Please, please, please listen to this song - Some Fantastic Place by Squeeze. It makes me think very much of Rich and Grace, and is the only reason this unworthy one-shot exists. I've always loved it but hearing it again the other day triggered this little idea.
x
She gave to me her tenderness
Her friendship and her love
x
"Why have you still got your clothes on, Rich?"
He had known something was wrong. Yes, it had been beautiful, but each kiss felt like it was stolen. He slid his hands over her skin, and it was as soft as the mattress beneath her. He clasped her hand, and it was like air rushing between his fingers. He closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them it was a slow moment before he saw her again. She was not like herself.
If he had stopped to think about it, he would have realised that it could not have been real. That's what he told himself, anyway. But maybe he just wasn't as clever as he had thought he was.
"I love you, Gracie," he had told her again and again; not urgently, not the love that everyone feels with a beautiful person in their arms, warm skin, soft gasps. He told her because it was the truth and he felt suddenly as if if he did not tell her now, she would never know. He felt as if he would never have another chance to tell her. As if it was vital she know, right at this moment. She didn't say "I love you too." She never had. She wasn't the type. Her declarations of love were often, but on her own terms... Now there were none. Her eyes and lips were closed. She was so passive, he was scared, although he didn't know what of.
It was over and as soon as the culmination was over - that final wave of ecstasy - he was filled with a sense of loss. That scared him, too. "Stay here," he told her, and she nodded sleepily. Her hair should have brushed at his neck as she did so, but it didn't. She was hardly there. What if she's lying to me? What if she leaves as soon as I'm asleep? The sheer irrationality of those thoughts should have told him that this whole situation was irrational. That it was not real at all. "Gracie, I'm serious, I need you to stay." She giggled airily.
"Ooh, it's the serious voice. I know I'm in trouble now." He half-grinned. It was such a Grace thing to say. Grace voice, Grace tone, Grace smile. She's here. She's really here. She woke up, and she came home, and everything's better now.
But it wasn't and she hadn't and she didn't, and he knew, and maybe if he had let himself know - maybe it wouldn't have been such a blow when finally, inevitably, she was gone. He went to sleep as if he was going to sleep in her arms, but at the moment when he let himself slip into unconsciousness, he knew, he knew that she was no longer there - had never been there. No faint imprint left on the pillow. Only the idea of a memory.
x
I see her face from time to time
There in the sky above
x
Even after that night, even after the terrible, terrible news he had been given that morning, he still saw her. Not just in full - not just the dreams that happened when he was lost enough to let himself submerge in a pretence of happiness - but in part, every single waking moment... as well as every single sleeping one. Late one night, walking home from an evening rehearsal, he spotted an owl swooping low above the houses. It stopped to perch, fixed him with its gaze. Squinting up at it he almost thought there was a touch of Grace in those golden-black eyes, a trace of passive humour, the imprint of affection.
Her shadow followed him too. It held his hand when he was scared.
He still called her, because there wasn't much else to do. It was a long time before he went back to school and in those stretching, difficult days, he spent his time holed up in his bed, phone pressed tight to his ear and the strains of classical music ricocheting around the room. It wasn't that he particularly liked the genre; in all honesty it bored him, but he'd been given to collecting it since... since...
Rich was scared of the word. Every time he thought he was close to admitting it, saying it, he would see her again, her smile formed out of clouds, a ray of sunshine like a signal from her, telling him she was alive, if only in his memory. Every turn he made, every step he took, she was there, gazing at him from an alleyway, her hand brushing against his. In the hustle and bustle of school it would be all too easy to lose her, for her to slip away in the crowds. And although she tormented him, it was better than nothing. It was better than no Grace at all.
"Gracie?" he'd say, when it had been too long, when she had eluded him, teased him with her absence, for longer than he could bear. "Gracie, come back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't... save you. I'm sorry. I couldn't. I'm sorry."
She had always been so beautiful, and he thought she would make a perfect angel. That didn't mean that's what he wanted.
He wanted her here. Now. Back. With him. And he was beginning to worry about how much longer he could wait.
x
We grew up learning as we went
What a voyage our lives could be
x
His mum said he was being silly, that this was just a teenager thing. That wasn't true. Rich knew what 'teenager things' were. They were the not-so-subtle looks that had been passing between Alo and Mini for days before they started fucking; the glances, the teasing. But then, even that had become even more by now. Rich knew because he knew Alo and he knew what it meant when he got that look in his eyes. People underestimated teenagers.
Still, with the awful reality of what had happened, he was getting sympathy, which was not in any way enough, but which was nice. Tea and toast in bed. It meant he could face not getting up for a little longer. Because waking up every morning imbued him with a terrible sense of guilt... I can get out of bed now. I can go see Alo, I can listen to my music, I can do my revision.
Grace can't.
Talking of Alo, his 'teenager thing' was becoming ever more... captivating. Although Alo was the only one of the group who he regularly saw - he knew that at the moment, being with him felt too much like a sickbed visit for most people - that was enough to know that things were fast becoming as stupidly, hormonally out of control as they had last year. Can't they just be simple? Can't they just love each other, just be glad to have each other, for once? That's what we did. That's what me and Gracie did. And we were happy, we were happy enough for the time we had. Which wasn't much.
Still, he was happy to see in Alo's eyes that he and Mini were coming close to that. Coming close to something that could be sweet, and simple, and happy. Alo and Mini. Who'd have fucking thought, isn't it? Although he and Grace had taught Rich well enough that opposites definitely did attract.
The hallucinations were still there, but they became less common, less vivid. Now and again he'd see a girl across the street and want to run to her, but he was learning, he was learning. In the night-times she came to him, but that was beautiful. That didn't need to end and Rich hoped it never would, even if it meant that he could never love anyone else, never be with anyone else. It wasn't like he wanted anyone but Grace, anyway.
x
It took us through a wilderness
Into the calmest sea
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Calm. Calm. Calm.
Rich tried to be calm. He had very nearly found that place, sometimes, he thought.
When he went back to school he began to actually enjoy his revision. It was somewhere he could go. Grace still talked to him, of course, but he was beginning to feel like her time was drawing near to its close. That she would be going soon. Going... somewhere else.
It wasn't heaven, and of course, it wasn't hell. She wouldn't tell him where. She wasn't answering his questions.
x
Her smile could lift me from the pain
I often found within
x
Memories are important, said the grief counsellor, but what is more important is making new memories. One day you will see this girl again, but you cannot keep pretending she is still here. She is not.
She was. The grief counsellor didn't know anything - anything about Rich, anything about Grace, anything about them. He thought sometimes whether if there had been a way that Grace could have lived. Maybe if they had married that day, they'd have had to let him in to her hospital room, or not let her go to Switzerland or wherever the fuck, and... ?
No point living on possibilities, the grief counsellor said. Rich was beginning to agree with that one.
x
She said some thing I won't forget
She made a few bells ring
x
Rich came very, very close to betraying her that day.
It was bad. Rich was bad. He was angry at himself. He knew Grace didn't mind, would never mind, but he minded. He resolved not to get drunk like that again. Not to take chances. No-one but her. No-one but her. No-one but her.
No-one but her, forever.
Alo said it wasn't fair to himself to restrict himself all his life, but Rich knew otherwise. Even if he never actually had sex again - and maybe he would, in time, in time, he didn't know, but for now, for the foreseeable future, it was a definite no - weren't there other ways of being happy? Of finding love? He was closer to Liv these days and that was good. Alo was good, too. Everyone was good. Having friends was good.
"Love you, Gracie," he told her one sleepy night. She was lying across from him, shimmering slightly, and then - just like that - she disappeared. Without him even having to close his eyes. Each time she was less real. Soon she would be gone, and Rich was just beginning to come to terms with that.
But at that point it made him sad, and so the next night he agreed to go out with Alo. A girl made eye contact with him across the bar; he didn't notice at first but Alo pointed it out. He laughed, felt nervous, drank some more. By the end of the night he was thoroughly pissed and just about ready to make eye contact back... She approached him, smiling slightly, and held out her hand. No words. Just a dance, said her eyes, shall we dance?
He looked at her hand for a long time. Shall we dance, shall we dance?
Finally he took it. They danced, he enjoyed himself. Alo watched with a self-satisfied smirk that really didn't suit him. The song finished, another started. A girl across the room turned, he saw a flash of dark eyes and suddenly -
Just as he realised how much he shouldn't be here, the girl went to kiss him. She was pretty; fine hazel hair and massive green eyes. He didn't want that though. He didn't want that. So he pushed her away from him, ignored her started look, ran. He didn't want to look back at Alo, or the girl. The girl who's a good dancer and a good smiler and pretty and well-intentioned and who doesn't deserve to cop off with a complete stranger who still hasn't got over his dead fucking girlfriend.
That was it.
That was the first time Rich thought dead.
Fuck, it hurt.
x
So simple her humility
Her beauty found in grace
x
Liv had told him about the baby, he had known even before Alo. It had been a good thing. A good thing to think about. To take his mind off the things that... weren't so good. And he was glad now, glad that something good was happening. Even if it was scary and strange for Mini and Alo, it was good. Rich was sure of that.
When she was born, he was one of the first to hold her. Her name was Grace, of course, and she was pretty. Delicate features, wisps of pale hair. Rich cried again for the first time in a long time, and he realised now that he loved her, this baby, without even knowing her. The future seemed easy and simple now. Grace was gone, but he would see her again one day, and for now he had these people. His friends. And of course, their child. He decided right then and there that he would be the best honorary uncle any child ever idolised.
Liv told him not to cry, Alo looked slightly worried, but Mini understood. She moved closer to him, touched his hand.
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
He nodded.
"Rich?"
He looked at her. There was dampness at her eyes, too.
"This is going to be enough."
x
Today she lives another life
In some fantastic place
x
So, yeah, I know that Gen 3 isn't everyone's favourite. Well, it's not my favourite either. None of them are my favourites. I understand that it wasn't really as well-written, that people missed Effy, etc, etc. Still, I think it was a good piece of telly with good characters (until they tried to turn Franky into Effy. That didn't work) and I really enjoyed watching it. Rich and Grace are two of my favourite Skins characters ever... and so I'm going to write fanfiction about them. Fair dos? :)