^*^*^*^*^*^*^
EVER WONDER.......
why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
why doctors call what they do "practice"?
why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?
why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for
the indestructible black box ?
why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of=20
progress?
why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND.......
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Guess this is as good time as any to cure that wash-my-hair-in-the-middle-of-the-night-syndrome I have as any.......)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) *not mine, lol I just love this one*
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (um...right....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (Mommy! Is the food SUPPOSED to be this hard...?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (*Flipping over quickly*)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (......that's all I can say.......)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But I don't want to take them off...)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (Junior, I won't repeat myself again....get off of that forklift!!)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (No.....ya think?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." ( And I wanted to hang them somewhere else!)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
Hm...Maybe I need to study Japanese better but.....I never found the
definition of 'other use' )
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Whoa! I never knew...)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) *Not my quote*
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (So that's why I'm in the hospital right now.....)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with
your hands
or genitals." (....opps.....)
-Whenever you're having a bad day and it seems like everyone's trying to tick you off, remember this-it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
-Health is mearly the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
-Why is it called 'tourist season' if we can't shoot at them?
-On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
-I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
-YOU!.... Off my planet!
-I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-When life hands you lemons, huck them back at life and demand the oranges you asked for in the first place.
-Earth is full. Go home.
-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-There IS intelligent life on Earth, but you're just visiting.
-Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy
-I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet
-Reality is for people who lack imagination
-Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
-Talent cannot be rushed, only persuaded.
-Normal people worry me
-TV? Is that the big black box that looks like a monitor?
-What light?! I'm still looking for the tunnel!!!
-My inner child is a mean little brat
-The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?
-I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
-I think, therefore I am dangerous.
-Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about kittens
-In a library, if you yell, "Aaaaah!" people just stare at you, but if you do the same thing on an airplane everyone joins in
-When you live you risk dying. take the risk.
-Friends are not necessary to live. They do, however, make life worth living
-Friends are people who have your permission to be a pain in your butt
-Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead
-Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God
-I'm an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight!
-My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
-A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
-I'd like to share a little anecdote that happened in the office the other day. Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer.
So she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"
"No."
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So she wrote it out: "I D 1 0 T"
-You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
-Never argue with someone more stupid than you, they'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
-If I never met you, I wouldn't like you; If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you; If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.
-Kisses are like tears - only the real ones you can't hold back
-Some people think that holding on makes one strong...sometimes it's letting go
-When you are sad, I will dry your tears. When you are scared, I will comfort your fears. When you are worried, I will give you hope. When you are confused, I will help you cope. And when you are lost, and can't see the light, I shall be your beacon, shining ever so bright. This is my oath I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.
-I'm actually quite pleasent...until I wake up.
-If at first you don't succeed, reload
-When it hurts to look back and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and know your friend is there
-When the silences are no longer awkward, you know you are around friends
-It's hard to answer the question, "What's wrong?" when nothing's right
-Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled*
-When you're too busy for your friends, you're too busy
-What's wrong with me,
I've wondered a lot.
What do other girls have
That I haven't got?
You don't know what you do to me,
You don't have a clue.
You don't know what it feels like
To love someone who don't love you.
A million words wont bring you to me,
I know because I tried.
Neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
Are you afraid of love?
Afraid of where to start?
Are you afraid of a relationship
That is doomed to fall apart?
Kiss me in the light,
then love me in the dark.
Hold me till the end,
I'll never break your heart.
-I'm not supposed to love you,
I'm not supposed to care.
I'm not supposed to live my life
wishing you where there.
I'm not supposed to wonder
where you are and what you do.
I'm sorry, I cant help it.
I fell in love with you.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate the way you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
And worse, when you make me cry.
I hate the fact that your not around
And that you never call.
But most of all I hate the fact
That I really don't hate you at all.
-You are making progress if each mistake is a new one
-Be a sound, not an echo*
-Music is what feelings sound like*
-Sorry, I'll be back in a sec. I'm busy avoiding you right now*
-If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost
-A true leader is easy to find - because even when they follow, they lead
-I am not retreating, I am advancing in a different direction*
-It is my observation that too many people are spending money that they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like*
-Eskimo's have 49 words in their language to define snow because they have so much of it. In the English language, there are more then 50 ways to define a moron...*
-It's a shame that stupidity isn't painful
-Being yourself isn't hard. Finding out who you are is the hard part
-Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting them not to*
-I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away*
-Did you know that "if" is the middle word in life?
-Love is acceptance without judgment
-Press Ctrl-Alt-Del twice now for IQ test*
-Bandit - A wealth redistribution specialist
-The most important invention is the contract. It makes it possible for two individual parties to list all the different ways they distrust each other
-What's crazy? I'm not crazy...the world is crazy. I'm one of the few sane enough to see that!
Have a nice day ...somewhere else
-No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid
-Support your local bloodhound - Get lost*
-Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the twenty- first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...
-Oh dear, reality's on the blink again
-Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off*
-I live in my own little world, but it's okay......they know me here.*
-Computers are the future. Oh, the future looks grim*
-I'm one-of-a-kind. (Just what kind, nobody is really sure)*
-There IS intelligent life in the universe. It ignores us
-Could I get my membership fee back? I'd like to resign from the human race*
-Insanity - A perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world
-What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with
-Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
-A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks
-Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much, but our petrol is
-Twenty-one days to break a bad habit, another month to build a new one- MOM! Where are my tools?!
And now my favorite......Don't follow in my footsteps.....I run into many walls.****
*****
Kisa blinked. Than read the sheet of paper again. So Hiro /had/ convinced her.....one day, the world will die from utter and complete stupidity.
*****
^*^*^*^*
Heh Heh^^ You like it? I hope it made you laugh at least once. Most of these quotes are not mine. Some are, but I'm not gonna tell you which ones. ^_____^ However the ones with *s next to them are my favorites. Next chapter (If I get enough reviews) Is gonna be about YOUR quotes. So In a review give me all your quotes! They can be really dumb too! This is suppose to be funny right? I mean, yeah there are some serious ones, but that's there to give us a break from laughing! So send in ANY quote, any quote at all. And I'll be sure to give you credit. You can just have thought of it on the spot!
Crystle
EVER WONDER.......
why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
why doctors call what they do "practice"?
why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?
why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for
the indestructible black box ?
why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of=20
progress?
why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND.......
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Guess this is as good time as any to cure that wash-my-hair-in-the-middle-of-the-night-syndrome I have as any.......)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) *not mine, lol I just love this one*
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (um...right....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (Mommy! Is the food SUPPOSED to be this hard...?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (*Flipping over quickly*)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (......that's all I can say.......)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But I don't want to take them off...)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (Junior, I won't repeat myself again....get off of that forklift!!)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (No.....ya think?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." ( And I wanted to hang them somewhere else!)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
Hm...Maybe I need to study Japanese better but.....I never found the
definition of 'other use' )
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Whoa! I never knew...)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) *Not my quote*
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (So that's why I'm in the hospital right now.....)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with
your hands
or genitals." (....opps.....)
-Whenever you're having a bad day and it seems like everyone's trying to tick you off, remember this-it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
-Health is mearly the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
-Why is it called 'tourist season' if we can't shoot at them?
-On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
-I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
-YOU!.... Off my planet!
-I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-When life hands you lemons, huck them back at life and demand the oranges you asked for in the first place.
-Earth is full. Go home.
-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-There IS intelligent life on Earth, but you're just visiting.
-Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy
-I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet
-Reality is for people who lack imagination
-Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
-Talent cannot be rushed, only persuaded.
-Normal people worry me
-TV? Is that the big black box that looks like a monitor?
-What light?! I'm still looking for the tunnel!!!
-My inner child is a mean little brat
-The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?
-I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
-I think, therefore I am dangerous.
-Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about kittens
-In a library, if you yell, "Aaaaah!" people just stare at you, but if you do the same thing on an airplane everyone joins in
-When you live you risk dying. take the risk.
-Friends are not necessary to live. They do, however, make life worth living
-Friends are people who have your permission to be a pain in your butt
-Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead
-Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God
-I'm an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight!
-My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
-A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
-I'd like to share a little anecdote that happened in the office the other day. Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer.
So she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"
"No."
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So she wrote it out: "I D 1 0 T"
-You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
-Never argue with someone more stupid than you, they'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
-If I never met you, I wouldn't like you; If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you; If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.
-Kisses are like tears - only the real ones you can't hold back
-Some people think that holding on makes one strong...sometimes it's letting go
-When you are sad, I will dry your tears. When you are scared, I will comfort your fears. When you are worried, I will give you hope. When you are confused, I will help you cope. And when you are lost, and can't see the light, I shall be your beacon, shining ever so bright. This is my oath I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.
-I'm actually quite pleasent...until I wake up.
-If at first you don't succeed, reload
-When it hurts to look back and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and know your friend is there
-When the silences are no longer awkward, you know you are around friends
-It's hard to answer the question, "What's wrong?" when nothing's right
-Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled*
-When you're too busy for your friends, you're too busy
-What's wrong with me,
I've wondered a lot.
What do other girls have
That I haven't got?
You don't know what you do to me,
You don't have a clue.
You don't know what it feels like
To love someone who don't love you.
A million words wont bring you to me,
I know because I tried.
Neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
Are you afraid of love?
Afraid of where to start?
Are you afraid of a relationship
That is doomed to fall apart?
Kiss me in the light,
then love me in the dark.
Hold me till the end,
I'll never break your heart.
-I'm not supposed to love you,
I'm not supposed to care.
I'm not supposed to live my life
wishing you where there.
I'm not supposed to wonder
where you are and what you do.
I'm sorry, I cant help it.
I fell in love with you.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate the way you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
And worse, when you make me cry.
I hate the fact that your not around
And that you never call.
But most of all I hate the fact
That I really don't hate you at all.
-You are making progress if each mistake is a new one
-Be a sound, not an echo*
-Music is what feelings sound like*
-Sorry, I'll be back in a sec. I'm busy avoiding you right now*
-If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost
-A true leader is easy to find - because even when they follow, they lead
-I am not retreating, I am advancing in a different direction*
-It is my observation that too many people are spending money that they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like*
-Eskimo's have 49 words in their language to define snow because they have so much of it. In the English language, there are more then 50 ways to define a moron...*
-It's a shame that stupidity isn't painful
-Being yourself isn't hard. Finding out who you are is the hard part
-Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting them not to*
-I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away*
-Did you know that "if" is the middle word in life?
-Love is acceptance without judgment
-Press Ctrl-Alt-Del twice now for IQ test*
-Bandit - A wealth redistribution specialist
-The most important invention is the contract. It makes it possible for two individual parties to list all the different ways they distrust each other
-What's crazy? I'm not crazy...the world is crazy. I'm one of the few sane enough to see that!
Have a nice day ...somewhere else
-No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid
-Support your local bloodhound - Get lost*
-Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the twenty- first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...
-Oh dear, reality's on the blink again
-Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off*
-I live in my own little world, but it's okay......they know me here.*
-Computers are the future. Oh, the future looks grim*
-I'm one-of-a-kind. (Just what kind, nobody is really sure)*
-There IS intelligent life in the universe. It ignores us
-Could I get my membership fee back? I'd like to resign from the human race*
-Insanity - A perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world
-What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with
-Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
-A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks
-Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much, but our petrol is
-Twenty-one days to break a bad habit, another month to build a new one- MOM! Where are my tools?!
And now my favorite......Don't follow in my footsteps.....I run into many walls.****
*****
Kisa blinked. Than read the sheet of paper again. So Hiro /had/ convinced her.....one day, the world will die from utter and complete stupidity.
*****
^*^*^*^*
Heh Heh^^ You like it? I hope it made you laugh at least once. Most of these quotes are not mine. Some are, but I'm not gonna tell you which ones. ^_____^ However the ones with *s next to them are my favorites. Next chapter (If I get enough reviews) Is gonna be about YOUR quotes. So In a review give me all your quotes! They can be really dumb too! This is suppose to be funny right? I mean, yeah there are some serious ones, but that's there to give us a break from laughing! So send in ANY quote, any quote at all. And I'll be sure to give you credit. You can just have thought of it on the spot!
Crystle