Scorn to Change my State

Kurt would say he was lucky, but that would be an understatement. Not only did he have a boyfriend, something he would have thought impossible a mere month ago, but his boyfriend was perfection. Gorgeous, talented, sweet, loving, the list went on forever. And Kurt still hadn't managed to figure out how he did it or what he did to deserve him. But here he was lying side by side with Blaine on his tiny twin sized bed watching yet another Disney movie in the Dalton dorm rooms.

Kurt had never found it this easy to talk to anyone, not even Mercedes. Even the tiniest problems in Kurt's life would have Blaine worried and he'd do anything he could to fix things. The first few weeks at Dalton he had been in Blaine's room every night talking about how much he missed New Directions and how hard this must be on his father. Blaine was always there for him, but recently he had even gotten Blaine to start opening up. Kurt realized pretty early on in their friendship that Blaine was much more private than he was. But finally Kurt felt like they were on equal footing rather than feeling like Blaine was his mentor or something.

But despite all their talks there was one thing that never seemed to come up in conversation. And that one thing had been bothering Kurt for a while. It had been in the back of his head the entire movie and he was determined to bring it up.

"So," Kurt said decidedly rolling on his side to look at Blaine.

"So?" Blaine asked turning his head towards Kurt.

"Have you had a lot of boyfriends before me?" Kurt asked looking at Blaine, the credits of Aladdin rolling. He could have eased into it but what was Kurt if not blunt?

Blaine laughed turning his head towards Kurt. He was still on his stomach his chin resting on his hands gazing up at Kurt who found it entirely too adorable. "Aren't you supposed to wait a few more dates before you ask those kind of questions? We've only been dating for what, two weeks now? " he asked smiling.

Kurt chuckled. "We've only been dating for a couple weeks but we've been friends for a lot longer. So think of me asking as a friend not a friend," he emphasized the last word lifting his eyebrows. "After all you know about everyone in my past, it's only fair," Kurt said smiling at him, "Of course I'm hoping your stories are a little less disastrous and more fun to listen to."

Blaine laughed again, but softer this time. He didn't make eye contact with Kurt and instead rolled onto his back staring at the ceiling. "Not really fun to listen to I'm afraid..." he said quietly, stalling saying anything else.

Kurt felt Blaine's attitude shift rapidly. This obviously wasn't something he wanted to talk about. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me," Kurt said not sure what to make of the silence.

Blaine smiled just a little, "No, don't be sorry. You must be curious." Kurt felt mildly relieved but another long silence followed this, and when he spoke again it was softer, "There was... just one..." He just lay there for a moment debating whether or not to tell him. The silence was awkward but Kurt waited for Blaine to break it. Finally he said, "It's a long story, are you sure you want to sit through it?" he asked.

"Of course," Kurt said and then added as an afterthought, "But only if you want to tell me," but of course, now he had to know.

Blaine thought about that for a moment, "The truth is, I've never told anyone this."

Kurt's curiosity was growing by the second, "Not even Wes? Or David?"

Blaine just shook his head, "No one."

"Wow."

Blaine laughed, "Still want to hear it?"

"Yeah, I mean. If you want me to know," he said.

Blaine nodded. Kurt waited, not sure if he was going to hear the story after all. But after a painfully long silence Blaine said, "His name was Will. Will Darlington." Kurt could already hear the meaning in his voice and ignored that tiny twinge of jealousy.

"How did you meet him?"

"Camp, the summer before 8th grade," he said.

Kurt laughed, "You seem like a camping kind of kid."

Blaine smiled, "I really was. I loved that sort of thing when I was younger. It was one of those really outdoorsy camps with hiking and swimming in the lake and that sort of thing. We shared a cabin the entire summer. Our moms were friends back home and they planned it I think," he said.

"Just the two of you?" asked Kurt.

"Yeah, just the two of us," said Blaine. "Looking back on it was so weirdly mature for two 14 year old kids."

"You dated that summer?" asked Kurt a little shocked. He hadn't even been sure of his sexuality that early on and he certainly wasn't confident enough with it to even attempt a relationship at that age.

"Yeah. I mean, if you could call it dating," Blaine admitted.

Kurt let that sink in for a moment. "How did it start?"

Blaine laughed, "I don't really know. I mean I remember when it actually started but there was something building between us before that. I didn't notice it of course because I had no idea I was gay but looking back our friendship was always a little different."

"You didn't know you were gay?" Kurt asked. Blaine shook his head, all the time staring at the ceiling, "How did you figure it out?"

Blaine shrugged, "He kissed me."

A beat.

"He just... kissed you?"

Blaine chuckled, "Yeah. And I guess I just realized in that moment that I had feelings for him, and then it hit me the next day that that meant I was gay. And it was so weird, most people talk about this huge revelation and how everything was different afterwards. But it just wasn't like that for me, I was more focused on him then it. Do you know what I mean?"

Kurt nodded.

"Because I didn't change, it was just that we had changed. It wasn't like I suddenly became gay, it was just that I was more aware of it. Later he would tell me that he had known he was gay for years," Blaine said.

"Years? Wow..." Kurt said under his breath. "So you weren't dating though?"

Kurt half shrugged, "I mean, we were together, but in secret of course. It was sort of unspoken between us that we couldn't tell anyone. I think the counselors would have started getting a little uneasy if they knew that we were together and sharing a room. I mean we slept in the same bed every night," he said.

"The same bed?" Kurt asked, really shocked this time.

Blaine's eyes shifted to Kurt's guiltily, "Yeah, I know. Just one night he came into my bed and we fell asleep like that. And we just... did it every night after that. We didn't know any better. We were so young."

"You don't mean you were..." Kurt didn't finish the sentence.

It took Blaine a moment to realize what he meant, "Oh! No no no! Of course not! We were barely out of middle school!" he said sitting up now putting his hands up in defense. "But... I mean we... kissed. A lot actually," and Kurt could see him remembering it. His face softened at his own words as he continued, speaking slowly, "During the day we were together all the time doing camp stuff. Swimming, rock climbing, archery and all that. We had other friends in the beginning but they just sort of slipped off one by one," his voice was getting softer, "until it was just us. And then at night when we were alone, we'd just... kiss," he said. Kurt couldn't ignore how wistful he sounded. Kurt wondered with a pang whether Blaine had gotten over him at all.

"Was he handsome?" Kurt asked regretting the question the moment it was out of his mouth. Stupid question.

Blaine finally looked at him a smile on his face now, "He was cute yeah. Really cute back then. When he grew into his looks though he was... gorgeous."

Kurt smiled although he suddenly felt far more self-conscious then he had before. Blaine didn't notice though.

"And then camp ended. And the last day when we were packing to go back home he told me he loved me," Blaine said his eyes unfocused, caught up in the memory. Blaine didn't show any signs of continuing his story as he stared, unseeing at the wall to Kurt's left, his eyes soft.

Kurt was beginning to regret asking for this story. "How romantic," Kurt said sincerely waking Blaine up from his memory and he smiled wryly. Kurt was starting to feel inadequate. But there was one nagging question he had to ask, "But I don't get it Blaine, why haven't you told anyone about this?"

Blaine laughed darkly, "This is only the very beginning of the story Kurt," and his voice bitter.

Kurt was getting nervous but waited in silence for Blaine to continue.

"So we started High School together," he said. "It wasn't as easy as it had been at camp. We had to fight to find time alone and we had our parents to worry about then. Of course to anyone it would have looked like we were just best friends. Although sometimes I think that his father knew... just the way he looked at me sometimes, like he was accusing me of something," he said.

"But things started getting harder. I joined Glee Club and he joined the lacrosse team. We were both busy and we saw less and less of each other," he said. "We didn't have any friends in common and it started getting almost impossible to see each other. But neither of us felt any differently," he said, "We saw each other less but we still loved each other, I could just... I could just tell, you know?" he said looking up to Kurt for confirmation.

Kurt nodded silently.

"Freshman year went by pretty quickly. We had promised to go to camp together again that summer, we had been looking forward to it for months. Every time our plans fell through he would just say, 'Just wait till the summer and it'll all be right again.' It was like our mantra," Blaine said. "But then he got recruited for this development camp in california. He was really talented, he was always more athletic than me at camp and he had been on the varsity lacrosse team since he was an 8th grader. I pretended I wasn't upset because I knew how badly he wanted to make first string the next year. So I gave him my blessing I guess and he left a week into the summer," Blaine said his voice a little sadder than it had been.

Kurt knew the story was about to take a turn for the worse but he didn't rush Blaine. He saw the pain in his eyes as he continued, "He said goodbye to me the morning he left. He made his father drive him over on his way to camp and he kissed me and told me he loved me." Blaine sighed heavily, "I would have never guessed that that was the last time he'd do that until..." he stopped here, his mouth slightly open, staring at the quilt with his eyebrows furrowed. "Well...anyways... he left," he said.

"In the beginning we talked a few times a week. He was having a great time of course, meeting new people and coaches from across the country. But after a while he stopped answering my calls and texts. I convinced myself that I was just paranoid but I knew something was seriously wrong when he came home for a weekend in the middle of the summer," he said.

"His mom had told my mom so I texted him asking when we could meet. His responses weren't very encouraging but he agreed to meet at my house that saturday night to hang out. I, of course, was so excited to see him. When he first walked in I gave him a huge hug which he didn't really return," he said smiling sadly.

"I should have seen what was coming but I was forcing myself to carry on like always," he said. "I was only a little confused at that point. So he came inside but wouldn't go anywhere with me alone.

"My mom was in the kitchen baking and he sat himself down at the kitchen counter and he stayed there," he said, "just making small talk with my mom and asking me how my summer was going. I kept on asking him to come upstairs and so I could actually talk to him, so I could actually kiss him but he kept avoiding it. After a half-hour of that nonsense he told me that he was going to get picked up any minute. And I guess it just hit me," he said his face blank.

"I realized that he was leaving me right there. I don't know how I knew. He didn't make it very clear but I knew for certain in that moment that he was ending whatever it was that we had had," his voice was calm, even.

"I was so pathetic, as he was walking out the door I grabbed his hand asking him if he would please come upstairs with me. He pulled his hand out of mine said it was good to see me and walked out of the house. He jumped into the car of some upperclassman I vaguely recognized as another lacrosse player," Blaine said.

"The only thing I remember of that night," Blaine started again, "was climbing up the stairs and collapsing in my bed. I didn't cry, I probably should have, I just slept. I slept until the next night and woke up to see a lot of cold food left by my mother presumably and a terrible empty feeling in my chest," he said staring at his hands in his lap.

Kurt swallowed the lump in his throat and grabbed one of Blaine's hands. Blaine looked up and smiled, his eyes shining just barely. "Thanks," he laughed, "But it's not over yet."

"You don't have to tell me anymore if you don't want," Kurt said.

Blaine looked like he was seriously considering stopping. But then he shook his head, "I think I want to finish it actually... if that's alright with you?"

"Of course it is!" Kurt said although he was secretly dreading where this story was going.

"So I tried to call him a few days after, once he had gotten back to camp. It went to straight to voicemail. Ten minutes later I got a text message from him that told me to please stop calling him. So I didn't try a single time after that. And as the summer went on I thought I'd be able to get over it. He was my first love and it wasn't like I should have any regrets. I was glad that he helped me realize who I was and I was grateful to him for that," he paused for a moment, "I still am," he said so quietly Kurt barely heard it.

"We started our sophomore year and he wouldn't even look at me. He wandered around flanked by older lacrosse boys all the time. He was a prodigy after all and they all but worshipped him," he said.

"I don't know what it was about his lack of acknowledgement that made me want to come out but all of a sudden... I just had to. Maybe I just desperately hoped it would get his attention, maybe I was subconsciously praying for him to come out with me. I don't know what I wanted but I made up my mind one day after Glee club. It was terrifying really," he said. Kurt nodded sadly, it had been the hardest thing he'd ever done telling his father he was gay. Blaine continued, "But I had friends and a supportive family. I came out to my parents that Thanksgiving and the next week at school I told the Glee club.

"After that it spread through the school like wildfire of course, everyone was talking about it. There were some negative reactions at first but I didn't realize that it was about to get so much worse," Blaine said. Kurt could feel the anger and fear building already and he hadn't even heard what happened yet.

"One day I was walking from the fields after Gym class when someone grabbed me from behind and dragged me under the bleachers. It was where the Lacrosse team went when they were skipping class," he said his voice draining of all emotion.

Kurt had a feeling he knew where this was going. He'd been in plenty of similar situations before.

"I remember being thrown to the ground as the one who had taken me there, John, said something about me being a faggot," Blaine said. He remembered what he said perfectly of course, those words were burned in his brain. It had been the first time he'd been called a fag, but certainly not the last.

'Look what I found, our newest little faggot fresh for the picking'

Everyone had laughed.

When he spoke again the emotion he had been trying so hard to keep at bay began creeping back into his voice, "And he was there. John kicked me to the ground right in front of him. He was just staring down at me while his followers laughed," his voice was softer now, "And even though I knew his face so well I couldn't read it. I can still remember it so vividly but I still can't tell what he was thinking."

Kurt reached over and took both of his hands. Almost afraid to ask, he said, "Did he do anything?"

Blaine didn't look up, just stared at their intertwined hands rubbing patterns in Kurt's palms with his thumbs. Rather than answering the question he continued, "I just stared up at him willing him to help me without saying anything. And then John kicked me and I fell at his feet."

He remembered the pain in his back as he fell face first on the ground. He remembered the gravel digging into his cheeks as john pressed his boot into his face pushing it into the dirt. He could still see Will's face perfectly though, there was something there. Only Blaine saw it. Maybe it was fear, concern, love, who knows.

Blaine continued, "I wanted to scream at him, beg him to help me, but I didn't want to give anything away," his laugh was so bitter this time it made Kurt's chest ache. No one should have to go through this. "Even as he stood there and watched it all happen I wanted to protect him," he said.

He pulled his hands away from Kurt's. Leaning back on his hands behind him he avoided Kurt's gaze and continued his voice and face blank, "John offered a free hit to everyone and they all took up the offer, and then some," Blaine said his voice dead leaving out anymore description than that. "When they left I blacked out from the pain and someone found me and called an ambulance."

The silence that followed this statement was painful. Kurt was glad Blaine wasn't looking at him because he thought that if he had to look in those eyes at the moment he'd burst into to tears. He was horrified, his mouth was open just slightly staring at Blaine in shock. "He didn't... Will didn't..."

"I don't know," Blaine said his voice harsh, not needing Kurt to finish his sentence. "I was barely conscious and I could barely see anything. I don't know if he helped."

He was silent for a very long time. "I mean," his voice cracked and Kurt wanted to die. Kurt saw his resolve crumbling, "I like to think he didn't..." he said so softly Kurt barely heard him. This time the tears in his eyes were unmistakeable.

Kurt moved closer to him, fighting back his own tears, and put an arm around him murmuring, "I'm so sorry Blaine." Kurt kissed him softly on the cheek. Blaine gave in for a moment and leaned into Kurt's body, his shoulders shaking, breathing deep fighting back the threatening tears. They stayed like that for a moment, Blaine mustering up the courage to tell him the rest of the story while Kurt prayed it was the end.

"He-" his voice cut off for a moment and Kurt squeezed his shoulder encouragingly, "He started calling me faggot less than a month after that happened."

Kurt's eyes widened in rage and shock, "What!" Blaine just nodded his head wiping his nose. Kurt was so disconcerted seeing his knight in shining armor falling apart like this. He had no idea his past had been this painful.

"What's so pathetic is that, I was almost happy for him sometimes. I'd see him in school with his girlfriends and lacrosse stick. The team was amazing that year, they won States. I just remember thinking, at least he's happy. It was so degrading but I took the slurs thrown at me thinking that I'd make that sacrifice to keep him happy," he said regaining his voice.

Blaine pulled away from Kurt again. "But there were other times when I just... hated him. More than anything. I would see him and want to bash his head into a locker or spit in his face," he said almost viciously. He realized the look of shock and uncertainty on Kurt's face at these harsh words and he took a deep breath, calming himself.

"Can I tell you something awful?" he asked Kurt. Kurt nodded mutely.

"There was one day when I was walking to the bathroom in the halls and he was walking in my direction. We were the only two people in the hallway. I refused to turn away and just assumed he would. When he didn't say anything or even look at me I shouted back asking why I..." he was struggling to bring himself to say it, "why I didn't get a hello from my favorite fag-shag."

He turned his guilty eyes up to see Kurt's reaction. "I know. It's awfu-" but he was cut off when Kurt put his finger to his lips.

"Don't tell me you're going to feel guilty about calling him that once when he called you that however many times. You didn't even mean it, you were just making a point," Kurt said sternly.

Blaine smiled sadly and Kurt cupped his cheek before kissing him sweetly. "I don't deserve you Kurt," he said.

"No, you deserve much better," Kurt said trying to smile at him, but finding it difficult with other images running through his mind.

"Impossible," Blaine said smiling back at him.

Kurt pulled him into a hug. Blaine sank into his body completely, his head in the crook of Kurt's neck.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"There's one last part..." he said.

"Go ahead," Kurt said adjusting him so that Blaine was leaning against him his back against Kurt's chest. Blaine pulled Kurt's arms around him and leaned into him.

"One night," his voice was so hesitant now, "after the end of the year party at the High School.. I was the last person in the parking lot cause I had volunteered or something, I don't remember." Kurt could hear the shift in his voice, more uncertain than before. "I was sitting in my car looking for a cd with the windows rolled down and all of a sudden... he was there at the window. He scared the crap out of me. I remember so vividly the way he said my name, quietly, like he used to. It was the first time I'd heard him say my name in over a year," his voice was thick with emotion and it broke Kurt's heart to hear the longing in his voice.

"He asked if he could have a ride home," his voice was so soft now Kurt didn't know what to expect. "I was dumb-struck. He hadn't said a single civil word to me since that day over the summer. But I didn't know what to do other than agree to take him home. We drove the whole way back in silence. I wanted to say something, find some perfect way to tell him what an awful person he was. How he had broken my heart and ruined my life. But for some reason I couldn't be angry with him that night. I don't know if I was relieved or furious with myself for not saying something when we finally pulled into his driveway," he said.

"He asked me to walk him to his door. Still shocked I agreed and walked next to him, standing closer than we had stood since... well since before everything changed," he said quietly. "We reached the stoop... and he kissed me..." he said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"I remember responding at first and then realizing what was happening. I tried to push him away but he held onto me," Blaine said.

Kurt's hold tightened across Blaine's chest.

"Not in a violent way," he said backtracking, "it was more... desperate. And after months of watching his friends hit me, after hearing him call me faggot countless times, I just gave in. I don't remember when he got his keys out or anything but he got us into the house and then began kissing me again. I don't know why his parents weren't home but we found our way to his bedroom," he said quietly.

"I lost my virginity that night," he said finally.

Kurt didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He just held Blaine close and kissed his hair.

"For that one night I was so so happy," the pain in his voice was unbearably sad. "He kept on-" he stopped, his shoulders starting to shake.

"Shh... It's alright Blaine," he whispered in his ear.

Blaine paused for a moment before he managed to say, "He kept saying he st-" he swallowed, "He said he still loved me. He said he always had." Kurt could hear him trying desperately to keep his tone light but the tears that Kurt felt fall onto his arm weren't his own.

"And I uhm," he swallowed, "I got a text message from him the next day saying to... to never touch him again. And I-" his voice cracked and he tried to cough to cover it up, "I transferred to Dalton that Fall."

Blaine's body began shaking just slightly in Kurt's arms as he gave in to the tears and Kurt wasn't surprised to find himself crying. For the longest time Kurt just held him while Blaine cried. Kurt couldn't begin to imagine the pain that Blaine must have been through... the pain he was still going through.

How had it never occurred to Kurt that maybe Blaine had had a painful past too? Kurt imagined what it would be like if someone he had loved, if Blaine even, turned on him like that. He would take 100 kisses from Karofsky before he would have Blaine call him a faggot.

A few minutes later Blaine's breathing started to slow Kurt hugged him tighter, whispering in his ear, "I'm so, so sorry Blaine." Blaine nodded his head shakily and Kurt kissed him lightly behind the ear.

Kurt pulled away from Blaine, "Blaine?"

He didn't say anything.

"Will you look at me Blaine?" he asked.

He turned around but didn't look up at him, instead he stared at the comforter a few stray tears still clinging to his cheeks. Kurt stroked his cheek catching a few of them. "Blaine?"

Blaine finally looked up at, tears still clinging to his eyelashes. Kurt spoke gently, "You are the most incredible person I know," he said. Blaine's frown lessened just barely. "I can't imagine a person who could possibly know what it is to love you and then give that feeling up, because it's the most amazing feeling in the world."

Blaine's eyes widened as he tried to work out what Kurt had really just said but Kurt, blushing, continued anyways. "I wish so badly I could change things, I wish I could go back and slap some sense into him," Blaine gave a shaky laugh at that, "or keep you away from him in the first place. I wish so badly I could."

Blaine shook his head, smiling to himself. "Kurt," he began. His voice was raw from crying and he was speaking quietly. "First of all," he leaned in and kissed Kurt on the cheek, "Thank you. Thank you so much Kurt, you're amazing. I feel so much better having told someone that finally and I'm so glad it was you. Second of all," he squeezed Kurt's hands, "Don't go back and change things. Because if it hadn't happened... well I wouldn't have transferred here and then I wouldn't have been able to help you or... or be with you," his cheeks burned as he said the last part and he didn't look at Kurt as he said the last part.

Then he shook his head and laughed at himself. He peaked up at Kurt who was smiling at him. Blaine leaned over and caught his lips in a kiss. Blaine felt Kurt's hand on his chest as he deepened it for a moment. Then Blaine pulled away, "And third of all," he held Kurt's gaze, "Can I ask you question?"

Kurt nodded his hand still on Blaine's chest. Blaine held his hand there placing his own on top of it.

"Is it too early to say I love you?"

Kurt's eyes widened for a moment while the words sunk in. Then he felt the smile growing on his face and saw it mirrored on the beautiful boy inches away from him.

Kurt shook his head with a laugh.

Blaine beamed, "Good. Because I love you Kurt."

The way he said it was so simple, like he couldn't be more sure of anything in the world.

Kurt's eyes were swimming as he gazed back at Blaine, perfect, handsome, loving Blaine. "I love you too Blaine."

They both leaned in, their lips meeting in the middle. Kurt couldn't have imagined a more perfect moment.

a/n: First Glee Fic!

Gotta give credit where credits due. Title is from a Shakespeare sonnet (29 if you're interested), I just thought it fit in well with something Blaine said at the end of the fic. Also Glee is entirely mine. Wrote it, produced it, I even play all the parts! What can I say, I'm very talented. (Jokes, obviously. If I owned Glee it would be Darren Criss singing Harry Potter the Musical songs for an hour every tuesday)

So this was just a little bit of Blurt running through my head for a while that I finally got around to writing. Sorry this wasn't very well edited, I was sort of impatient to get it up (feel free to tell me about any typos in reviews, I'll fix them I promise!). I had originally been planning on making this a multi-chaptered fic going back to the original summer camp going through to Kurt butttt I don't finish my stories, so I thought a oneshot was a safer bet.

Hope you liked it!

Liz