An after dinner short. Hope it's as fun to read as it was to write.
A Good Day
Lil'-toof ran as fast as his meaty feet would carry him. He splashed through mud and leapt over another dead boy. Dakka was going all over the place. Big humie shootaz was everywhere. Boyz and nobs and getchins was gettin' all kinds of shot up. Lil'-toof kept running. He clutched his 'uge-chopa in one hand. As soon as he got close to dem humies, CHOP! A giant smile, filled with nubby teeth, broke acroos Lil'-toof's big ugly mug. It was gonna be a good day.
Dakka-dakka-dakka-dakka!
Humie guns raked over the killing field. Orks got ripped apart. Lil'-toof smacked a boy out of his way and charged. His melon sized heart hammered blood through his tiny brain. Somethin' bit at his toe. He and some boyz following him ran headlong into razor strings. The wire wrapped around his feet and his choppa. It was stuck in the ground 'r somethin'. The blasted string wouldn't let him go. The more Lil'-toof pulled the more the razor strings bit into his flesh. And the more the boyz moved the more the razor strings bit into his flesh. He hated the boyz. They were slowin' him down when there was stompin' to do. And now they was all stuck!
"RAAAAA!" Li'l-toof could see the humies and their stupid metal hats behind the gun. They weren't even lookin' at him. They were shooting gretchins that weren't stuck in the razor strings! Gretchins!?
A rumble began to shake the earth. More orks was coming. Lil'toof could feel it in the back of his head. His great chest swelled as he heard the war cry ring out from lots and lots of ork throats.
"WAAAAGH!"
It was time fur getting' stuck-in, not stuck. Lil'-toof pushed against the mud with all his might. The razor stings went taunt and sliced at his leather skin. He shoved his shoulders and arms forward as he took a step. Wooden stakes popped up from the ground. Free! Well close enough. Lil'-toof was still wrapped in barbed wire but he could run again. He jumped with bounding strides, heading right for the humie shootaz. Lil'-toof forgot all about the smaller boyz tangled up in the barbed wire he was dragging behind him.
"RA-HA-HAAA!" Now them humies was lookin' at him.
They tried to dakka Lil'-toof before he got to close but they missed a lot. Bullets whizzed all around, then for some strange reason the razor string got easier to pull. Lil'-toof ran faster. His red eyes went wide as hot metal hit him in the chest. He stumbled. Gritting his tinny teeth, Lil'-toof spun with his 'ugh-choppa held out. He swung the choppa high, lobbing it with a grunt at the humies. They ran out of the way as the axe crashed into their big shoota.
Lil'-toof ran even harder at the humies. Sweat dripped form his back and brow. The razor string rustled behind him in the breeze. He bellowed as he jumped into the trenches. Some humie fired a tiny shoota at Lil'-toof. He took that lil' shoota and smacked the humie with it 'till his face was bleeding.
Dis is stupid. Lil'-toof tossed the revolver aside. Were's me choppa? He snatched his tremendous weapon out of the mud as more fighters came runnin' at him.
Lil'toof smashed one into paste. Another stabbed at his side with a knife on the end of his gun. The ork whirled around to see what had just poked him. His cape of razor string snared the humie. A shoota and a choppa!? Lil'-toof wasn't sure if dat was the greatest thing he'd ever seen or the stupidest. He'd think about it later. He punched the man on the top of the head. The humie went limp and collapsed in the wire. Lil'-toof beat him some more trying to shake the body loose from his razor wire.
More boyz and nobz was getting stuck-in. The greenskins came tumbling into the trenches. They chopped, shot, and head-butt their way through the defenders. A mob of boyz ran down a corridor ahead of Lil'-toof. Humie dakka tore into the band of orks. The scrawny ones died in droves. Another nob tried to run through the dakka. But he just go killed a piece at a time.
"Look out fur shootaz over 'ere boss!"
Lil'-toof loved the boyz. Dey always kept him from gettin' all shot up. "Don't go dat way den!"
Lil'toof heaved himself up over the trench wall. It looked like fightin' was everywhere. Lil'-toof grinned again, it was a real good day. Down the trench and around the corner he could see was makin' such a mess. A marine. A yellow marine. Good, marines was 'ard, and just the kind a fight any ork'd want. While the yellow marine blasted away with his special big-shoota, Lil'-toof lumbered up behind him.
"RAAAA!" Lil'-toof jumped choppa first back into the trenches.
The yellow marine's head snapped up to see the bulky shadow falling on him. Lil'-toofs 'uge-choppa hacked down and lodged itself in the marine's shoulder. The big armored humie yelled as he was pushed into the mud. Lil'-toof laughed, spitting phlegm and rotten breath on the marine, but the yellow fighter wasn't dead yet. There was a pop as the marine gave Lil'-toof a mean kick in the knee and scooted out from under the ork.
"AAAHHH!" Lil'-toof fell and sucked air in through his noise. His knee really, really hurt.
A mob of boyz came running past him to stomp the marine good. Lil'-toof hobbled through them, pushing the crowed aside. He raised his choppa high ready ta kill that marine for good. This was gonna be the goodest day ever. But the yellow marine pulled a metal ball from his belt, and threw it in Lil'-toof's face. The ball hit the ork right in the chin.
BOOM!
Pain. Lil'-toof's mouth hurt. It hurt a lot. He blinked the dancing lights away to see the sky. His mouth really hurt. He went to rub his jaw, but he just poked himself in the tongue. Hun? He tried for his jaw again, but missed. When Lil'-toof felt around his face he couldn't find the bottom half of it.
Lil'-toof tried to move his mouth and make sounds. "nnannaloo." His mouth didn't work anymore. It wasn't there.
My teef. Lil'-toof was horrified. Where had his little teeth gone? He couldn't even call himself Lil'-teef any more, he had no teeth. That was his name now No-teef. His mouth still hurt. Before No-teef could get up out of the mud something poke him in the head. He looked up to see a humie pointing a shoota at his nose.
BANG!
"Ha, one of your most proud kills, was it conscript?" The sergeant jeered. "Shall we see if you fair just as well against a nob that's still upright?"
Fin.