Mission: Inebriated
Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Marvel or Hasbro. I own Farrah/Persiana and Leon/Crisis. Red Witch owns the Misfits!
One Shot
Simon Williams, the ionic powerhouse and adult Avenger Wonder Man, had to get away from the kid Avengers on the West Coast team. He sighed at a bar in Bayville, where his friend Hank McCoy, the furry mutant Beast, resided in the same town. Hank had come in disguised with his image inducer, and looked like he was wearing a simple collared shirt and pants. The furry mutant sat next to Simon and sighed heavily,
"Long day for you, Simon?"
Simon nodded solemnly,
"Yeah, you said it. From the constant brawls between Persiana and Miss Marvel, to Crystal and Black Widow kidnapping their respective men in their lives, I have had all I could take for a day. I need to relax."
Beast nodded,
"I know that feeling. Some of the kids can't control their hormones, especially when they find a boy they like."
Simon shook his head,
"Same thing with Persiana and Miss Marvel. The two of them tear each other apart, even though this boy Crisis is dating Persiana. Miss Marvel just doesn't want to let go."
The furry mutant nodded,
"Let's drink to that. Some martinis!"
After downing a few vodka martinis, something within both of the drunken men's minds clicked. For some reason, they kept hearing the 'Mission:Impossible' theme playing and Beast said,
"Simon, we have to get the radioactive isotopes away from the terrorists!"
Simon drunkenly added,
"But first, we need to find tuxedos to make us look good in style."
Beast shouted,
"TO THE TAILOR!"
Meanwhile…
Farrah Willows, the Avengers heroine Persiana, shouted,
"BARBIE!"
She had fallen for another one of her arch-nemesis' pranks and was storming through the house, dripping in motor oil. The cat-girl shrieked,
"WHEN I FIND YOU, I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE!"
Leon Maxwell, the teen hero Crisis, walked in,
"What's with the oil-?"
He then noticed his girlfriend covered in the black substance and was stunned,
"Farrah, what happened?"
Farrah pouted,
"Barbie happened. She was so mean to me."
She came close to her boyfriend and hugged him,
"I'm such a royal mess."
The white-haired girl began sobbing into the red-eyed powerhouse. Leon shook his head,
"Farrah, come on. I still think you're pretty."
Farrah looked up, her eyes still watering,
"You do?"
Leon nodded,
"Of course. Now, you should go take a hot shower and I'll see if I can find some soap that can take the oil off."
The feral teen grinned like a cat cornering a mouse,
"Actually, it'd be better if you joined me."
She pushed him into a wall slightly and began kissing him.
Carol Danvers, the teen heroine Miss Marvel, came in,
"Hey, furball. I always knew you were slippery and-."
She noticed her rival hugging Leon and folded her arms,
"Seriously, furball. I thought cats were clean. You're dripping in oil all over the house."
Farrah spun around and glared,
"You bitch!"
She lunged for Miss Marvel, a cat-fight breaking out. Leon groaned,
"Not again!"
Elsewhere…
BOOOM!
Wolverine groaned,
"Kids today. Where's Beast?"
Iceman ran by, cackling maniacally. Magma was not fire behind, pitching fireballs,
"DRAKE, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU SHALL BE BEHEADED!"
Cyclops screamed,
"AAH! I'M ON FIRE!"
Logan held his head,
"After I find Hank and quiet the kids, I'm taking a long drink."
Back to Simon and Hank…
After getting fashionable tuxedos, Wonder Man and Beast had acquired a sports car and were now cruising to what they thought was a base used by terrorists. In actuality, they were going to the G.I. Joe base. Beast picked up a cell phone, which mysteriously had no battery in it. He said drunkenly,
"I understand, M. We'll be right on it."
He hung up and said,
"O-K, double-0 Simon, the assignment is to retrieve nuclear materials from the terrorists before it's too late."
Simon nodded stupidly,
"Got it, double-0 Henry. By the way, how is Moneypenny doing?"
Hank smiled,
"She's great."
The two continued on their way.
At the Misfit base, the two ditched the car behind some trees and proceeded on foot. Beast had taken off his shoes, seeing as how they only seemed to hinder him in this endeavor. Both took another drink of vodka martinis and then proceeded to slip into the base.
It was not long before the two had been making their way onto the base when they saw Beach Head sitting at his post, talking to his teddy bear, Sergeant Snuggles. Beach Head said,
"More tea, Sarge?"
Beast then noticed as the Army Ranger went to open a drawer, he saw a glow stick. In his drunken haze and mistaking it for an isotope, the furry mutant shouted,
"DIE!"
Beach Head barely turned around and was assaulted by the blue-furred scientist. He was then knocked out.
A few minutes later, Beach Head was tied to a chair. He had water poured on him as Simon said,
"Wake up, you terrorist bad guy you."
Beach Head squirmed,
"What is this?"
Simon, in his best Jack Bauer imitation, said,
"Where is the nuclear bomb?"
Beach Head blinked and took a whiff,
"You're drunk."
Beast took out a knife,
"Tell us where the nuclear bomb is…"
He held the knife to Sergeant Snuggles,
"Or the bear gets it!"
Beach Head shrieked girlishly,
"NO! NOT SERGEANT SNUGGLES!"
Althea Delgado, the leader of the Misfits Wavedancer, came in,
"What's going on?"
Both Beast and Wonder Man both looked at the young woman and shouted,
"We've been found out! Run!"
The two dashed away to their car. Double-0 Henry said,
"Wait, we have to destroy the base so they don't build the bomb!"
Double-0 Simon nodded,
"Agreed."
Getting into their car, the two began blasting the James Bond theme song as loud as they could and drove erratically all over the base. Wavedancer untied Beach Head and the Army Ranger went to Sergeant Snuggles,
"Are you all right, Sarge? I'll make them pay!"
He carried the bear into a tank and began driving after the car, firing the turret. Wavedancer shook her head,
"I really have to tell the X-men and Avengers about this."
With that, she teleported away.
Back at the West Coast Avengers Compound…
Monica Rambeau, the adult Avenger Pulsar, came into the room and looked at the mess that had been created. She shouted,
"What is going on? There's oil everywhere!"
Leon explained,
"Well, Carol dumped motor oil all over Farrah and now Farrah wants revenge. I tried persuading her to clean up, but the cat-fight broke out."
The Louisiana-born heroine grumbled,
"Great, first Simon goes missing, and now this. What else can go wrong today?"
Wavedancer teleported in at that moment,
"Hi, guys."
Leon waved,
"Hey, Althea. What are you doing here?"
The water-controlling mutant said,
"Well, Wonder Man and Beast got drunk and are now acting like some sort of super spies."
Crystal, the Inhuman princess, came in and saw Wavedancer. She squealed,
"I wanna come!"
Crisis held his head,
"Fine. You and I'll go see if we can bring them back."
The three teleported out of there.
Back at the base…
After rounding up some of the X-men, and Pulsar flying at light speed, Crisis and Crystal, as well as Wolverine, Jean Grey, Iceman, and Magma were at the G.I. Joe base. Beach Head was still driving around in a tank, still firing the turret to try and blow up double-0 Henry and double-0 Simon. Leon rolled his eyes,
"They got to the vodka martinis again."
Wolverine shook his head,
"What do we do now?"
Pulsar said,
"I have an idea. Crisis, you stop that car."
The red-eyed powerhouse nodded,
"Got it!"
He sped as fast as he could near the car and stopped it. However, what he failed to realize was the tank had been going a little faster than normal and Beach Head was not attempting to stop. Magma and Crystal launched fireballs at the treads, and managed to damage them all. The tank then began to flip over the sports car and land with the turret side on the bottom. Beach Head groaned inside the tank,
"Ow."
Beast and Wonder Man looked at each other and then at Crisis and the others. The furry secret agent said,
"They must be back up."
Simon nodded,
"I agree. We must interrogate them about the nuclear bomb."
Leon had to blink at that,
"Uh, guys. I hate to break it to you, but this isn't a terrorist base, and you're not James Bond."
Jean used her telepathic abilities and knocked the two of them out. Bobby chuckled,
"Looks like we'll get Beast back in time for his debriefing."
Logan rolled his eyes,
"Great."
General Hawk came out,
"What's going on? Why is there a tank overturned?"
Pulsar came up to the general,
"It's a long story, sir, and I can explain."
Magma looked around,
"Wait, where is Crystal?"
"AAAAHHHH!"
Quicksilver, the super fast mutant, ran by, screaming,
"GET AWAY FROM ME!"
Crystal, little hearts appearing around her, cheered,
"Come to me, you sexy beast you!"
General Hawk shook his head,
"Can you explain it after we get those two under control?"
End of One Shot