A/N: READ ME READ ME READ ME! If you've never played Cards Against Humanity before, then you need to know it is very, very crude. It is a game I love playing, and I had such a great time imagining what all the crew would say and do while they were playing. But if crude humour offends you, then I would suggest you probably shouldn't read. Also, seeing as the age restriction on the game is 17 and up, I am advising that everyone who is under that keep it as a 17th birthday present.
Obviously, this is going to contain language, adult themes, sexual references and probably a lot more (although I tried to keep the story from dragging).
Depending on how inspired I am, I may or may not do a sequel. This is set during Season 4. I own none of the responses on the cards. They are a mixture of all of the cards I own at home so are from various expansions including the Crabs Adjust Humidity series. All rights are to McElroy, Channel 9, Cards Against Humanity and Crabs Adjust Humidity. Yeah... I really have no excuse for this... mess...
Oh, the Humanity!
"Why am I not surprised you own these?" Kate rolls her eyes as she leans forward and snatches the empty black box from in front of 2Dads, well-practiced eyes already skimming the front of it. "A party game for horrible people?"
"X, trust me." 2Dads smiles widely. "It's awesome." He begins to shovel the decks of cards; not just one but... seven different piles of white cards and spreads them out at intervals down the table. "You playing?"
Kate turns to look at the crew sitting around Mike's dining room table, clearly not equipped to host so many people. Bird was sitting on an esky, several phone books underneath her so she was at least somewhere near an acceptable height. Bomber was next to her on an outdoor chair bouncing up and down like a kid at Christmas, so full of eager anticipation at the game 2Dads had been insisting for months was the essential addition to their shore-leave barbecues.
Swain was watching with interest, seated with Charge and Dutchy, who had managed to snag three of the four dining chairs. Mike was seated on the fourth at the head of the table, looking just as wary as Kate, although nowhere near as reluctant as RO, who was perched on the stiffest, wireframed barstool.
"Fine." Kate concedes, tipping her head as 2Dads' face splits into the widest grin she's ever seen. He begins rapidly dealing out stacks of white cards to each of the players and Kate, upon recieving her hand, pulls it closer to her. Across the table, Charge lets out the loudest, most booming bark of laughter Kate has ever heard, eyes fixed on the cards in front of him. Not a good sign, Kate thinks. What have I gotten myself into? Not quite brave enough yet to look at her cards, Kate pulls her glass of wine closer and takes a large gulp.
"Boss!" 2Dads taps a hand against the table to get Mike's attention. "Wake up. Eyes off your phone. We're about to play."
Mike pockets his mobile and turns to look at 2Dads. "I was trying to find some instructions." He murmurs. "Trying to figure out what I've gotten myself into." He eyes Charge in particular, who's still laughing over his card. "This... isn't going to involve streaking or anything, is it? Because I've got kids living next door." He jabs a thumb anxiously in the direction of the fence.
"No." 2Dads' smile widens. "And I'm about to read out the rules." He drags the box towards him and fishes out a white piece of cardstock on it. "Basic rules." He begins. "To start the game, each player draws ten White Cards. The person who most recently pooed begins as-"
"I'm sorry." Mike interjects. "The what?!"
"The person who most recently pooed begins as the Card Tsar and plays a Black Card." He waves a hand at the pile of Black Cards in the middle of the table. " The Card Tsar reads the question or fill-in-the-blank phrase on the Black Card out loud." He looks around to see if everyone is following him, but everyone still seems to be taken aback by the mention of poo in the second line of instruction. "Everyone else answers the question or fills in the blank my passing one White Card, face down, to the Card Tsar. The Card Tsar shuffles all the answers and shares each card combination with the group. For full effect, the Card Tsar should usually re-read the Black Card before presenting each answer. The Card Tsar then picks the funniest play, and whoever submitted it gets one Awesome Point. After the round, a new player becomes the Card Tsar and everyone draws back up to ten White Cards." He closes the page with a flourish and stares around at the crew. "So... who most recently pooed?"
"Well..." Charge is the first to break the awkward silence. "I had a very nice, relaxing poo before I left to come here."
"Oh God." Kate mutters, covering her eyes with one hand and taking a large gulp of wine with the other.
"So... what? 1130 hours, say?" 2Dads queries good-naturedly.
"Yeah. Sounds fair." Charge nods, before turning around. "Anyone after that?" He turns to RO. "RO-bot, you occupied the boss' toilet for more than your average timeslot-"
"If you think I am going to share with you the details of when I last deficated-" RO begins, looking outraged.
"1200." Mike interjects, keen to get the show on the road, and silence falls at the table. "Anyone else?"
Everyone remains silent and so after a moment 2Dads nods. "Alright, Boss. Pick a Black Card from the pile here and read it out."
Mike obliges and pulls a face. "A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without BLANK." Immediately, Charge gave another loud laugh and his hand moved immediately to one of his cards.
2Dads smirks and slides his own White Card facedown to Mike, before turning to the group. "So one you've found the card you want to play, place it face down on the table in front of the Boss. After they're all in, Boss, we'll shuffle them."
Kate, knowing she can't delay anymore, scoops up her hand of cards and looks through them. A balanced breakfast. Coat-hanger abortions. The make-a-wish foundation. Scientology. Nicholas Cage. My machete. Suicidal Thoughts. Revenge Fucking. Sniffing glue. Friendly fire.
Swain chuckles as he slides a card across the table at Mike. Bomber is laughing, but Bird's eyes widen as she stares at her cards. "What's the age restriction on this?" Kate enquires, staring at the seventeen-year old sitting in front of her.
"No!" Bird protests, qickly sliding her own card across the table. "Please, X. I want to play. I just... don't know what that means."
"Google it." 2Dads tells her. "Turn safe-search off."
"Keep safe-search on!" Kate hisses, picking up My Machete and sliding it face down towards Mike. My dates never seem to be without weapons anyway, Kate muses dryly, thinking of her date with Jim, which had ended in the Hammersley providing cover-fire.
"We all in?" Mike frowns, counting the cards. "Hang on. I'm missing one."
Immediately, all eyes turn to face RO. "This game is childish." RO insists, pouting. "It's immature and-"
"Oh, don't be such a spoil sport." Bomber snaps, slamming a hand against the table with such force that they all jump. "Oops." She flashes an apologetic smile at the rest of the table, before turning back to RO. "But seriously… pick a card." And after a moment, RO slides a card at random across the table.
"Okay..." Mike begins. "A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without... a sad hand job / A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without...The creative use of a pool noodle / Incomplete without... Making the penises kiss / Without Copping a feel / Without My machete / Without..." Mike's voice twists. "Oh, come on guys. Without 50 000 volts straight to the nipples / Without my collection of high-tech sex toys / Without an erection that lasts more than four hours." The laughter continues and even Kate cracks a smile at the abashed look on Mike's face. "Uh... 50 000 volts. You sick puppy. Who's... of course." Charge raises his hand in a victorious fashion and takes the Black Card as a point.
"This calls for a little guava mojo!" Charge declares.
"Guava mojo!" Bomber, 2Dads and Swain call in unison, raising a fist into the air and Kate rolls her eyes. The ingredients were already on the bar, and Kate leans forwards to allow Charge to pass.
"Who wants one?" He calls, counting the hands. "X? Come on?"
"I've got wine." She holds up her glass.
"Oh, come on!" Charge cries, raising his hand. "Do you realise how hard we all worked this last patrol? How much of our sleep was sacrificed to the greater good of the country? How much-"
"Charge!" Kate snaps her fingers. "Let's move this along."
"If anyone deserves to let her hair down on shore leave, it is most certainly our esteemed XO."
"You're acting like I didn't overhear you chatting with Swain about your desire to see me… what was the term you used? Oh yeah… completely shitfaced?"
Charge flashes an apologetic smile. "Have a small one?"
"Fine." She scoops up another White Card and internally groans at the image it evokes. Tony Abbott in budgie smugglers. Yuck. "On second thoughts, just a normal one. Need some alcohol to block out... that."
"RO!" 2Dads calls out. "We're going clockwise. It's your turn to read a Black Card. Come on!"
Kate turns to look at RO, who shakes his head. "You really expect me to play this asinine game?"
"You did say you liked Card Games." Bird points out.
"Solitaire." RO corrects. "I like Solitaire."
"Here." Charge thrusts a guava mojo at him. "Seeing as there are no transsexuals or golf buggies I'd say we're..." He trails off at the look Kate flashes him. "Let's go."
RO picks up a Black Card from the pile and rolls his eyes. "Oh, very mature."
"Read it!"
"How did I lose my virginity?" He turns to face them all as though daring to laugh, and although Kate really feels for RO, she can't help the small smile that twitches on her face.
The rest of the crew are not so subtle. 2Dads collapses into a heap, slapping his hand against his knee, while Charge slaps a card quickly onto the tabletop. Kate hesitates for a moment, then selects the Make-a-Wish Foundation card and takes a gulp of her guava mojo to make herself feel better.
The others are not so kind. RO grows redder as he silently reads every card, before slamming them on the table again. "I am not reading them."
"Here." 2Dads scoops up the cards and has a look, slapping his hand on his thigh again. "Oh, man, they were not kind to you. Which means..." His gaze drifts towards Kate. "X put in a mean card."
"I..." Kate begins to protest. "Well... yeah..." To give her something to do with her hands, she takes another gulp of her Guava Mojo. "But it was the only thing that made sense! For... not for RO. Just... in general. Dammit, 2Dads, just read the others out!"
"How did RO lose his virginity?" He calls out in a loud, carrying voice. "Shooting a rifle while balls deep in a squealing hog / Picking up girls at the abortion clinic / Flying sex snakes / The make-a-wish foundation." 2Dads cracks up again, the rest of the crew howling in laughter. Both Charge and 2Dads have tears in their eyes. "Oh, man, someone does not think very highly of you. Um... Warm, velvety muppet sex / Snorting coke of a clown's boner / Teaching a robot to love / In a van down by the river." He allows the laughter to die out before turning to RO. "So, which is your favourite?"
RO stiffens, before shaking his head. "If I choose one, can I leave?"
"RO, just choose one."
"Fine... the make-a-wish. It's probably the least crude."
"Yeah, it just means they don't think that you can do it by yourself." 2Dads' trademark smirk returns. "Mind you, Danielle did seem pretty keen-"
"Right!" Kate interjects, holding her hand out for the Black Card. "Just give me my point."
"Damn, X." 2Dads whistles as the table falls silent. "Didn't think it was you."
Kate flushes and smiles apologetically at RO. "Well, whatever. Let's just... oh, crap it's my go, right?"
2Dads' grin widens as he leans backwards, clapping his hands together. "Yep."
Kate picks up the Black Card and feels her heart sink. "What brought-"
"Wait!" 2Dads interjects. "I think, before you read out this Black Card and we all lose our minds at hearing our Prim-and-Proper XO swear, we need to ascertain whether or not we'll be paying for it."
"Meaning?"
"Will we be scrubbing toilets?"
Kate shakes her head and feels herself lose confidence as relieved and eager grins spread across everyone's face. Even RO has picked up his hand of cards, his hand hovering eagerly. "What brought the orgy to a grinding halt?"
Immediately 2Dads, Bird and Bomber slide across a card. Mike follows soon after and Kate locks eyes with him warily.
"RO, you playing?" Bomber enquires as RO slides a card across too.
"Well, I've got to exact my revenge for the Make-a-Wish implication, don't I?" He retorts.
Bird is the last to play her card, and after ten seconds of her hesitating, 2Dads interjects. "An orgy is where more than two people have sex."
"I knew that!" Bird flushes and hands a card over.
"Technically-" Bomber cuts in as Kate shuffles the White Cards, trying to delay the inevitable. "An orgy is more than four. Because you've got sex, then a threesome and a foursome."
"Yeah, 2Dads, generally more than four is the classification." Dutchy agrees.
"How would you know?" 2Dads retorts, flushing at being corrected.
"Well," Dutchy smirks, readying to launch into a story.
"Not in front of the minor, okay?" Kate interjects, nodding her head at Bird. "Seriously. I can just imagine the lawsuit the Navy will be hit with."
Later, Dutchy mouths, before turning expectantly towards Kate. She turns them over in her hand and rolls her eyes once more and seeing the first card there. That loud, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now. "Next time," She begins, as she feels her face redden. "We're playing Go Fish."