It was always foretold that I was to find a great love and a great pain in one and that it was beside this "one" that I would spend the rest of my days. Something about my life line, my love line, and my stars, or so the old ladies said, but my response was always the same: My ass. I had been alone my whole life and I was pretty damn happy that way. But fortunes have a way of coming true for people who don't believe in them.
It was foretold that she would find her purpose in another's shadow and sink keeping others afloat. A grim fortune. But I knew the moment I saw her that she was not one to chain herself to fate. I wouldn't have looked down at all if she wasn't so incredibly loud.
She came up to my chest.
It was a rally for Black Order supporters and I was just there because I was young and rebellious but she, I could tell she was serious. And smart. I clapped with the others when she was done talking and paid a little more attention to what was going on below my shoulders. I followed her out into the dark of firefly-lantern lit streets as the group dissolved into the night and was absorbed by the after-hours crowd. Some impulse told me to find out where she lived. It was in front of the brothel that the men appeared, a swarm from the meeting that I noticed skulking when she spoke. I waited for what I expected and I wasn't disappointed.
"Hey, little lady… isn't it a bit late for a girl like you to be out on the town?"
"Do you have some business here? If not, I think it's best you start moving on."
"We'll be moving on soon enough… but a little lady like you needs to learn when to hold her tongue."
"If that's the way you feel, you have no place supporting an organization like the Black Order-"
"You just crossed a fine line, little lady-"
"She asked you if you had any business, punk." I didn't know why I said it, but I did and they scattered like the cherry blossoms that practically rained down during this season. She looked up at me and smiled her childish, sweet smile and gave a little round of applause.
"That was brilliant! You certainly know how to break up a gang, even if you don't know how to discreetly follow someone home."
Had I not been there moments before, I probably wouldn't believe that she had just been about to be jumped by five guys. She wasn't phased one bit.
"But I guess it would be hard for anyone of your stature!"
She giggled.
An utterly perplexing woman.
"You really must stop in for tea!"
And so I found out that not all brothel mistresses are skanks, that the tea there was as good as everybody said it was, and that I could get paid for just standing at the front door and doing what I had just done- scatter the little "cherry blossoms" that wondered too close every now and then.
So I stood beside her as she filled out my contract and for the first time in a long time, I realized I was happy.
I stood beside her at the next meeting and the next and the next- she was waiting for something that would come after the cherry blossoms finished falling. I stood beside her while she waited in pink rain. I stood beside her in the cherry blossom puddles that were swiftly drying in the sun. I stood beside her as she paced the halls in mosquito nights. I stood beside her when the last puddle dried.
And then he came on the first breath of fall with the keys to the back door.
I had no idea what to make of him with his secret smiles, his calculating composure, and his charms and graces. I stood beside her door and paid a little more attention to what was going on above my shoulders (albeit only a few inches). I stood beside her door all night when the voices were quiet. I stood beside her door all day when the voices were loud. I stood beside her door when the ladies came up with dinner and a prayer that he was going soon, for "m'lady's sake".
I stood beside her door for days and for the first time in a long time, I realized I was worried.
I stood beside her door the morning she ran out with her hair down, trailing behind her like her silk nightgown, ballooning as she stopped suddenly at the stairway and turned to look at me with big tired eyes. And then I stood beside her to catch her when those eyes fluttered closed and she swayed before collapsing- the last leaf of fall that had been battered too long by the season's first gust. I stood beside her until she woke up and gave me her smile, that juvenile and contagious expression, but I could tell it was tainted by a little bit of maturity and all the coldness that came with it.
"How are you feeling, mistress?"
"Mm… I'm feeling like tea… jasmine, I think…"
An utterly perplexing woman.
But all that mattered was that I could stand beside her again and no door and no man was keeping us apart. I stood beside her at the next meeting and saw the "little lady" we'd all been missing. It was winter now and I felt that she was waiting again. I stood beside her and said nothing as she looked out the window, brushing her hair. I stood beside her at the market, under a grey sun and thick haze. I stood beside her in the kitchen while she brewed tea. I stood beside her and listened to her dream about her mother and murmur about the few inches-above-my-shoulder man and sing about the sea while I brushed her hair.
"You do a good job, Mahoja."
"Hm?"
"You do a good job…"
And then I found out what she was waiting for.
"Mahoja! Mahoja, look!" She pressed the window open and leaned out. I grabbed her waist to keep her from falling even though, deep inside, I knew, there wasn't even the slightest chance but, I couldn't help but hold her. Because if she did, if she fell even though I knew she wouldn't, and I hadn't done anything, hadn't been careful- it was fucking cold outside.
"Mistress, it's-"
"Snowing, Mahoja, snowing!"
We looked up into the sky where little specks of frozen fluff were wafting down from endless grey to dance across our freezing skin. While we watched the snow I thought about all the time I had been alone. Back then I only cared for myself, only took care of myself, only screwed myself over when I messed up. And while our bodies went numb I realized I had my world in my arms.
I would have to be careful.
Five years after it snowed, I stood beside her while a man got down on one knee and told us he was dead.
She shattered.
But my mistress has always been good at holding herself together in front of others.
She even said thank you.
I stood beside her while she cried that night and the next and the next- she had nothing to wait for. I stood beside her and missed her smile. I stood beside her to brush her hair while she sat at her dresser because windows could never show her what she wanted to see again but mirrors might. All I saw in the mirror was my moon mistress, waning as the month trickled away to the first patters of cherry blossom rain. But I stood beside her and said nothing as we both waited for the fall to see if he was really gone.
And then he came on the last sigh of spring without any keys and only one clue but that was enough to get in through the back door.
I stood beside her while she greeted them with the smile she used for strangers. I stood beside her and balked when he spoke the words that could patch my mistress's heart together. I stood beside her when she surprised me by breaking in front of them, maybe out of trust and maybe because no one can stay together forever if she's already in pieces.
A pleasantly perplexing woman.
The moon was waxing now and that meant the time was right for sailing. I stood beside her as we watched the land disappear and I prepared to wait for what I expected.
I wasn't disappointed.
I stood beside her in swarms of mosquitoes much bigger than we were used to and with much more dangerous stings. I stood beside her at the stern and helped her steer.
Even a strong woman needs help sometimes, especially when she's been broken so many times before.
I stood beside her more closely than I ever had because I had to be careful so my world didn't slip out of my hands, if it did, and I had my expectations, but I had to pretend, I had to.
For the thousandth time since the first time, I realized I was worried.
I stood beside her as we hurried. I stood beside her as she yelled and I saw our little lady. I stood beside her as we fell and shook and lunged and splashed and sunk and sunk. But the moon was full and something about that kept us sailing, wouldn't let the ship be sucked away. I stood beside her all along and then she got away from me, apart from me, falling out of my hands and-
I held her waist so that she never touched the ground. She could have only broken so many times and one more would be too many.
I stood… beside her…in our second snow…
I stand…
beside…
her…
while she brushes hands…
and I wonder…
if she remembers… …
what I do… …
or if she's thinking of… …
her… … mother… … …
her… … …
few-inches… above-my-shoulder man… … …
her… … … fate… … …
and I wonder… … …
if she knows… … …
that I will always-
I hope you enjoyed this...um, I just wanted to dedicate this to buddyblack of deviantart, who will probably never read this, but without her as my inspiration it never would have been written. She, and several of you (lillabis, sarahfreak, shadowsilk, imanokie01, and incognito temptation, to name a few), all inspire the feeling I imagine Mahoja has for her "little lady" (if you will) within me. :) In short, even though I don't know any of you (although I do know buddyblack) well or in real life, you just make me incredibly happy and give me the urge to protect you because of the unique and essential goodness each of you offer to the world. Thank you, all! :3
With love,
S