A/N:
This is just an idea I've been playing around with. At this stage it is stand alone, but the door has been left partially open for a potential continuation. Please do not expect anything, although, I assure you that, should I decide to continue, I have no intention of abandoning an incomplete work.
Short disclaimer: I intend no copyright infringement. I do not own Glee, or Kurt and Blaine, nor do I profit in any way from writing this.
To set the scene: This is an Alternate Universe piece where Blaine and Kurt never met in high school and Blaine is a year older than Kurt. Kurt did not receive a place in NYADA, but is studying Musical Theatre at NYU.
I hope you enjoy it.
* /\ * * /\ ** /\ ** /\ *
Kurt had failed.
During high school at McKinley he had made a fundamental error. No, The Fundamental Error.
Now, Kurt was of the opinion that making an error of this nature was not something that could dramatically alter the course of one's life. He had always been a romantic at heart, a romantic with a tendency to want to believe in fate. It may seem cliché to believe that 'everything happens for a reason', but, in a way, it's also far safer.
Every single decision that we make and every action that we take, even at seemingly unimportant moments, can alter the course of our lives. We don't think about the possibilities, but something as simple as deciding not to prepare a packed lunch in favour of purchasing lunch can nudge someone in a slightly different direction down life's path. What if, on that day, a person fate had determined you would spend the rest of your life with also chose to purchase their lunch in the same place? Or, what if they happened to be hurrying down the street as you made your way to purchase your lunch? Or maybe by deciding to purchase your lunch, you are not sitting at college eating and working when the fire alarm sounds, so you don't find yourself inconvenienced by losing your spot in your favourite study space. In any of these scenarios, a small choice has altered your life, even if it might seem to be in an almost imperceptible way.
We will never know whether each of these little decisions alters the path we take to lead us to a final destination pre-determined for us by fate, or whether each little decision is something that fundamentally alters our life course. Kurt, however, wanted very much to believe the former. It seems safer, and it also makes one less accountable for one's place in life. If everyone has a pre-determined destination, perhaps only certain paths can lead there. While we can, perhaps, either inadvertently or intentionally change our course slightly, it is sometimes easier to hope that there is something bigger than ourselves to take at least a portion of the accountability.
And yet, we still have to accept the reality of our own agency. This means that people can make fundamental errors.
And what was The Fundamental Error that Kurt made?
Caring too much.
He believed that something would happen and invested in that belief. Worst of all, he demonstrated his belief to those around them. He made it known that he had hopes and dreams, and that they meant something to him. He had known hope and shown it, and had been hurt in return.
NYADA was the goal. It was the dream. He believed he could make it. He cared, he tried, and he invested in a specific hopeful vision for his future. The result of investing in something in the way Kurt invested in the dream of NYADA is that one completely opens oneself up to being hurt. You give someone else the power to deny you something that you have admitted you want. You give someone the power to crush part of your spirit. You give someone the power to tell you that you aren't good enough.
Despite knowing intellectually that you yourself are the only person that can judge your worth, by admitting to yourself that you have hope for something involving other people, you open yourself up to hurt, damage and pain.
That letter from NYADA, telling Kurt that the school thanked him for his application 'but didn't feel that, at this time, the skills and abilities demonstrated in the audition corresponded with what the school was looking for' had wounded him.
He was aware, intellectually, that he hadn't diminished in worth. Proof of this could be seen in his acceptance into a Music Theatre programme in Vocal Performance at New York University. Yet still, having something ripped away from him, something he had admitted to himself, his peers, his teachers, and even his family that he wanted, damaged his self-esteem and his belief in himself.
Kurt was happy at NYU. He had no doubt that this university was where he was supposed to be. He enjoyed his classes, studied and practised hard, and explored his city in his spare time. It wasn't that there was something wrong with his life; the error didn't affect his ultimate destination. It did, however, put some pot holes in the way of his life path.
It had made him just that bit less confident in himself.
What Kurt didn't realise, was that the effect of the error ran deeper than that, and would be harder to get over than just knowing that he was 'good enough'.
* /\ * * /\ ** /\ ** /\ *
Kurt sighed as he stood from his seat next to the window and gently stretched his back. He had found himself in an introspective mood quite regularly recently.
He muttered "no more" as he almost imperceptibly shook his head.
Kurt had made a decision. He was going to fight against that feeling that had haunted him since the day he had made the error of letting himself get hurt. It had been two years since that letter had been delivered. This was his third year at college, and it was going to be a good year. Any hurt would be firmly placed in the 'past' compartment.
He pushed in his chair, and left some money on the table to cover the cost of his coffee before strolling purposely from The Daily Grind.
Perhaps it was just the normal New Year optimism, but Kurt had a feeling that this year may be different.
On the other side of the room a curly haired boy glanced back down at his reading for his Music Composition class. He had noticed the attractive boy slowly sipping his coffee in The Daily Grind before. He'd never thought of him as anything other than 'coffee guy' before, had never spared him more than a passing glance, but something about the look on his face today had caught his attention. He had appeared so caught up in thought, so serious, and yet so closed. It had been intriguing.
Blaine shook his head and returned to his reading. 'People watching' was fun, but potentially creepy if the 'people' unintentionally became 'person'.