Rainy Days

By Shadow Runner

Shadow_Runner4u@hotmail.com

Awwww... come on now... you know the drill… Gargoyles are not mine… blah, blah, blah… I'm not making any money… blah, blah, blah… they belong to Disney… blah, blah, blah… OK… I think that just about covers everything but just in case… blah, blah, blah…

OK… this takes place sometime after High Noon but well before the events of The Hunter's Moon Trilogy. I'm not sure what possessed me to write it but I always wondered what it took for Elisa to decide that maybe things didn't have to be the way there were after the events of The Mirror.

Thanks to everyone for providing much appreciated feedback, I tip my hat to you all!

Hope you like and happy reading! J

Shadow Runner

***** ***** *****

Ask yourself about the things in life that have made you the saddest. The death of a parent or a loved one, failed relationships, professional ills, poor health, loneliness, despair, the loss of a lover, or simply a missed opportunity. I have known some unhappy times, but it is the last of these that I am considering now, as I spend a few solitary days off thinking about my life. Once again, I find myself alone in my apartment, sitting on the couch listening to the steady thuds of the rain, watching as two raindrops chase each other down a windowpane.

It seems appropriate somehow that my isolation should coincide with some of the worst weather New York has witnessed in over a year. It has been raining for over a week now and according to the weather channel, there is no sign of it stopping anytime soon. My mood was low enough to begin with, but this steady, unrelenting downpour seems to be a metaphor for my life. I continue to watch as an enthusiastic burst of speed from the raindrops fills me with momentary disgust. I wonder for a moment as to what secret they know which has been denied to me?

In the last few days I've slept maybe a handful of hours so perhaps that is part of my problem. I'm completely exhausted but when I try to sleep it feels like an exercise in futility and there are too many things in my life that already fit that description. Earlier today I found myself wanting to scream out in aggravation and the feeling surprised me. Instead, I expressed all of my frustrations in a series of mental yells that would have left me hoarse had they been accompanied by actual sound.

At the time I didn't know why I felt that way but now, sitting here alone watching the rain, I'm beginning to think that maybe I might have been wrong all along.

Perhaps there ought to be present day consequences for crimes committed in the past in the name of humanity.

Demona would love that.

Our species doesn't care to remember it now, our refined superiority is too firmly entrenched, but once upon a time we humans branded transgressors, marked them, and even went as far as to remove limbs in some cases. In the name of justice we as a race have murdered those who were viewed as 'evil' or 'unwelcome.'

So I now find myself wondering what would those people make of me?

I have always viewed myself as a defender and protector of the innocent.

But now I find myself wondering if that is what I really am?

Who am I really protecting now?

Society or myself?

I know, with absolute certainty that somewhere, in a different time, perhaps in a different universe, there is a version of me who has not made the mistakes I have made. Somewhere, there is a version of me, who has found a balance, whose' life contains love and laughter and someone to hold her when the nightmares rip through her sleep.

I hope she knows how lucky she is.

But she is not a person I am concerned with now.

The raindrops have begun what can only be described as a mating dance; they curve and arch around each other, one chasing after the other. I have some sympathy for the one doing most of the running, but I hope that it will give in eventually. I hope that it will stop running and fall into the embrace of the other raindrop.

I manage a small smile as it happens exactly as I predict, the two raindrops merging and are now racing off onto some wonderful, magical journey. Stronger because they are together, although I have the feeling theirs will be a stormy relationship.

Raindrops can be very stubborn and headstrong.

So now I wonder what will become of me? Will there be happy ending or yet another missed opportunity? It might be too late already since I feel as though I have run too long and too fast. In fact, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps I'm so far away that I might not even be pursued. I wouldn't be surprised if the chase had long since grown wearisome. After all, look at who I am. I'm someone who is so tied to their responsibilities that they are wearing me out. I have dark circles under my eyes and these days my idea of fascinating conversation is debating an internal police memo concerning domestic violence.

I continue to listen to the storm as the raindrops remind me of the life I dreamed of having as a child. As of late, I've become more attune to the importance of dreams and I wonder if they can still come true for me.

Considering my heritage, I was always taught that we must seek comfort where we can.

Throughout history, human or otherwise, there has always been a great need for intimacy and love and I am no more immune to than anyone else is.

Yet for whatever reason, I have fought to watch from the sidelines; a spectator in my own life.

I often wonder what it will take to make me step out of the darkness, some cataclysmic event, or just a moment of decision, of having had enough, having given enough? What? Of course all the wondering in the universe can't really help me, there is just that moment to take or to leave.

Only now do I fully understand that I have left a lot of moments in the course of this journey.

My reasons always seemed sound, rationale - or at least they did at the time. Now, in the warm darkness of night I ached to be held… I ache to hear one voice soothe over the syllables of my name.

There was a time where I wondered if that would be enough?

I'll admit that the decisions I had made regarding him seemed cold, hard, heartless - uncharacteristic even for me.

A tear trickles down my chin and plops onto the windowsill before me. I find that I am crying for all the decisions I have made that have cost me a little more of my life and of my humanity. I am crying for the lives that have been sacrificed, for a future that might never happen, for the loss of promise, of innocence, for the arms around me that I may never feel. I wipe away the tears, but more replace them.

I can't do this any longer.

I lift myself from the couch and move away from the window. For once my control has broken down so completely that I am not my usual self.

Later, I will try to rationalize these actions, but for now there is only a need so basic that I can not resist it. Without thinking, I've dressed and I'm half way down the elevator before I even realize I've left my apartment. Quickly, I make my way down to the parking garage and climb in my car. With the engine roaring to life, I pull out of the garage but for a panicked instant I'm not sure of my destination.

Then I see them.

Two single raindrops racing down the front of my windshield.

I remain still until the pair join and suddenly I know where I'm going. Unconsciously, I made my decision before I was even aware of it.

Today, I have taken the step - Today, I have stopped running.