Chapter One.
"I don't know who I am, who I am without you"
One.
Breathe.
Two.
Move.
Three.
Keep going.
Four.
Come on.
Five.
Fall.
Damn it.
"All I know is that I should"
I come back here everyday wanting to find a me that is in the past. I Come back here everyday hoping that by some miracle today will be different than the last day, but nothing will change because you cannot go back into the past.
So I sit back down in my chair and I wheel back out of a past life that I took for granted. A past life that I would give almost anything to have back now.
I stop my wheelchair in front of one of the studio windows and watch a beginner class. They are new and raw. They stumble around and are sloppy many have no potential, but I would give anything to be where they are right now.
"And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you"
Everyone told me that I took for granted what I had, but it was so easy back then. I always thought it was just natural talent and it wasn't a big deal. I never expected that when I lost it all, it would feel like something had been ripped from me.
No matter how many doctors we went to they all said the same thing. "There is a small chance that you may be able to walk again, but even if that does happen, you will never be able to dance again." I needed to accept it, but I just can't despite all of the warnings I was given. "If you regain your ability to walk and you try to dance you may damage your back beyond repair and end up in that wheel chair for the rest of your life."
I cried for hours after I got the news. I never thought for a second that it would hurt this much. One minute your number one and set to "have the most promising career this school has ever seen" and the next minute you are looking at a life in a wheel chair with no future ahead of you at all.
"All I know is that I should"
"You ready?" My father asked me as I can out of the building and rolled towards the truck. He tried to stop me from coming. He always did, but he knew that I needed to know it was real and the only way to wake me up from a life with dancing was to realize that I couldn't.
"Yeah." I muttered, standing up from the wheel chair and slowly manuevered to sit in the truck. I should be greatful that I can do that, but I'm not.
Charlie folded up my chair and put it in the back before sitting down in the drivers seat and driving off.
"'Cus she will love you more than I could"
"It's really healing quite nicely." the doctor commented. "We are going to put you into a back brace to stabalize the area while you continue to heal so you can walk around and prefore simple tasks." He coninued to talk and discuss things with my father that I already knew, but all I could think about was that on my first day in a public school I was going to be in a back brace. What away to attract people to become friends with you.
"So make sure to still take it easy these next few months. I know you are already feeling a lot better, but I don't want you to strain yourself. You may never be able to walk like you could before the accident." The doctor repeated the same thing he told me at every appointment at least three time an appointment.
"I understand." I reassured him, although I would probably still push it. If I couldn't dance then what was the point of walking.
"She who dares to stand where I stood."
One.
Open the door.
Two.
Avoid eye contact.
Three.
Keep your head down.
Four.
Breathe.
"Hi I'm Mike." Some kid whose brown wavy hair made me think of a puppy I once had was standing in front of me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see some girls standing by their lockers and one was pointing at me making some sort of comment. I didn't know what to say now. I'd never been good at talking to people. I'd never been good at anything but dancing.
Damn public schools.
"Hi." I said before quickly manuevering my way around him. The speed made my back hurt, but I didn't slow down. Instead I just walked directly into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall.
"I don't know who I am, who I am without you."