's the one in the wrong here. He knows Donna is right. Harvey hasn't done anything wrong. He knows this, but it doesn't change the ache in his heart.

Harvey had said he wouldn't have let Mike go through this alone. And, at the time, it had seemed like the exact wrong thing to say. And it had made Mike so angry. Because he was all alone. He was nobody and he had nobody. And it was all too much.

He was twenty-six years old, about to have a baby by a man who, even though he wasn't in love with him, was the center of his entire universe.

And he hated it. Hated Harvey. That man had no right to have such a hold on him.

And maybe that was why he sent him away. Because he wanted to break free of that hold. Because he wanted to be a Mike Ross capable of standing on his own two feet. Capable of supporting himself and his child.

He wanted to be strong.

But he feels so weak.

He calls Donna and lets her know the day his cesarean section is scheduled for.

He's only mildly surprised that Harvey actually shows up. While the doctors get everything set up, the two of them are left alone together.

Mike fiddles with the spread on the bed he's in. He looks at Harvey. He looks away. Finally he says, "I'm sorry."

And Harvey says, "So am I."

They have a son. He has dark hair and blue eyes.

Mike takes one look at the baby in his arms, and swears his whole universe shifts. Harvey is no longer the center of everything. His son is. His child is his sun, moon, and stars.

He looks at Harvey who is crowded close to his side, trying to be as near the baby as he can get, and Mike thinks, just maybe everything will work out fine. It didn't matter how it had come about, only that they have been given a little miracle. Maybe they really can forget everything that happened that night and just embrace what they have now.