a fic for Emily

christmases long forgotten

all rights belong to JK Rowling.

During the first Christmas that Severus Snape knew Lily Evans, they met at a park near their homes. Both of them had returned to their parent's homes for Christmas instead of staying at Hogwarts. Severus had come home just so that he wouldn't be lonely in the empty Slytherin Common Area (or so he said); Lily because her parents wanted to know how school was going and see her in person. Letters, they said, didn't catch their daughter's bubbly charm and charisma. The truth was, Severus had every intent at staying at Hogwarts and away from his neglectful household until he found out that Lily Evans would not be experiencing a Hogwarts Christmas.

The park was snowy and cold and dark by the time five fifty-four rolled around. They were planning on meeting at six o'clock, but it was no surprise when the both of them showed up six minutes early. They exchanged shy hellos and then presents. Lily had given Severus - Sev to her and only her - several books that she had seen him ogling at the way he could read them as many times as he could possibly want and not have to worry about returning them late. Lily had gone through a lot of trouble to buy him the books, but it was worth it when the smile lit up his normally dark face.

Sev hadn't been able to afford anything for Lily; unlike Lily's parents, who threw money at their daughter every chance they had to make sure that she "fit in" at her new school, Sev's parents worked hard and barely made it by. Lily was ecstatic, however, at the mix-tapes he presented her with. There were about six cassettes that were filled on both sides with music; not just muggle music, you see, but also music from some of the wizard bands that were growing in popularity. Severus, it seemed, had put a lot of thought into each song and the meaning behind it.

There was magic in the fact that Sev was even able to save up enough money for that many tapes. But he understood Ms. Evans more than she realized, perhaps. Severus understood that there was magic in the music on the tapes. Not magic like the stuff that coursed through their veins, but magic like the power to unite and move. Magic that was maybe even more powerful than they knew.

Their second Christmas together was spent at Hogwarts. Lily had thanked her parents for the offer to come home, but she wanted to experience Hogwarts at Christmas time, even if that meant suffering through the antics of Sirius Black. It seemed that Sirius Black wanted to be at his house about as much as Severus Snape wanted to be at his, although Lily often found herself wondering why he just didn't go home with James Potter.

On the stroke of midnight, the two twelve year olds found themselves in the lobby of the school. Shy smiles and soft "hellos" were exchanged, as were the presents that year. Lily might have gone on to forget the stuffed bear that Sev presented her with - complete with a green and silver bow -, but Severus would never forget the picture frame that was hand made by Lily. Later in his life, when he became a professor at the school, it held a framed picture of him and Lily in it (although he kept it locked away in his desk drawers so that no student ever saw).

Their Christmas cheer, however, was cut short by Mr. Sirius Black. He had decided that it was the opportune time to drop water balloons on them, screeching "Merry Christmas to all, except you, Snivelly!" as he did it.

Their third Christmas together was another midnight meeting, although this time it took place in the Owlery. They had decided that they would be safe from both Potter and Black here, for both of the rambunctious boys that they despised had stayed for the holidays (much to their disliking).

This year was different for the both of them. It was their first year of Hogsmede and better gifts and a little bit of money (although Lily wasn't sure where Severus had gotten his money, she certainly wasn't rude enough to ask). Lily had bought Severus some new things for school - a cauldron, a quill, a planner. His cauldron wasn't the strongest or most well put together item and it was causing issues in his second favorite class, potions. She had seen the quill on her way to the checkout and was unable to resist because it was so utterly Severus, with the silver tip and green feather (although it wasn't showy at all). The planner was for the following year, when, as Lily had heard through the Common Room, classes really picked up.

Severus had bought Lily a diary. It was simple; black with her name in silver writing across its font. Lily Marie Evans. So delicate, like a flower. Lily fell in love with it and had filled its pages within a year of receiving it as a gift.

Just as Severus leaned in for what Lily was sure was a kiss, Black and Potter jumped out from no where (Lily later learned the magic of James' invisibility cloak). They screeched and howled and caused such a racket that Severus and Lily took off running, sure that a teacher would be up to see what and who were causing such a fuss. Little did Lily know that they had this all planned; as long as James Potter was around, Severus Snape would never kiss Lily Evans (or that was the plan).

Fourth year came and went as it seemed to do for many students. Fourth year, you see, wasn't as important as your fifth year, but it wasn't as worrisome as your first (did you fit in here? Would you do well?), second year (could you continue to preform or do better than the previous year?), or third year (for whatever reason you may find, third year seemed to stress many students). Fourth year, the general consensus said, was a time to relax before you took the bloody O.W.L.s and had to get serious about career choices.

Instead of attempting another midnight meeting, Lily and Severus decided to meet under a beautiful tree that sat on the banks of the frigid lake. Neither of them could later remember what they exchanged there, but they could remember their first kiss. It happened so fast, yet it was so right.

Somewhere between the murmured "thank yous" and "happy christmas'" and "this will be the best new year yet," their mouths collided. Lips on lips was all it was; neither Lily nor Severus had either been kissed before. Lily had never been kissed because she had her eyes on Severus and she wouldn't stoop any lower than what she wanted. Severus had never been kissed because the others made fun of him - Snivelly, grease-ball, what have you. Severus was called that.

But somewhere in between the classes together, studying together, late night escapades around the castle (and hiding as to not get caught by the care taker), they had fallen in love with each other. Severus had always claimed that he loved Lily first - from when he met her at age nine at the park. Lily never claimed it was love at first sight, but she had grown accustom to having Severus around. After all, he was her best friend and she cared deeply for him. He wasn't the most handsome boy in the school (that was a title better reserved for Sirius Black, as much as she hated to admit it), but he was honest and fun and he was actually a really good guy... once you got to know him.

The kiss - short, sweet, simple - was cut even shorter than either wanted, however, when Sirius Black and James Potter began to assault them with snow balls. This year, Lily and Severus didn't care if James and Sirius "ruined" their Christmas. Instead, they laughed and took off running back towards the castle, hand in hand. Their hearts beat in synch with each other and their first kiss soon turned into their second, third, fourth.

Fifth year was the first year they skipped a Christmas time meeting. Lily had opted to go home and Severus had opted to stay at school. They exchanged gifts by owls, but it just wasn't the same. When Lily came back to school, she realized that in her absence, Severus had formed new friendships with those in his house. They were claiming to be "death eaters" and support the rising dark lord, though Severus said it was all hogwash and he didn't really support any of it.

Sixth year was the first year after the word "mud-blood" slipped from Sev's lips as a name for Lily. Women, he realized, were easy to anger and hard to receive forgiveness from. Yet, he knew that he still had to try. As the clock struck midnight throughout the castle, an owl tapped on Lily's window in the common room.

Lily,

the simple note read. Disgusted by the sight of Severus' handwriting, she threw it away without looking at what he actually had to say. Had she read further, she would have realized that sometimes, love is what makes us all do crazy things.

I know that you're mad at me and I completely understand why. I know that nothing will ever change that awful name that I called you, but I love you. I know it's hard to understand, but trust me: my feelings for you are true.

I would never willingly hurt you. The word that slipped through my lips in anger should never have even been on the tip of my tongue. My vow to you is that I will never use it again. I do not wish to serve Lord Voldemort; rather, I wish to stay with you for all of our eternities. You're my best friend, Lily.

Please, in Christmas cheer, forgive me.

Yours until my death,

Severus Snape.

By seventh year, Lily Evans was dating James Potter - sworn enemy of Severus Snape. He wasn't the same boy that Lily had always despised and she found herself falling in love with him. It wasn't the same way that she had loved Severus - that love had been so unconditional and irrevocable until he had called her that awful word - but it was love none-the-less. Where it had been easy to love Severus, it was hard to love James. Being alone does funny things to the heart, though, and Lily decided the best way over her loss of friendship, companionship, and love with Severus was through James Potter's heart.

It came as a shock when, on Christmas, three dozen white lilies were delivered to her with a note that had a simple 'S' on it. After all the hard work of trying to forget what they had, Lily was back at square one (although why Lily thought she could forget something as magnificent as love was proof that she belonged in a house like Gryffindor and not Ravenclaw. It was a stupid goal and she failed miserably after it).

For Christmas the next year, Lily got two types of rings. One was from James Potter - an engagement ring - and one was from Severus Snape - the type of ring that you receive on a muggle phone.

"Hello?" Shy, sweet, delicate.

"Lily! I'm so thankful I've caught you. I just wanted to wish you a very Happy--"

Slam!

Once she recognized the voice on the other end, Lily couldn't handle it anymore. She flung the phone back into the receiver so hard that even James looked at her a bit strange (although she assured him that was the proper way to end a phone call).

That was the night that Severus Snape had the dark mark burned into his arm. If Lily wouldn't have him, what did his life matter?

On his last Christmas on Earth, Severus Snape spent it downing bottles of Fire Whiskey. Everything had gone so wrong. So, so wrong. If he could go back in time, he would. He'd beg the sorting hat to not put him in Slytherin; he'd beg the hat to move him away from the bad influences and bad words that he used as a teenager. If he could go back in time, he'd make sure he never called Lily that word and make her his wife and not let her marry that silly, arrogant James Potter.

"Merry Christmas, Lily Evans. May you rest in peace," Severus said softly, eyes shining and sliding out of focus as his patronus - a doe; a symbol of his undying love for Lily Evans-Potter - faded away.