This was supposed to be a quick PWP-drabble but somehow ended up being a massive Plot with Porn instead. And as I said in the summary: this is mainly a Sam/Cas/Dean fic, so there will be small allusions to incest (kissing etc.) between brothers. If this is not your thing please don't read.
I have no idea how this even happened. I am such a hardcore Destiel shipper but this idea would just not leave me alone, so I just gave in and wrote it.
It has a lot more Sam/Cas interaction in it than I had originally planned but I went with where the characters took me. (Also the ending is kind of open but more leaning towards Destiel, just thought I better point this out to avoid possible disappointment)
Also, it looks like I am being real hard and unfair on Dean here but I love him with a passion! I just believe that Dean can be his own worst enemy at the best of times and this fic came into being around this concept.
The title is taken from the song by Mumford & Sons, which I listed to while writing this and it seemed to fit rather well.
Awake My Soul
"Cas, are you ok?" Sam asked standing in the door of the room Cas had retreated to. Sam wouldn't be able to count the amount of times he had asked the fallen angel this question over the last two months, even if he wanted to. And as much as he already knew what Cas' answer would be (the same as the last umpteen times), he knew it was a load of bull. A rehearsed response, and unfortunately most likely something he had picked up from Dean, the master of repression. But for all intense and purpose Cas looked like he had finally gone catatonic, sitting on the floor hugging his legs and staring at his hands. Dean's last outburst from only moments ago seemed to have been the final straw that broke the camel's back.
Sam had observed Cas getting from bad to worse over the last couple of weeks. Couldn't help but notice how Cas drew more into himself with each passing day of feeling like he didn't belong anywhere. How he talked less and less, after every new argument with Dean, while at the same time seemed deprived and desperate for any form of human contact. Well, the contact of one human in particular but that human kept pushing him away. Dean was clearly unable to deal with what was so apparent to see as far a Sam was concerned. That he cared for Cas more than he would be able to admit. And it was clear as day that Dean was unable to cope. Sam knew how Dean worked but with this he felt out of his depth to help as Dean was now starting to pull away from him too.
But Cas was really just like a pawn in this game they had locked themselves into. Being pushed and tossed in all directions by his own grief, guilt and the rejection. Most of all by his feeling of not being good enough anymore now that he was human. Cas had never really said as much, but being human also meant finding it hard to mask his emotions. Sam could see it written all over Cas face. The way his world collapsed in on him a bit more each day.
And the one person who would possibly be able to anchor him, to offer him any kind of hope and a reason for carrying on was pushing him away. It was like the more Cas asked for any kind of connection the more Dean pulled removed himself, too preoccupied with his own misgivings and hurt and with the excuse of having to look after Sam. And Sam didn't like to be used as a shield! As an excuse to be brought up every time Cas would crave some help or comfort in any way.
In fact physically Sam was recovering better than could have been expected, so there was less and less need for Dean to hover and play mother hen. But emotionally he was exhausted, felt almost as lost as Cas sometimes. Felt like suddenly he had to be the one holding it all together and he didn't know whether he would be able to. He still felt drained from everything he had had to admit and face up to for the trials. And he had let it go, all the past hurts and hang-up, just like Dean had asked of him but now there seemed to be just a big nothing in its place. And he knew he really had to find his own way of filling his life with meaning again, but he really would love to be able to talk to his brother about it. Sam could only guess how deep the emotional turmoil was Dean was in for him to completely shut down. This degree of suppression Sam hadn't experienced from Dean in a very long time.
But despite feeling lost, Sam had a lifetime of experience of dealing with these emotions, and so did Dean, whether he wanted to deal or not. But Cas, Cas had it all thrust upon him in that one moment when his grace had been stolen from him.
Sam had always been a big advocate to opening up about your feeling to somebody and he knew Cas needed to open up real bad, before he would implode. And as Dean was currently unavailable Sam was determined to fill that role as best as he could. He had the whole 'Cas you need to talk to me' speech rehearsed and ready in his head so when Cas simply stated, "No not really", it floored Sam. Figuratively speaking and literally as he scrambled and sank down to the floor next to Cas so fast he was feeling dizzy for a second. Cas didn't look up at him but Sam could feel him flinch and go rigid. Shit, was that was he had learned in his short life of being human? To be scared of closeness and physical contact?
And he knew that he was being unfair, as Dean was also hurting, but at that instant he wanted to punch Dean for being so stuck up about his feelings for Cas that he did not realise the immense damage he was causing. Cas was really like a starved confused child in a way. And afraid, so very afraid of the things he just couldn't understand. Why couldn't Dean see it?
"Cas, it's ok. I'm not going to push you away." Sam supplied in a soft voice lifting up his arm, inviting Cas in for a long overdue hug. So far he had restrained himself because he hadn't wanted to interfere but it looked like this was just what Cas would need. Plus honestly, now that he was sitting here so close and could feel the nice warm body heat of another human being, he realised how much he had been missing some good old fashioned human contact. Sam really wanted to grab him and hug him tight but he had no idea how Cas would take that. So he held his arm up and smiled at Cas who after a moment at least looked up from the floor and at Sam.
Sam could see the cogs in Cas' head turning as he tried to decipher the gesture but then he leaned in and moulded himself against Sam's chest burying his head in the crook of his neck and letting out a chocked sound somewhere between a sigh and a sob and it went straight to Sam's heart.
Sam wrapped his arm around Cas' shoulder and pulled him in more.
"Talk to me Cas, please, I'm really worried about you," he whispered as his head came to rest on top of Cas' burying his lips in Cas' dark mussed hair, and feeling Cas shudder under him. But rather than pulling away he only pulled Cas closer. He could feel Cas was close to finally breaking, in a good way that was. To finally talk.
"You're safe with me, promise. I just …" Sam was cut of by a deep sigh and another body shudder.
"Sam … I … Everything feels pointless and I'm just lost, I feel so lost. like there is just this big hole inside of me and I know I'm breathing but… I just feel dead … I … I don't know if I can carry on. If I even want to carry on." Cas chocked out as he grabbed hold of Sam by his waist and held on for dear life.
"Cas, no!" Sam almost yelled and hated himself for it immediately as he startled Cas.
"No, don't ever say something like that, please." He now had both arms around Cas and might quite possibly crush him he held him so tight but Cas didn't seem to complain in fact he only pulled himself closer against Sam. He really didn't know what else to say, he had no idea that Cas had fallen into that deep despair. And how long had he felt like this and not told anyone. God, no one would be able to carry something like this on their own.
"Cas…" he breathed against Cas'' hair and without thinking placed a gentle peck where his lips met with the dark strands.
"I don't know what it must feel like losing what you had but … please let us help you, let me help you."
"What could you possibly do to make this better Sam?" Cas mumbled into Sam's shirt.
"I … honestly … I don't know. Be here for you… try to get some help. There are people who deal with that sort of stuff. I mean you're human now and you're clearly depressed and…"
"And tell them what? That I'm a fallen angel and that I can't deal with being a mere mortal?" Cas stated dryly almost for a second sounding like his old self.
Sam couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. "Ok, putting it like that … they might actually put you in an asylum - again!" And god, he could curse himself for bringing this up now but a second later he was relieved when Cas in return let out a small huff of laughter himself.
"That is one establishment I do not wish to frequent again any time soon." he chuckled, letting out an exhale of hot air that Sam could feel against his skin like fire and for some reason he could feel the hairs at the end of his neck stand and his breath hitch. Suddenly he became painfully aware of just how close they had gravitated over the last few minutes. Cas had his whole body turned towards him now and one leg draped over Sam's own, pressed tightly into his side. They were tangled up in each other's arms and Sam had one of his hands gently stroking through Cas' hair. He removed his hand so fast like it was being burned and held his breath as his mind was reeling trying to come up with an apology for his behaviour.
But then Cas looked up at him, with those impossible blue eyes, shining with unshed tears and sad. And Sam saw a resignation in them. The knowledge that Sam didn't really want to be here and hold on to him, despite him having said that he would. He could feel Cas starting to loosen his grip on him, ready to pull away.
And the way Cas' gaze fell upon him before he turned his eyes down did something to Sam, deep down in a place inside of him, and on impulse Sam brought his hand up to Cas' chin and lifted his head up so he had to face him again.
"I'm not letting you go." Sam said softly but with determination and Cas, after studying his face for a moment and seeing the sincerity therein, nodded his head in understanding.
Sam afterwards would swear that he had no idea why he did what he did next, maybe it was meant to be like a kiss to seal the 'deal' but it was like this force was pulling him in, as he first stared into Cas' eyes and then at his lips and then back at his eyes. Cas was holding his gaze and they were starting to go cross eyed as Sam slowly closed the distance and gently pressed his lips against Cas' own.
Cas eyes fluttered close at the contact and he let out a whimper that held so much need, so much desperation in it that Sam instead of doing the wise thing and pulling away, tangled his hands in the back of Cas' hair and pulled him closer deepening the peck into a proper kiss. Cas remained unresponsive for a few seconds before his lips started to move in sync with Sam's and one of his hands moved up from where it was still resting on Sam's back and tangled itself in Sam's long hair.
"What the fuck?" A voice yelled and Sam and Cas jumped apart, lips still moist and swollen and looking into the wide, livid eyes of Dean, standing in the door Sam had forgot to close earlier.
"Dean!" both exclaimed in unison.
"Shit!" Sam cursed under his breath as he scrambled to his feet and after Dean who already was heading for the front door through the hallway. Cas could not move, even though he wanted nothing more than to run after Dean and explain. But it was like his body was not his own, unwilling to follow his commands. He sunk in on himself instead and that deep black hole that for a second seemed like it had disappeared was back and sucking him in.
"Dean, WAIT!" Sam was yelling and he finally caught up with Dean and holding him back by his shoulder.
"You bastard." Dean shouted back as he shrugged Sam's hand off his shoulder and pushed him back.
"Look, I'm really sorry, it wasn't what it looked like…" Sam stumbled over his words faster than they could form in his mouth.
"No you were just checking his tonsils … At least spare me the platitudes!" Dean yelled, anger spilling over in his voice.
"So ok … it was but … honestly it was not … Cas was just … he needed to talk and … I mean him and me are not…"
"And what makes you think I give a shit that you suddenly decided to go gay? To each their own I say. Just …" Dean rolled his eyes trying to put some much needed disgust behind his look.
"Oh no … we're not having this discussion about "gays" and your hang-ups now … when there is a more important one we absolutely NEED to have."
"So what, you're telling me you like dick now?" Dean bellowed regardless, clearly ignoring what Sam was referring to.
"Would it make you feel better if I said yes? Or would it make you feel more of a coward for running away from your own emotions this whole time?" Sam shouted, being literally in Dean's face and the next thing he felt was Dean's fist connecting with his jaw.
"Fuck you Sam!" Dean said through gritted teeth, as he shook his fist out in the aftershock of the pain.
"You feel better now? Feel like a real man?" Sam winced as he rubbed his sore jaw.
"Don't you dare touch him again!" Dean hissed.
"Why? Give me one good reason." Sam had found his footing again and was walking back up into Dean's personal space. He wanted an answer. Felt, if he just pushed Dean a bit more he would get him there. Wanted for Dean to just finally say it.
"Just … you just don't, ok!" Dean was still yelling but he suddenly seemed flustered and hot and like he wanted to flee.
"Well, you can't even fucking say it. Can you?" Sam mocked; he was tired of Dean's bullshit. If he could only finally grow a pair and jump over his shadow and admit what Sam already knew to be true.
"Say what?" Dean tried to deflect with a quick snippy remark.
"That you, have feelings for him … that you love him." Sam simply stated like it was a well known fact.
"… No… NO! I don't!" Dean yelled panicked.
Sam's eyes grew wide as he suddenly stared behind Dean and Dean turned around and looked into Cas' bloodshot blue eyes. Cas was staring at him with sadness but acceptance.
"CAS" Sam called out.
"Fuck!" Dean shouted, staring at Cas and then back at Sam. Everything around him was going blurry as the full force of what he had just said hit him straight on. But try as he might he was not able to retract his comment. The sheer thought of it and the implications thereof still sounded too foreign in his head. Too much against everything he had ever believed about himself.
"You know what? You don't fucking deserve him if you can't even admit it!" Sam yelled at Dean when it became apparent that he was not following up his outburst with any explanation.
"Fuck you Sam." Dean gritted out before storming off.
"Where the hell you're going?" Sam shouted after him.
"Get drunk and maybe get laid!" he yelled back before slamming the door shut and he didn't hear Sam's sarcastic "Let me know how regression works out for you."
Cas was leaning against the wall, white as a sheet and looking at Sam. Sam's heart just broke for Cas. He would do anything to wipe that look of loss and betrayal off Cas' face. He watched frozen to the spot, as Cas shook his head, wiping a tear from his cheek and left, heading into the direction of his bedroom.
"Cas, wait!" Sam yelled and finally moved and went after him, following him into his room. Cas was sitting on his bed and not even trying to hide his tears. Or maybe really just not able to. Same difference at this stage from where Sam was standing. He didn't even ask for permission this time but went straight up to the bed and sat down next to Cas and wrapped his big strong arms around the man's shaking body.
"I'm so sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry you had to hear this and …"
"Sam, stop apologizing. None of this is your fault. And…" Cas gulped audibly. "Maybe it's for the better, now I know at least."
"You know he doesn't mean it. That really, he cares for you." Sam said soothingly, holding onto Cas and rubbing circles in his back.
"It doesn't even matter anymore at this stage. I don't want him to be uncomfortable, not over me." Cas stated and let his head come to rest fully against Sam's shoulder. Sam could hear the way Cas tried desperately to get his breathing under control.
"Cas, what can I do?" Sam whispered into Cas ear as he pulled him closer still.
"You're doing it." Cas simply answered, sniffing and rubbing his face against Sam's shirt.
"Sorry" he mumbled and wiped at Sam's shirt.
"I don't mind. Whatever you need Cas. It's an old shirt anyway." Sam placed one of his hands on the back of Cas' head and gently pressed him back into his chest, following up his words with the gesture. He could feel Cas begin to relax against him, could feel the tense muscles in his shoulders ease as he kept on rubbing them.
"'S'nice!" Cas hummed, enjoying the sensation of Sam's hand against his back and the warmth the small circles he place on it created. And he wanted to reciprocate. Wanted to touch Sam as well. He nervously moved his hand up and into Sam's hair, playing with the long locks at the back of his neck. He smiled contentedly when he felt Sam lean into the touch and moved his head slightly to the side for Cas' hand to be able to get better access.
Sam's head was starting to spin. For the second time that evening he could feel his hairs standing on edge and a shiver run through his body and he chased Cas' touch in his hair by moving himself closer to the source. Shit, this reaction to Cas had not been in his plans when he had decided to finally get the fallen angel to open up to him. Then again, he hadn't planned on any of this to happen and to go so horribly wrong. Maybe he should just give up planning altogether.
"Sam…" Cas whimpered against his neck. Sam could feel the slight move of lips against his skin and it felt electric. He tried not to focus on it though as he could still hear the broken off sobs in Cas' voice.
"Shh… I'm here! Not going anywhere!" he soothed him, scooting back further onto the bed and pulling Cas with him. Cas followed willingly and before too long found himself straddling Sam's outstretched long legs, wrapping his own legs around his waist and his arms tight around his upper torso. Sam's arms were clinging to Cas with equal strength and they stayed like that for what felt like an eternity. Just feeling each other's chest rise and fall which each exhale until Cas' breath evened out and they were breathing in unison. Hands were leisurely moving and stroking over backs and shoulders and up and down arms where fingertip met skin. Both jumped a little bit at the unexpected contact, only to do it again and thumbs were brushing tenderly against knuckles before their hands interlinked and their eyes met again.
Cas' eyes were beautiful, Sam thought. Despite him being human now his eyes still held the depth of someone who had lived a long and painful life. In Cas' case literally an eternity Sam thought. He brought his free hand up and stroked along Cas' jaw and up towards his cheek and swiped his thumb over one of Cas' eyebrows while he continued to study Cas' mesmerizing eyes with his own.
Cas let his eyelids fall close and moved his head forward and into the touch. Sam's pulse sped up uncontrollably at the way Cas responded to him. How he seemed to trust him. He brought his lips to the lower part of Cas' neck where it meets with the shoulder and started to nibble at the skin there, feeling the strong hard pulse of Cas jugular against his lips. By the feel of it Cas' heartbeat had also increased considerably. Cas moaned and started to pepper the top of Sam's head and then down his face with little kisses before finally their lips met again. Sam could feel himself quiver at the contact and then they were kissing. Cas was opening his mouth against Sam's as if to invite him in and Sam's tongue flicked out and met Cas' own in a slow and lazy, tentative kiss. Tongues hardly touched, only the tips toying and playing before pulling back and they were just moving open lips against open lips again.
Cas was starting to get lost in all this sensation. It was like he was floating. He had always assumed this whole being intimate with someone would have to be rather spectacular. Otherwise why would humans keep doing it? But feeling like this was also freaking him out. For one thing it was not Dean that was able to make him feel like this. And he had for a long time assumed it would just be Dean that he would want to engage in this kind of behaviour with. But worse! It was like he had lost control over his body. He could feel the blood rushing south and into his cock that was by now painfully straining against his pants. Could feel himself go dizzy from the lack of oxygen to his brain, as he had held his breath while kissing. Could feel every brush of lips and hands amplified by a thousand as the nerve endings were firing on all cylinders. As on instinct his body started to move and rock in Sam's lap and it felt good, oh so good.
"Oh god Cas!" Sam moaned and jerked back against Cas, as on one particularly forward motion Cas' erection brushed against his own. "Where did you learn to move like that?"
"I don't know." Cas replied truthfully. "It seems like this is what this body wants to do. Is it not pleasurable?" he added suddenly sounding very self-conscious.
"Oh god no … I mean YES!" Sam panted. "It is very much so. Just…" And he grabbed Cas by the waist to still him. "Is this….? I mean … you don't really want me, Cas…!" Sam hated himself for saying it, as he very much wanted to continue with whatever it was they were doing, but there was no way he would just take advantage of Cas' weakened state like that.
Cas looked up at him bemused for a second before he started to smile. "I think … my body begs to differ." He said with that dry wit of his. "It's like … it's on fire Sam! I feel … it feels good … but … what do I do?"
"Cas… you're sure? I could … we … only if you wanted me to …" And still a part of Sam was saying that he shouldn't. That he would be taking something that didn't belong to him but a bigger part of him was yelling at him to stop thinking and to just go with what feels right.
"Yes!" Cas breathed against his ear and grabbed Sam's hands off his waist and started to slowly move again and if Sam still had had any reservations they went out the window that very second.
He attacked Cas' mouth with his own, not trying to hold back his desire anymore and Cas responded in likeness.
A knock made them pull apart and look around and their eyes came to rest on a very distraught looking Dean who was standing in the doorway. He didn't look angry, but more like he had downed a fair amount of alcohol in a rather short amount of time and like he clearly had been crying. A fact he was not even trying to hide as he looked at them. Sam and Cas didn't separate, couldn't even if they wanted to, but just stared back at Dean; lost for words.
It was Dean who moved first. He looked at them with such intensity it made them both take in a breath and walked straight up to the bed where he said himself down on the edge, and met their eyes in turn.
"I'm … Sam … I'm so sorry." He said as his hand moved up to skirt along the bruise that was forming on his jaw. "I shouldn't have hit you. You were right."
"Dean…" Sam's voice broke as he said his name. He suddenly felt nothing but compassing and love for his brother and immense guilt. "It's ok. I was being an ass and…"
"No Sam! Please! Let me finish before I lose my courage again! You're right! I am a coward." And with that he turned to face Cas, eyes still shining and one single tear rolling down his cheek. "Cas … I … I don't even know what to say … sorry doesn't even come close to cover it … I hate myself for everything I did and said but … Sam was right. I … think I love you and …" He had to stop to take in a gulp of air. Cas' eyes were fixed on him with that intensity only Cas could muster.
"I … I was … I am too afraid to show it … you know … and …" he looked up at Sam again. "I promise I won't stand between whatever it is you two have found here with each other but … I just wanted to be honest for once … I know I've blown it and … just …"
"Dean, stop!" Sam called out, making Dean jerk and look at him. "Don't do this please." he pleaded. "Don't put everyone else first like you always do. What is it you want?" he asked smiling sadly at Dean, begging him with his eyes not to just disappear, to just be brave and maybe selfish for once. Even while it hurt him to think that that would mean that he would have to let go of Cas now.
"I…" Dean stammered looking at Sam for a moment before turning his gaze to rest on Cas. Cas was in a state somewhere between elation and mortification if his face was anything to go by and he stared at Dean, licking his lips nervously and breathing too fast and too shallowly. Dean let his eyes briefly flick down to Cas' lips. 'What did he want?' Putting all reason and logic aside, it came down to just Cas! The next moment he pushed himself up and grabbed Cas' face with both hands, kissing him passionately. The kiss was so fierce and full of everything he had never been able to say that it was almost painful but Cas yielded and let Dean just take what he needed. Cas was still straddling Sam and held on tight to Sam's hand in his. His head turning to mush under Dean's lips. But when he could feel Sam let go of his hand he reached for it and grabbed on tight and detached himself form Dean's lips.
"Sam, no! Stay!" He begged looking at Sam. He had given up to try and make sense of whatever it was that was going on here about half an hour ago and he was positively still in shock that Dean admitted to loving him and then follow it up with the best kiss he could ever imagine getting. But at the same time to just let Sam go now, after everything that he had done for him and what they had just experienced with each other, just felt plain wrong.
Sam looked at him perplexed but wasn't able to hide the relief in his eyes.
"Please!" Cas asked at no one in particular and both at the same time. Sam shifted his gaze to look at Dean who in turn looked between Cas and Sam, trying to understand what was happening. He raised his eyebrows in an unspoken question. Did Cas want both of them? Did Sam even want Cas? Well, by what he had just witnessed that would be a definite yes! And above all it shocked him that he was even contemplating the idea of where this was no doubt heading should he agree on Sam staying. Would he be able to share Cas with someone and his brother of all people?
But Cas looked so certain when he had asked Sam to stay despite kissing him like his life depended on it only moments ago. Dean was pretty sure Cas cared deeply for him, most likely loved him back. He had suspected for a long time. But he was not sure what he felt for Sam. This had never been part of any equation in Dean's head! But part of him felt he had no right to send Sam away now. Not after how he had taken care of Cas when he himself didn't. And not if it might mean risking losing Cas if he did. Now that he had finally broken down that wall he realised how much he wanted, needed Cas close. He could not even think about a possibility of not having him. And surely having half of Cas would be better than having none of Cas! Before he could doubt himself, he simply nodded and then almost burst out laughing at the comically big eyes his brother sprouted in return.
Cas smiled at Dean so openly and with so much gratitude that Dean knew instantly he made the right decision. He turned to kiss Dean again while his hands wrapped around Sam's waist, making sure he would stay close. After a moment he turned and beamed at Sam, leaning in for another kiss. Dean took that moment to climb up behind Cas. He flung one of his legs across Sam's outstretched ones, straddling his brother and moulding his chest against Cas' back. Cas moved back against him and brought one of his hands up behind him pulling Dean in closer by his neck. Dean let himself be pulled in and started to lick and suck across Cas' neck, building up the suction until he knew it would leave a big bruise.
Sam was kissing Cas, all tongue and teeth and probably way too much spittle, while still processing what was actually going on. He honestly could say that he had never ever thought of Cas in this way before today but something had changed and now he wouldn't want to stop for anything. He wanted Cas. He would have stopped of course, if Dean would have asked it of him. In fact if Cas hadn't held him back he would probably be marinating himself with whiskey in the kitchen by now. And he had actually expected Dean to say no, but once he gave his ok Sam couldn't stop. His hands needed to touch, needed to feel Cas' skin and he had worked his way under his shirt and was exploring the warm soft skin, letting his hands brush across his chest and along each rib. He then brushed against his nipples which made Cas almost buck off his lap if it hadn't been for Dean who was tightly pressed against his back and grabbed him tight. Cas let out a litany of broken off sobs and words too hard to understand as Sam took the nipple between his fingers again while Dean sucked another mark onto the back of his neck.
Cas turned his head enough to capture Dean's lips in another kiss and grew bolder in dictating the strength and intensity of it. Dean's moan went straight to his groin which felt like it was churning. A sensation that startled Cas.
He could now feel both Dean's and Sam's hands on his body. Dean was working them up and down his back and shoulder and Sam was still caressing his chest and nipples while mouthing at his chin.
Cas didn't know what to do with his hands. One was still resting on Sam's waist and the other one was behind him trying to get at any part of Dean he could possibly reach. He was of unable to move properly with being wedged between the two brothers who enclosed him almost completely on all fronts. Cas was working hard at not simply falling apart too quickly under the onslaught of sensations and feelings he was experiencing.
Dean's and Sam's hand moved across the right hipbone of Cas at the same time and their fingers met. But instead of being shocked or appalled they both grabbed hold of the other. Sam gave Dean's hand a big squeeze, it was meant to be a sign of support. He was overwhelmingly happy for Dean to finally have made it to this stage of telling Cas how he felt. And the how they ended up here all tangled up together really didn't matter anymore. Dean squeezed back while kissing along Cas' ear, and then down his jaw making his way slowly towards Cas' lips. Cas at this stage had let his head fall back against Dean's shoulder and had exposed his neck for Sam to take advantage of. Sam was licking around his Adam's apple and enjoying the feel of stubble against his tongue. If was so different, rougher than feeling the smooth skin of a woman but to Sam's surprise he found it rather arousing.
Sam and Dean didn't pay attention what the other was doing, too focussed on exploring Cas and eliciting those delicious sounds from him. Before he realised or could change direction, Sam bumped into Dean's cheek with his nose as he was trying to kiss his way up Cas' neck. They stopped startled for a second as they eyes met but then Dean smiled at him and mouthed a "thank you" at Sam and Sam leaned slightly across in what was only supposed to be a 'you're welcome' peck on the cheek but Dean must have misread it as he moved his head ever so slightly and instead of his cheek Sam caught Dean's lips with his own. Sam froze on the spot but didn't move away, not even sure he wanted to. And then Dean brought one of his hands up and pulled him in and slipped his tongue into his mouth and Sam's stomach coiled tight at the overwhelming sensation. He couldn't help but moan into Dean's mouth and kiss back and then just as suddenly as he had been there, Dean was gone again. Sam opened his eyes not sure what he would see in Dean's face but he was genuinely smiling, giving Sam's hand another squeeze and Sam let out a breath he had been holding and returned the gesture.
Cas had his eyes open and was watching the brothers intensely. He had no idea what he felt when he saw them kissing, words were failing him but he knew he was happy that they were happy. Before he could analyse further he felt both sets of lips back on him and the only choice he had to make was who to kiss back first.
Dean was pulling and tugging at Cas' shirt and trying to get it off of him.
"Cas! Arms up!" he growled as he let his frustration with the garment show. Cas obeyed and Dean eagerly pulled it off and threw it across his room before quickly following with his own shirt and giving Sam a silent command with his eyes to do the same. Sam didn't need telling twice and unbuttoned his shirt quickly and threw it off his shoulders and then pulling off his tee and throwing it in the general direction of the floor.
As much as Sam loved having Cas this close and finally being able to feel their naked chests rub together, his legs were starting to feel the strain of the weight of two grown men and he needed desperately to change position.
"Guys…" he said while teased along Cas' chest with his tongue. "My legs…"
"What?" Dean teased. "Are we too much for you?"
"Too much my ass," Sam chuckled. "How about we straddle you for the next half an hour and see how your legs like it?"
"I was hoping we would be doing more than that in half an hour" Dean smirked and then, almost like he only just realised the implication of what he had said, stopped still and looked at Cas and Sam.
He gulped, suddenly looking like a deer in headlights. "Are we … I mean … are we really going to do this?"
"YES!" It was Cas who answered for them. And he sounded so confident, so full of lust and enthusiasm and plain want that Dean wouldn't have dared to argue with him. Sam was smiling goofily and his eyes were dark and lust blown. And then just before maybe Dean could filter through his own desire and arousal long enough to try and make sense of this whole surreal situation Cas grabbed him and kissed him and Sam started to suck on his neck and all he could croak out was a needy "ok!"
Sam bucked his legs in a silent reminder that he really, really needed them to move before his legs would die and reluctantly first Dean and then Cas climbed off of him. Sam had to stand up for a second to stretch out his legs and shake out his pins and needles. Dean used the time to lie back onto the bed and pull Cas on top of him, who eagerly followed and pressed himself against Dean's broad chest. Dean let his hands explore the expanse of Cas back, feeling the muscles roll and move under the skin as Cas was starting to move his hips in a circular motion, rubbing his erection against Dean's now very obvious hard-on. Dean grabbed hold of Cas' waist, drawing him in closer, needing to feel more of that luscious friction.
"Oh fuck! Cas! Keep doing that!" he grunted as his own hips started to move. He felt the bed dip and then Sam was lying next to them, pressing himself against both their bodies and kissing along Cas' shoulder.
"I'd say too many clothes!" Sam muttered into Cas' skin while his hands found their way into the waistband of his trousers and gave one of the cheeks a gentle squeeze.
"Sam!" Cas groaned moving his ass back against Sam's hand and Dean followed the whereabouts of Sam's hands with his gaze and then added his own hand, needing to feel for himself.
"Sit up!" Dean said pushing at Cas' chest and then making quick work of his belt buckle, button and zipper.
Sam then took hold of Cas, gently grabbing Cas by his shoulders and moving him back onto the mattress, instructing him to "lie back,!" before pulling off his trousers and boxers in one swift move.
Cas felt very exposed all of a sudden. He was not used to share his naked form with anyone and definitely not one that was clearly very, very aroused.
Dean picked up on the slight uncomfortable shift and the way Cas' hand tried to cover his cock.
"Cas, relax, " he breathed into his ear as he moved his hand away and just took time to look at him.
"You're so beautiful!" He said and heard Sam hum in agreement from somewhere behind him.
Cas could feel his cheeks heat at the compliment. "Maybe it would help me to relax if I wasn't the only one being exposed like this." He said looking back between Sam and Dean. Sam was already one step ahead and was stepping out of his trousers and then pulling his boxers down before climbing onto the bed and resting himself on top of Cas and licking his way up and down his torso. His hands were stroking along Cas' thigh but as for now avoiding his cock. Not that he wasn't curious about touching it. But he felt he should leave that privilege to Dean. It felt right for Dean to be the first one to touch Cas there, like that. But he hoped Dean would hurry up in undressing and joining them again because he could feel himself getting beyond aroused to the point where he just wanted to feel. Just wanted to take what he could get and come. And oh, they would need some supplies he suddenly remembered.
"Dean, you got lube?" he asked not taking his eyes of Cas who was panting hard and had delectable beads of sweat building up on his eyebrow which Sam wanted to lick off real badly. Dean had just come to sit between Cas legs and started to stroke along the inside of Cas' calves up to the knee joint with every intention to move his hands up further.
"What?" Dean sounded surprised.
"Lube… you know… we need lube… well I assumed you and Cas wanted to …"
"Oh … OH … right … Hmm… honestly…" Dean face started to heat up, even as he distracted himself by focusing on giving Cas' legs some more attention.
"I don't actually really know how this is supposed to work." Dean admitted finally and just for a moment sounded so young and inexperienced, something Sam would have had trouble to ever associate with his brother until now.
Cas lifted his head up of the mattress, looking at him and actually grinned. And Dean didn't know whether to punch him or kiss him, smug bastard!
"I think that makes two of us!" he added in terms of an explanation, sounding relived. And of course, Dean reminded himself. If he was nervous about this then Cas was most likely petrified. It had been a very, very long time but Dean remembered the jitters he had before his first time, and that wasn't anything even remotely like this, and definitely not with someone, well, technically two people, he had actual feelings for.
"Ok!" Sam exclaimed getting both their attention.
"Dean… lube… now!"
Dean quirked an eyebrow at the unexpected bossy tone in his brother's voice.
"Why do I get the feeling YOU actually know what you're talking about?" he asked half amused half confused.
"I…do!" Sam stated matter of factly and enjoyed the look on Dean's face. "I mean, I had gay friends back in Stanford and you know… as you always say 'I'm too curious for my own good.' I did enquire about the mechanics of guy on guy sex so … yeah… lube is very important!"
"Ok… so lube… yeah!" Dean said while giving Sam one of his "still judging you" grins.
Cas was resting on his elbows and watched the brother's little exchange with amusement and let out a chuckle when shortly after Dean basically jumped off the bed and raced out of the room.
Sam laughed too and climbed back onto the bed, where Cas was inviting him in and they started kissing again leisurely, not wanting to rush anything until Dean got back.
Dean returned a few minutes later and flopped himself down back between Cas' legs and leaned in over him. "S'xcuse me" he said as he gave Sam's ear a quick playful nibble. Sam got the hint and moved enough for Dean to be able to cover Cas lips with his own for a quick passionate kiss then making way for Sam again as he settled properly between Cas' legs, nervously toying with the lube in his hands. They hadn't talked about who would be doing who so to speak.
"Cas… erhm… do you want me to … or do you want to…?" And was this even realistically an option if Cas wanted to? And where would Sam fit into all of this?
"As I have no idea what I should be doing, I was kind of hoping you would show me?" Cas stammered, unsure and nervous, reminding Dean that he was now human just like them, with the full array of emotions that came with that.
"Ok, I will take care of you," Dean said and then quickly corrected himself. "WE … will take care of you." Sam nodded and placed a quick kiss on Cas' head before reaching over and snatching the lube out of Dean's hand.
"Cas, relax … and if something doesn't feel good you let us know right?" Sam instructed and Cas nodded, eyes already close and his hands fisted in the sheets in anticipation of what was to come.
"Here Dean" Sam said as he opened the lid of the lube and put some of it on Dean's fingers. "You will need to stretch Cas and make sure he is well lubricated before you will be able to enter him."
Dean looked at the dollop of lube on his fingers and then at Sam and then at Cas. He let his eyes wander over his body until it came to rest on his cock and then to just below that. His hand trembled as he slowly brought it down between Cas' legs.
"Cas move your leg up please" he said tenderly and nudged the leg he wanted him to move with the back of his hand. Cas complied and moved the leg out to the side giving Dean easier access. He brushed his fingers tentatively against Cas entrance, really more to just get a feel and calm his own nerves than with the intention of going in straight away but then Cas had to make this obscene sound at the contact and that was all the encouragement Dean needed. He wanted to make Cas feel amazing. To make him fall apart and show him how much he meant to him. Without further apprehension he pushed his middle finger inside and could feel Cas go tense around him.
"Sh, Cas, I got you!" he said as he stilled his hand and placed little kisses along his thigh.
Sam who until now had just been watching brought his own hand up and caressed Cas' hipbone.
"Dean," he said timidly, not sure he should ask for this. But he had another idea of how to help Cas relax.
"Yeah?"
"I think it would help … I mean … I would like to… " Go on Sam! Just say it! "… suck his cock while you prepare him. I think it would really help him to relax."
"Fuck me, Sammy!" Dean groaned, his voice having gone to a whole new level of deep. Just the visual in his mind was enough to make his cock jump in excitement.
"If it's ok with Cas, yes!" he said and wanting to underline the fact that he was totally ok with this he leaned in and captured Sam in another kiss. This time with proper tongue and Sam let his own tongue flick out and kiss back eagerly.
By the blissed out look on Cas' face, he was in no real position to make any kind of judgement call so Sam decided to go for it and hope Cas would let them know if he was not ok with it.
But he needn't have worried as the second his tongue came in contact with the head of Cas' cock, Cas let out a filthy gravelly "Sam, oh my god" and one of his hands found Sam's head and fisted itself in his hair, pulling and tugging at it and Sam liked this very much, moaning appreciatively around Cas' cock.
Dean watched mesmerized for a moment as his little brother's tongue flicked out and teased along Cas' erection before taking him into his mouth and starting to experimentally bob his head up and down it. He had no idea watching one dude suck another one's dick could be so hot but for one thing it was Cas' dick and he had to accept the fact that when it came to Cas apparently everything turned him on. And ok, that the other dude was his brother should really freak him out. This was so far from normal. But then again, they never did normal very well so to hell with it.
By the way Cas was moaning and wriggling Dean could only assume that he was close and of course, he would be. It would be his first orgasm, at least as far as Dean was aware and honestly he couldn't wait to see his face. Dean started to slowly move the finger he still had inside of Cas out and then in again. It seemed to go easier now and he quickly added a second and a third and some more lube and just moved around and tried to come up with the best way of doing this as he still felt like he was flying blind.
Sam was getting more comfortable and adventurous with his oral administrations and now was massaging one of Cas' balls while sucking hard on his cock and Dean could feel the brush of Sam's hand against his own. Cas was mumbling in what could only be Enochian and rocking his head from side to side as he could feel a heat building up inside every fibre of his body and he knew that he must be what they call 'close' as really there wasn't much left for his body to do other than to explode.
He moaned Sam's name as he grabbed his hair tight and with one more flick of Sam's tongue came hard and spilled into Sam's mouth.
Sam was too shocked by Cas' sudden release to pull away in time and decided the best move would be to swallow it all while working Cas through his orgasm.
Dean could feel Cas clench hard around his fingers as he came and he really couldn't hold back any longer. If this felt this good just around his fingers he needed to feel it for real now.
Cas was panting hard and still had his eyes closed as Sam let his softening cock fall from his lips and looked at Dean who was lining himself up and flung Cas' legs over his shoulders.
"Cas, talk to me, you ok?" Dean asked stilling for a second, which really took all the willpower he had left.
Cas grunted but smiled which was all the ok Dean needed and he slowly pushed in and was met with only minimal resistance and after a moment could push all the way in. He had to still himself though and take a few deep breaths as otherwise this would be over embarrassingly quickly. It felt so good. He had dreamed about this moment for a long time, even while not admitting it to anyone and to now finally be allowed to have it was almost too much.
He suddenly felt Sam's hand on his back giving him a gentle squeeze as if in understanding, and fuck, his brother really did know him way too well sometimes. He took his eyes off of Cas to look at Sam and Sam smiled and leaned in whispering in his ear. "I'm so happy for you" and Dean could tell he meant it. Shit and now he felt close to crying while trying to have the best momentous sex ever. He nodded and smiled swallowing back his emotions and then refocused his attention on Cas. who was pliantly lying underneath him, blue eyes open and devouring him with his gaze and Dean started to move while keeping his eyes fixed with Cas'.
He started out with slow and shallow thrusts not wanting to hurt Cas but then Cas started to thrust back against him and Dean got bolder and picked up speed grabbing hold of Cas' waist in order to be able to push in harder.
Cas had never felt anything like this. He felt like he was one with Dean and he loved the feeling of being filled up by Dean and feeling every move, every drag of Dean's cock against him. On a few occasions Dean hit this extra sensitive spot inside him that made him see stars and actually had his own cock fill up again.
After a moment Cas took his eyes off of Dean to look for Sam. He was crouching next to them, one hand still on Dean's back and the other one lazily stroking his erection.
"Sam" Cas whimpered and motioned for him to come closer and Sam happily complied.
Sam had decided to just watch and let Dean take over but that was not to say that he wasn't elated when Cas included him again.
"Sam, let me… like you did…" Cas gasped out between thrusts and took hold of Sam's length giving it a hesitant stroke. Sam was so close already just the idea of being in Cas' mouth had him almost come and he scooted himself closer until he was close enough for Cas to take him in.
Cas really had no idea what he was doing here and on top of that Dean was now not holding back and was - what was the term he had heard in one of those pornos? 'Hammering him into the mattress' and Cas had trouble getting Sam into his mouth. He used his hands as an extension and stroked Sam in time with licking and sucking along his head and he could feel Dean's eyes on them and heard a mumbled "fuck, so hot" and then a "Cas … fuck" as he gripped Cas' waist hard with one hand and his other wrapped around Cas' throbbing length and stroked him in time with his own thrusts.
Sam could feel himself getting close and steadied himself with one hand on Cas' chest as his legs were starting to shake from kneeling at a funny angle. He closed his eyes and focussed on the familiar build up and the way Cas' tongue and hand were moving around his cock. Suddenly he could feel Dean's lips on his shoulder, kissing along it. He had leaned in a bit, almost bending Cas in half in the process. Dean's breath was coming out hard and laboured and his moves were getting frantic and with one final deep hard thrust he came and emptied himself inside Cas and with a few more strokes and twists of his wrist took Cas right over the edge with him as hot semen spilled between his hands onto Cas' stomach.
Cas was jolted by the last thrust and the way Dean was filling him up with hot liquid and then by his own almost painful orgasm. He for a moment forgot his focus and nearly bit Sam's cock.
"Teeeth, Cas!'" Sam growled but somehow that little spark of pain was enough to send him over the edge too and he came half into Cas' mouth, half across his face and blacked out for a second.
They both collapsed on top of Cas who was too exhausted to complain. Sam let his fingers trace across the semen that had ended up on Cas' lips before leaning in and licking it off. Dean was about to make one of his usual "dude that's gross" jokes but really, he would be a hypocrite as that was one thing he already had on his lists of things to explore with Cas. Exhausted, Dean fished for one of their discarded shirts to clean them all up as best as he could, as none of them was willing to move and get a towel.
Tiredly they somehow managed to wriggle under the duvet with Cas sandwiched in the middle between them, feeling sated and happy and pressed together tightly, as really this bed had not been made for more than two people. Before long they fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.
When Dean came round the next morning it took him a moment to remember where he was. He could feel a warm body pressed close next to him and heard the muffled voices of Cas and his brother. Whispering clearly as not to wake him. Dean knew it was being sneaky but he kept his eyes closed and tried to listen in on the conversation. Also he still hadn't quite worked out whether this should feel just plain wrong or not, and he just needed a moment to process.
Sam and Cas were talking about last night, funnily not the sex bit but things that happened before. Sam asking Cas if he would be ok now and that he still should think about getting some help. Cas saying he felt better but still not 'right'. There was some shuffling and from what Dean could only guess cuddling going on. The next words out of Sam's mouth chilled Dean to the bones.
"Cas. Please promise me you never think about ending your life again. No matter how dire things seem. You're not useless and…"
"Hold on…" Dean said sounding panicked and his eyes flew open as he stared at Cas.
"You what? Oh my god, Cas!" Dean flung himself on top of him, and grabbed him tight.
"Dean!" Cas said sounding choked as the arm that was not draped under Sam's head came up and held on close to Dean. "Dean, it's ok, honestly. I never would have! I promise. I just… this new world of being human can be a scary place and…"
"Me being a dick and not seeing what was going on with you didn't help…" Dean finished Cas' sentence.
"No, it did not but … you don't need to apologise. I understand. We all have our own battles to fight."
"But not alone anymore!" He placed a kiss on Cas' forehead and turned to face Sam.
"You knew didn't you? You saw it. And you tried to tell me. Sammy, thank you for looking out for Cas when I couldn't."
"Hey, he's family!" Sam stated dryly but his smile betrayed him. And that statement alone should have had them all running for the hills and straight into Awkwardville. They were all in the same bed, cuddling and above all NAKED. And it should have been more than weird! But somehow they all just looked at each other and instead of the anticipated freak-out they simply started to laugh.
Dean had no idea how he ended up here. Only yesterday he was too scared, to repressed to even admit that he had feelings for Cas and now here he was in bed with Cas and his brother. Well probably hell had finally frozen over. Then again they wouldn't be so lucky.
Sam was the first to move when they eventually calmed down again. He placed a quick peck on both Dean's and Cas' foreheads before getting out of bed and started to scramble for his clothes.
"I think I better give you two some time alone." he said smiling, genuinely and warm. Without any hint of misgivings or jealously.
"Sammy, you don't have to…"
"Dean." Sam said. "I loved what we all had last night and thank you for letting me share in it. It was … special … But … I know that you two still have a lot to talk about. And I really … above all I don't want either of you to screw this up! … So that's why I'm leaving now. And I will lock the door if I have to, because … Talk. You. Will!" Sam said as he pulled on his jeans and wrinkled his nose as he gave his shirt a sniff and realised that it must have been his shirt they had used last night for the quick clean up. He tossed it back into the corner and decided to go shirtless for now.
"Sam, thank you." Cas said and lifted himself into a sitting position on his bed and reached for Sam's hand pulling him in for one last kiss and Sam let himself sink into it and enjoy it before pulling away after a moment.
"Yes, thank you dude. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without you." Dean said smirking and also pulled Sam in for what was supposed to be one last kiss.
Sam kissed back tentatively at first. Without the haze of last night he was painfully aware that this was Dean he was kissing. But it still felt nice, and after a moment Sam relaxed into the kiss. Then Dean let him go and gave him one of his trade mark grins.
"So … is this a 'thing' that we do from now on?" Sam asked laughing.
"I don't know…" Dean chuckled. "Would you want it to?" he inquired curiously.
"Honestly … I don't know… maybe?" Sam stuttered suddenly feeling flushed.
"Well, why don't we make it up as we go along then?" Dean offered and Cas gave an affirmative nod at that.
"But whatever … you know I love you right, Sammy?"
"Yeah, I know … I'm AWESOME!" Sam tried to mimic Dean's voice and they all laughed at his bad impression.
"Now talk! Have hot sex or whatever, as long as when you leave this room later there is no more 'unresolved issues' between you!" Sam said earnestly before turning and leaving without looking back. Part of him wanted to stay but another part of him was not sure he should. Maybe he would find his 'Cas' one day and until then he would do whatever he could to make sure that Dean and Cas would not fuck this thing between them up. And most importantly, figure out where he might want to fit into this picture.