Think of Me
I had excused myself from the others late in the day to go for a walk. We were on a strange, green world, with no trees, just endless space from here to the horizon. I liked it very much. It reminded me of my home, or what little I could remember of it. To be sure, my world was all yellows and browns, with only the occasional pockets of greenery, like tiny gems in the desert, very different from the endless grass here, but the sky was the same.
I was walking rather aimlessly on the grass at the edge of the town. I could see our camp in the distance, a tiny smudge on the horizon. Closer to me, I could see a young couple walking slowly back into town. As I glanced at them, the boy put his arm around the girl. And said something I couldn't hear from this distance, probably an endearment of some kind. The girl smiled up into his face in response. Watching them, I felt my heart constrict oddly, with what might have been envy.
Ignoring the feeling, I picked up speed, starting to enjoy the feel of the wind against my face. I was almost running now, with my feet pounding on the hard-packed earth. It felt good. Running always made me feel more in control. There were a lot of things in my life nowadays that I couldn't help or affect, but this was something that needed no direction.
Out here there were no memories to be forgotten, no friends to burden, just me and the wind rushing past my ears, blocking out all thought. I started to feel good, better than I had felt in days. I closed my eyes as I ran, concentrating on the purely tactile sensations running through my body. I had the crazy feeling that if I could just run fast enough, I would somehow be able outrun the strange feelings that had been dogging me.
At the speed I was going it was hardly surprising that I crashed into someone coming around a corner. The force of the collision would have sent me sprawling, if not for a hand that shot out and grabbed my wrist.
It was a boy of about my own age, taller than I was, and with messy brown hair. His eyes were wide with surprise and shock. Syaoran, come to find me as usual.
Our eyes met, and my heart thumped loudly in my chest, an almost painful bound of recognition that left me baffled and confused moments later. I stood staring at him, mouth open like an idiot. He released my wrist and smiled at me, not seeming to notice.
"Hime-sama," he said. "It's getting late."
I nodded, glancing at the sun which was setting on the hills to our left. "Gomen, Syaoran-kun for making you worry." I said.
Syaoran smiled again at me. "It's fine, hime-sama," he said.
I hesitated. The sunset really was magnificent, and I wanted to stay here out here a little longer. "If it is alright with you, I would like to stay out here a little longer," I said "This world is very beautiful. It … it reminds me of home, in a way."
At the mention of my memories, Syaoran expression changed swiftly, becoming both happy and utterly miserable at the same time. The mix of emotions in his eyes was confusing, and almost painful to see, although I didn't know why.
I smiled softly at him, trying to lift his sudden, inexplicable air of sadness. At that, he dragged his eyes from my face reluctantly and a dark flush stained his cheeks. "I'll see you back in camp then," he mumbled, and seemed about to turn away.
"Wait!" I said hastily. He paused, but did not turn. I hesitated, suddenly feeling foolish. I didn't want Syaoran to leave just yet.
"Stay with me awhile," I said finally. "I … I want to ask you something."
Amber eyes regarded me for a moment, and then he shrugged, and in one smooth movement sat gracefully on the grass. I sank down beside him, and watched him out of the corner of my eye. He turned his head to face me. I felt my heart speed up at his proximity, his steady gaze tugging at my memory like an unreachable itch.
There was something about Syaoran that tugged at the edges of my mind. Even though I knew that we had really only just met, I felt like I had known this tall young man with his messy brown hair and intense amber eyes forever. Something about him was warm and familiar, as comforting as the first sight of home after a long time away.
I had been silent for a long while, trying to remember, and it was with an embarrassed start that I realised that he was still waiting for me to speak. I searched desperately for something to say. The young couple in the distance caught my eye.
"Were you ever in love?" The question tumbled from my lips before I could stop myself.
I felt Syaoran tense suddenly. I wanted to open my mouth, tell him that he didn't have to tell me if he didn't want to, but something stronger kept me silent and waiting, desperate to hear what he had to say.
There was a long silence. Finally, Syaoran exhaled and turned away slightly, so that all I could see was his profile outlined in the sunset. "She was my best friend," he said quietly. "My only friend."
"What happened?" I asked as gently as I could, feeling slightly confused. Syaoran held an aura of sadness about him that I didn't understand. His eyes were distant, and full of buried pain.
"It's a long story," he said softly. "She was my whole world …" he stopped for a moment, closing his eyes. "But I was never sure how she felt for me, so I never said anything." There was silence again, as Syaoran tried to find the words. Without it being said, I knew that this was the first time he had ever told anyone about this. I felt honoured that he would trust me enough to tell me. A small, selfish part of me was also fiercely glad, to have this piece of Syaoran that no one else knew about.
Syaoran exhaled, as if releasing a great burden. "I didn't say anything when I had the chance," he said, regret and pain colouring his words, "and now it's too late. She will never care for me the way I care for her." His voice quivered on the last words, and without knowing how, I knew that he was on the edge of tears. Syaoran, who was so strong, and never cried. He turned his face further away from me, trying to compose himself.
When he turned back to me his face was calm, with no trace of grief. Without knowing why, tears welled in my own eyes.
"Syaoran-kun," I said softly, my heart wrenching with sympathy.
"It was just a silly childhood crush, that's all," said Syaoran, his tawny eyes darkening. "She's grown up now. Even if none of this had happened, we couldn't have been together anyway."
"Why not?" I asked. It all seemed nothing short of ridiculous to me. Who could not love Syaoran? Syaoran with his tawny eyes and messy hair, and beautiful nature.
He hesitated, and looked away. "It's … complicated," he said. "Trust me, it wasn't possible either way."
"Syaoran-kun," I breathed.
"There were even times I thought I could forget how I felt." He smiled suddenly, an edge of pain in his eyes. "But then, like you, I found out that forgetting is not something you do, it just happens to you." For a moment his mouth twisted with something bitter. "Only it didn't happen to me."
I watched him, the pain on his face touching something deep inside.
"Did you want to?" I asked in a small voice.
"Want to what?" said Syaoran, confused.
"Forget her." I felt Syaoran shift beside me, and I stared down at my hands, avoiding his gaze.
For a long while there was silence. I felt that Syaoran was trying for a fuller view of my face than I was willing to give. Finally, he exhaled, and looked back at the ground. The air brushed my neck, sending shivers down my spine.
"No," he breathed, almost too softly for me to hear. I risked a glance at him. He was staring at his feet, an indecipherable expression on his face.
"No," he said again quietly. "Though for a long while I did wish that. I thought…" He stopped, and then tried again. "I thought that my life would have been easier somehow if we had never met. But deep down, I knew that without her, I would be a different person. She changed my life without even being aware of it, and giving that up would be like giving up part of myself." He turned to look back up to the sky, almost whispering. "No, I don't ever want to forget her."
"Syaoran-kun," I began, and then stopped, feeling foolish. He turned back to me. There was a mix of desperate hope and longing in his eyes that I didn't understand, but it tugged sharply on my heart, forcing the words out of my mouth.
"Call me Sakura."
Syaoran jerked his head up, bright amber eyes meeting mine with an intensity I almost quailed under. Something was achingly familiar about his gaze, something that made my pulse race and my cheeks turn pink. I dropped my eyes, unable to meet his warm, dizzying eyes. I could feel him gaze at me for a moment longer, and then he too turned away. The loss of the heat of his gaze irrationally left me feeling cold, as if the sun had gone behind a cloud.
"I can't," he said. "You are my princess. It wouldn't… it wouldn't be proper."
"Please," I said, unable to keep the quiver from my voice.
I dared to take his hand, stretching my fingers over his larger ones. He started ever so slightly at my touch, and I was afraid that he might draw back. Instead, he closed his fingers almost desperately over mine. Warmth shot from my hand and spread through my body, making me feel excited and strangely peaceful at the same time.
"Okay," he said quietly. He turned back to me, and the expression on his face was both elated and deeply grateful, as if I had given him the world, instead of the permission to use my name he should never have had to ask for.
"I would be honoured to call you Sakura," he said softly.
Triumphant, dizzying joy swept through me, and without even thinking about it, I had captured his other hand with my own.
"And I shall call you Syaoran," I was blushing furiously before the words even left my lips, but I couldn't let this moment pass away. "After all, we are friends now, aren't we? And friends should use each other's names."
Syaoran was staring at me, his face pale and shocked. I felt embarrassed suddenly. Had I overstepped our boundaries? Syaoran was always so careful with me, so polite and formal. Maybe I was being presumptuous by forcing this on him.
I was still waiting, my heart beating much faster than it should have been. Somehow, if Syaoran did not want to use my name, I felt that that would be the end of everything. I needed him to be my friend, needed him to show that I meant as much to him as he somehow did to me.
I finally found the courage to look back up at him.
"Sakura," he breathed.
My heart swelled at the sound, until I thought it would burst from the waves of indescribable happiness Hearing my name on his lips tugged sharply on something deep inside, filling me with inexplicable joy. Sakura
He was looking at me uncertainly, as if he still wasn't sure how his familiarity would be accepted. The expression on my face must have been answer enough for him.
"Sakura," he said again, letting the name roll off his lips, savouring the sound.
And then he smiled at me, and I thought that I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life.
Owari