It was late. The windowless library of the Men of Letters bunker was pitch black. The brothers had gone to bed hours prior. Cas stumbled in with a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey in his hand. He had gone on a three week long bender. His cell phone's voicemail was full of unheard messages. His text icon had a three digit number flashing at him. Having only given his number out to two people, he could guess who they were from. He lost track of how many times he had stared at the screen, finger hovering over the dial button, too afraid, too ashamed to press it.
Cas knew he had screwed everything up. He misread the signs, saw what he wanted to see. The looks, the smiles, the touches. He mistook joking for flirting. Comradery for attraction. Friendship for love. He was foolish enough to believe that his pitiful emotions were reciprocated. He was angry at himself and at the world he now lives in. He needed to get away. To put as much space between himself and the person he couldn't get off his mind. So he ran. And he drank. And he kept running and drinking until he ended up right back where he started.
Belly full of liquid courage he made his way through the darkness, bumping into furniture along the way. His hand ran along the wall as he walked. The hallway felt longer than normal. His footsteps echoed in the silence. The whiskey bottle slipped from his hand and fell to the ground and smashed to pieces, and Cas swore out loud. When he finally reached Dean's bedroom, the door opened before he could knock. Dean stood in the doorway shirtless but wearing pajama pants. He held a hunting knife in his hand, ready for a fight. "Cas?"
Dean and Cas sat together on a sofa in the living area of the bunker. Chinese food containers covered the coffee table in front of them, all mostly empty. Sam had left to do more research for a case, and Dean was telling Cas embarrassing stories about previous hunts. Cas smiled as he listened, laughing when appropriate, not always understanding the jokes but still knowing they were funny. There was a moment when neither of them spoke, both men content in being in one another's company.
Dean had reached across Cas to grab a beer off the table, when the angel stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. They locked eyes and Cas boldly leaned forward, brushing Dean's lips with his own. Dean jerked back away from the contact. "Cas…" he warned.
"Dean…" he answered and pushed forward again. He kissed Dean forcefully, one hand on the back of his neck. At first Dean sat frozen, but gave in after a few moments and started kissing him back. Cas moaned against him. He was encouraged by Dean's response and tried to push his tongue past his lips.
At that moment Dean freaked out, pushing Cas off and away from him. "Stop!"
Cas sat back letting Dean stand up off the sofa. "I don't understand, I thought…"
"You thought wrong!" Dean snapped and started pacing back and forth.
Cas stood up but kept his distance. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say." He looked down at the floor. "You kissed me back."
Dean clenched his fists and turned his back to Cas. "Go," he commanded. "Just go."
"Cas, where the hell have you been? I've been calling you, texting you." Dean stepped closer to Cas and put a hand on his shoulder. He could smell the stench of alcohol coming off of him. "Let me guess, you drank another liquor store?"
"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry. I chose the wrong vessel, I'm sorry." His speech was slurred but Dean understood his words.
"What are you talking about?" he asked but before he got an answer, Sam stuck his head out of his own bedroom.
"Everything alright?" Sam asked looking confused.
"Yeah, we're good. Cas is back." Dean ushered the drunken angel into his bedroom. Sam waved and went back inside his own room. Dean walked Cas over to a chair and sat him down. "Now, what were you saying?"
"I chose the wrong vessel." Cas answered, head in his hands. "I had so many choices. So many humans seeking a purpose. Praying to be used as an instrument of God."
Dean sat on the corner of his bed across from where Cas was sitting, and waited for him to continue.
"Before I chose Jimmy I had tested another person. A woman. She was a college student, very beautiful, very devout. She did everything I asked of her. But a male vessel felt more… suitable."
"Why do you think Jimmy was the wrong choice?"
"Because now I'm stuck in a body that you don't want!" Cas tried to stand up but swayed on his feet. Dean jumped forward and held him upright.
"Stop, just stop it, OK? You are going to sober up, then you are going to read all of my texts which you obviously haven't read yet, then we will talk. But for now, you are going to get some sleep. Got it?"
Dean pushed Cas onto his bed and took his shoes off of his kicking feet. "This isn't my bed," Cas whined.
"Just stay here and get some sleep." Dean pulled a blanket over him and sat down in the chair. Soon Cas was snoring lightly. Dean tried to get as comfortable as he could in his chair before drifting off to sleep as well.