The day had barely begun in earnest and she was already finding herself struggling with the events and attempting to sort everything out within her mind. Although she was grateful for the entirety of the gift that the Colonel had given her, she did at times feel burdened beyond her capabilities when it came to basic human interactions.
"I am super soldier number one. My duty is to my mission, which I will perform without fail."
Thus the mantra went, on and on. Since the encrypted message earlier, she found herself attempting to reaffirm her state of being as the tool she felt she was supposed to be while struggling with the reality of the tears she continually blinked out of her eyes whenever she lost focus of her resolve and began to let her mind wander towards what most would consider to be her "happier" days.
Lights set dimmer than normal, her quarters were as spartan as always, save for the one picture of her and the only man she could find herself calling family. The fact that he wanted to adopt her still shocked her. Was she actually worthy of that sort of treatment? It seemed absurd, for an old soldier to adopt a child of genetic engineering and experimentation -- a child bred to be nothing more than a reliable war machine, a soldier with unsurpassed ability and skill. That kind of happiness... that was not her place, or her destiny. Or was it?
Shaking her head, running her hands through her silver hair, she remains confused and sits on the edge of her bed in silence. Alternating between resting her face in her hands and gazing at the photo on the desk, she finds herself struggling with the odd duality presented to her by the mere existence of the Colonel and everything he represents for her.
Himself a career military man, he had given his life over to his country. Widowed and estranged from his son, Sergei certainly didn't seem much like a family man. She found herself laughing, remembering old awkard moments. In addition to not being much of a family man, he also never had a daughter and had to readapt to cohabitating with a woman of any sort of age.
She smiles a bit remembering the changes that happened to both of them over those four years of relative peace. Neither remained in active military service and they both found themselves learning entirely new skills unrelated to their previous positions -- domestic ones. He could cook, which surprised her. It was something of a hobby of his, but he made her swear never to let the word get out to anybody else. He would spend evenings teaching her, and that was how they learned to communicate in earnest.
At eighteen, she was considered an adult legally and otherwise, but she had yet to live outside of the facility and knew nothing about life as most people experienced it. Sergei, who knew little himself having mostly failed at his prior attempts at domestication, took it upon himself to bring this strange girl under his wing and show her the joys of life that even he wasn't entirely sure about. She laughed then, softly. The whole scene was so silly, but they did laugh through those years. Once she learned how it felt, laughter came easily and their combined ignorance of so many of the more basic aspects of living afforded them any amount of things to laugh at.
Her mood changes quickly, and her face resolves once more. The reappearance of Celestial Being had changed all of that. Though the A-LAWS had been aggressively recruiting former and current military, there was no distinctive push to pull in those who were less interested until the return of the Gundams. For them, they would rationalize any excuse to bring any shred of talent under their control and attempt to use it to destroy them. Her face twists at the memory of one of the pilots in particular who was known as "Allelujah." His presence confused and sickened her, for while he was a product of the same super soldier project as herself, he fought against her and his own siblings when he destroyed the facility those years past. More troubling, though, was the effect he had on her mind whenever they met. The dampeners that were installed after their initial meeting were no longer affording her the same protection they once did.
Why was that? She muses, gazing into the corner absently. Would the years have lessened their effect? Perhaps it was more a short term measure, and not meant to be a lasting solution to the problem. Could the years with the Colonel have weakened her in some way?
"No, absolutely not." She dismisess the thought verbally, annoyed that she would even consider the possibility. No, if any weakness were to have been introduced it would be the fault of her and her alone, and not due to the kindness and memories gifted to her by Sergei.
"I am supposed to be the ultimate soldier. Failings of that sort are my problem alone."
The whole situation was something of a mess. The growing strength of A-Laws, their treatment of the Colonel, the reappearance of that infurating terrorist group Celestial Being. None of it made any real sense, the more she thought about it. The orders she was being given were increasingly dual natured. The superior officers were having their own power struggle in the midst of an already tense military enviornment. Many of the A-Laws regulars were also developing a disturbing complex, affirming the Colonel's concerns about A-Laws operating outside of the traditional chain of command and potentially growing corrupt.
Yet, duty is duty, and as a soldier she understands that she has to meet her obligations and perform her duties as requested by her superior officers. She knows this, yet she is troubled just the same. The new reinforcements that had just arrived were further complicating matters. Did the brass fear this reincarnated Celestial Being that much? The gap between their suits had lessened considerably over the years, and her own Ahead was quite nearly on par with the machines barring that mysterious overdrive they had been known to employ from time to time. Coupled with her gifts as a super soldier, she had bested the troublesome Allelujah with regularity, and held her own against the others. Were reinforcements truly necessary?
She leans back, gazing at the ceiling and remembering the encounter from earlier in the day in the hangar.
"Your heart is crying."
As best she could remember, she had never acted upon that impulse and disclosed that she could sense the feelings of another. Perhaps it was just the combination of events -- the letter from the Colonel, the previous skirmishes, the confusion between mundane life and her own militant existance -- that led to the remark. She clucks her tongue and sighs through her teeth, "No, that was uncalled for. Still, the feelings were unusually strong."
I should look into this. Standing and heading to the console, she pulled up the information. Warrant Officer Louise Halevy. Age 22, pilot of a standard model GN-XIII, with passing to average scores across the board. Born in the AEU, studied overseas for a time in Japan. She enlisted into A-Laws about two years ago and was assigned to a mobile suit division in relatively short order; has only seen a few combat operations and has had no remarkable successes or failures on record.
She breathes out slowly, considering. Personal, then. Whatever it is that haunts her is not due to her time in the service but probably something from before. I cannot believe I spoke such. Her path seems clear. Making amends was necessary, both to calm a girl who clearly had a shadow over her mind and to make peace between them in case they were ever ordered to participate in the same missions. It would not do to have any sort of bad intent with the girl while on the battlefield. Those sort of situations have a history of causing accidents.
She chided herself once more for getting involved in the first place. Avoiding contact with her fellow soldiers had always been part of her standard operating procedure. As a super soldier, she was typically given solo tasks above and beyond the operation of the more plebian members of the military and that tended to distance her from the regulars on its own. Any resentment she acquired from such things acted in her benefit, allowing her to keep people at bay more easily while focusing on her duties and her missions. She slipped and chose to speak out to this Louise girl on a personal level. This would need to be remedied and remedied soon. A new briefing was already scheduled to occur later in the day, and it was likely that a sortie would be called not long after.
"Being a super soldier does not seem to prevent me from making mistakes. I just need to resolve this and resume my duties. Nothing more." She nods to herself, satisfied with the decision.
* * * * *
She knocks at the door and waits. This is professional. I am here because I have concerns about the performance of a subordinate. She glances down the hall. Wondering what the other crewmates would think were she to be seen here, she finds herself growing uncharacteristically impatient. The most unfortunate of which would be if Andrei were to decide to make a presence. As new to the human element as she is, she still clearly recognizes the intent and interest of that man. His infatuation with the girl was obvious from the beginning, even going so far as to distract him from his precious standards of military formality.
She shakes her head abruptly. Even without knowing all of the details about the estranged father and son, she knows full well that Sergei is a kind man and that any mistakes he may have made in the past, he is attempting to make up for now. Andrei could have peace with his father if he showed half the heart that his father does now. His bitterness was accomplishing nothing but breeding further sadness.
Rustling and movement can be heard on the other side of the door. The woman outside taps her foot and effects a nervous counterpoint to her usual stoic nature. She is clearly present, what is the cause for this delay? No quarters are that large on a ship like this. A sigh, another shake of the head, and she resumes her former composure. Understanding that it would do a recruit no good to see a superior in a state of disarray is something she learned early on in her observation of the Colonel.
As she reaches up to knock a second time, the sounds behind the door approach closer and it slides open, revealing the blonde's puzzled face. "Sorry for the delay, I was ju-- Lieutenant Peries! What are you-- excuse me!" The blonde throws the door the rest of the way open and snaps a sharp salute while drawing to full attention, her uniform in something of disarray.
Odd. She thinks to herself. I wonder what would cause this sort of fluster? Her eyes... crying? She finds herself further embarrased, and ashamed at her own ignorance. Understanding that the only reason she can recognize the signs is because she saw herself in the mirror prior to coming over to make this appearance. I thought I had learned so much over the past four years, but it seems there is still a lot more to come to understand. Was a lot more to understand. What am I concerned about? I am a soldier and nothing more. Nothing more. I am here purely due to concerns about a subordinate who is clearly distressed about something--
"Lieutenant?" The blonde quirked her head to the side curiously. "Is there something wrong?"
-- I caused. I caused? No matter.
"Warrant Officer Louise Halevy."
"Y-yes?"
"I wish to speak with you. May I?"
"Of course, please, come in, I'm sorry about the mess, I'm still unpacking everything from the transfer and between that and trying to orient myself with the new ship as well as reading up on all the present mission information it has been difficult to find time to --"
Peries raises a hand, dismissing further complaint. "I won't be offended, you do not need to make excuses for that. I am here for other reasons."
Louise looks confused once more and speaks with quiet hesitancy, "Yes?"
Surveying the room, Soma wonders about the strength of the girl's complaints. The room is fairly tidy -- it is somewhat difficult to make a mess of military quarters given the strict regulations on the amount of items that any individual can actually bring with them on an assignment. Her clothes are not all put away, true, her personal affects are still in a box on the desk, but nothing is strewn about in any way that would require any sort of apology. The only oddity is the bed, messed up as it is. Even the most untidy soldiers tend to have immaculate beds due to the drilling early on in their careers. It becomes a habit that few ever shake off. She takes the chair from the desk and turns it about, gesturing at the bed. "At ease. Please, sit."
The younger girl blushes nervously, and Soma's initial concerns about the girl come echoing back to her. She is young. Technically not much younger than myself, but she is very new to the military. She is not a soldier in any quality, physical or mental. Why is this girl here? "I wish to apologize. My remarks during our first meeting were somewhat out of line, and I wish to express my regret for being so forward."
Understanding dawns on the girl and she smiles a little. A sad smile, Soma notes. Louise shakes her head, "It's okay. It just surprised me. I had heard about... I mean... I just didn't expect it."
"The fault is mine. I attempt to avoid being overt about it, but strong thoughts are harder to filter out and the emotions seep through. That is not an excuse. The truth is I should have been more discreet, or perhaps not mentioned it at all. I admit this does not happen very often, so I am still somewhat surprised when I can sense something that clearly." She rubs her temple slightly. Even now, she can feel the girl's sadness. Her heart is dwelling on a single person and is bound with an intense melancholy. Why is this familiar? What is this feeling reminding me of? Why does it -- "Teh!" She closes her eyes and holds her forehead with her fingertips, breathing slowly to calm herself.
Louise moves towards her suddenly, forestalled by the Leiutenant raising her other hand up to keep her at bay. "I am all right. Please, sit. A headache, nothing more. I am, after all, only human." She smiles a bit wryly.
Concerned and nervous, Louise takes a seat at the edge of her bed, alternating her gaze between Soma and the suddenly very interesting nature of everything but Soma within the room. It is clear the girl is nervous about having a superior officer in the room. Or is she? Is it the fact that I am here as a superior, or the fact that somebody is here period? Either way, it is my duty to attempt to calm this girl. Battle will be impossible for her if she remains like this.
Hesitantly, quietly, "I want to say 'Thank you.'"
Soma's eyes widen, and she lifts her face to look at the girl again. "I don't understand...?"
"It wasn't bad. What you said, back then. You weren't wrong, and it... it wasn't bad. It hurt, but it wasn't bad. I sometimes forget. Well, no..." She bites her lip, chewing on it briefly.
An odd habit, befitting of a teenager more than an adult. It is no wonder I keep considering her a girl when she is quite nearly my peer in age.
She conintues, "Anyway. It's good that I don't forget. Sometimes I get used to the feeling and I lose sight of the reasons I'm here. So, thank you, is what I'm trying to say. It has been a while since I really thought about it." Her eyes moisten a bit and she rubs them quickly, cutting any potential tears short. An awkward laugh, "You caught me at an embarrasing time. I don't look much like a proper A-Laws soldier do I?"
"I -- you have done nothing wrong. You are not on duty, and your private time is your own. If anything, I am once again at fault for disturbing you and causing you further shame. Again, my apolo--"
"Please, don't, Leiutenant. Don't be sorry! I'm glad you're here. I'm ... glad you noticed."
"You are?" Puzzled, Soma finds her usual composure slipping as curiosity etches her face.
She makes an affirmative sound, "Yeah. It's... hard. I suppose you've noticed I'm not much of a soldier."
"I wouldn't go so far as to say such a thing, no. You simply have not been in service for very long. Only time will change that appearance."
She shakes her head, "That's not exactly what I mean, but thank you. I mean it, though. I'm glad you noticed, and I'm glad you said something. Even if it does hurt to have it exposed like that, I feel better now than I did before."
Soma smiles. Perhaps some empathy is in order. Maybe my abilities could be used for something other than combat? No... yet, the Colonel showed me kindness while remaining professional and accomplishing all of his missions. If he could, then perhaps I... "Do you want to talk about it?"
The blonde girl blinks, surprised, and looks down at the floor wringing her hands together. "About my, uhm, heart?"
Blushing, and awkward, "Your troubles! I mean. What happens to be troubling you. Heart was... a turn of phrase. Nothing more."
The girl giggles, surprisingly light. She seems to be relaxing, Soma notes. Her eyes are still red from the tears, and it is clear that her state could still be improved a considerable amount, but she is improving. The knowledge that her methods, dubious and uncomfortable as they may be, were working was a great relief. Interpersonal communication was never a strength of hers, and to achieve success with such limited field experience was the best possible result.
"No, heart is mostly correct." She blushes with the honesty, "If not completely correct." Her hands grow still, and she rests them together folded upon her lap. "Is it really okay for me to be selfish like this? You're a Liuetenant and I'm just a common officer."
"As I said, it is my form of apology." She raises her hand again, to cut off any objections. "However you choose to say it, exposing it as I did in such a way was rude. Offering to listen to your concerns is my duty and responsibility, given my obtrusive involvement."
She nods while her gaze remains focused on the floor but she begins to speak, quietly at first but then with a growing sense of conviction.
She tells stories about her school years, beginning with her tenure overseas when she studied in Japan. She made a great deal of friends there and studied hard to work in the Aerospace Engineering industry. She had always had a fascination with flying and with space in particular. Her dream was to work in space within one of the space elevator stations. She met a boy in Japan who shared similar goals, and together they worked to the same ends and she assumed, perhaps naievely, that they would be together always both on Earth and in space.
She told stories about the times that her mother would come to visit and the trouble she would cause. The way she both approved and disapproved of her relationship with the boy, but tolerated it due to her love for her daughter. She spoke of trips to the space elevator for school and vacations, and the laughter, tears and stress of an ordinary, every day life. The longer the stories went on, the tighter she began to clasp her hands.
Soma finds herself smiling listening to the tale. The girl was so ordinary, so normal. The stories Louise told were so delightfully mundane, so normal. She finds herself drawing parallels between the girl's experiences and her own over the last four years with Sergei. A normal life, living as a normal person, experiencing normal sadness and normal joys. All of it delightful and wonderful and simple. She listens intently, nodding at appropriate times and encouraging her to continue.
Eventually Louise began to look up and grew more emotive. Yet instead of looking her age, it looks more as though she regressed to her age at the time of these tales. She grew more animated and youthful with each story of her past that she told, and the contrast between her at that moment and the tired look she wore upon their first meeting drew starkly within Soma's mind. She is working up to it. She started well before it to find the courage. A running start of sorts.
"I miss him."
The statement was simple and plaintive. She interrupted her own stories to deliver those words and paused for a good while after. Soma had no good words to offer but gave her understanding via silence. In time, the girl resumed her story, her age and tired visage slowly returning as the tale took a darker turn and the reasons for her eventual enlisting began to appear.
Celestial Being appeared four years ago, while Louise was still in Japan. The terrorist attacks began then, and by chance and circumstance, Louise and her boyfriend found themselves caught up in any number of terrible, stressful events. Though they tried to explain it away as having nothing to do with them, the events kept occuring and they found themselves touched by them no matter what happened. In spite of this, Louise eventually left to return overseas for a while in order to attend a wedding for a family member. She smiled wanly, talking about how everybody would be there. All of her family.
Soma finds herself suppressing flinches during several points of the story. The Colonel had done more for her than she realized by placing her only on the most specific missions. She knew things like this occured during wars, but that did little to make the awareness so personal as it was when an individual who was directly affected was here in front of her, opening her heart to her. Will my own orders eventually lead me to cause others this grief? Was it merely by the good will of the Colonel that kept me from having to experience this side of warfare with such a personal connection?
She begins crying again, but not sobbing. Quiet tears that came easily and comfortably. Comfortable for her, at least. Soma grows more awkward with the girl crying in front of her. While listening to her had seemed a good idea in the onset, as the tales went on and the depth of the understanding increased she begins to wonder if she had gotten rather over her head.
At the end, Louise spoke of the wedding. Everybody was dressed finely and laughing, drinking, eating. Then a Gundam came. Most didn't even notice its approach, and most of them never knew what happened. The mobile suit opened fire on the wedding grounds, killing everybody present. Her parents, aunts, uncles, cousins -- of them all, only she survived. Her breathing grew more rapid, and her eyes closed in a very real pain.
Waiting for her to continue, Soma then realizes that this is not simply an intense emotional reaction. She stands quickly ands trides towards her. The girl balls up, bends over and soundlessly works her mouth, reaching outward towards a nightstand as she falls onto the bed towards it. A seizure? Post-traumatic stress? What in the world -- She looks for a terminal to call for medical aid when she understands that Louise is reaching for specific object on the nightstand -- a bottle. Moving between Louise and the table, she sits the girl up and leans her against her shoulder while taking a seat on the bed. Picking up the bottle, the blond snatches it from her hand and opens it shakily. Soma rests her hands on the girls in an attempt to steady them. She produced a few of the pills and swallows them, her shakes calming as quickly as they came.
She keeps her arm around the smaller girl, holding her against her. Louise's breathing grew deeper and more rhythmic, but she was not yet speaking again. Taking the bottle from the girl, she replaces the cap before setting it on the nightstand once again. As the blonde rests against her limply, she finally notices the hand that she is still holding her own on top of. Her gloves had been off for the whole meeting, but she paid it no particular mind at the time. The ring she wore on her ring finger must have been a gift from the boy, which explained the nervous fidgeting with her hands. Something else though, and Soma leaned forward to look across the girl at her arm.
A seam? Prosthetic? I would never have guessed, I wonder...
"I'm... sorry."
"Shh. It's not your fault. I'm glad I could help."
"You noticed, didn't you? The arm."
Soma nods and speaks a bit sheepishly, "I did look, yes. I seem to be prying into your life whether I seek to or not. You have my apologies, again."
The girl shakes her head and relaxes further, leaning into the older woman heavily. "It's all right. People used to ask a lot. I was pretty happy to find out that the A-Laws uniforms offered gloves." She chuckles dryly. "I forgot the medicine. You'd think I'd be used to it by now... maybe I forget because I want to forget. Thank you, though. I'm glad you didn't call anybody, because I don't want people to think I'm weaker than I already am."
"So ... this happened then? At the wedding?"
The girl nods and her shoulders heave with a deep sigh. "The weapon used prevented normal restoration, and so I had to get a fake made. The pills keep my body from rejecting it."
"I see." Soma stares at the wall, resting her chin lightly on the younger girl's head. Revenge, then. I see no need to inspire that, but there is no other reason that somebody would poison themselves like this just to join the military. "The boy?"
"I don't know. I haven't seen him since the hospital after that. I didn't want to burden him with this. I just hope he is in space like we-- he wished."
"I see." She smoothes the blonde's hair, confused and sad. So this is the sort of destruction Celestial Being has wraught.
As time passed, the realization of the position and situation she was in grew. While acting on impulse and instinct, Soma found herself being uncharacteristically motherly with this girl, attempting to soothe her and calm her. When did I learn to be this way? Or was this always there, buried somewhere? She laughs, causing the girl to startle and then pull away abruptly and blush.
"I-- I mean, I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't mean to-- I mean, didn't think--"
"It's all right. This all started because of me." She smiles, stands, and straightens her uniform. "I should return and prepare for the briefing. You ought to do the same."
"Y-yes, Lieutenant!" Louise rises quickly, losing her balance and nearly tripping, prompting Soma to take a step back toward her and catch her by the shoulders.
Laughing gently, "Soma, please. That is too formal for something like this."
The blonde smiles honestly. Her heart is quieter. His face is still there, but the pain is gentler now.
"Thank you, Soma." She snaps to attention, offering a crisp salute, "I, Warrant Officer Louise Halevy, hereby reaffirm my designation as an A-Laws soldier and will uphold my duties and complete my missions as assigned with utmost dedication."
Peires returns her salute and smile, then heads back to her quarters to prepare before the upcoming briefing.
As the door to the Warrant Officer's room slides shut, she speaks quietly to herself, "Perhaps I should have been the one thanking you."