To my followers,
I'm not exactly sure what to say…. Thanks for all the attention, I guess, but that's not the reason I'm writing. I want to explain in detail why it's so hard for me to go on the internet anymore—and it isn't ALL of you, I know that. Just try to pay attention.
First and foremost, STOP WRITING STORIES ABOUT ME AND MY BROTHER SLEEPING WITH EACH OTHER!! Those have to be the most DISGUSTING things I've ever seen (besides the ones with me and Envy; those are just sick). I can't believe that this is so common, you've actually come up with a name for this type of fanfiction. Elricest? Please! Just because it sounds clever doesn't mean you can write whatever the hell kind of yaoi you want. And while we're on the topic, stop drawing the pictures, too. The damn Colonel keeps randomly sticking them in my assignments so I'll see them. If I had a nickel every time I've gagged at the sight of one of those, I'd be able to buy a gun to shoot Mustang in the face with.
Speaking of which, I also would like to take this opportunity to say Mustang and I are NOT sleeping with each other. Yes, you've read that right. The bastard Colonel and I don't even LIKE each other, so why would we be doing anything weird like that? …But, if you're going to insist that the Colonel and I are a couple, make it Ed x Mustang. I know that the dominant person comes first in pairings, and I also know that I'm a million times better at everything than that damned authoritarian bastard. I deserve to be on top!
There's also this problem with people dressing like me. I don't have a BIG problem with it. Just try to make sure that the wigs you people get look like hair instead of dyed mops.
All in all, if you're confused about whether I would approve of something you're drawing/writing/whatever, just try to think if I would do it—and make sure you remember that I'm not gay and I don't have an armor fetish.
Sincerely,
(signed) Major Edward Elric
Fullmetal Alchemist