Let It All Go
I know
One day eventually
Yeah, I know
One day I'll have to let it all go
But I keep it just in case
Yeah, I keep it just in case
-In Case - Demi Lovato
A/N: So I sat outside in the garden when I had the urge to write and this happened. Credits to Chiara for coming up with their son's name :) I wasn't quite sure whether to publish it or not, but here we go. The Title doesn't really fit, but I can't stop listening to that song lol. Let me know what you think. Xx
He gave her a red string on their first anniversary.
It's the red string of fate, Serena.
She still remembers the excitement on his face when she'd pried open the lid of the thin velvet box, her heart fluttering wildly in her throat. That look had always been one of her favourites. The way he'd tuck his lips in, his shoulders lifting in anticipation, uninhibited joy scribbled into the lines around his eyes. His spirit never ceased to amaze her. How he could pull light from the shadows, mold sorrow into happiness, give away so many pieces of himself that she sometimes wondered how there was anything left. She'd never loved anyone the way she loved him. Had never been loved the way he loved her. All consuming. Bright. Pure.
She never believed in fate. Never bought into the idea of destiny or magic or soulmates. Not even as a child. Fairy tales and happily ever afters were unimaginable to her endlessly pragmatic mind. She didn't want to be a princess. Never longed for true love's kiss. She just wasn't built that way.
Dan made her want to believe. Made her want to open her heart to the possibilities, embrace the unknown. She could hold his hand on a sunny June Afternoon, the red string twisting around her wrist with every swing of their arms, and entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, this was where she was supposed to be.
A ring for their second.
Marry me, Serena.
Another velvet box, this one smaller and held in his trembling fingers instead of hers. A look in his eyes that stopped her heart. Three words that robbed the air from her lungs and the strength from her knees.
She'd collapsed next to him on the living room floor, the hem of her dress billowing as she hit the carpet, her hands already reaching for him. He'd gone to her willingly, the open box clutched between their bodies while she kissed him, her tongue sweeping over his and fingers twining through his hair. Tears adorned both their faces when they finally broke apart long enough for a whispered yes to pass her lips when he slid the ring onto her finger. She'd clung to him as he carried her to the bedroom, legs wrapped tightly around his waist, lips trailing hot kisses across the line of his jaw.
She'd awoken in the early morning light to find him staring at her, his thumb running over the delicate line of the platinum band, twisting it around her finger. He'd smiled down at her with so much love written on his face that for a moment, one all too brief instant, she could see the entirety of their future reflected in his eyes.
A son for their fourth.
Lucas
Red faced and screaming, the nurse had placed him on her chest, his still slick body sliding over her sweaty skin. Dan brushed the loose hair from her forehead and pressed his cheek to hers as they stared at him in awe. This little life they created.
That night after all their friends and family had come and gone, after his cheeks had been kissed and his tiny back had been patted, they'd curled up in her bed with him, the blue blanket spread open across her raised knees. Lucas slept peacefully while she counted his fingers and toes, ran her palm over the soft roundness of his stomach, traced the lines of his face with the pad of her index finger. Dan had watched as she lifted the baby to her breast for the first time, breath catching audibly when he cupped their son's head in the palm of his hand as he sucked greedily.
Serena's eyes sipped closed as she covered his hand with her own and kissed him on the temple, the moment overwhelming in its perfection.
The papers arrived just before the ninth.
Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.
They signed on a Tuesday.
She rejected his offer for alimony and he gave her the Penthouse.
She never slept in their bed again.
He died two months after what would have been their fifteenth.
Myocardial Infarction.
For her, the day had always remained theirs. The day she got off the plane after reading his second chapter about her. The day they finally became again what he said they were always meant to be.
She sat in the front row at the funeral, their son's sweaty palm pressed tightly to her own as Jenny delivered a tearful eulogy, her pale skin pearled in the low light of the pulpit. Lucas sobbed into her side, his thin shoulders hitching violently. She tried to comfort him, tried to tell him it was okay, that they'd be okay. But he knew she was lying. That she didn't believe the words any more than he did.
From the moment she'd finally admitted her feelings for herself, Serena had known that she would love Dan Humphrey for the rest of her life. It hadn't ended with their marriage. He was indelibly inked onto her heart, her skin. He gave her so much in their time together; peace, love, joy, hope. A son with his father's brown eyes and easy smile. A son who loved his family, his books, and his puppy. A son she hoped would grow up to be even half of the man his father had been.
She tied a red string around his wrist before they closed the casket. She didn't believe in fate or destiny or magic. Didn't believe in soulmates.
But if she did, he would have been hers.