Okay so the format may be a bit difficult to some, it is Letter, letter, action; letter letter action k?
Well I hope you enjoy this somewhat ridiculous one-shot!
I cannot believe I forgot Hokage, Kakashi, Orochimaru, and Jiraiya! How could I?
this is in honor of the despair i feel of the end of Thanksgiving break.
Disclaimer: DNON
Teme!!
How dare you? You dare taint my beautiful Sakura-chan?! I thought you were my best friend! You betrayer! You betrayed the Male Code! You knew I liked her first!
You…you…
Stupid
Loser
Jackass
Asswipe!
And!
You make sure you take care of my Sakura-chan (because you know only I will end up with her and I would like for her to be in tip top condition! Believe it!)! Or I will kick your ass!
The Future Hokage Uzamaki Naruto!
Datteboya!
Ps: Don't you dare deny the obvious! I saw you kiss her under the stars…no I was not spying on her! I was just looking out for her well being! I had to make sure you didn't start the revival of your stupid clan early!
Dobe,
You will always be dead last in everything…including love.
Sakura is mine
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Sakura-chan!? How could you say yes to him?!! Why are you marrying him?! Look at him! I mean…he-he-he's just blah! What is so special about him?"
Sasuke,
My little prodigy has grown up, and is on the verge of becoming a man! I cannot believe I lived to see the day, my loner of a student, gets married...and to the girl you called "annoying"
underneath your breath, each time she ran towards you, the girl you made cry many a times with your cold, distant attitude, the very same girl whom you left on the cold hard bench
after knocking her out!
It is a proud moment for me, and I wish to say Congratulations; you are one step closer to becoming the man I know you wish to be (Don't you dare deny it).
Kakashi
PS: It is time i lend you my sacred books, I shall send them with this letter.
Kakashi,
You have tried to make me feel gulity yet again, and as usual you have failed.
Keep your damn books to yourself!
PS: Sakura has already forgiven me; it is time you stop living in the past.
"Sasukeee!!!! What are these books doing here?"
She shouted chasing him with a knife.
Sasuke-san,
Gai-sensei has taught me to always spring towards the Springtime of Youth! And I shall never give up in winning the heart of my Youthful Cherry Blossom.
But I shall not win this fight "dirtily" Gai-sensei does not approve, I challenge you, Uchiha Sasuke, in the winning of my beloved Sakura-san.
Let us fight in the hopes of reviving our Springtime of Youth!
Yosh!
Rock Lee
Thick Eyebrows,
Loser….
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!"
"Gai-sensei! Sakura-san ha-has matched up with Sasuke-san!"
"Lee!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!"
Hug.
Uchiha,
You dare make my baby doll cry, I swear to God (Excuse me) I will make you regret the day you did so for the rest of your miserable fucking life.
Hokage
Lady with the fake boobs,
You couldn't land a hit on me if you tried.
Sakura would only kill you.
"SAKUUURAAA!!? Where is that damned fiance of yours?"
The blonde busty woman shouted in the hospital corridor.
Inside the examination room, Sakura whispered to the half naked man, "What did you say this time?"
Oi! Prodigy,
If you know what is best for you, don't get married.
Shikamaru
Lazy ass,
Like hell i would take advice from you.
"Foreeeeeehead Girl!!! Where is that mother fucking fiance of yours?!!! HOw dare he insult my Shika-kun?!"
Sasuke,
Heehee heehee! You are to finally become a man! I give you a coupon (for my books) as your wedding present.
Use it well!
Do be sure to ask the manager (Hatake Kakashi) of my newly opened company for the new kinky toys you kids use...We have a great variety from handcuffs, whips, Blindfolds; We have
created a new toy that vibrates giving your woman the greatest pleasure she has ever felt!
Jiraiya-sama
PS: Tell Naruto not to miss training tomorrow.
"Fuck you! Perverted Sick man! You dare send my Sasuke-kun this...THIS letter?"
Uchiha Sasuke never received the letter.
Uchiha,
As an original member of Rookie 12, it is my duty to offer you my bugs and my support in your step towards marriage.
I will keep the female bug on Sakura-san to ensure her whereabouts at all times, if I detect her cheating, I will inform you immediately.
Shino
Bug Freak,
Er... thanks?
"Sasukeeeeeeee-kun? How (sob) could you think I would (sob) (sob) cheat on you? Why did you tell (sob) Shino to (sniffle) set a tracker (sniffle) on me?"
...
...
He mumbles "Traitor," to Shino.
"Heh, that's what you get for calling me a freak."
Sasuke,
I do not care if you are headed towards your own doom (munch munch) just make sure there is good food at your wedding.
Munch Munch,
Chouji
Fatass,
I do not wish to invite cheapskates.
"What did you call me?"
...
...
Smirks. "Fatass."
"Bakai no Jutsu!"
Uchiha,
It does me great honor to gloat of your late marriage with Sakura-san. Once again, the Hyuuga Clan has outdone the washed out Uchiha Clan. I have already achieved matrimony, and my clan is ready to carry on, whereas you, Uchiha, have yet to bind in holy matrimony.
The Hyuuga Clan will never lose to that of the Uchiha Clan.
My Weapon Mistress, is much more skilled in the arts of domestics, than the one are to marry. She has reached a height soaring above the one of yours when she is wearing those ridiculous black heels. My mistress is already carrying the next heir to my Clan, whereas Sakura-san has yet to conceive.
I do not wish to waste more paper on frivolous matters such as the Uchiha's, Fate has it for the Hyuuga Clan to overpower that of the Uchiha; and my Clairvoyant wife says that Hyuuga's shall rule the Clan wars.
Superiorly,
Hyuuga Neji
Hyuuga,
-glare-
Die.
"Tenten-san? Do you (metal clink) think (grunt) the fight will (slash) anytime soon? I ("Katon!) have to cook din ("Byakugan!")-ner soon!"
"Sharingan!"
Sasuke-san,
I do not know why it is you have married Ugly, I have spent hours upon hours reading matchmaking books in order to understand the complexity of your choice, but I have come to the conclusion that you have a deluded mind as I first had thought.
But my book on improving relationships says, I must congratulate you, so I congratulate you for your step towards ruin.
And my book has mentioned that I should offer my support when you need it, so I would like to say my ears are available to listen to your troubles with Ugly.
Sai
Loser Ex-Replacement,
-Twitch-
Die.
"Sasuke-kun? Why are you looking at Sai as if you want to kill him (grabs paper from his hands)?"
…
…
"Sai! Come back here! I'm going to kick your ass!"
The-Proven-To-Be-Not-Gay-or-Asexual-Uchiha
So…you have hidden your real sexual orientation by marrying a girl as cover up? But why must you choose Sakura? She is the bomb-diggity and leave her for someone that loves her for her female assets! Do not waste that hot body for a mere cover up.
- Kiba (on stand by for the marriage of Sakura)
PS: Akamaru says Happy New Year!
Kiba….
You son of a bitch...
"Katon goukakyuu no jutsu!"
"Arf!"
Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke,
My dear Uchiha-kun, it hurts me to know you murdered me, your greatest sensei, to go back to Konoha.
I was a fool to think it would work out between us; I had hoped in vain we could have put aside our differences and have made the relationship I wanted to work.
Alas, you married that fool of a Haruno, and now I have lost my vessel forever.
Yours truly,
Orochimaru
PS: If you ever change your mind, I will be waiting for you.
PPS: Kabuto misses you.
Orochimaru,
Evil Villians must die.
"Sasuke-kun!" she shrieked, "What are you doing?"
He was burning a voodoo doll that looked like...Orochimaru?
"Heh."
My dear Foolish Brother,
It is I, from Heaven…okay so *cough* Hell. I have sent this letter in the hopes of congratulating your greatest achievement.
I give you my blessings, Second Favorite.
I wish for your children to turn out like me, after all it was I that turned out to be the very best.
I give your children some advice: Please video tape the minor massacre, and send it back to me on your way here.
Your Elder Brother,
Itachi
Itachi….
Fuck off.
I never want to hear from you again.
I suggest you see a therapist.
RRRIIIIPPPPPPP
"Sasuke-kun? What are you doing?"
I wanted to make this longer than it was, but it is one in the morn, so i am ending it!
LIke it?
REvieW
Sasusaku779