The Sight of the Heart
"Joseph, take your feet off the table."
I sighed loudly; I wanted everyone to know the discomfort I just had to suffer. Adam looked up at me and raised an eyebrow as if to ask me why I had to act so melodramatic. I looked at him innocently.
"What?" I mouthed the words to save the interruption of Pa asking what we were arguing about. Pa stuck his nose into everything, which I don't mind, too often. Adam just shook his head, pretending to be frustrated, but I saw the smirk in his eyes, no fooling Joe Cartwright. Yeah, that's right Adam, I see right through that locked up layer to you. Adam looked at me again; I knew he could feel my eyes watching him. I always thought it is weird how human's can tell when someone is giving them an eye. He gave me a round of questions with just one look, I smirked at his quizzical features and shook my head and leaned into the settee.
I had almost drifted into a mid-day sleep when Hoss banged open the door, letting it bounce off the wall and slowly drift to a halt. I craned my neck over the side of the settee to see what his problem was. Automatically I noticed his pale face and distraught features.
"Hoss?" Pa's voice wavered slightly as he gripped Hoss's forearm, "What is it?"
"Pa, you've gotta' come quick and send for Doc Martin, "Hoss paused to catch his breath, all his words flowed out in a rush, "There's fire down at the mines, the place is a mess; everything blowing up, a lot of men are hurt…"
"Adam send one of the hands for the doctor, Hoss get the buckboard ready, Joe tell Hop-sing to get his supplies ready." Pa barked out orders and we all raced to do his bidding.
I dashed to Hop-sing, but the little china man already had everything under control. I knew he had eyes in the back of his head, but sometimes I wondered if he had ears as well. I ran outside and made sure Hoss had the buckboard ready, of course he did. I pulled Cochise out of the barn and saddled her, explaining things as I went along to the horse. Why I always talked to Cochise I'll never understand, but somehow I know she knew what I said or at least how important things were. Looking behind me I saw everyone was ready. And then we were off.
The mines were a mess. I had never seen much of anything like it. The first thing that caught my eyes was three men lined up on the blankets. I could smell the burned flesh. I turned my head away; I didn't want to see their blank features staring back at me. I realized then that my brothers were already going to action, not wanting to be not of help I immediately started to lend a hand. Carry water, empty it on the flames, and haul the bucket back. Motions, I was only going through the motions. I didn't want to hear the men's cries of those that had been injured; I didn't want to see our family's hard work going up in flames. It was much easier to just do the work and don't think. I knew I would think about it that night though. Tonight would be filled with dreams of walls of fire and the sounds of yelling men. Little did I know that it would be completely different.
I heard Hoss's voice next to me, "Joe, Joe it's gone, we've lost the mines."
I nodded sadly and wiped a sooty hand across my distressed face. It was time to call it a day. I was tired, more tired than I had been in a long time. A fraction of Pa's own labor, our labor, was lost today. Men's lives were lost today. I didn't know the body count at the time but I did know that it was at least three men so far. Also more than a couple wounded. Hoss had his massive hand on my back, leading my tired body to my horse. Forever I will always wonder what made me look back at that very moment. What ever possessed me to take a few steps forward to watch my father's industry fall. I gazed at it, the massive wall of flicker flames curling and twisting into the darkening sky. I felt sick. I turned and saw that my family waited for me already on their horses. I realized that three families were waiting for a man to come home today and that they would feel one of the greatest disappointments in their lives. Adam gave me a look; he was asking me if I felt alright. Yeah sure I did, I wasn't the one dead. I smiled at him.
"Come on Joe, let's go home." Adam was beckoning me to my horse. Home sounded pretty good right now. I nice bath, some good food, checkers maybe? Today's events won't last, at least for me they won't. Funny how one person's life can be ruined and the person standing next to them can forget about it in a week; funny how in the next second my life was changed dramatically.
Noise, all I heard was noise. I realized it then that the fire had found one last bit of TNT. It had eaten the explosives and belched out a beast of fire. One minute I was on the ground and the next I was in the air coming quite up close and personal with my family. At that very moment I thought it comical how I hadn't even had a decent conversation with my Pa today and here I was flying towards him.
But this wasn't funny…. I hit the ground and everything went black.
The first thing I noticed was that I couldn't breath. I felt like I was suffocating. I moaned and tried to pry the blankets off of me, there must have been ten of them plastered over my sweaty body.
"Hey buddy it's about time you woke up." Adam's voice was floating somewhere above my head, I wondered how he could make it sound so far away, "Pa! Pa! He's waking up."
"Adam." I croaked it. It's sounded hoarse and very unlike my voice, why were everyone's voices so messed up today?
"I'm right here. You need something?"
"Adam, the blankets are chocking me, I can't breath…" I sighed as I felt the blankets pulled off, I still couldn't breathe well. Smoke inhalation?
"Adam…" I paused, "what happened. I remember looking at you and Pa and Hoss, but I don't know what happened… what were we doing there," I had to catch my breath, "there was fire, great walls of it, am I burned?" Please don't let it be my face, I won't be able too go into town if it's my face.
I lifted my hand to feel my face but felt Adam pull it away before I could see with groping fingers. It is my face, "Adam…" I choked.
"No, no little buddy, it's not your face, wait 'till Pa gets in here with the doctor and they'll explain it to you."
I could tell by Adam's voice that he didn't want to tell me. I could tell by the quiver in his "little buddy" that there was something wrong that he was scared of. Adam didn't shy away from much, and this unknown scared me more than anything. I wanted to cry. But I was seventeen, and almost a man and men aren't allowed the privilege to cry, but oh how the sobs burned in my throat and eyes. I wanted to beg him "tell me now", but I kept my mouth shut in fear of a quavering voice and an unsteady heart. I heard Pa and Doctor Martin walk into the room, Pa's heavy footsteps normally filled with light bearings, dragged in with a heavy burden. I don't want to burden him…
"Well Joe, how are you feeling?" Doc Martin's voice was light but behind it was the intensity of fear.
I realized then that I hadn't opened my eyes this entire time. Well I could just see for myself what was wrong with me. I opened my eyes. Nothing… darkness. I see… I see now what is wrong with me. I see that I can't see.
"Joseph?" Pa's voice sounded extremely worried.
"I feel… I feel fine Pa." I gasped the words out. Everything was most diffidently not fine. I can't breath and now I can't see.
"I don't see how young man with two broken ribs." Doc Martin chuckled, but then sobered, "Also Joe, there has been some damage to your eyes. I have bandaged them and I'll leave them on for the next two weeks."
"Will I see when they are off?" Hope, somehow there is always hope, even in this pit of darkness that I am forced to suffer for the next two weeks, maybe my life, somehow hope shines through.
"I'm hoping for the best. Though there may be permanent damage… I can't tell." The man sounded down and he's not the one that's suffering. Or maybe he suffers for me. Maybe I'm selfish to think that this only pains me.
"I'm sure everything will turn out… the way God wills it Joe." Pa's voice sounded kind as he placed his large hand on my arm, "Now get some rest." Patting my arm, I could feel him turn toward the chair and heard the sound of him sit.
"And if God wills me blind?" The thought came threw my lips before it processed my mind, I'm such a blurt mouth. I let out an exasperated sigh; I hope I didn't hurt him.
"Then that is that. Everything will turn out, Joseph. Everything always does. Sight is not everything in a man, son. There is more. Now, close your eyes," I heard Pa bite his tongue, there's more than one blurt mouth in this house, "and go to sleep."
"Pa," I mumbled.
"Yes Joe?" He leaned forward over the bed.
"Is it night out?"
"No son, morning."
"No breakfast in bed?"
I felt myself falling into my bed, spinning, which happens often before I fall asleep and it was then that I saw the reason behind falling asleep, because sometimes before you are really asleep you get the oddest sensation of falling into your covers past your bed board, spinning, always have to be spinning…
I heard Adam's footsteps cross in front of my door. After two days I could tell everyone's footsteps in the house, their breathing, and eating sounds. I thought that was amazing, but I don't think anyone noticed.
"Adam?" I called to him.
"Yeah Joe?" He was now inside the room, I could tell by the closeness of his voice.
"Read to me?" I almost laughed at the question and I think Adam almost did too; it was rare to get me to want to read, but boredom is the worst wound anyone is made to suffer.
"Yeah sure Joe. What do want to hear? Adventure? Battles? I don't think you're much into romance…"
"A war book sounds just fine Adam. Bring me something bloody." Bring me something to take my mind off my own pain.
"Bloody books and battle scenes sound like just the thing you need Joe. I'll make it real easy for you to picture it in your head." Adam was excited, I could tell, he practically skipped to his room. Sometimes I think he would give anything to have me little again, it must kill him to see me almost a man. It will kill me to see me blind.
"Shall I begin?" I hadn't heard him sit down in the room; I must have been lost in thought, not concentrating. I need to pay attention more if I want to get really good at this.
"Yes." Simple reply, I didn't feel like talking much though, I snuggled under the covers.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, and it was the season of Darkness…"
I remembered then a verse from the Bible I heard long ago, "there is a season for everything. And there is a time for every thing under heaven- A time to give birth, and a time to die;…A time to kill, and a time to heal;….A time to weep, and a time to laugh;….A time to love, and a time to hate;" What was this time? A season of Darkness, but also Dickens said it was a season of Light. Where is this age of wisdom for me in all of my foolishness? Can I believe or am I in the epoch of incredulity? If there is one then there is the other, it is for me to decided which will dominate, the light or the darkness. I pray in two weeks time I don't have to choose.
"Hoss if I don't get out of this bed I think I'll just suffocate myself in a nice fluffy pillow. I've been here a week already. Please…" I didn't want to resort to begging.
"Gosh Shortshanks, yah don't have'ta go and do a thing like that, it's just that-"
"'It's just that' my foot Hoss. I just might have to put myself out of misery from this realm of boredom if I don't get up soon. My ribs are fine and you don't need to see to walk…" I was getting tired of arguing.
"Now Little Joe, Pa told me that you had'ta stay in bed today and that maybe tomorrow…"
I was getting pretty exasperated by now. I thought my mind was going to explode soon because it had been cramped in my brain with no interaction with the outside world for too long. Plus my whole body felt like one big cramp from lying down for a week… I just had to get out.
"But it's always tomorrow. When will it be today! I'm getting out of this bed now and you're not going to stop me Hoss."
"I sure will Joe if you move, Pa trusts me with you and I won't let him down. Now please Joe stay in bed. I promise I'll talk to Pa tonight and see what he says." I could tell Hoss was feeling pretty sorry for me right then and I was angry that he was. I don't really know when I got angry but I was right mad at the fact he pitied me. I didn't want his pity, I just wanted out of bed.
"Get out." I said it low and almost cruel, I didn't mean to, but sometimes my tongue acts like a circus act, going in all different directions that I can't stop it fast enough before it runs away.
"Ah come on Shortshanks, don't act like that, yah don't need to be pouting an' all." For some reason that made me even madder. I couldn't stand the thought of him pitying me and him thinking I was pouting. I didn't need pity and I most certainly wasn't pouting.
"I said go." I raised my hand and pointed at the door, well at least where I thought the door was, I couldn't exactly see.
"Little Joe…" I must have given him a look because he didn't continue and for the first time in my life, I was glad I had hurt his feelings. I was glad that he left the room with a distressed heart. I was glad that I was the one that hurt him. I was glad that someone else was feeling pain besides me. It was a good feeling, but later I would find that it had a terrible hangover to it. I smiled and snuggled under the covers. Getting out of bed wasn't as important as I thought it was, I can always walk around tomorrow.
The hangover struck around dinner time. I felt awful and I was too much of a prideful fool to say I was sorry right away. Hoss was such a sensitive fellow and knew I just about broke his heart. You're such a fool Little Joe Cartwright. A selfish fool… a selfish blind fool. I about choked at that thought. I wanted to cry again. I could feel myself push down the tears that wanted to spread so badly, if Pa didn't walk in at right that moment I probably wouldn't have cried.
"Joe son? What's wrong?"
What's wrong… well quite a few things actually, "Nothing Pa, just a little sore is all." I tried to smile; I'm such a bad liar when it comes to things like this.
"Joseph." Pa's voice was soft and gentle. He sat down on the bed and that was all it took for me to start crying. I pulled in a deep breath and I knew Pa heard it shake with sorrow. He pulled me to him.
"It's all right to cry Joseph. Men cry… I cry." Pa pulled my head to his chest.
"Pa, I…" I chocked, things like this weren't easy to come out, "I hurt Hoss's feelings today, I told him to get out of my room…" Well that wasn't too bad, but then again it wasn't the worst part of what I did.
"Joe son-"
I cut him off, "No Pa that's not all… When Hoss left I realized that it made me feel better, it made me feel good that I'd hurt him. I'm such a terrible person Pa, I really am. What kind of man would hurt his brother and then like it?" I had the hiccups going now.
"Son, there are many things in life that will happen and we will never know why we do them. You did wrong Joseph, but I think it's hurting you just as much as it hurt Hoss. Do you think you could tell him that you're sorry?"
The last thing I wanted was to face Hoss. I knew he probably was mad at me, but the type of mad that you pity the person because they're so mean that you just hate them but feel real sorry for them at the same time. I felt awful to think Hoss thought of me like that.
"Joe?" Pa's so impatient.
"Would you go get him for me?" I had stopped crying, I think it was because of this enormous nervousness that had opened up in my gut that was now distracting me. Why was the right thing to do always so hard?
"Of course."
I was edgy about seeing my own brother, the one that always made me feel so comfortable. I've had quite a few first timers this week and being afraid to see the gentlest man in the world is most certainly one of them. I could hear Hoss's slow footsteps walk up the stairs and stop at the foot of my bed. He was waiting for me to speak I knew.
"Hoss, I…," Don't cry, please don't cry, "I don't know why I did what I did, I…"
Of course I had to start crying. I've never cried twice in one day in my entire life. Hoss was immediately at my side doing a rhythmic motion up and down my back with his hand.
"You just go on and cry, it will do yah some good Shortshanks, Hoss ain't mad no more."
Good old Hoss. He understands everything, "Please forgive me."
"Already dun it kid."
I cried for a long time after that. I just sat there with my head leaning against Hoss's arm and balled until I had a headache. It was the best headache ever. I never felt so good in my life. I think Hoss understood that too. I think for the first time in a week I realized everything was going to be all right. I was given sight to see that my family would still love me no matter what and that was all that really mattered.