Yearning Perfection
I flushed the toilet, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
Slowly I stood, my legs shaking. I washed my hands, too scared to look in the mirror.
Not long after, I heard the front door slam, footsteps heavy on the stairs.
"Dougie?" I heard, and jumped at the sound of my name.
"Dougie, where are you mate?" the strong Bolton accent pierced me deeply.
I was scared.
Not of him, but of me, my secret and him discovering it.
"Just a moment Dan!" I called back, thankful my voice did not crack or shake.
I reached for the mouthwash, all the sudden aware of the foul, dark taste in my mouth.
By the time his footsteps had reached the bathroom door, I was already swinging it open.
His bright, wide smile greeted me. His eyes alight with joy and excitement. His curly hair messy, but in a way that looked good.
All of this, every single detail, broke my heart.
But I did not show it. I couldn't. I just had to keep it a secret a little while longer. Until then, I do what I do every time.
With a fake smile on my face, my mind praying that my best friend in front of me would not notice how it did not reach my eyes.
"Danny, hey mate. What's up?" My voice was steady, laced with more phoney emotion. Though it seemed luck was on my side today.
Danny started to ramble on about complete non-sense while we walked to his room.
I flopped on his bed, letting his words fly around me. Or was that his room spinning?
I closed my eyes, putting my hands over my face. The spinning sensation filled my head.
"Doug?" His accent was laced with worry.
"I'm fine. Sorry." I moved my hands and opened my eyes.
I looked over to see him looking at me.
"Really, I am. Tell me more about this guitar." I was relieved that he stopped focusing on my odd behaviour, and he went off again about a guitar he had his eyes on for a while now.
A while later Danny stretched and stood from the chair he occupied. Well..I'm starving. What about you?" He asked me.
I did my best not to look in his eyes, but still act nonchalant.
"Nah, had a big lunch while you were out."
My excuse seemed to work, since he shrugged his shoulders and headed out the door.
Sighing, I sat on the edge of his bed.
Putting my face in my hands, I thought about the past couple months.
I had been reading gossip sites. They had all seemed to say the same thing.
Dougie is fat. Dougie is chubby. Dougie's been gaining weight.
I tried to ignore it, not letting it get to me. But it got worse.
I heard them talking. The three people I thought would never do that.
Tom..Harry..and even Danny.
I knew then that something had to be done.
So I started exercising.
It wasn't working.
So I pushed myself more and more.
Dizziness and being short of breath became a part of me.
Then one day I pushed myself so hard, I threw up.
For some weird reason, it felt..right.
I told myself I wouldn't be that type of person though. I'd be different.
So instead I cut down my eating.
I made the mistake of looking at myself with only boxers on one day.
All I saw was fat.
In the back of my head, I heard my so called friends, talking and commenting on how fat I was.
So I did the only thing I could do. Had to do.
I made myself throw up.
For some reason, once again, it felt right. I don't even know how or why. But it did. So I continued.
Finally I felt like I had control. Finally I could make myself look good.
I decided to eat less too. The lies of having big snacks seemed to just roll off my tongue.
There was nothing to worry about.
Back in the present time, I looked over at Danny's mirror. I went and stood in front of it. Slowly, I took a deep breath and lifted my shirt.
Fat.
That was all I saw. I started to cry, upset that my control wasn't working.
I ran to the bathroom, not noticing or even caring that the door was wide open.
Shaking with sobs, I fell before the toilet. All I could do was see the fat-ness. I shoved my shaking finger down my throat.
I thought I saw red, but ignored it.
Repeatedly I shoved my finger down my throat. Each time telling myself that the fat would go away with just one more time.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't heard Danny until it was too late.
"Dougie!" He cried, grabbing my shoulders to pull me away.
The contents of my stomach was no more. All that was left was blood, it flew everywhere as Danny pulled my backwards. It went everywhere, even on myself.
Danny didn't care though.
He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close.
We sat like this for some time, me crying my heart out. Him silent.
I don't know how much time went by before I spoke.
"Danny.." I started to cough. My throat was raw, it burned. My voice was weak as well.
"It's okay Dougie, I'm here." His voice shook. He was worried, and it was all my fault.
"Please don't say anything! I don't want anyone to know." I pleaded, the words burning my throat.
I looked at my best friend, his face was white. His eyes had unshed tears in them, an invisible shield, his emotions resting behind it.
"I promise to not tell anyone. But only if you promise to let me, and me alone, help you."
Those were his only words.
I nodded slowly.
I was scared now. What was I doing..? I had been slowly killing myself.
I noticed that the voices in the back of my heard were fading away. The reassuring voice of Danny replaced them, his words filled my head.
We sat there for who knows how long. Only when we heard the door slam shut, the voices of Tom and Harry floating up to us, did we move.
"I will keep my promise, if you keep yours." Danny whispered to me.
Only once I nodded, did he help me and himself up.
After I washed my face and changed my face, while Danny wiped away the blood, we headed downstairs.
I was happy that I was finally going to get better.
Thought I didn't know it would get so bad later on..
- - - -
Here it is. The story I promised so long ago. It was mentioned in one of the stories from my trilogy. I know it was only a one-shot, but it worked better this way. The last line kind of connects them, because its talking about what happens in the trilogy. Anyways, review please.
-FallennAngel