"Hey what's that?"

"Alfred!" Violet eyes go wide as Canada slaps his brother's hand away from his neck. He tugs the neck of his red hoodie up to cover himself, a blush coating his face.

"Is that a hickey?" America's eyes are huge, sparkling with mirth and curiosity. "Did someone give you a hickey? Who was it, huh? Huh? Huh?" America bounced on the balls of his feet as he begged for a tidbit of information. "Did you get laid Matt? Here at the world conference?"

"Alfred stop!" Canada's face was dark with embarrassment. "It's none of your business, eh?"

"But you're my baby bro! I gotta make sure your significant other-" Here America waggled his eyebrows suggestively "-Is treating you right! So who was it?" America's eyes went wide. "Please tell me it wasn't the commie."

"How do you know it was a guy?" Canada suggested, holding his head a little higher. "Just because you bat for the other team doesn't mean I have to, eh?"

America's blue eyes were approximately the size of dinner plates now. "YOU'RE STRAIGHT?" America looked down, becoming suddenly thoughtful. "I didn't think I knew anyone who was straight. Who wasn't trying to lay Russia, anyway," America added, thinking of Belarus. "Well there aren't that many girl nations. Was it Ukraine? I thought there might be a thing between you two, but I thought you were gay! How was I supposed to know, Matt?"

"Shut up, Al," Canada replied. "I didn't say I was straight, I just told you not to assume. And I'm not telling who it was, so just stop."

"I'm not letting go of the Ukraine thing, but let's think this through anyway," America continued, as if Canada hadn't said anything at all. "Hungary's bi, but she's still hung up on Austria. Belarus is so obsessed with Russia I know she's not banging anyone. Ooh! Was it little Liechtenstein?" America's face scrunched in confusion. "How did you get past Switzerland with that?"

"God, Alfred, I didn't sleep with Liechtenstein!" Canada made a face that told America exactly what he thought of him right now. "What is she, like... fourteen?"

America shrugged. "Think so. Besides. Everyone knows Switzy's gonna pop her cherry."

"Al, don't be disgusting. It's not really any of your business. And neither is my hickey."

"AHA! So it IS a hickey!" America grinned gleefully, brandishing his triumph.

Canada rolled his eyes. "Fine. Yes. It's a hickey. And I did have sex last night. Very, very good sex. But I'm still not telling you who with." Canada grabbed his backpack from the floor as a knock sounded on the door. "Now if you'll excuse me..."

"Who's at the door, bro? Is it your girlfriend~?" America asked, jogging past Canada and grabbing the door handle. He pulled it open and his eyebrows went up at the sight of the slight, quiet brunet in the hallway. "Hey Lithuania! Whatcha doin' here?"

"Oh! Mr. America," Lithuania said with a warm smile. He opened his mouth to answer America's question, but Canada cut in before he could say anything.

"Toris and I are going to lunch with Poland and Ukraine."

"Duuuuude! I came over to take you to Mickey D's!"

"Too late. I have a previous engagement."

"You're going out with the commie's minions instead of your own bro? Why would you do this to me Mattie?!"

Canada glared at America, feeling slightly like strangling his brother for calling the former Soviet Union "Russia's minions" right in front of Lithuania. "I'm going out with them because they're my friends, and they eat at places that don't have drive-thru windows installed in them. I'll see you at tonight's G8 session, eh?"

"Sure Matt," America said glumly, waving his hand absently.

"And Al?"

"Yeah?"

"If you trash my hotel room, I will murder you."

America rolled his eyes and laughed. "Yeah yeah."

"I'm serious. Kuma," Canada said, looking at the fluffy white polar bear half-asleep on his bed. "Watch Hamburger Man. Don't let him make a mess, eh?"

"Who are you?"

Canada heaved a sigh. "Let's go Toris."

The door closed with a click as Canada and Lithuania left. America turned to the polar bear in the corner. "Do you know who Canada's sleeping with?"

"Who?"

"Never mind. Wanna help me find out?"

"Does it involve food?"

"If we find out who's banging Mattie, I'll buy you a Big Mac." America paused. "As long as you don't tell Matt."

"I won't tell." The polar bear dropped himself to the floor and headed for the door. "Let's go, Hamburger Man."

America (and Kumajirou) decided their first course of action was to compile a list of all the female nations. Then they eliminated a few (just logical ones, like Liechtenstein, Madagascar, and a few others), then decided to start with Taiwan.

"She's a cutie. Matt's a sucker for cute stuff."

America and Kumajirou found the Asian nations all together in one of the empty conference rooms, a pile of empty take-out boxes on the table. Hong Kong noticed them first, just blinking at them a few times. Japan was next. "Ah! America-San. Hai."

"Hey Japan," America said brightly. "Listen, can I borrow Taiwan for a sec?"

"What do you need from me, America?" Taiwan asked, pushing back from the table and rising from her chair.

"Well, I just wanted to ask if... have you seen my brother lately?"

"Your brother? England?"

"No, no. Canada."

"Canada?" Taiwan's brow furrowed momentarily in confusion before she remembered. "Oh! Canada! Is he even at the conference this year?"

America chuckled. "Yeah, he's here. And he's got a lover! He kinda hinted it was one of the girl nations. I'm just trying to find out who it was, because he's being a poop-head and won't tell me."

Taiwan smiled. "It is not me."

America sighed. "All right. Just thought I'd check. Thanks Taiwan!"

"You are trying to find Canada's lover, da~ze?" Korea asked chirpily, popping up behind Taiwan. "Lovers originated in Korea, you know! Who is Canada?"

"My bro!" America declared. "He looks just like me, except less awesome and more French-y looking. He's got a red hoodie and he usually smells like maple syrup."

"Oh! I know a ghost who smells like maple syrup!" Korea declared in excitement. "I remember him, because maple syrup was invented in Korea!"

"Sure it was, buddy," America said. "And that's not a ghost. That's Canada!"

"Ohhhhh!" Korea exclaimed. "Canada da~ze! He is super invisible! Invisibility was invented in Korea, too! That's why I like Canada so much, da~ze!"

"I'm trying to figure out who he's dating," America explained again. "I'm just trying to look out for my little bro, and he won't tell me who it is. So I've got to figure it out myself! None of you are sleeping with Canada, right?" America asked, turning to the room in general. Vietnam and Taiwan were the only girls present, but he figured he'd cover all his bases. Just in case Mattie was trying to throw him off base.

Japan flushed red and shook his head violently.

"No," said Vietnam.

"Who is Canada, aru?" asked China, but America wasn't worried there. Canada wasn't sleeping with China. America was pretty sure nobody was.

Hong Kong looked absolutely unfazed and shook his head.

"Not me, da~ze!" Korea reaffirmed.

"Drat. Who's next on the list, Mister Kumajirou?"

Why the polar bear had the list, no one can be sure. "Monaco."

"Well then, off to find Monaco! I'll see you later guys!" America called to the Asian nations as he turned and headed for the door.

"Monacoooooooo~!"

Monaco jumped, very much startled, and whirled around to face the American behind her.

"Mon dieu! America, what are you doing? You nearly gave me a 'eart attack!" She pressed one hand to her chest.

"Why must you be such a loud, obnoxious nation, Amérique?" France, who had been holding a conversation with Monaco before America interrupted, asked whilst swirling the remains in his wine glass. Seychelles was nearby as well, clutching a stuffed fish to her chest.

Monaco, now composed, turned to America. "What can I do for you, monsieur America?"

"Flora, you're not sleeping with Mattie, are you?"

France nearly choked on his wine. Seychelles dropped her fish. Monaco's blue eyes widened behind her glasses. "...What?"

"I didn't think so, 'cuz you like that Romano guy, I just had to check!" America grinned and turned to his furry companion. "Next?"

"Non, non, non," France said, holding up a hand. "Alfred. Explain yourself. What ees zis about mon petit Matthieu sleeping weeth dear Monaco?"

"Nah, Matt just won't tell me who gave him the hickey, so I gotta find out myself!"

France's eyes widened and he looked absolutely gleeful. "Mon Matthieu? Oh! He learned from ze best, non? Although, I thought 'e was a top..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa Francey-pants," America said, holding up his hands. "Bad mental image there. You make it sound like you-" America shuddered at the thought.

"Ohonhonhon, Amérique," France purred. "I did not give Matthieu ze love bite zat has you so concerned. Matthieu et I have not made love in far too long-"

America crinkled his nose in disgust. "Ew! You violated my brother?! That's... that's like Artie doing it with me!"

All three French nations laughed at this. "Oh peu naïf Amérique," France said. "Eet is both nothing like zat, et everything like zat. Et you cannot tell me you did not enjoy your night with moi all zhose years ago..." France winked suggestively at America.

"Ugh... Now I've got that in my head. Never again, Frenchie. I had a hangover for a week after that party. But at least I know you and Matt aren't a thing... although apparently you were at one time." America looked slightly green. He honestly hadn't thought his brother was the type to... well he thought Canada was a virgin at any rate. "So it wasn't Monaco. Wasn't France. Seychelles! You didn't..."

Seychelles shook her head, dark pigtails flying. "Nope!"

"Didn't think so. All right Kuma, who's next?"

The bear consulted the list he was in charge of over a pair of black framed reading glasses. "Belgium."

"All right, Frenchies! Hasta la vista!" With that, the American raced away, Kumajirou trotting behind him.

France sighed wistfully. "I wonder which lucky country 'as swept mon Matthieu off his feet. It better not have been zat bastard Russia 'e plays 'ockey with so often. I thought zat was a one-time thing."

"Canada and Russia used to sleep together?" Monaco asked.

"Ohonhon, cher. Matthieu is not ze blushing virgin 'is brother seems to think. I do not know why leetle Alfred is so set on poking into Matthieu's sexual life. Perhaps he is jealous, non? Maybe we should set something up between Angleterre et Amérique...?"

"Oh, Francis... you would not?"

"Ohonhon, mon cher... zat ees exactly something zat I would do." France grinned slyly. "Mine ees ze country of love, non?"

"Have I what? America, slow down, I can't understand you."

"Did you give my brother a hickey?"

"Your brother?" Belgium's furrowed brow suddenly relaxed. "Canada? Oh no." Belgium smiled softly. "I only wish that sweetie-pie liked me. No, we just exchange recipes. I send him chocolate, he sends me maple syrup. That's the extent of our relationship. For the present, at least," Belgium added, a far away look in her eye. Then she shook her head and looked at her brother, who was standing silently beside her, smoking. "Do you know anything about it, Lars?" Belgium asked him, knowing her brother had been crushing on Canada since World War II.

Netherlands stared blankly at America, making no motion to answer the question.

Kumajirou tugged on America's pants leg. "I think that means no."

Netherlands grunted in agreement and took another drag of his cigarette. Or joint. Or whatever the hell it was. America didn't know.

"All righty then! Who's next, Kuma?"

Belgium blinked. "You... you're just... asking around? Isn't that a little..."

"Tactless." Netherlands supplied gruffly.

America shrugged. "Mattie's fault for keeping secrets from his hero!"

"Ukraine is next," Kumajirou said.

"Ahh. Ukraine's my best suspect. And Mattie did go to lunch with her today..."

"Mr. Canada is such nice nation," Ukraine sighed wistfully. America and Kumajirou had accosted her on her way to the restroom, in the selfsame restaurant Canada still sat. America could see him in the booth across the restaurant with Lithuania, waiting on their companions to return. "I wish very much that he would love me in that way, but it is not to be. We are only friends."

"What about you?" America asked, turning to the blond who had walked with Ukraine to the bathrooms.

"Are you asking if I slept with Canada?"

"Don't get all offended, I'm asking all the girl nations!"

"Then, like, why are you asking me?"

"..."

"You, like, totally thought I was a girl, didn't you America?" Poland smirked, playing with the hem of his pink mini-skirt. "It's okay. I know I'm, like, dead sexy in this thing, right?"

"...I hereby invoke my right to remain silent, as anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law."

"I dunno, Kuma," America said, taking an enormous bite of his hamburger. The polar bear was already plowing into his third one, while the American was on his fourth. "Are there any girl nations you can think of that we missed? I mean, they all claim they've never slept with Matt... although a few of them seem like they aren't opposed to the idea in the future..."

"Nope. I think we need to keep looking. Not at girls."

America raised an eyebrow at Kumajirou. "You think he's gay?"

"We should ask Gilbird's person."

"You mean Gilbert? Like Prussia?"

The polar bear shrugged. Don't ask how. "Gilbird's master comes over to What's-his-name's house a lot. Maybe he knows."

"Wait... the albino? He's friends with Mattie?"

Kumajirou nodded. "They eat pancakes. Make lots of noise. Makes it hard to sleep."

America's face scrunched in disgust. "Please don't tell me you're sleeping with Prussia, Matt..."

"Yo Prussia!"

The albino rolled his eyes and stopped in his tracks, letting his arms slide off from where they rested – one around Hungary's shoulders, the other around Austria's. He turned and faced the American. "Vhat, America? Ich am busy being awesome."

"I've got a couple questions for you. First question..." America got up close to Prussia's face. "Have you ever had sexual intercourse with my brother?"

Prussia smirked. "Kesesese. Vhy do ju vant to know?"

"Because he is my brother," America said levelly. "And I will not let you soil his innocence."

Prussia scoffed. "Amerika. Birdie und I did zhe dirty a looooong time ago, und I vasn't even his first. But ve're over. I haffn't slept vith Mattie since... mein gott, since zat party about six months after ve broke up. The one vhere you und France-"

"You sure?" America cut him off before he could finish his sentence. Hungary's nose randomly started bleeding, and Austria rolled his eyes and passed her his handkerchief.

"Pretty verdammt sure. Ve have pancakes on Saturdays. Und sometimes on Wednesdays. Or Tuesdays und Thursdays at four am. Or sometimes Monday-"

"All right. Fine. You don't happen to know who he is dating though, do you?

Prussia shook his head. "Ich haff been trying to get it out of him for months. He von't tell mich."

America's eyes went wide. "MONTHS?"

Prussia looked amused. "Jah. He got his new boyfriend about a year ago. I didn't find out until a few months in, vhen Ich caught him setting up a romantic dinner for two. Damn sneaky Birdie... Didn't know he vas so good at keeping secrets."

"A YEAR?!"

Prussia chuckled and glanced back at Hungary and Austria. "Ich glaube, ich brach die Amerikaner. I think I broke the American."

"Yes, I think you may have," Austria agreed, watching America's twitching expression, which was stuck somewhere between murderous and entirely confused. "Und for the record, Amerika, und before you ask... Kanada's new lover is neither Ungarn or myself."

America stilled his twitching face and looked back at his companion. "All right Kuma, back to square one."

"America! Where the bloody hell are you going in such a hurry?"

England had watched America practically run all the way down the corridor and straight past, muttering something to the polar bear accompanying him. England normally wouldn't have said anything, but he was bloody desperate for someone taller than Sealand to talk to, as he had been stuck babysitting the micronation, and his friend Latvia, for the better part of the afternoon.

"England!" America bit his lip and glanced down at Kumajirou. "Actually... I... I need to ask you a question."

England's thick eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Well. Go on then, ask it."

"Okay, this is gonna sound really weird, but Kumajirou told me I had to ask." America rubbed the back of his head with one hand, a light blush dusting his cheeks. "Have... you ever slept with Canada?"

England looked unfazed. "I don't see how that's any of your business, Alfred."

"I just need to know, all right? Matt won't tell me where his hickey came from, and I need to make sure he's not making the wrong choices." America looked strangely vulnerable, and Kumajirou noticed it was the first time all day he actually seemed serious. "I'm kinda worried about him, Artie. I know he's not a pushover, but he's so shy. I just wanna make sure he's with someone good. Not someone creepy like Russia, or pervy like Prussia."

"Makes sense, I suppose. It's good that you care about your brother, America." England pursed his lips slightly. "To answer your question, yes I have. But not any time recently. I assure you I'm not the one he is dating. Is he in fact dating? I had no idea. Not that Canada and I speak too often these days." A guilty look crossed England's face.

"Prussia says Mattie's had a boyfriend for a year now." America's forehead was creased in concern. "I just found out this morning. He had a hickey, so I asked him who he slept with."

"I did it!"

Two heads whipped toward the speaker. Sealand grinned and pumped a fist in the air. "I slept with Canada because I'm a country!"

England's brows furrowed in annoyance. "You bloody did not, Peter, you spent all last night screaming your lungs out with Wy and Latvia. Besides, you're not old enough to... oh bloody hell, just no, Peter. Even if you had, it doesn't mean you're a bloody country!"

Sealand frowned and sat back down on the floor beside Latvia and Kumajirou, who was enjoying a nice head patting from Latvia. "It was worth a shot, wasn't it Raivis?"

Raivis trembled a little and looked up at America. "I-if you want to k-know where Mister C-canada was last night, y-you might ask Lith-Lithuania. He l-left with Canada l-last night."

Kumajirou sniffed the air a few times. "Which one is Lithuania?"

"Brown hair, shoulder length," England said. "Just a touch shorter than I. Very slim, quiet, unassuming."

"Oh yeah," Kumajirou said. "He comes over a lot. Maybe he knows who you're looking for."

America shrugged. "Worth a shot. Let's find Toris, then maybe we'll find the commie. Latvia, you wouldn't happen to know what room Lithuania is staying in would you?"

"Room 517," Latvia supplied, removing his trembling hand from Kumajirou's fur to place it in his lap.

"All right, thanks Latvia! See you later Artie! See you later Pete!"

"Bye America!" Sealand called.

America knocked heavily on the door of room 517. "Yo, Lithuania! It's the hero! I need to ask you something real quick buddy! Are you in there?"

"Ahh! M-Mister America!" Lithuania's voice was heard from the other side of the door. He sounded out of breath and caught off guard. "Just... just one moment!"

America listened a little closer and thought he heard another voice. "Am I interrupting something, Toris?"

"N-no!" Lithuania said frantically. "I'm coming!"

America exchanged a glance with Kumajirou, who was sniffing the door with curiosity. Just then, the door opened and a rather rumpled looking Lithuania appeared, in only his green button up shirt and a pair of boxers. "Mr. America! W-what can I do for you?"

"Well, Kumajirou here says you and Canada are pretty good friends. Is that right?"

"Um, I-I suppose you could say that..."

"I was just wondering if you knew who he's dating, and if you can confirm or deny that it is in fact either Russia or Ukraine."

Lithuania's wide green eyes blinked. He looked rather like a deer caught in the headlights. Poor dude probably doesn't want either of those mental images, America thought. "I-I think... I think that is s-something you need to talk about with Ma- with Mister Canada." Lithuania bit his lip.

Just then, Kumajirou slipped in between Lithuania's leg and the door, escaping into the room. "Oh! Mister Kumajirou! No-"

"AUGH!"

"Who are you?"

"...Kumakajii, sometimes I think I need to get a cat."

"Is that CANADA?" America asked, trying to see over Lithuania's head.

"Ah- It..."

"Just let him in, Toris," came the exasperated voice of Canada. Lithuania stepped back from the door and revealed America's brother, picking up Kumajirou from the floor, wearing only a pair of red boxers and his white socks. He was also glaring at America. "You nosy little-"

"Matt! I'm just trying to protect you!"

"From what? From being in a relationship? Well, I don't need to be protected from that, Alfred. I'm a big boy. I can make my own choices!"

"I understand that, Mattie," America said quietly. "I just... why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd overreact! Jeez Alfred. You overreact every time someone takes an interest in me! You wonder why I don't tell you about my relationships? Because if you knew, you'd never let me be in one!"

America was silent. He studied his brother, then glanced to Lithuania, who was still standing at the door, looking uncomfortable with the argument. "Mattie, I... I'm sorry."

Canada's face softened just slightly. "I just need you to let me be what I want to be. You're my brother, and I love you, and all I want is for you to be able to accept whoever it is I choose to love."

America nodded slowly. "Okay Mattie."

"And not just because you think Lithuania is okay. I want you to be okay with anyone. Not that there will be anyone else," Canada added, casting a shy, loving smile at Lithuania.

"Okay Matt," America said again. "I'll do my best."

"Good." Matthew let Kumajirou back down to the floor before standing back up and crossing toward Lithuania. He wrapped one arm around the smaller nation's waist. "Alfred... I'd like you to meet my boyfriend... Toris. We've been going out for exactly one year now. Last night was our anniversary."

America's brain was still racing, but he forced himself not to overreact. He needed to be happy for Mattie, because... well everything he'd said was true. America cracked a smile and stretched out a hand for Lithuania to shake. "Good for you guys."

"Well, now it's all out there in the open," Canada said. "Alfred, leave."

"What? Mattie, I said I'm sorry, don't be ma-"

"Alfred," Canada practically growled. "I don't care what Lithuania said through the door. You interrupted something. And I intend to finish it. Now."

Lithuania blushed as America caught the hint. "OH. Yeah. Sure. Come on, Kumajirou. See you at the meeting tonight, Matt?"

Canada only nodded and looked pointedly from America to the door. America gave a salute and slipped out of the hotel room into the hallway, Kumajirou at his side. The door was shut and America could hear the lock clicking. He looked down at Kumajirou. "Mystery solved, I guess," America told him.

"Great. I'm hungry."

"Me too, buddy. Big Macs?"

"I like the way you think, Hamburger Man."