Date Started: Saturday, April 18, 2009 ; 7:17:37 PM
Author's Note: Wow, it has been awhile since I've written fanfiction. Lately I've been going on fictionpress due to lack of good fanfiction ideas. If you ever want to look me up on fictionpress my username, like here, is Direneed. Also, this story is based on point of view, so you can take your pick whether or not it's Ren or Satsuki talking.
Summary: Hachi and Takumi's kiddos thoughts as adults concerning their father. Song fic. Song: The Widow by As Cities Burn. Also hints of HachixNobu
---
Dead man, where you ever alive?
Standing up at the coming of age ceremony. I'm twenty and hopefully a better person, despite all the stuff that has happened since my birth. A lot of former Trapnest fans managed to sneak into the crowd, there aren't many faces I recongnize. Father's not here...
...Mum is though, with all the assorted family friends and our actual family. They sit smiling towards the middle of the autotorium. I smile back and acknowledge my makeshift 'family'. Though, I still can't help but hope that Father comes, even though I know he doesn't care.
Or was I just a seed you buried deep inside
Some woman you wed
I look over at Mum specifically. I admired my mother. Throughout my childhood I admired my mother. Her strength was unparralled. She kept strong even through her and Father's divorce, even though I never learned why they divorced. I had always heard she had gone through a lot. Especially when she was first pregnant. She had miscarried the first time.
I really couldn't help but wonder what my 'little sister' could have been like at times, considering she was conceived from a one night stand, 'a mistake that I probably would have never regretted' have been mum's exact words before. Mum, whenever she did talk about who would be her oldest child called her 'Sachiko', after the virtual lover/wife of Shouji-ojisan.
Right before you crawled out of her bed and crept down the hall?
Did you think of me?
Did you even for a second hesitate in the doorway?
One of the things I couldn't help but think about was. Did Father ever care at all? When Mum was to the point of apparently giving up complete after her miscarriage. When she was about ready to take those sleeping pills and Nobu-ojisan stopped her. Did Father ever know about that? That his wife almost killed herself because of the fact she lost his child?
Did he ever even show up to those events that I can't even remember? My birth? My first birthday? Why was it that the members of Blast were more like fathers to me then my own? The first man to hold me was Nobu-ojisan after I was born, followed shortly after by Aniki (Shin), and Ya-san. Was I really that shameful?
It's just something that I'd like to know
Though I'd still love you if told me
You just walked away
Was it really so shameful that my mother chose to keep her two children rather then abort them like all of my father's lovers before and after her? Did he even have a reason to be ashamed of me and my sibling? We did our best to make him proud. We did our best to make our mother and make-shift family proud.
Why didn't he care about us?
My God, what a world you love
Where men bury their sons
And without thought just walk away
What really bothered me was the fact that my mother said father never came to comfort her after the miscarriage. He didn't care at all. Apparently all he did was send her some money for 'compensation'.
And my mother's heart breaks
Like the water inside of her
I still remember when Mum and Nobu-ojisan told us about that time. A lot of the time Nobu-ojisan just held her while she cried, despite his having a girlfriend at the time. Mum told us secretly that hurt her more. The fact that the only man who could comfort her couldn't comfort her fully. Mum always suspected that was the same way Nana-san felt about Ya-san. So, I guess in her on little way Mum had her own Ya-san of sorts.
Dead man, is it being high that makes you alive?
It makes you leave behind three boys and a wife in '89
As we grew older, and Trapnest's fame (along with Blast's) decreased, that was when we started seeing tabloids cover my father's alleged drug use. Whenever we'd see it in a news stand, Mum would just sigh and shake her head while telling us that we needed to go. If anything, Mum and Father were equally disappointed in each other for the other's actions.
As the track marks inched their way up your arm
My mother taught my brothers and I not to call you daddy
But to call you father
Though, I still wanted to know stuff about my father. I really did. I didn't know him that well, seeing as we were both under ten years old when the divorce proceedings were finished, and Mum wanted us to forget about the man who had abandoned us. We did, at least as far as she could tell.
But I believe there is something here to be learnt of grace
'Cause I can't help but love you
Even with a heart that breaks
Like the promises that you made
I got off the stage. I recieved pats on the back and hugs from my family and friends. Even if I did want to know about him, I really did doubt that he cared.
- - -
Author's Note: Wow, I just cannot write fanfiction lately. This one took me like two months to complete.
Date Finished: Friday, May 29, 2009 ; 6:17:16 AM