I wouldn't really call Mulder my friend. But I wouldn't call him an enemy either. Its clearly very complicated. I respect him, sure. I have been grateful for his presence, a couple times. He helped me out, and I have helped him out. I guess you can say that we tolerate each other.

Lately, though I have started to really envy him. Being envious really makes it hard for me to respect or tolerate him. I am so green with jealousy; I can barely stand to be in the same room as him. See Mulder has got himself a girl. That woman just happens to be special agent Dana Scully. And I want her so bad, that I can barely stand it

I want her to look at me the way she looks at him. Those blue eyes; staring deeply into mine, the way that they stare into his. I want her to make excuses to touch ME. I want her to be curled into MY body late at night.

I wish she was my girl. Why can't I find a woman like that?

I try and act like nothing is changed. That the thought of them together, doesn't make my blood boil. It seems pointless to change anything now. I can't compete with Mulder. His looks, his passion, his intelligence. He has everything that any women would want.

When he walks into the room, she glows. It's disgusting. She and I could be having a conversation, and she is distant, and reserved. Then he walks into the room. Sometimes I swear she can just sense it she doesn't even have to see him, and she starts with the damn glowing. Then, when she looks at him; she visibly relaxes almost as though, it was just too hard to not be around him. It makes me sick. The way she whispers "hi". And then he whispers "hi back." And for a second both of them forget I'm there. Like they're having their own private conversation, that no one else can hear. Sometimes I have to literally clear my throat to get them to snap out of it. And they don't even have the good graces to act sorry. They just share a private smile and its back to business as usual.

I want to yell in her face. "I love you Dana." That's right I would call her Dana. What kind of relationship is it where they only refer to the other with surnames? I would pronounce my love. "I john Doggett am in love with you. I would move the world for you if I could. I will make you breakfast in bed, every day. I would never make you angry, or ditch you, or even make you cry"

A lot of good it would do me. I would be wasting my breath. Cause she would be looking right through me. Looking at him, or thinking of him. The only time I will feel the intensity of her love, is when it's focused him; Never on me. I bare my soul to her, and then she would be right back to his bed that night. Showing him, just how much she loves him. He would hold her in his arms. While I will be lying in my bed all alone, wondering why I can't find a love like that.

I thought I had a chance you know. Back when he was missing. I was getting her to trust me. We were working well together. She even let me hold her when she cried. I mean there was really no reason for her not to love me. I'm a good looking, muscular guy; I'm funny, and intelligent. Those are all the things that should make a women fall in love with me. I was putting in the time, letting her grieve. Giving her the time she needed, to move on, the time she needed to move on to me. Just when it felt like I was right there, well you know the rest from there

I can't compete with him. It doesn't matter, who looks better, who is more loyal, funny, or intelligent. He has something that I could never have. Her heart……..

But that doesn't stop me from wishing I had Mulders girl.