Author: Grasshopper
Email: Woolhat67@aol.com
Disclaimer:I own nothing...they are not mine, nor did I write this
song...it was written by the great John Lennon
Rating: PG-13 Angst!
Spoilers: Futility
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It's So Hard
You gotta live
You gotta love
You gotta be somebody
You gotta shove
But it's so hard, it's really hard Sometimes I feel like going down You gotta eat
You gotta drink
You gotta feel something
You gotta worry
But it's so hard, it's really hard
Sometimes I feel like going down But when it's good
It's really good
And when I hold you in my arms baby
Sometimes I feel like going down You gotta run
You gotta hide
You gotta keep your woman satisfied
But it's so hard, it's really hard
Sometimes I feel like going down
They told me that I didn't understand and that I had no idea what they were going through. The pain...the suffering...little did they know...they were wrong. I understand what they are feeling better than anyone in the unit. Elliot tries to understand but god help him, he has no idea. He tries to understand me. He knows my history and how it has torn me up inside for as long as I can remember but he will never truly know.
Every day is another rape, another victim, more hurt, more dark feelings. They are feelings that I know too well. Everything they have gone through, a part of me fully understands. I lived through it. My mother was constantly tormented by the demons of her attack. It didn't help that every day I was there, a reminder of what was and what could have been. Memories of my childhood haunt me every hour, every minute of every day. Knowing that he is still out there, raping other women, destroying other women's lives, destroying my mother, and trying to destroy me are things sometimes I cannot bare.
Every day is a struggle for me to keep my head above water. I walk a fine line and I try to keep control. As a child, I remember my mother's nightmares and the drinking binges that followed. I learned early on not to run to her when she like that, because she would lose control and hit me. I know she never meant to, it was the alcohol talking. I remember the first time my mother told me about her rape. I was six and I asked her why I didn't have a father and I told her the kids at school made fun of me for not having one. We sat at our kitchen table and she cried. As a teenager, we would fight all the time. I was tired of her drinking and tired of being told I was a rape baby and I was never wanted. I was sixteen and thought it was me against the world. Then there were the many nights I would get phone calls from my mom's favorite bars in Manhattan telling me she was too drunk to drive home and I needed to come get her. All this because a man 36 years ago raped my mother, and me.
I joined SVU because I wanted justice for all the rape victims out there, or at least I told myself that. Deep down, I joined SVU because her demons were attacking me. I often find myself sitting alone in a deep depression starting at a bottle of vodka, fighting myself not to drown my sorrows. Some times, I lose. Sometimes I wish my life would end to stop the hurt but someone always pulls me out of my hole. Elliot. My best friend.
"Hello?"
"Hey Liv, it's Elliot."
"Oh hey..."
"When you left my house, I was worrying about you driving home. Please tell me the truth, are you okay"
There was no point in lying to him. "I wasn't. I was lost in my head. But now since you called, I know I will be okay."
___________________________________________________________________________
It's So Hard
You gotta live
You gotta love
You gotta be somebody
You gotta shove
But it's so hard, it's really hard Sometimes I feel like going down You gotta eat
You gotta drink
You gotta feel something
You gotta worry
But it's so hard, it's really hard
Sometimes I feel like going down But when it's good
It's really good
And when I hold you in my arms baby
Sometimes I feel like going down You gotta run
You gotta hide
You gotta keep your woman satisfied
But it's so hard, it's really hard
Sometimes I feel like going down
They told me that I didn't understand and that I had no idea what they were going through. The pain...the suffering...little did they know...they were wrong. I understand what they are feeling better than anyone in the unit. Elliot tries to understand but god help him, he has no idea. He tries to understand me. He knows my history and how it has torn me up inside for as long as I can remember but he will never truly know.
Every day is another rape, another victim, more hurt, more dark feelings. They are feelings that I know too well. Everything they have gone through, a part of me fully understands. I lived through it. My mother was constantly tormented by the demons of her attack. It didn't help that every day I was there, a reminder of what was and what could have been. Memories of my childhood haunt me every hour, every minute of every day. Knowing that he is still out there, raping other women, destroying other women's lives, destroying my mother, and trying to destroy me are things sometimes I cannot bare.
Every day is a struggle for me to keep my head above water. I walk a fine line and I try to keep control. As a child, I remember my mother's nightmares and the drinking binges that followed. I learned early on not to run to her when she like that, because she would lose control and hit me. I know she never meant to, it was the alcohol talking. I remember the first time my mother told me about her rape. I was six and I asked her why I didn't have a father and I told her the kids at school made fun of me for not having one. We sat at our kitchen table and she cried. As a teenager, we would fight all the time. I was tired of her drinking and tired of being told I was a rape baby and I was never wanted. I was sixteen and thought it was me against the world. Then there were the many nights I would get phone calls from my mom's favorite bars in Manhattan telling me she was too drunk to drive home and I needed to come get her. All this because a man 36 years ago raped my mother, and me.
I joined SVU because I wanted justice for all the rape victims out there, or at least I told myself that. Deep down, I joined SVU because her demons were attacking me. I often find myself sitting alone in a deep depression starting at a bottle of vodka, fighting myself not to drown my sorrows. Some times, I lose. Sometimes I wish my life would end to stop the hurt but someone always pulls me out of my hole. Elliot. My best friend.
"Hello?"
"Hey Liv, it's Elliot."
"Oh hey..."
"When you left my house, I was worrying about you driving home. Please tell me the truth, are you okay"
There was no point in lying to him. "I wasn't. I was lost in my head. But now since you called, I know I will be okay."