Some Destiny You've Got

OK, so I recently started watching Yu-Gi-Oh! GX episodes. Not just the important ones; the filler ones, too. And I must say, for the user of arguably the most top-tier strategy of all the main characters, Aster doesn't have a personality that really makes him...worthy of using such a great deck. So, I'm using this fanfic as a parody, slapstick one-shot for anyone who agrees that Aster abuses those poor, sweet, super-sexy-powerful Destiny Heroes.

Please note that the excessive language and homophobia placed in this story are purely for explanation purposes. I'm not a homophobe, and I'm not an immature little dumbass, either. Thank you!

(A/N: Before you ask, I'm also a guy. The character is a girl just for the name, because it's a reference. One that's -hopefully- easy to spot.)

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My name's the Double-D. I'm a transfer student from America. I wanted to move away from all the idiots who ogle my breasts, because they're just so huge, and all the guys love Double-D's Double-D's. Bunch of perverts...

So I moved to the much less horny Japan, in hopes that I would find a place where me and my...girls could just sit peacefully without getting mobbed by a bunch of horny schoolboys.

Oh, yeah, I'm also a great duelist. My favorite monsters are the Destiny Heroes. They were made by the father of Aster Phoenix, one of the world's very best duelists, and few were released. How did I managed to get them, you ask? Simple; I found all the guys who had them and stripteased for them. After I used an article of clothing to bind them to a chair I would give them lapdances on, I stole the card and ran off. It worked every time; I got a full deck of great cards.

"Welcome, Miss..." Dr. Crowler looked at my student information sheet. "Let me get this straight; your name is actually Double-D?"

"Yeah." I retorted arrogantly. "Got a problem with that, pretty boy?"

Crowler yelped in response, then huffed arrogantly, muttering out. "Only in America..."

"Fuck yeah!" I instantly responded.

"Watch your mouth, young lady, or you'll be expelled!" Crowler snapped.

"Sorry." I said, laughing sheepishly. "Reflex."

"You'll be placed in the Obelisk Blue dormitory, since you use a deck that mimics that of Aster Phoenix." Crowler said, handing me a Duel Disk. "However, the Obelisk Blue dormitory has recently had some...rennovations..."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I don't know; we, the esteemed staff of one of the most respected dueling schools worldwide were stupid enough to allow a 30 year-old child molester with the voice of Hannibal Lechter waltz right into our school and brainwash all our most talented students, turning them into total elitist douchebags..." He then pondered for a moment. "Wait, the Obelisk Blue students are ALREADY a bunch of total elitist douchebags!" He then stared right at me, or was it my breasts? Judging from the bleached blonde ponytail, pink frilly dress of a coat, and the four pounds of makeup on his face, I truly doubt he was interested. He declared cheerily, "I'm sure you'll fit right in with them!"

"Whatever." I said, swiping the Duel Disk and walking off.

It took me forever to get to this place. My GOD, who the FUCK got the brilliant idea of making us hike 8 miles to get to class? My body can't hold up my gigantic breasts for too long or I end up falling forward! Good thing my breasts are so big, they function nicely as nice cushions to soften the blow...OK, I'm going to stop explaining the abilities of my oversized breasts now. For whatever reason, everyone from here to fucking Chinatown can read my mind, so anyway, off to the dorm!

As I was walking, I saw none other than Aster Phoenix standing there. He turned to me, looking at me with a puzzled look on his face.

"My GOD, is there any guy in Japan that's not GAY?!" I fumed.

"Sorry," Aster said, "the writers force every male character to be sexually ambiguous by either dressing and looking really pretty, or if their face is in the ridiculously oversized cleavage of one of the pointless 'SAVE ME' whores of the series, they have some freak friendship with another guy; gives new meaning to the term 'bros before hoes'. It's for the fangirls...they turn us into whores and give us the stupidest pairings ever...Can you BELIEVE someone had the absolutely brilliant idea of making me and Sartorius an item?!" (A/N: Sorry. Any pairing with that freak just doesn't work...he eats the heads off of your children!)

"tl;dr" I said blankly. (A/N: "too long ; didn't read")

"OK, I'll shut up now." Aster said, moping in his defeated state.

"Anyway, Aster, it's nice that I ran into you." I said. "Since you're not after my tits, maybe you'll make a fitting opponent for Double-D!"

"You? Challenge me?" He laughed. "Sorry, trick; I'm a pro. You wouldn't last five minutes in a duel against me. I've beaten the best; Trusedale, Jaden, that one other guy, oh, yeah, some of those other minor characters nobody cares about. My deck is unbeatable because destiny is on my side and--"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screamed. "I'm tired of hearing you go on and on about how your shit doesn't stink. You think you're just God's gift to the world, aren't you? Well, big man, for your information, you lost a duel to Jaden, so you're not unbeatable."

"My deck was random!" he whined snootily in response. "And I was supposed to lose! And--wait, how do you know that?!" he asked in a whiny, pompous tone.

"Plot device." I answered.

"k."

"Now, asshole, put your money where your mouth is!" I said, arming my Duel Disk. "I'll show you how to properly use Destiny Heroes!"

He armed his as well. "Destiny's on my side, you loudmouth, big-tittied bitch!"

"Duel!"

Aster: 4000 L.P.
Double-D: 4000 L.P.

"HOLY FUCK A DUEL!" Out of fucking thin air, Jaden, Syrus, Hasselberry and Bastion came out of nowhere.

"Oh my God, it's those faggots." I said flatly.

"Ignore them, they're only even in the TV show for dramatic camera angles and to stretch out all the episodes to 21 minutes." Aster said.

Then, out of fucking thin air, Sartorius appeared, sitting with his divining table, a crystal ball and his tarot deck.

"Uhh...I predict..." he began.

"Save it, freakshow." I said. "That whole psychic bullshit is a joke, nobody's buying it. You mispredict all the time with Jaden, and you're a psycho alien freak anyway, so who gives a shit about your ass. They ship you off to the Pit of Forgotten Characters after you're purified, anyway, and you only come back for filler purposes and the people who like your deck because tarot cards are cool. So do the world a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"The wonders of plot device!" Jaden said. "I can fuck with everything and nobody cares!"

Sartorius groaned, defeated. Then, out of MORE fucking thin air, the entire Society of Light popped in, led by Chazz and Alexis as usual.

"Oh, great, it's Tittius Maximus and the pimple on GX's asshole." I said flatly.

"Must...suck...Sartorius'...cock..." they all said in a zombie-like state.

"See, this is why I really formed the Society of Light." Sartorius said. "I can brainwash the whole world into sucking my cock! BWAHAHAHA!"

"First of all, I told you nobody gives a shit about you or your lame-ass pixie-dust hippie stunt to make the world a better place. Second of all, I thought you were destroying the world, not trying to save it." I said.

"Well, I REALLY am, but 4Kids are a bunch of pussies." Sartorius said.

"Whatever." I said. "Now that the filler talk is over, can we dramatically draw our cards and make such ridiculous and stupid amateur moves that nobody would even play in reality?"

"k"

"Ladies first." I said, drawing a sixth card. "Hmm...By discarding Destiny Hero-Malicious to the Graveyard, I'm allowed to Special Summon my Dark Grepher to the field in Attack Mode!" A warrior with really, REALLY fucked-up skin tones took the field.

ATK: 1700

"Next, for its second effect, I discard my Destiny Hero-Dasher from my hand, and I'm able to send my other Destiny Hero-Dasher from my Deck to my Graveyard!" I said.

"What was that for?" he asked. "You played a pointless card that forced you to discard 2 cards just for another card in your Graveyard. You can't call yourself a Destiny Hero duelist if your Deck doesn't contain all the Destiny Heroes!"

"Well, sorry to break it to you, asshole, but some of the Destiny Heroes suck. That's the unfortunate thing about this game: Some cards just aren't that great." I said.

"Well, I have destiny on my side and I'm a pro, so I can't lose this duel because--"

"WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONE GODDAMN SECOND?!" I screamed.

"Someone's on her period." he said.

"I'm just sick of hearing you talk is all." I said. "Besides, I haven't even Normal Summoned yet, so I summon my Destiny Hero - Diamond Dude in Attack Mode!" A strange warrior with long silver hair, an overly long cape, and diamonds encrusted in his body (that somehow allows him to live) took the field.

ATK: 1400

"Now I activate my Diamond Dude's special power!" I said. "I flip over the top card of my Deck, and if it's a Normal Spell Card, it gets activated during my next turn!" I flipped over the top card of my Deck; Destiny Draw. "Lucky me." I said, sending the card to the Graveyard. "I set one card face-down and end my turn."

"About time!" he said, drawing his card. "Let me show you how a real pro plays this game!" He took a stance that clearly spelled out, 'I am trying way too fucking hard to be a badass motherfucker.' "I summon Destiny Hero-Defender in Defense Mode!" he said. A large black mass of rocks took the field.

"Well, disregarding the fact that you aren't legally able to summon monsters face-up in Defense Mode, I'll activate a little Trap Card. It's called Torrential Tribute, and it's activated when either of us summons a monster. All monsters on the field are destroyed." I declared.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!" he said, completely awe-struck by one of the most common and logical moves to make in the game. His monster shattered to pieces, very slowly at that, and he growled and hissed, looking at me like he wanted to tear me apart. "I'll pay you back for that. I set one card face-down and end my turn." he said.

"Fine, it's my turn." I said. "I activate the effect of my Dasher in the Graveyard during my Draw Phase. Now, if the card I draw is a monster, I can Special Summon it." I flipped over the top card of my Deck; Elemental Hero Stratos. "Look, it's a card Jaden never used once in his life and it's probably one of the most overused Elemental Heroes in the game; Stratos!" A blue warrior with wings and jets on his shoulders took the field.

ATK: 1800

"Now for his ability." I said. "When he's summoned to the field, I can add 1 Hero from my Deck to my hand!" I searched out Elemental Hero Prisma from my Deck and added it to my hand. I then shuffled my deck.

"Are you done yet?" he asked. "You're wasting my time taking ages to make your move here."

Annoyed, I retorted, "Hey, asshole, if you're really that tired, get on a fucking lawnchair, why don't you."

"Maybe I should." he said. He turned to Jaden. "Hey, dumbass, get me a lawnchair." He then turned to Syrus and Hasselberry. "You guys get me an umbrella and a cool drink."

"FUCK YOU!" they all said in unison.

"HOW DARE YOU!" he spat pompously.

"You know," I declared. "The longer you sit there and pompously make demands, the longer it's going to take for me to make my move."

"Oh..." he said. He then huffed, crossing his arms snootily. "Well, hurry up. I don't have all day. I have a prolific life of a dueling prodigy to live, you know."

"Whatever." I said. "It's my Standby Phase, so Diamond Dude's effect allows me to use Destiny Draw to draw 2 cards. And since Diamond Dude sent it to the Graveyard, I don't have to discard a Destiny Hero to do it!" I said, drawing 2 cards. This made the total number of cards in my hand 4. And I had all I needed to win. "First, let's get rid of that boring old piece of shit you call a Trap Card with Mystical Space Typhoon." I said. A twister blew his card away. Again, he took the opportunity to bare his teeth and stare at me ever so grudgingly.

"You destroyed my Destiny Signal!" he whined. "You'll pay for that!"

"That's what you get for running a non-chainable trap." I said flatly. "Anyway, moving on, I activate the effect of the Destiny Hero - Malicious in my Graveyard. See, by removing it from the game, I can Special Summon another one!" A large bat-like brown warrior stormed the field.

ATK: 800

"Now, I Normal Summon the coolest Elemental Hero, like, ever!" I said. "Meet Elemental Hero Prisma!" A glass warrior took the field, glimmering in utter sexiness.

ATK: 1700

"Now," I said. "I can sacrifice all three of my monsters to Special Summon my Destiny Hero - Dogma!" Thunder, lightning, earthquakes, all the overdramatic crap. Windstorms, dramatic camera angles from EVERYONE WATCHING, and then, big-ass monster with lotsa points.

ATK: 3400

Hasselberry chimed in. "Sarge, what does the scouter say about that monster's attack points?"

Jaden screamed, "It's over 3000!"

Epic "gasp" broken-mirror shots from everyone except me and Sartorius. He was too busy bawwing over his uselessness, despite having all of the Society zombies nipping at his balls.

"WHAT, 3000?!" Hasselberry exclaimed. "Well, Aster'll at least survive the round, so he can come back, right?"

"Wrong." I answered for him. "Remember my Malicious? I can remove him from play to summon another one from my Deck!" Another one stormed the field. (A/N: If every character can play Pot of Greed, I can play 3 Malicious. Shut up.)

ATK: 800

"Now, my Destiny Heroes, attack!" I commanded.

My Destiny Heroes very slowly took flight, making an epic camera angle as they did. They then charged in, taking three full camera angles to charge, stop, and sweep. As they struck him, Aster actually displayed signs of being in real physical pain from being attacked by holograms.

Double-D: 4000 L.P.
Aster: 0 L.P.

"Aster lost!" Jaden said. "Aster, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"This place is fucking insane." I said. "Everyone is a pompously dickheaded fag, we play using holographic projectors that look like they can seriously kill someone if used properly...like, the Japanese are really throwing a shitload of money into a children's card game. This is bananas. Besides, you losers only play with 4000 Life Points. Back in America, we can kill you in one turn with 8000 for fuck's sake." I then looked around at the chaos. "You know what? Fuck it." I took my deck out of my Duel Disk and violently flung it at Aster. It hit him dead-on, giving him a concussion. "I'm going back to America. I'll take horny nerds over you weirdo losers any day." I then walked off, going home.

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I hope you enjoyed this. I did my best to make this as satirical, slapstick, and as blunt as possible.

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