Disclaimer: I own nothing…I'm just borrowing a few characters.
AN1: This is my first CM story. It is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Song lyrics used are from Breathe Me by Sia.
Breathe Me
Help, I have done it again
Drowning. That is the best way to describe the feeling. Drowning in the thoughts that cloud your mind, never letting up, never letting you catch your breath. If it's not about a case, trying to think like the most depraved members of society then it's thoughts of her. Drowning in the feelings that threaten to pull you under and leave you trapped, struggling beneath the surface, never quite able to resurface. Torn between wanting to just let yourself sink into the darkest depths and let it engulf you and torn between swimming against the unyielding current. Fighting your way through all the fear, all the insecurity, all the doubt…to her. Drowning in blue eyes that seem to have uncharted depths. You know that you should fight against being drawn deeper into those eyes. Knowing that the sheer depth of them could pull you under forever. Yet…You let yourself drown…like you always do. Everytime she looks at you, you give in and just slip away into the unknown waters of her soul.
I have been here many times before
So many times. The way your eyes meet for just a moment longer than if you were just friends. The little touches. Her hand on your shoulder. Your hand running across the small of her back. The way that when she smiles, you just have to follow suit and smile back. Every time. Letting yourself fall that bit deeper. That bit harder. Knowing that nothing can ever come of what you feel. Convincing yourself that it's just JJ being JJ. That there is no deeper meaning there. That everything you see is just what you want to see. So many times you have come close to saying something. To doing something.
Hurt myself again today
Compartmentalising. It's the only way you cope with the hurt. The hurt you see in the faces of those you save…and the families of those you don't. The hurt you see in your own eyes when you realise that she is listening to your advice and has given that detective her card.
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
The only one to blame for her being with him is you. Nobody else told her to go for it. That was the defining moment. You see it now. A different response from you and the outcome could have been what you always wanted. Instead you gave in to fear. Gave in to playing it safe. Gave in to the old habit of hading behind your walls. Hiding from what you really want for fear of the hurt. When it comes down to it, that moment, that choice…you pushed her away and to him. There is nobody else to blame.
Be my friend
All you can hope for now is friendship. The thought of not having her in your life anymore is too much to consider. The regret of not acting when you had the chance. The hurt you will feel everytime she goes home to him. That you can cope with. You can cope with that as for those few hours a day, you can pretend you made a different choice. You can pretend that it is how it used to be.
Hold me, wrap me up
Friends. Yet it is more than that. The way she comforts you on those rare occasions that your walls are crumbling. The way she sees right into your soul with those blue eyes. You know she sees you. All you want is for her to hold you. To wrap her arms around you and keep you safe. To let you know that what you thought you saw flash behind those eyes was reality and not in your mind.
Unfold me
You want her to break down those walls that have been built so high. You want her to open your heart and your soul. To show you there is nothing to fear. Nothing to be afraid of. You want her to be there for you.
I am small
and needy
She sees you. Not many people see you but she does. The walls mean nothing. The image and the confidence mean nothing. She turns those deep blue eyes on you and you feel so small. You feel like all the false confidence and tough exterior just fade away. Leaving you exposed and needing someone to make things better. To make you better.
Warm me up
Someone to melt the ice that has formed around your heart. Seeing her with him just adds another layer. Freezing you from the inside. Making it feel like you have slipped so far under the water now that everything is dark and cold. That every hope you had, every hint of heat that would warm you when she touched you has faded.
And breathe me
For someone who sees into your soul, she keeps her distance. You know why…deep down. You want her to hold you and to touch you…to breathe you in. Just like you imagine doing with her. There are times when just the breathed in scent of her perfume catches your attention. Lets you know she is close. It is in those seconds that you close your eyes and just breathe. Imagining that she is doing the same. You want her to be breathing you.
Ouch I have lost myself again
Then it happens. She is engaged. Everything you had hoped is shattered. Again you find yourself drowning. This time there is no hint of gold drawing you to the surface. This time there is only dark and you are left drowning in the dark. Surrounded by thoughts and feelings that are surrounding you. Consuming you.
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Somewhere in the darkness you know there is a way out. You know that the real you is there. Not this shadow of a person that you have now become. She is also lost in the darkness. You want her to find you, the real you. To show you the way out. To save you from the darkness.
Yeah I think that I might break
Everything just builds up. The thoughts and feelings torment you in your dreams. The faces of the victims torture you when awake. You always see part of her in them. You have lost her and lost yourself with her. Lost the one person who could protect you. The one person who could stop not only the walls crumbling but also the rest of your soul.
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
It is then you know how lost you are. How the world no longer seems to have a refuge for you. Nowhere that feels safe. Never a time that you can allow the walls to drop. Never a time that you are safe enough to feel and to let her see who you are and what you feel.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
One last time. One last try. A last push against the current that threatens to consume you. One last ray of hope that she will be more than a friend. That she will hold you when you need it. That she will make your heart thaw and your soul glow. One last effort to try to save yourself from drowning forever and being lost in the dark.
"JJ?" You hear your voice so small, so lost. Gone is the confident front you show the world. You know the only chance is to lose yourself completely and just hope that she will save you.
She looks up from her desk. Blue eyes meet brown. In that moment you feel like she can see everything. That you are as good as handing her a book entitled 'The heart and soul of Emily Prentiss'. And in that moment you see everything in her eyes. The sadness mixed with hope. You know you are the cause of at least one of those feelings.
"I have to say something and please just listen otherwise I know I'll lose my nerve." The look in her eyes change. A momentary flash of confusion as she sees you stripped of all your armour. Deep breath before taking the plunge into the unknown depths. "I lost myself. I lost myself and I think in doing that I lost you. I'm not good with words." Another breath. This time shakier as you feel like you have slipped beneath the surface. "I just…Don't marry him Jennifer."
"Why Em?"
Your eyes meet hers again and you feel her searching for the answers she wants to hear. You feel her willing you to tell her what is racing through your mind.
"Tell me why…Please? I need to hear it." Her voice drops to almost a whisper at the end. You only just catch the words she breathes. It is then you see it in her eyes. She is just as lost as you. She needs you to save her from drowning.
"I want you…I need you. I can't lose you." Looking into her eyes you find your way, find some strength to reach for her. "I want to be the one to hold you. I want to be the one to keep you safe. I want to fall asleep and night and breathe you in, knowing you will be there when I wake up." You let your eyes drift shut for a moment. Trying to stop the sting that precedes the tears you know are building. "I want to be the one that gets to spend the rest of their life with you." When you meet her eyes, you see a single tear roll down her cheek. Yet her eyes are not sad. That's the moment you see it. You see the sadness has gone and in it's place is hope. Her eyes are shining a brilliant blue, deeper than any ocean. Looking into those eyes, you feel the ice that had encased your heart and soul melt. You feel your walls crumble and you feel everything opening to her. Then you see something that makes you break free from the depths that had nearly drowned you.
JJ slowly slipped her engagement ring off her finger and laid it on the desk. Her eyes then look back to meet the most soulful brown eyes she has ever seen. In that moment, she knows she is no longer lost and Emily knows she can lose herself in blue eyes forever. Never having to worry about drowning as JJ will be there to save her if she ever gets too lost.