Disclaimers: I don't ::sigh:: own Gundam Wing (don't I wish) nor do I own the song "Looking in" by Mariah Carey. So there, now you can't sue me!! ;P
Authors Notes: Okay, I'm kinda being a bad girl and trying to juggle 3 story idea's at once PLUS this one but I couldn't resist writing this one once I heard this song. It just reminded me of all those Relena-haters out there. Every one is entitled to their own opinions, but sometimes people like that just piss me off. No one knows who the real person is in the inside, not your best friends, not your family, not even your journal. It just really makes me mad when people make opinions about people and call them nasty names just because they don't understand WHO that person is and why they do certain things they do. People (and I know Relena is a cartoon character but I'm talking about this in general tone) call Relena all these horrible names because they do NOT know who she is (or would be in this case) in the inside. Same could go for Wufei, or Heero, and if you know Dragon Ball Z, Chichi and Vegeta. I know I'm ranting but it just does really make me mad. We are all different, and we all think differently. No one is the same as another; we should all respect that and try to be understanding. ::coughs:: Okay now that I've bored you all to death (gomen ne, just had to get it out) here is the story that would NOT leave me alone. I hope you all enjoy and hopefully agree with me on my point of view. Thanks and Jya! ^.~
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"They'll Never Know"
A Gundam Wing Fanfiction
Copyright 00' by Jadet
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Vice Foreign Minister! Could you answer my question on why you slapped Representative Cantino?"
"Miss Doralin! Could I have a moment?"
"Vice Foreign Minister!"
"Representative Doralin!"
"Wait!"
//YOU LOOK AT ME AND SEE THE GIRL
WHO LIVES INSIDE THE GOLDEN WORLD
BUT DON'T BELIEVE
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SEE
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW THE REAL ME//
I shook my head and pushed through the crowd of reporters, suddenly very thankful that Noin and Quatre had offered to come with me to this meeting. Without them I knew I would have been mobbed by the reporters trying to get a interview. Thankfully both could push hard enough to make a path for me. God knows I wasn't up to more acts of violence.
And God knows if I don't get out of here soon, I'll bring up my slap record from one to 20.
Pagan stood by my glaringly bright pink limo in front of me and for the hundredth time I made a mental note to change the color of it. When I had first asked Father for a car of my own I thought pink was very stylish and appropriate for a 15 year old girl. Now I knew better however, it was an embarrassment to my title. I mean, come on, who goes around in a -pink- limo?
Yet the color of my limo was not on my list of important things to do list at the moment. I had to get away from here before I humiliated myself even more than I already had. I could just see the headlines for tomorrow's paper:
"Earth representative, Vice Minister Doralin, slaps fellow pacifist!"
Oh yeah, that was a charming picture.
Still I knew I would do it again, and again, and again if that horrid man had kept it up. No one insulted my family, nor my friends. Especially the Gundam pilots. Didn't that obtuse man know that without those five boys we would still be at war?! No of course not, all he saw was that they were soldiers, and therefore not worthy of living anywhere on earth or the colonies. 'I mean, what if one of them went berserk and went on a killing spree? -They- are the dangerous ones, they should be banished right?' Oooooooooooh that horrid, horrid man!
Pagan must have seen the torrent of anger on my face because he met me half way and ushered me to my limo, Noin and Quatre flanking me. I noticed this half consciously, not really wanting to look at any of the faces pushing against each other to get a better look at the total "pacifist" leader that smacked a fellow pacifist in anger. I wouldn't have been able to control my temper then, I know it. A girl can only take so much condensation.
We finally reached my limo and I silently got in, folding my hands demurely in my lap, and staring out the window. I heard Noin and Quatre get in behind me and the door close before Pagan jumped into his seat and started the car. Slowly but surely the crowd made a passage for my limo to get through and at last we were getting away from my problems. I didn't care that I should have explained my actions, given a reason to why I slapped that man. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was go home to undress and cuddle with my teddy bear.
Maybe even have a good cry.
*****
//SHE SMILES THROUGH A THOUSAND TEARS
AND HARBORS ADOLESCENT FEARS
SHE DREAMS OF ALL
THAT SHE CAN NEVER BE
SHE WADES IN INSECURITY
AND HIDES HERSELF INSIDE OF ME//
We got home without any trouble and again as silently as I entered, I exited the limo and walked up the towering steps leading up to my mansion. Without turning my head I examined the rolling, manicured lawns, the sparkling fountains, and glorious garden.
Did I really need all of this, all of this space? This large mansion where I used one room out of maybe 30, 4o? It was just myself and the servants, Noin and Milliardo deciding to get their own place to raise their family. I certainly didn't need all of this space. I would have been just as happy in a small apartment.
But then again I couldn't have that even if I wanted to. The dangers, as Milliardo likes to lecture me on, are too numerous. Someone could easily try to kill me, or kidnap me. It was much safer for me to live here within these large white walls, and cranberry carpets. That and who knew of a Vice Foreign Minister living in a tiny apartment? I had a reputation to uphold.
Didn't I?
I smiled tightly at the servants as I passed them on my way up to my room, aware of Noin and Quatre following worriedly behind. They needn't bother, I could take care of myself, no matter what others thought.
I reached my room within a few minutes and turned around, keeping my hands folded in front of me. Noin and Quatre stopped right behind me and I forced an impassive look on my face, smiling.
"Thank you both for helping me today, I shall have to make amends tomorrow," I thanked pleasantly, trying to hold back some tears threatening to spill over my carefully crafted wall.
Quatre smiled and took one of my hands gently, squeezing it. "It there is anything I can do Miss Relena...."
I smiled and shook my head, extracting my hand. "I'll be fine Quatre, but thank you."
Noin nodded her head along with Quatre and gave me a small, half hug. "Call us if you need us."
"I will," I promised and entered my room quietly, gently closing the door behind me and leaning back onto it. The tears came as soon as I closed the door and it was all I could do not to start sobbing loudly. I knew Noin and Quatre were still outside my door so I turned and walked over to my bathroom. Clicking on the light, I watched myself cry in the mirror, leaning one hand on the cool glass.
[Father, where are you when I need you?]
//DON'T SAY SHE TAKES IT ALL FOR GRANTED
I'M WELL AWARE OF ALL I HAVE
DON'T THINK THAT I AM DISENCHANTED
PLEASE UNDERSTAND//
I couldn't help it, I started to sob, and wrapped my arms around my upper body, sliding to the floor.
Why couldn't I just be a normal girl? With a normal life? Why couldn't I have one person I could talk to? One person to understand me? Father always could, but he was dead. Dead because he was the perfect pacifist.
[Have I failed you father? Have I failed you?] I know I don't have many fears, barely any at all. I had never had the experience others had to make silly fears of bugs, rats, or falling from tall heights. I had only a few fears, and one of them was tearing me up right now. I wasn't the pacifist my father was, and I failed him as soon as I let my anger get hold of me. As soon as I struck that man for no other reason other than I didn't like what he was saying. I couldn't call myself a pacifist when I did such things.
I wish I was as strong as my father. As Milliardo. As Heero. Maybe then I could be the person every one thought I was.
I silently cried myself to sleep and, blessedly, I slept without dreams.
*****
//IT SEEMS AS THOUGH I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
SOMEBODY OUTSIDE LOOKING IN
WELL HERE I AM FOR ALL OF THEM TO BLEED//
I awoke some time later, curled up on my bed, my head tucked into my arms and my sheets laid lightly around my shoulders. Sunlight filtered through my bedroom window and I realized with a start I had slept through the entire night. I had only meant to take an hour or two nap then start working on an apology to Representative Cantino...
Wait a minute, wasn't I in the bathroom when I fell asleep?
"You're awake."
I turned my head towards the voice and almost fell out of my bed when I found Heero staring at me from one of my chairs, his feet propped up on the window sill. He looked bored from what I could tell but I saw a hint of something else in his eyes. Compassion? Understanding?
Love?
Nah.
"Heero," I whisper and instantly wanted to smack myself. My crush, or what used to be, I don't know anymore, maybe he's more?, was sitting in -my- room and all I could manage to say was his name? Smooth, real smooth.
Heero obviously saw my bewilderment because he smirked and lowered his feet from the window sill. Before I could say another word he was halfway out my patio door and striding towards the railing. He couldn't be leaving already, could he? Fear grabbed my heart and I launched myself from my bed. I couldn't let him leave yet. Not yet!
As quickly as I could, without killing myself by tripping over my tangled sheets, I got out of bed and raced over to my patio. Calling out Heero's name, I caught him right before the railing and held onto his arm tightly, afraid to let go but afraid to look into his eyes. Did I ever mention my other fear? The one where one day I'll look into Heero's beautiful eyes and see nothing but loathing? Well, that fear was coming into play and I couldn't help but stare at my feet.
As if sensing that, Heero removed his arm from my hold and with his hand lifted my chin with his finger, not letting me look anywhere but his face. Again I saw the impassiveness with the hints of compassion, understanding, and something else. Something I fear to name else it go away.
"Relena, pay attention to me."
Darn it, caught staring.
"Relena you did nothing wrong yesterday, nothing. Do you understand?"
I stared at him again, but not in the same way. How would he know? Heero saw the question in my eyes and instantly shook his head, dismissing the idea that he was there watching me. Dang it.
"No, Quatre called me and told me to come. But do you understand Relena? You did nothing wrong."
I swallowed and shook my head slightly. "But I slapped him Heero, in anger. I can't call myself a pacifist when..."
"You were doing what you believed in Relena," Heero interrupted, cutting off my denial. "Like I said before, you have to live life acting on your emotions."
"Heero," I breathed. Was this really the Heero I knew, the Heero who always promised to come kill me yet saying that while saving me? It had to be, no other man could make me shiver, not from the cold but something else, something only he brought out in me.
A few tears trickled down my cheeks, and Heero gently brushed them off before dropping his hands.
Without another word he vaulted over the railing, landing neatly on one bent knee on the ground below before straightening and shoving his hands deep into his pockets. Not even a backward glance as he walked off, but I wasn't offended. I touched my cheek where his warmth still lingered and walked back into my room, my hand pressed to my cheek.
Was it possible I did have someone who knew me? Who understood me? Even love me?
I got dressed in a new uniform and looked at myself in the mirror, making sure I liked what I saw. What Heero said did make sense, one couldn't live without emotions. Father always acted on his emotions, which was why he was the perfect pacifist. Maybe one day I'll be as perfect as Father. And as strong as Heero.
I was ready to go face the world now, to explain my actions, but most of all I was ready to be me.
//BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE MY HEART FROM ME
AND THEY CAN'T BRING ME TO MY KNEES
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE REAL ME//
They'll never know the real me, I realize that. But he does, he knows the real me. And that gave me the strength to go outside and face the world.
As me.
*Owari*
Authors Notes: Okay, I'm kinda being a bad girl and trying to juggle 3 story idea's at once PLUS this one but I couldn't resist writing this one once I heard this song. It just reminded me of all those Relena-haters out there. Every one is entitled to their own opinions, but sometimes people like that just piss me off. No one knows who the real person is in the inside, not your best friends, not your family, not even your journal. It just really makes me mad when people make opinions about people and call them nasty names just because they don't understand WHO that person is and why they do certain things they do. People (and I know Relena is a cartoon character but I'm talking about this in general tone) call Relena all these horrible names because they do NOT know who she is (or would be in this case) in the inside. Same could go for Wufei, or Heero, and if you know Dragon Ball Z, Chichi and Vegeta. I know I'm ranting but it just does really make me mad. We are all different, and we all think differently. No one is the same as another; we should all respect that and try to be understanding. ::coughs:: Okay now that I've bored you all to death (gomen ne, just had to get it out) here is the story that would NOT leave me alone. I hope you all enjoy and hopefully agree with me on my point of view. Thanks and Jya! ^.~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"They'll Never Know"
A Gundam Wing Fanfiction
Copyright 00' by Jadet
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Vice Foreign Minister! Could you answer my question on why you slapped Representative Cantino?"
"Miss Doralin! Could I have a moment?"
"Vice Foreign Minister!"
"Representative Doralin!"
"Wait!"
//YOU LOOK AT ME AND SEE THE GIRL
WHO LIVES INSIDE THE GOLDEN WORLD
BUT DON'T BELIEVE
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SEE
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW THE REAL ME//
I shook my head and pushed through the crowd of reporters, suddenly very thankful that Noin and Quatre had offered to come with me to this meeting. Without them I knew I would have been mobbed by the reporters trying to get a interview. Thankfully both could push hard enough to make a path for me. God knows I wasn't up to more acts of violence.
And God knows if I don't get out of here soon, I'll bring up my slap record from one to 20.
Pagan stood by my glaringly bright pink limo in front of me and for the hundredth time I made a mental note to change the color of it. When I had first asked Father for a car of my own I thought pink was very stylish and appropriate for a 15 year old girl. Now I knew better however, it was an embarrassment to my title. I mean, come on, who goes around in a -pink- limo?
Yet the color of my limo was not on my list of important things to do list at the moment. I had to get away from here before I humiliated myself even more than I already had. I could just see the headlines for tomorrow's paper:
"Earth representative, Vice Minister Doralin, slaps fellow pacifist!"
Oh yeah, that was a charming picture.
Still I knew I would do it again, and again, and again if that horrid man had kept it up. No one insulted my family, nor my friends. Especially the Gundam pilots. Didn't that obtuse man know that without those five boys we would still be at war?! No of course not, all he saw was that they were soldiers, and therefore not worthy of living anywhere on earth or the colonies. 'I mean, what if one of them went berserk and went on a killing spree? -They- are the dangerous ones, they should be banished right?' Oooooooooooh that horrid, horrid man!
Pagan must have seen the torrent of anger on my face because he met me half way and ushered me to my limo, Noin and Quatre flanking me. I noticed this half consciously, not really wanting to look at any of the faces pushing against each other to get a better look at the total "pacifist" leader that smacked a fellow pacifist in anger. I wouldn't have been able to control my temper then, I know it. A girl can only take so much condensation.
We finally reached my limo and I silently got in, folding my hands demurely in my lap, and staring out the window. I heard Noin and Quatre get in behind me and the door close before Pagan jumped into his seat and started the car. Slowly but surely the crowd made a passage for my limo to get through and at last we were getting away from my problems. I didn't care that I should have explained my actions, given a reason to why I slapped that man. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was go home to undress and cuddle with my teddy bear.
Maybe even have a good cry.
*****
//SHE SMILES THROUGH A THOUSAND TEARS
AND HARBORS ADOLESCENT FEARS
SHE DREAMS OF ALL
THAT SHE CAN NEVER BE
SHE WADES IN INSECURITY
AND HIDES HERSELF INSIDE OF ME//
We got home without any trouble and again as silently as I entered, I exited the limo and walked up the towering steps leading up to my mansion. Without turning my head I examined the rolling, manicured lawns, the sparkling fountains, and glorious garden.
Did I really need all of this, all of this space? This large mansion where I used one room out of maybe 30, 4o? It was just myself and the servants, Noin and Milliardo deciding to get their own place to raise their family. I certainly didn't need all of this space. I would have been just as happy in a small apartment.
But then again I couldn't have that even if I wanted to. The dangers, as Milliardo likes to lecture me on, are too numerous. Someone could easily try to kill me, or kidnap me. It was much safer for me to live here within these large white walls, and cranberry carpets. That and who knew of a Vice Foreign Minister living in a tiny apartment? I had a reputation to uphold.
Didn't I?
I smiled tightly at the servants as I passed them on my way up to my room, aware of Noin and Quatre following worriedly behind. They needn't bother, I could take care of myself, no matter what others thought.
I reached my room within a few minutes and turned around, keeping my hands folded in front of me. Noin and Quatre stopped right behind me and I forced an impassive look on my face, smiling.
"Thank you both for helping me today, I shall have to make amends tomorrow," I thanked pleasantly, trying to hold back some tears threatening to spill over my carefully crafted wall.
Quatre smiled and took one of my hands gently, squeezing it. "It there is anything I can do Miss Relena...."
I smiled and shook my head, extracting my hand. "I'll be fine Quatre, but thank you."
Noin nodded her head along with Quatre and gave me a small, half hug. "Call us if you need us."
"I will," I promised and entered my room quietly, gently closing the door behind me and leaning back onto it. The tears came as soon as I closed the door and it was all I could do not to start sobbing loudly. I knew Noin and Quatre were still outside my door so I turned and walked over to my bathroom. Clicking on the light, I watched myself cry in the mirror, leaning one hand on the cool glass.
[Father, where are you when I need you?]
//DON'T SAY SHE TAKES IT ALL FOR GRANTED
I'M WELL AWARE OF ALL I HAVE
DON'T THINK THAT I AM DISENCHANTED
PLEASE UNDERSTAND//
I couldn't help it, I started to sob, and wrapped my arms around my upper body, sliding to the floor.
Why couldn't I just be a normal girl? With a normal life? Why couldn't I have one person I could talk to? One person to understand me? Father always could, but he was dead. Dead because he was the perfect pacifist.
[Have I failed you father? Have I failed you?] I know I don't have many fears, barely any at all. I had never had the experience others had to make silly fears of bugs, rats, or falling from tall heights. I had only a few fears, and one of them was tearing me up right now. I wasn't the pacifist my father was, and I failed him as soon as I let my anger get hold of me. As soon as I struck that man for no other reason other than I didn't like what he was saying. I couldn't call myself a pacifist when I did such things.
I wish I was as strong as my father. As Milliardo. As Heero. Maybe then I could be the person every one thought I was.
I silently cried myself to sleep and, blessedly, I slept without dreams.
*****
//IT SEEMS AS THOUGH I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
SOMEBODY OUTSIDE LOOKING IN
WELL HERE I AM FOR ALL OF THEM TO BLEED//
I awoke some time later, curled up on my bed, my head tucked into my arms and my sheets laid lightly around my shoulders. Sunlight filtered through my bedroom window and I realized with a start I had slept through the entire night. I had only meant to take an hour or two nap then start working on an apology to Representative Cantino...
Wait a minute, wasn't I in the bathroom when I fell asleep?
"You're awake."
I turned my head towards the voice and almost fell out of my bed when I found Heero staring at me from one of my chairs, his feet propped up on the window sill. He looked bored from what I could tell but I saw a hint of something else in his eyes. Compassion? Understanding?
Love?
Nah.
"Heero," I whisper and instantly wanted to smack myself. My crush, or what used to be, I don't know anymore, maybe he's more?, was sitting in -my- room and all I could manage to say was his name? Smooth, real smooth.
Heero obviously saw my bewilderment because he smirked and lowered his feet from the window sill. Before I could say another word he was halfway out my patio door and striding towards the railing. He couldn't be leaving already, could he? Fear grabbed my heart and I launched myself from my bed. I couldn't let him leave yet. Not yet!
As quickly as I could, without killing myself by tripping over my tangled sheets, I got out of bed and raced over to my patio. Calling out Heero's name, I caught him right before the railing and held onto his arm tightly, afraid to let go but afraid to look into his eyes. Did I ever mention my other fear? The one where one day I'll look into Heero's beautiful eyes and see nothing but loathing? Well, that fear was coming into play and I couldn't help but stare at my feet.
As if sensing that, Heero removed his arm from my hold and with his hand lifted my chin with his finger, not letting me look anywhere but his face. Again I saw the impassiveness with the hints of compassion, understanding, and something else. Something I fear to name else it go away.
"Relena, pay attention to me."
Darn it, caught staring.
"Relena you did nothing wrong yesterday, nothing. Do you understand?"
I stared at him again, but not in the same way. How would he know? Heero saw the question in my eyes and instantly shook his head, dismissing the idea that he was there watching me. Dang it.
"No, Quatre called me and told me to come. But do you understand Relena? You did nothing wrong."
I swallowed and shook my head slightly. "But I slapped him Heero, in anger. I can't call myself a pacifist when..."
"You were doing what you believed in Relena," Heero interrupted, cutting off my denial. "Like I said before, you have to live life acting on your emotions."
"Heero," I breathed. Was this really the Heero I knew, the Heero who always promised to come kill me yet saying that while saving me? It had to be, no other man could make me shiver, not from the cold but something else, something only he brought out in me.
A few tears trickled down my cheeks, and Heero gently brushed them off before dropping his hands.
Without another word he vaulted over the railing, landing neatly on one bent knee on the ground below before straightening and shoving his hands deep into his pockets. Not even a backward glance as he walked off, but I wasn't offended. I touched my cheek where his warmth still lingered and walked back into my room, my hand pressed to my cheek.
Was it possible I did have someone who knew me? Who understood me? Even love me?
I got dressed in a new uniform and looked at myself in the mirror, making sure I liked what I saw. What Heero said did make sense, one couldn't live without emotions. Father always acted on his emotions, which was why he was the perfect pacifist. Maybe one day I'll be as perfect as Father. And as strong as Heero.
I was ready to go face the world now, to explain my actions, but most of all I was ready to be me.
//BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE MY HEART FROM ME
AND THEY CAN'T BRING ME TO MY KNEES
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE REAL ME//
They'll never know the real me, I realize that. But he does, he knows the real me. And that gave me the strength to go outside and face the world.
As me.
*Owari*