AN: This silly little drabble is something I came up with based entirely on what Agent Lex says when you talk to him for the PvP world quests (which you can see on YouTube, watch?v=Cr0uYV_xaXk). Particularly the disgust with which he says it.
Agent Lex already regretted this mission, and it technically hadn't even started yet. The orders were simple: track down a specific Black Hoods agent, retrieve his datachron, and return to base. The unpleasant part was that he couldn't just kill the little tree slank and be done with it. No, this was an undercover mission. Lex wasn't one to question orders, he always did exactly what Axis Pheydra required of him without hesitation. But disguising himself as a female Aurin was really pushing it.
Oh, it was the perfectly logical choice. The agent he was tracking spent most of his time in Thayd. There would be no predictable chance to ambush him. He also stayed mainly in the Aurin-dominated quarter, being an Aurin himself. Lex disguised as an Aurin would blend right in, and a female would have slightly more authority than a male, should he be confronted. It wasn't so much the disguise itself that was a problem. Sure, it was quite a bit smaller than his actual size, but Lex didn't mind that. He also took no note of the fact that people who looked at his avatar's eyes were really looking at his crotch.
The problem was the tail. At first he thought nothing of it. A large portion of Dominion citizens had tails, after all. But among the Exiles, only Aurin had tails, and the other races had an...unhealthy interest in them. Not two minutes after setting foot in Thayd proper, Lex found himself the object of a male human's attention.
"Yeah, shake that tail for me, baby!" he jeered, accompanied by the laughter and whistles of his compatriots.
Lex ignored him, allowing a small amount of processing power to mentally decry their use of intoxicants at such an early hour. As Lex continued on through the city, he noted that the human was, evidently, not unusual in his xenophilia. Most were content with simply stealing glimpses of Lex as he passed, but more than a few - primarily male humans and Granok - catcalled and whistled shamelessly. Lex overrode the desire to kill them all by focusing entirely on making his way to the target's location. His focus was probably why he didn't notice when one of his admirers broke away from the crowd, and stood right in his path.
"Hey there beautiful. So, did it hurt when you fell from the God-tree?"
Lex was momentarily frozen. His soulcore struggled to make sense of what had to be the galaxy's most nonsensical pick-up line. The inexplicably shirtless Granok didn't seem to mind.
"Darlin', I can see you're stunned that the Krag Studrok is paying attention to you, but no need to be shy! Why don't we go have some drinks back at my place?" He punctuated the second attempt with some flexing.
Lex managed to pull himself together. "I have places to be, excuse me," came the soft voice his disguise program had designed. Lex moved to walk past Krag, ready to dismiss him as he had the others. Until his proximity alarm told him that Krag had just reached for his tail, which his cultural database helpfully informed him was considered highly inappropriate.
Lex whirled, and landed a punch to Krag's face that would easily have shattered his jaw had he been Cassian. But since he wasn't Cassian, all he suffered was a few chips and a slightly bruised ego. The latter mostly because the various people standing nearby erupted into uproarious laughter at his expense, and a few cheers directed towards Lex. Lex wisely took the moment of opportunity to hurry on to where he knew his target to be located.
Unfortunately, the delay meant that the Black Hoods agent had slipped into a place of business. A tea house, according to the sign in front. Mentally cursing the perfection of his disguise, Lex steeled himself and entered. He nearly reeled when the heady aroma inside hit him. His olfactory sensors read various herbal infusions, as well as airborne intoxicants. Inside, many Aurin lounged in chairs or on piles of pillows, sipping tea and sharing deep pulls from what appeared to be hookahs of traditional Aurin make. A bouncy little female approached him.
"Oh I haven't seen you before! Are you new here? Come on, come sit over here, first time's on the house!" Lex didn't have a chance to reply to anything, as the Aurin pulled him over to a group sitting around a hookah. He wouldn't have protested and risk his cover anyway, but it so happened that the Hoods agent he was after was seated next to where the Aurin hostess was guiding him. Lex sat with all the grace and poise of a Matria, and politely accepted the cup of tea that was handed to him.
Lex had to wait for the proper moment to make his move. He listened politely as the Aurin engaged in small talk, all while the Hood became more and more relaxed from whatever was in the hookah he drew deeply from. Fortunately, Lex's advanced systems were able to filter out the airborne particles and prevent him from being affected. All he had to do was be patient. He was able to surreptitiously relieve the Hood of his datachron when the Aurin listed to one side. With the datachron in hand Lex could leave, but he still had to avoid any suspicion, and a full teacup would draw attention. To keep up appearances, he sipped the tea.
It was only after he'd swallowed that he realized his mistake. His balance system faltered, and optical sensors glitched. Chemical analysis cheerfully informed him that he'd just ingested a brew made from Arborian herbs rich in massive amounts of primal energy. It was only a mild intoxicant to the Aurin, who haled from a world with obnoxious levels of Primal Life. Lex, however, was designed to derive fuel from substances containing only trace primal elements.
Lex got drunk under the table by tree slanks. Axis Pheydra was not going to be pleased. Suddenly, that knowledge seemed hilarious to Lex. He surpressed a giggle, trying to distract himself by paying attention to the conversation the Aurin were having.
"...and the consort made her the cutest little plant hanger. He said it was macrame..."
"I LOVE MACRAME!" Lex wondered who had shouted, but since everyone had turned to look at him, he figured it must have been him.
"Oh, could you show us? That would just be the best!" Something about the earnest look in the Aurin's eyes compelled Lex to do it. The earnest look, or the color changing, one or the other.
"Of course! I have some cord with me. I know! Let's make friendship bracelets!" Lex heard himself shout, as though he was just an observer while his body went on an arts and crafts binge.
...
Agent Lex was sure this had been the worst day of his life. Axis Pheydra, fortunately, only cared that the mission had been a success. She didn't care how it was accomplished. Lex however, once he was dismissed locked himself in his quarters. If only he hadn't been assaulted by amorous Granok, he could have pick pocketed the Hood and never set foot in that Scions-cursed tea house at all. Instead, he had to relate every humiliating detail to his superior, and then spend half an hour picking exactly fifteen friendship bracelets out of the joints of his fingers. As he sunk into the hottest acid bath he could tolerate, Lex decided that Aurin female had to be the absolute worst mission he'd ever had, and he prayed to the Eldan that he would never have to do it again.