A/N: Hello oh wonderful people who clicked to read this! Uh...Maybe that was too dramatic for an introduction. Anyway, all I can say about this is that... it's random. Very random. There's probably over ten different references in here. Why I bothered writing this? It was the only way to vent writer's block apart from impaling a poor innocent orange with toothpicks. No, I don't really vent like that. But it'd be quite funny if I did.
Disclaimer: I don't own.
Warning: Obvious OOCness. If you take offence in the misuse of cheerleader lingo and the tossing of burritos, then this is not for you.
Of Legends and Cornflakes
Once upon a time, there existed a cornflake that was the source of a great energy. A war, however, caused this cornflake to wither away and a tree's life was pointlessly sacrificed -because sacrifices are a must in all legends- to take its place.
Grieving over the loss of the cornflake, all cereals disappeared unto the heavens, leaving humans entirely breakfast-less even if they could always settle with foods other than cereal. Humankind was then left with this edict: "You must awaken the cornflake, for if it should remain hidden, the world shall be left without breakfast."
The Chosen Log was thus sent down, a reincarnation of the previously sacrificed tree, and if found and unlocked, the legendary cornflake shall be awakened. Fearing the Era of breakfast without cereal, humankind chose a group to retrieve this Log. This marked the beginning of the World Re-breakfastation.
~x x x~
"Hey Old Man! Wake up!" Yuri frowned when Raven remained snoring; he was fast asleep with his arms crossed over his chest, hanging upside-down from the ceiling like a bat normally would. Or Dracula. You choose.
A light bulb flashed up above Yuri's head as if the most genius and marvelous idea occurred to him. He then lifted his hand and took the light bulb only to forcibly shove it in the Old Man's mouth.
Raven munched and crunched, swallowing thickly and then he patted his satisfied stomach, eyes still closed like he was sleeping. Which he was. Through random telepathy, he thanked Yuri for the meal. 'Wha, thank ya vewi mush sonny boy!'
"No problem," Yuri said coolly. "We can't let you go on this mission with an empty stomach." With that said, he pulled a hood of some black cloak over his head and brought up a random torch. And then - like he was in some sort of medieval movie - Yuri briskly made his way down a spiral stairway leading into the dark unknown.
The snoring Raven, now on the floor, glided behind the dark-haired swordsman, drool dripping down his chin as he dreamed merry dreams wherein Belius and Kaufman gave him a foot massage.
Once Yuri reached the last step, he looked around. They were now standing in the vast open plains where the sun shone brightly. Heaven and the assorted cereals in it alone knew how the hell the stairs going downward into the abyss led them there, so don't bother pondering it.
Anyway. Because Yuri was the main character he was obligated to state the obvious, but because he was voted coolest main character in all of the Tales games, he stated the obvious in that ultra cool pokerfaced way of his.
"Looks like we're in the plains..." Upon his much-needed observation, Yuri placed a hand on his hip which caused fangirls to make a quick appearance, scream in delight and then vanish again as if they were not there damaging his hearing ability.
"Well, that was weird," he observed again, his medieval cloak all of a sudden gone.
"ZzZz," Raven mindlessly snored in reply, scratching the back of his head.
"Come on; let's see if we can meet up with the others. The world needs a proper breakfast because breakfast is the most important meal of the day..." Yuri said to no one in particular because Raven was now an invisible polkadotted lampshade.
Just then Duke swooshed by in an airplane, hovering in front of Yuri. "This is of utmost importance to your mission," he said in his deep voice that left many guys who mistook him for a girl crying in hysterics.
The mysterious white-haired man pulled out his dentures and stoically pointed out the gold fillings that was too blinding for Yuri to comprehend.
Yuri threw his hands up to shield his eyes from the bright, golden light. "How can someone like you wear dentures? How? It's impossible!" he spluttered in disbelief as he had never expected Duke to have false teeth since he was such a cool and stoic guy.
"You have to stop this Duke!" The dark-haired man had regained his composure swiftly and said that in his serious tone that he normally used when he was uselessly trying to convince the antagonists that they were wrong about something and there was an alternative.
HOWEVER. All along, he was totally oblivious to the airplane which shouldn't even have existed in Terca Lumereis in the first place regardless that there was advanced enough technology to create weapons such as Heracles that would make Earth's military defense look scrawny in comparison. But alas Yuri did not know of Earth and nor did he know that the moment after Duke and his beloved airplane turned into a strawberry jello mattress, our favourite pink-haired princess would swing by on a vine.
And she did.
"Hello Yuri!" Estelle greeted ever so politely, her merry tone causing a rainbow to arch over above her to contribute to the sweet aura around her. Out of habit, she proceeded to bow, totally forgetting that she was on a vine. And then she fell down.
"Estelle!" Yuri shouted with absolute concern, even though the princess was conveniently padded on the jello mattress. More fangirl squeals sounded at his close-up when he devotedly dashed to support her up.
"I'm fine Yuri! I'm just..." Estelle looked uneasy, standing on the jello with difficulty. "I just wanted to tell you something to divert this story even more from the main plot of this fanfiction which was meant to be about the legendary cornflake," she admitted with a small sigh.
Yuri tilted his head slightly, furrowing his brows in confusion, but trying to keep a calm demeanor as he knelt before the rambling princess. "What is it, Estelle?"
She wavered. "It's just..."
"Just what?" he asked evenly, his gaze becoming intense.
"Oh I'm so selfless I can't even bring myself to tell you that I spammed Pow Hammer on Ioder because of selfish reasons triggered when he found my secret stash of cheese! I love cheese so much, and he was about to donate it to orphans and peasants! My cheese! Can you believe it!? My freakin' cheese!" Estelle wailed, hopelessly sobbing into her hands at the thought of her cheese going toward charity.
Yuri stood up, stepping back, expression aghast. "No! Not Ioder...he was my...my...my Fairy Godmother!"
Estelle gasped shooting upright and staring intently at Yuri. Holding her gloved hands to her mouth, she shook her head in denial, her aquamarine eyes swimming in tears that made her look even prettier than she looked when she was not distressed, which unfortunately did not apply to normal people in real life...
"That-that means that...it was all a lie!" She stepped back shakily before continuing. "Facebook really WAS better than Twitter after all!"
The revelation was too much for her to bear that she lost her princess-like composure and jumped up and down in a tantrum. This rapid motion was too rushed that a chemical reaction occured and she exploded into millions of gald coins with a KaCHING! leaving Yuri staring at the space she previously occupied.
For some reason Raven was back in his original human snoring form. A gald coin chinked on the nest that was on his head and he awoke, eyes flickering dollar signs even if dollars didn't exist because the monetary currency was gald.
Raven transformed into a giant squid, and the little bird flew off disturbed. With his purple jacket, Raven the Squid bustled to collect the gald. "Money Money Money!" he muttered, ecstatically.
From where he was standing and just watching, Yuri flinched at the drilling sound that came from underground. Rita cropped up from beneath the ground, a Drill Helmet on her head. Her crazed eyes spotted the squid and with her head tilted creepily she exclaimed in a drooling hoarse voice: "Calamariiiiii!"
Glyphs spun around her feet as she stood in a complicated Yoga Asanas, muttering her most powerful and immensely feared incantation: "O' power that lies in the root of all trash cans, o' memory inscribed in ages past the expiry date, hear my call and arise before me...! Moldy Burrito Spurge!"
The sky darkened and a barrage of moldy burritos darted down at the squid, depleting his HP and knocking him out. Rita scooped an unconscious Raven up bridal style before diving back into the ground wherever she came from.
Before any words could escape Yuri's open mouth, the clouds above parted ways and a spotlight shone down with harmonious melodies playing in the background. The melodies were so melodious they made pigeons drop down dead.
"The hell is going on? ...Flynn?" the black-haired swordsman gaped, craning his head to look up.
Lo and Behold! Flynn made his graceful descent in a golden chariot, clad in spandex and shimmering in the light which enhanced the soft blonde spikes of his hair. "It is I, Flynn Schifo!" he announced, but Ba'ul came plummeting from the skies, slamming him to the ground and ruining his grand entrance.
Because he felt nosy at the time, Yuri peered in the resulting crater to see a portion of Flynn lying sprawled out with swirly eyes. The whale on steroids otherwise known as Ba'ul turned into a cricket and jumped out of the crater with a single leap, lifting the chariot over his head victoriously.
"Wait, where's Judy?" Yuri called after the cricket, hoping that maybe Judy would help him on his quest, but it was too late, the cricket had stolen the chariot and disappeared into a swirly vortex after a maniacal cackle.
To add to the craziness, an oompa-loompa tapped Yuri on his shoulder. But this wasn't just your ordinary chocolate factory worker oompa-loompa. It was a hobo one.
"Man, you smell worse than the sewers!" Yuri commented bluntly, clamping his nose shut and not at all wondering about the strangeness of the day and random people appearing in the middle of the empty plains.
"The names Phil, here me rap a beat so mad chill!" The hobo oompa-loompa started beat boxing a catchy tune. The beat was so groovy that Yuri couldn't help himself. He breakdanced, doing the robot and throwing in a few Elvis moves with pizzazz.
"Yuri! I found the Chosen Log!" Karol declared proudly, waving his short arm excitedly.
Nan hit him upside the head because Rita wasn't there to do it since she was too busy in her underground hut threatening the Belly Dancing Wonder Chef to cook Raven, even though he reverted back to normal.
Yuri shook his head in disapproval. "Karol, that's a diamond..." he said and then with his perfectly curvaceous hips, Yuri punished Karol by hip-thrusting him into the sky.
"Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!" the twelve year old rocketed off becoming a twinkling star in the distance.
Yuri chuckled, grinning like a total bully. He didn't notice a calm headed Krityan coming up behind him.
"Heheh, do you have ants in your pants Yuri?" Judith chuckled, strolling over with her delicately plucked eyebrows raised.
Just so you know, he was still busting vigorous hip thrusts that would have made Cumore doubt his feminine charm if he wasn't too busy putting a band-aide on a sobbing Alexei's booboo.
Yuri shrugged. "No, but my pants is made out of ants."
And indeed they were. Thousands of black ants crawled to the ground, letting us all know that Yuri was wearing white shorts with red hearts underneath. The ants rose to form a colossal trembling hand and he stared in awe, cussing up a storm which wrecked all coastal towns.
The colossal insect hand swatted an unsuspecting Judith- who was all of a sudden doing jumping jacks. The great force sent her flying all the way into the Great Tree of Halure. The Krityan hung upside down between the pink flowers with a tipsy smile revealing only one wobbly tooth left.
ANYWAY! Back in the plains, after taking a quick potty-break during the intermission, Yuri saw the ants had morphed into a log.
He prodded it with his boot. A thin line parted the smooth wood, and the log split open. A single cornflake lay in the mist of the special effects of smoke trailing out to make the opening even more dramatic.
"It's...the cornflake." Flynn, fully recovered, had clamored out of the crater to join Yuri in an amazed totally speechless stance.
Yuri rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"You realize that was pretty lame, don't you Yuri?" Flynn pointed out.
Yuri barred his teeth, growling lowly like a wolf. Flynn countered with a neigh, like a deranged horse.
Suddenly, Yuri smirked mischievously. "Haha, guess what I have Flynn."
Flynn's eyes widened in a dreaded foreshadowing of what was to come. "Don't tell me it's-"
"That's right. It's a coconut with a stick-on moustache! And his name is Bob!" Yuri held out Bob the coconut triumphantly and Flynn instantly shat a brick in fear.
Suddenly, Sodia's voice screeched defensively; "Hey! Get away from My Flynnsie-poo!"
At first, Yuri and Flynn were confused. Blinking. Even the coconut blinked. Yes, it had googly stick-on eyes as well.
All three were confused until they heard an exasperated sigh. "Down here!"
It was then discovered that the voice of Sodia was coming from, GASP, the cornflake!
"What?" Flynn muttered. It was his turn to step back dramatically, totally aghast. "Sodia was the tree in the legend that was sacrificed to take the cornflakes place!? And instead of being reincarnated as the Chosen Log as the legend foretold, she was reincarnated as the cornflake!?"
"Eeek!" The coconut shrieked like a girl, grew a pair of hairy man legs and then ran like hell.
Yuri was too perplexed to notice. "What? You gotta be kidding me? That doesn't even make sense!"
With a battle cry more annoying than Tarzan's, the cornflake charged straight into the disbeliever's mouth. Yuri fell over with a choked grunt, laying there, hands twitching.
"No! My BFF!" Flynn's voice cracked in anguish as he fell to his knees traumatically. He looked upon Yuri's pained face, clenching his quivering fists as suppressed tears became visible.
The readers who were Fluri fans reached for a tissue and shed a few tears themselves at this intense and tragic moment, before Flynn continued with a typical avenging speech.
"I swear Yuri. I will fix this. I will avenge you, Camilla my pet iguana, and your Fairy Godmother. And I will put an end to all this... intolerable randomness corrupting our personalities and the pure awesomeness of game that is Tales of Vesperia!"
"Er, like, do you have to be so dramatic?" the cornflake huffed, and it would have rolled its eyes if it had any. "If it wasn't because you're a blond guy with blue eyes, a typical knight in shining armor, then I'd like, charge into your throat and like, temporarily cut off your air supply as well! But now you're a knight in spandex, and although it shows off your abs, I'm like, totally loosing interest in you."
At this terrible attempt at cheerleader lingo, Flynn's face turned bright red. Steam of fury blew out of his ears, sounding like the whistle of a train.
"Ze tea is ready~!" Yeager exclaimed, proceeding to pour hot water from the steaming kettle into a floral teacup. He placed the hot beverage on his head before cycling off on a unicycle into a river full of hiccupping piranhas.
Unaware of that display, the cornflake levitated backwards precariously. "Um, Fynnsie-poo...why are you looking at me like that?"
Flynn clenched his fists at his sides. Summoning the deep and mystic power of Friendship's Magic, he thumped his puffed up chest like gorilla-style. "Rawwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrr!"
Fragments of rocks broke off from the ground and floated up as a bluish flaming aura outlined his body.
"His energy level is increasing!" the cornflake gasped, apparently observing this through a miniature green scouter.
Flynn strode toward his ex-lackey confidently, and somehow, the cornflake who used to be an overprotective diehard fangirl sweat-dropped.
"Uh...Flynsie-poo, we can talk this out right?"
"Never!" Super Flynn caught the cornflake in both hands and then greedily wolfed it down. He swallowed, narrowing his eyes as he smacked his lips. Literally, for some reason.
"Strange. It tastes like sodium chloride."
He smacked his lips again.
And before he could clout his mouth yet again, he burped so hard, so uncharacteristically loud, so uncharacteristically disgustingly, that he turned into a meerkat. No one knew of the idiocy of this mission, because they did not read the label at the back of the log which said: –Now available at retail stores. Please digest responsibly. Recommended Source of Energy, Vitamins and Minerals.
Thus the World Re-breakfastation journey was unsuccessful and the characters mentioned were never heard from again...
Wait! Story's not done yet!
What of the state of humankind...?
People had to go about their lives without cereal, eating breakfasts of burnt toast and runny egg until the end of time...
A/N: If you're confused, don't worry, I am too. If this made you laugh like a mad person then I guess that's a good reaction. If this annoyed you to no end, I did give warning. If this made you feel like getting a burrito -but not a moldy one- here you go. *gives burrito*
Asanas = Yoga Pose
Rita's Ancient Burrito Spurge was my odd alteration of the incantation for Ancient Catastrophe. Haha!
Thanks for reading. :3