Music. That was all I was going to focus on. It was grade 12 and I was sick of everything else getting in the way. Girls mostly. Girls got in the way.
I told Marco I was going to focus this year, I was going to be a monk. No dating, no getting distracted. I meant it, even though he laughed at me in the hallway. That was okay. He could laugh. I was still serious.
I didn't think I was cut out for relationships anyway. I'd tried them, and usually ended up getting so involved, so wrapped up in the damn girl that I couldn't see straight. I didn't want that to happen again. I was sick of that happening.
I suffered through school because I knew it wasn't for me. I wasn't going to be a doctor like my dad or a business man like Joey. Come hell or high water I was going to be a musician. I was just doing what I needed to do in school to get by. I saw Ellie and the way her eyes would follow me, and I knew she liked me. But I didn't have time for that.
Every day after school was practice, practice, practice, with the band or without them. It was almost better without them. They weren't serious. They were turning their attention to next year, to college, and I could see that the band was just a little pastime for them.
Maybe it felt good to shut everything out, school and friends and girls and just zone in on the music. Maybe I'd been too hurt by Manny and Ashley to want anything more to do with girls, and so I was avoiding Ellie and whatever hurt she would bring.
It wasn't so easy to avoid her, not after hanging out all summer long, not after exploding at her because Ashley left me for that British kid. I knew it wasn't her fault, but I needed someone to blame.
"Craig?" I walked into the house and was surprised at Joey's sharp tone. Things hadn't been like that for awhile. I was older now, we were more like roommates now. But I felt myself regressing to last year, to grade 10, to grade nine when I almost really did fear him, or some reaction from him that was like my father's, who I feared for real. I felt my mouth take the shape of a little "o" and my eyes widen.
"Yeah?" The old fear fluttering around the edges, although it didn't make sense anymore. I was pretty much an adult. No one could beat me up like that anymore. Not like Joey ever would.
"You forgot to take your meds," he said, his tone accusatory. I closed my eyes, sighed from deep in my chest. My meds. The constant little reminders of how broken I was, the damaged goods Ashley had run from.
"Sorry," I said, and it was still early enough to take some of them now and not get off track. I had to stay on track. I had to not be distracted from my music, not by girls and not by mania or depression. I needed my moods to be on an even keel, despite the knowledge that a little mania was good for creativity.
Up in my room, door closed, acoustic guitar across my lap, the pencil between my teeth as I jotted down lyrics and notes to the new songs. I felt pressure. It had to be now. If I was going to not fall into the safety net of college I had to make this work.
Little knock at my door and I felt my anger rising at the distraction. I wanted the world to leave me alone. School and homework was intruding enough as it was. The half glimpsed glittery idea for the song fell apart and I shook my head.
"Come in!" I called, and Ellie pushed the door open, smiling, her red hair a sheaf across one side of her face. I hoped my annoyance didn't show on my face. Damn it, Ellie. Leave me alone.
"Hey," I said, picking up the guitar and strumming some useless chords. She sat down on my bed.