In No Way, Shape, or Form

Series: Respectable Scoundrels

Disclaimer: Warehouse 13 and White Collar belong to their respective owners; I'm just borrowing. No copyright infringement intended!

Author's Notes: I feel that so far I have neglected the Warehouse crew just a little, because Neal and Vala ARE the primary focus; but I do have some pieces from their side of things and they deserve some love too. Artie, as always, is a joy to write.

ps. I apologize for how bloody long it takes for me to post in this series. I have a few that are nearly ready, but it's that combination of final editing/titling/the inconvenience of cross-posting that hangs me up. I will try to be more consistent though, because I have missed this.

ovo

"Hey, he's pretty cute. What do you think, Myka?"

"I think he's a fugitive, and being attractive doesn't change that."

"Well I think he's hot."

"Pete!"

Artie followed the sounds of his three employee's voices into the den, where Claudia and Pete were having an animated argument over the tv while Myka rolled her eyes. Claudia was standing on the couch gesturing at the screen, and Pete was halfway out of his seat talking around a mouthful of cookies. His chair, his shirt, and half of the rug were speckled with crumbs.

Myka met Artie's eyes from her corner of the couch and mouth something that was probably help me.

Well, Artie needed some entertainment, anyways. "Quiet!" he thundered. He had the satisfaction of seeing Claudia almost fall off the couch, landing hard on her hip and almost on top of Myka. Pete froze, cookie crumbs stuck to his lips and his eyes wide. Artie graciously hid a smirk. Sometimes they really were just too easy. "Would someone please explain to me why, why in the world you are both acting like four year old kids on a sugar high? Wait, never mind; I remember that's your natural state of being."

Claudia spluttered about that, Myka chuckled, and Pete considered that thoughtfully for a moment. "Nah, I wasn't this hot when I was four," he said finally. "Winsome, maybe. Adorable, cute, cuddly even, but – well, I mean, I'm still cuddly –"

" Oh, blah blah blah, Lattimer!" Cluadia rolled her eyes. "You're still not as hot as that guy." She pointed at the screen again. "Artie, please back me up on this; Myka's too chicken to get involved."

Myka hit her in the arm. "I just think that you should pay attention to the character of the guy instead of just falling for those blue eyes and a charming smile. He's a con artist!"

Claudia blinked. "Okay, you lost me. Where's the character flaw?"

"Oh, for goodness sake!" Artie snatched the remote off the coffee table and turned up the volume, effectively cutting off the stream of bickering. Just because he'd sort of caused it didn't mean that it wasn't getting annoying. He had the right to change his mind.

He frowned at the shallow blonde reporter currently babbling on the screen. "Wow, she really is Pete's type," he commented. "But Claudia, I'm surprised –"

" Not her!" Claudia snapped. "Just wait, they're going to show footage of him again. Watch." She bounced up off the couch to hang over Artie's shoulder. "Look, it's coming, he's coming. And he is so much hotter than Pete."

Artie shrugged her off, but watched obediently.

"...FBI agent Peter Burke spoke to the press today concerning the ongoing search for James Bonds – also known by the aliases of Nick Halden and Steve Tabernacle, among others – the elusive art thief and bond forger who has been on the run from the authorities for the better part of three years. He says that they are still actively pursuing him, but he believes that the thief has fled to Europe. Burke says that he's cooperating with Interpol to track him down.

"Withing an hour of Burke's press release, several major news stations received the following video." /i

The blonde's face was replaced by a man with dark hair and blue eyes and a disarming smile that would terrify Artie anywhere. He waved at the camera. i"Hey, Agent Burke. Just wanted to let you know that I'm touched by your concern about my well-being; but you should know that you're really not my type. I'd love to come to the city for a chat, but it just wouldn't be fair to lead you on that way. Happy hunting, though; and may the best man win!"

There was a woman's chuckle off-camera, and James's grin widened. Then the image cut back to the blonde.

i"We attempted to get a statement from Agent Burke about what looks like a challenge from James Bonds, but he declined to comment. We'll be keeping you posted as new details surface. Now to Tom for the weather –"/i

Her voice cut off abruptly as Artie jabbed the power button, cursing at the screen. "You have got to be kidding me!" He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to block out Claudia's giggling. Of course. It had been too much to hope that what had happened in France would stay in France. Now the fiend was on ihis/i television causing trouble with his staff.

Absolutely ridiculous.

"So what do you think?" Claudia was leaning on his shoulder again, laughing in his ear. "Definitely hotter than Pete, right?"

Artie shook her off. Again. "No! Neal Caffrey is in no way, shape, or form hot; he is a crook and a menace, not to mention insane. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I like Pete better!" He shook a finger in the air to make his point. "And I will not be discussing it any further!"

"Whoa, hold up there, Papa Bear!" Claudia protested, perking up with interest. Her eyes were sparkling. "Who's Neal Caffrey?"

It was moments like this that made Artie wish he could slam his head into the nearest door frame. If only life could be so simple. "None of your business, forget that I said anything. Shut up!"

"Isn't he that art thief you collaborated with in France?" Myka asked, not looking up from the book she'd picked up when Artie had turned off the television. "There was a woman then too, wasn't there? Valerie or something?"

"Vala," Artie corrected automatically. "Wait, stop! Shut up, stop talking about it; this discussion is over, done, finished. Forget those names, forget his face, forget France if you have to; Neal and Vala are dead to all of us, do you understand?"

Grinning, Claudia snapped off a cheeky salute. "Aye-aye, Papa Bear! Don't tell you if I start secretly emailing this guy and learning his secrets, check!"

"No. Contact!" Artie snapped, narrowing his eyes. "And don't call me Papa Bear!" He stalked out of the room with Claudia's laughter ringing in his ears. He sighed. "I am definitely canceling the cable subscription after this."