Title: Make Me Feel Alive Part 1: The End
Author: CAB
Fandom: Askewniverse
Pairing: None
Rating: PG for cursing
Category: Angst, Romance
Summary: It's the end of a friendship and business venture of twenty years, can Banky survive?
Email: colinishere@aol.com
Series/Sequel: The beginning of a series
Disclaimer: Kevin Smith owns them and makes all the money off them.
Spoilers: Chasing Amy
Notes: This takes place right after what I consider the end of the movie, before it flashes to a year later
Chapter 1: Devastation
Banky tried to see his life from the outside, but couldn't fight back the noise in his head. "This isn't fucking happening." he sighed and flopped onto the couch.
Holden had left, undoubtedly going after Alyssa.
"What a fucking day." Banky shook his head and picked up the remote, trying to get lost in television...it didn't work. Frustrated, he pushed himself back up and fumbled for his keys in his pocket, it was time to get the hell out of the office and figure out the next step.
* * * * *
"Leaving already?" Hooper came out of the music store as Banky went for his car.
"Great." Banky sighed under his breath and shook his head, "Just going to get something to eat."
"Really." Hooper crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, "You okay?"
"Fine." Banky unlocked the car door and faked his usual indifference. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I just saw Holden go running after Alyssa..." Hooper lowered his eyes as a pedestrian walked by, "I just thought I should check things out."
"Oh, great. She turns my life inside out and sends a faggot after me."
"I take it things aren't so great."
"No doubt you've guessed the whole situation." Banky got into his car and tried not to be upset when Hooper invited himself.
"Holden messed up, didn't he?"
"Well, my friendship may be shot, but Holden's the one that got dumped."
"I told him it was a bad idea to confront her..."
"Well, he didn't listen." Banky turned away from the conversation and started the car.
Hooper was silent, trying to piece together something to make Banky feel better.
Banky turned on the radio and tried to act intent on driving.
"I know we joke around a lot, and you're obviously uncomfortable around me, but I'm here if you need someone to talk to." Hooper sighed and looked out the window, "I don't really know what kind of shit you're going through, but I think I understand."
Banky shook his head, "You can't understand, okay? That fucking bitch comes in to our life, then turns him all fucking soft, then we find out all this shit about her. Out of fucking nowhere, Holden gets it in him empty fucking head that getting us in a three-way would help me 'find myself' and get them back together." He tried to bring himself down from the rant, "He's put himself through hell over her, trashed our friendship and no doubt the book, then when I wanted to fucking die...he goes after her." he bit into his lip, holding back the urge to either kill something or cry as they pulled into the diner parking lot. "Why didn't he come after me?"
Hooper blinked in disbelief at having a good part of the situation laid out in front of him, then put his hand on Banky's shoulder to offer a little comfort.
Banky let his forehead fall to the steering wheel. "What the fuck am I doing?"
"It's okay Banky, let's just talk about this..."
"Fuck you." Banky got out of the car, slamming the door behind him.
"Shit." Hooper punched the dashboard.
Banky pushed open the door and scanned the diner for an accessible exit for when Hooper got on his nerves again.
"How many?" A waitress holding a stack of menus drew him out of his silence.
"Two." Hooper entered, taking on a commanding presence. "Smoking."
"You don't have to fucking follow me." Banky slid into the corner booth and opened his menu.
Hooper shrugged it off and looked back to the woman, "Coffee."
"Bacon and eggs, decaf." Banky looked into his reflection in his water glass.
A long silence came between them then, after the waitress brought their order, he broke the pause. "They won't get back together, you know."
"I don't care." Banky looked down at his hands. "I just hope he's fucking happy."
"You two can still be friends."
"No, we can't. Don't you get it? He changed everything."
"He didn't change anything." Hooper sipped his coffee, "You're the one freaking out over something we've all known for years."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You *love* him, okay? We get it. As you so bluntly would put it, you're a *faggot*."
"I'm not a fucking faggot, and I'm definitely not in love with him!" Banky picked up his fork and stabbed his toast repeatedly.
"You can keep denying it all you want, but it's still the same. Only now the whole thing is out in the open. It'd do you a lot of fucking good to just get over yourself and admit it."
"You just don't get it, do you? You don't know shit about me or my relationship with Holden."
Hooper sighed to himself, "Don't know shit? Boy, I've lived it. Maybe not for twenty years, but I think I know full and well what you're going through on more than one level."
"Really, how so Little Miss Know-It-All?" Banky gestured with his fork as he pushed around a pile of runny eggs.
"A few years back I met a guy on a panel I was doing." He fumbled with a pack of Nails, "After talking and hanging out for a while, I was convinced he'd be 'The One'. But, I never told him. Now, every time I see him and how miserable he is, I realize how good we could have had it if I'd told him."
"Well, why didn't you?" Banky was actually interested in the story.
"I didn't want to mess up our friendship." Hooper lit his cigarette and tossed the lighter back down on the table. "I understand that you never brought up your feelings for Holden because you don't want to fuck up what you already had."
"Who said I have feelings for him beyond normal male friendship?"
"Honey," Hooper tapped his cig, "you don't have to put on this act, okay?" He sighed a little, "I know as well as you do that you love him."
"Don't even start that shit again..."
"Fuck you, Banky." Hooper finished his coffee. "If you're going to be a fucking child about this, fine. I'm only here to talk things out with you."
"There's nothing to talk about." Banky shook his head, "Holden's out of his fucking mind, end of story."
"Bitch." Hooper whispered, a plume of smoke following. "Just keep denying reality, whatever makes you feel like a big man. I just hope that when your pitiful existence comes crashing down, you have someone better than me to talk to." He stood up and dropped a couple singles on the table.
Banky sighed and grabbed Hooper by the wrist, "You don't have to go."
"I can't be around someone who's going to ignore the facts and lie to himself and everybody else." Hooper put out his cigarette on Banky's bacon. "I'm not going to let you drag me into your denial."
Banky watched Hooper walk out the door, then tried to calmly drink his coffee. Hooper had a point, there was something going on...but he didn't want to deal with it. Giving in, he went to pay the bill and find Hooper.
* * * * *
Chapter 2: Confrontation
Banky made it out of the diner just in time to see Hooper catching his cab. Somewhat upset the man hadn't even waited for him; he wondered just what the next logical step would be. The only place to go was back to the only place he didn't want to be anymore.
The short drive back consisted mostly of trying to decide between the only viable options. He would either have to leave, or spend as much time as possible acting like nothing ever happened. When he got back, it was obvious he didn't have much of a decision to make.
"Holden?" the words echoed a little as he slammed the door and made his way to the couch.
Holden looked up from where he sat at his drawing board. "You're back."
"You look surprised."
"Well," Holden put down his pencil. "I guess I am." He wet his lips, as if looking for the right words, "I didn't know if you'd come back or not."
Banky nodded to himself and sat down, "Did you catch up with her?"
"Doesn't matter." Holden shook his head. "She's gone. It's just us now, I guess."
"Holden, I...I can't do this."
"What?"
"I can't pretend nothing happened here earlier." Banky watched as Holden lowered his eyes and nodded a little, "I wish like hell I could, but you changed everything."
"I fucked up, okay? But we...we're still okay, right? I mean, nothing's really changed."
"No, we're not okay. I can't keep feeling like this when we both know nothing's going to happen between us."
"You've felt like this for years, right? What's new now?"
"I don't know. I don't know how I feel, Holden. I'm really confused about all this shit, okay?" Banky lit a cigarette and let his free hand cover his eyes. "I just know that this whole thing is dangerous, and it's best for both of us to stop right here."
"Just stop, just like that?"
"It's over, Holden."
"So you're just throwing away twenty years of friendship because I kissed you?"
"No." Banky stood up defensively, gesturing with his speech, "I'm *saving* twenty years of great memories because we're not the same people anymore."
"I'm the same, you're the same..."
"No, Holden, that's just the thing. When you brought everything out into the open, you changed both of us. You changed the very nature of things. And now, we...we just don't belong here any more."
"Don't belong here?"
"I...I can't move on with you still in my life. Just like you can't move on while I still hold you back." Banky half laughed to himself. "We've been stuck in a codependent relationship for the last five years, at least. Now it's time to grow up."
Holden stared for a moment, then lit a cigarette of his own. "No, this...you're just being stupid now, Banky. Your paranoia has finally turned to full out delusions."
"I'm seeing things clearly for the first time in a while. As long as we still need each other, we can't be together."
"That's bullshit and you know it. You're just looking for an easy way out."
"Easy? Fuck! Who said this isn't ripping me in half?! You're the only thing in my life that matters, but if I keep playing those little head games we *both* created over the years I'm going to get fucking nowhere."
"Fine." Holding gave in, the tears shining in his eyes. "Do whatever makes you happy, Banky."
"It's the right way, Holden, it's the only way."
"Where are you going to stay?"
"I don't know."
"What about the con next weekend?"
"We can still go, I guess."
"What about the book?"
"What about it? We finish out the run."
"I don't want to do it by myself."
"Fine, how much?"
"What?"
"How much for the rights, I'll finish it."
"Are you fucking high? This is *our* thing...you can't just do it by yourself."
"Gee, thanks for the concern, but I think I'm capable of doing a few issues. Is five grand enough?"
"I'm not going to take your money."
"Then what? Are you suggesting we finish it together?"
"I don't know, maybe I am."
"Christ, Holden."
"What? It's not going to be the same book without both of us working on it."
"We finished this month's run, next month we'll do the last one."
"What?"
"The big finish, we'll let the fucker go down with the ship."
"You'd let go of Bluntman and Chronic that easy? Just like you're fucking letting me go?"
"We all have to grow up sometime." Banky finished the argument bitterly and started back to his room to begin packing.
* * * * *
Author: CAB
Fandom: Askewniverse
Pairing: None
Rating: PG for cursing
Category: Angst, Romance
Summary: It's the end of a friendship and business venture of twenty years, can Banky survive?
Email: colinishere@aol.com
Series/Sequel: The beginning of a series
Disclaimer: Kevin Smith owns them and makes all the money off them.
Spoilers: Chasing Amy
Notes: This takes place right after what I consider the end of the movie, before it flashes to a year later
Chapter 1: Devastation
Banky tried to see his life from the outside, but couldn't fight back the noise in his head. "This isn't fucking happening." he sighed and flopped onto the couch.
Holden had left, undoubtedly going after Alyssa.
"What a fucking day." Banky shook his head and picked up the remote, trying to get lost in television...it didn't work. Frustrated, he pushed himself back up and fumbled for his keys in his pocket, it was time to get the hell out of the office and figure out the next step.
* * * * *
"Leaving already?" Hooper came out of the music store as Banky went for his car.
"Great." Banky sighed under his breath and shook his head, "Just going to get something to eat."
"Really." Hooper crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, "You okay?"
"Fine." Banky unlocked the car door and faked his usual indifference. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I just saw Holden go running after Alyssa..." Hooper lowered his eyes as a pedestrian walked by, "I just thought I should check things out."
"Oh, great. She turns my life inside out and sends a faggot after me."
"I take it things aren't so great."
"No doubt you've guessed the whole situation." Banky got into his car and tried not to be upset when Hooper invited himself.
"Holden messed up, didn't he?"
"Well, my friendship may be shot, but Holden's the one that got dumped."
"I told him it was a bad idea to confront her..."
"Well, he didn't listen." Banky turned away from the conversation and started the car.
Hooper was silent, trying to piece together something to make Banky feel better.
Banky turned on the radio and tried to act intent on driving.
"I know we joke around a lot, and you're obviously uncomfortable around me, but I'm here if you need someone to talk to." Hooper sighed and looked out the window, "I don't really know what kind of shit you're going through, but I think I understand."
Banky shook his head, "You can't understand, okay? That fucking bitch comes in to our life, then turns him all fucking soft, then we find out all this shit about her. Out of fucking nowhere, Holden gets it in him empty fucking head that getting us in a three-way would help me 'find myself' and get them back together." He tried to bring himself down from the rant, "He's put himself through hell over her, trashed our friendship and no doubt the book, then when I wanted to fucking die...he goes after her." he bit into his lip, holding back the urge to either kill something or cry as they pulled into the diner parking lot. "Why didn't he come after me?"
Hooper blinked in disbelief at having a good part of the situation laid out in front of him, then put his hand on Banky's shoulder to offer a little comfort.
Banky let his forehead fall to the steering wheel. "What the fuck am I doing?"
"It's okay Banky, let's just talk about this..."
"Fuck you." Banky got out of the car, slamming the door behind him.
"Shit." Hooper punched the dashboard.
Banky pushed open the door and scanned the diner for an accessible exit for when Hooper got on his nerves again.
"How many?" A waitress holding a stack of menus drew him out of his silence.
"Two." Hooper entered, taking on a commanding presence. "Smoking."
"You don't have to fucking follow me." Banky slid into the corner booth and opened his menu.
Hooper shrugged it off and looked back to the woman, "Coffee."
"Bacon and eggs, decaf." Banky looked into his reflection in his water glass.
A long silence came between them then, after the waitress brought their order, he broke the pause. "They won't get back together, you know."
"I don't care." Banky looked down at his hands. "I just hope he's fucking happy."
"You two can still be friends."
"No, we can't. Don't you get it? He changed everything."
"He didn't change anything." Hooper sipped his coffee, "You're the one freaking out over something we've all known for years."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You *love* him, okay? We get it. As you so bluntly would put it, you're a *faggot*."
"I'm not a fucking faggot, and I'm definitely not in love with him!" Banky picked up his fork and stabbed his toast repeatedly.
"You can keep denying it all you want, but it's still the same. Only now the whole thing is out in the open. It'd do you a lot of fucking good to just get over yourself and admit it."
"You just don't get it, do you? You don't know shit about me or my relationship with Holden."
Hooper sighed to himself, "Don't know shit? Boy, I've lived it. Maybe not for twenty years, but I think I know full and well what you're going through on more than one level."
"Really, how so Little Miss Know-It-All?" Banky gestured with his fork as he pushed around a pile of runny eggs.
"A few years back I met a guy on a panel I was doing." He fumbled with a pack of Nails, "After talking and hanging out for a while, I was convinced he'd be 'The One'. But, I never told him. Now, every time I see him and how miserable he is, I realize how good we could have had it if I'd told him."
"Well, why didn't you?" Banky was actually interested in the story.
"I didn't want to mess up our friendship." Hooper lit his cigarette and tossed the lighter back down on the table. "I understand that you never brought up your feelings for Holden because you don't want to fuck up what you already had."
"Who said I have feelings for him beyond normal male friendship?"
"Honey," Hooper tapped his cig, "you don't have to put on this act, okay?" He sighed a little, "I know as well as you do that you love him."
"Don't even start that shit again..."
"Fuck you, Banky." Hooper finished his coffee. "If you're going to be a fucking child about this, fine. I'm only here to talk things out with you."
"There's nothing to talk about." Banky shook his head, "Holden's out of his fucking mind, end of story."
"Bitch." Hooper whispered, a plume of smoke following. "Just keep denying reality, whatever makes you feel like a big man. I just hope that when your pitiful existence comes crashing down, you have someone better than me to talk to." He stood up and dropped a couple singles on the table.
Banky sighed and grabbed Hooper by the wrist, "You don't have to go."
"I can't be around someone who's going to ignore the facts and lie to himself and everybody else." Hooper put out his cigarette on Banky's bacon. "I'm not going to let you drag me into your denial."
Banky watched Hooper walk out the door, then tried to calmly drink his coffee. Hooper had a point, there was something going on...but he didn't want to deal with it. Giving in, he went to pay the bill and find Hooper.
* * * * *
Chapter 2: Confrontation
Banky made it out of the diner just in time to see Hooper catching his cab. Somewhat upset the man hadn't even waited for him; he wondered just what the next logical step would be. The only place to go was back to the only place he didn't want to be anymore.
The short drive back consisted mostly of trying to decide between the only viable options. He would either have to leave, or spend as much time as possible acting like nothing ever happened. When he got back, it was obvious he didn't have much of a decision to make.
"Holden?" the words echoed a little as he slammed the door and made his way to the couch.
Holden looked up from where he sat at his drawing board. "You're back."
"You look surprised."
"Well," Holden put down his pencil. "I guess I am." He wet his lips, as if looking for the right words, "I didn't know if you'd come back or not."
Banky nodded to himself and sat down, "Did you catch up with her?"
"Doesn't matter." Holden shook his head. "She's gone. It's just us now, I guess."
"Holden, I...I can't do this."
"What?"
"I can't pretend nothing happened here earlier." Banky watched as Holden lowered his eyes and nodded a little, "I wish like hell I could, but you changed everything."
"I fucked up, okay? But we...we're still okay, right? I mean, nothing's really changed."
"No, we're not okay. I can't keep feeling like this when we both know nothing's going to happen between us."
"You've felt like this for years, right? What's new now?"
"I don't know. I don't know how I feel, Holden. I'm really confused about all this shit, okay?" Banky lit a cigarette and let his free hand cover his eyes. "I just know that this whole thing is dangerous, and it's best for both of us to stop right here."
"Just stop, just like that?"
"It's over, Holden."
"So you're just throwing away twenty years of friendship because I kissed you?"
"No." Banky stood up defensively, gesturing with his speech, "I'm *saving* twenty years of great memories because we're not the same people anymore."
"I'm the same, you're the same..."
"No, Holden, that's just the thing. When you brought everything out into the open, you changed both of us. You changed the very nature of things. And now, we...we just don't belong here any more."
"Don't belong here?"
"I...I can't move on with you still in my life. Just like you can't move on while I still hold you back." Banky half laughed to himself. "We've been stuck in a codependent relationship for the last five years, at least. Now it's time to grow up."
Holden stared for a moment, then lit a cigarette of his own. "No, this...you're just being stupid now, Banky. Your paranoia has finally turned to full out delusions."
"I'm seeing things clearly for the first time in a while. As long as we still need each other, we can't be together."
"That's bullshit and you know it. You're just looking for an easy way out."
"Easy? Fuck! Who said this isn't ripping me in half?! You're the only thing in my life that matters, but if I keep playing those little head games we *both* created over the years I'm going to get fucking nowhere."
"Fine." Holding gave in, the tears shining in his eyes. "Do whatever makes you happy, Banky."
"It's the right way, Holden, it's the only way."
"Where are you going to stay?"
"I don't know."
"What about the con next weekend?"
"We can still go, I guess."
"What about the book?"
"What about it? We finish out the run."
"I don't want to do it by myself."
"Fine, how much?"
"What?"
"How much for the rights, I'll finish it."
"Are you fucking high? This is *our* thing...you can't just do it by yourself."
"Gee, thanks for the concern, but I think I'm capable of doing a few issues. Is five grand enough?"
"I'm not going to take your money."
"Then what? Are you suggesting we finish it together?"
"I don't know, maybe I am."
"Christ, Holden."
"What? It's not going to be the same book without both of us working on it."
"We finished this month's run, next month we'll do the last one."
"What?"
"The big finish, we'll let the fucker go down with the ship."
"You'd let go of Bluntman and Chronic that easy? Just like you're fucking letting me go?"
"We all have to grow up sometime." Banky finished the argument bitterly and started back to his room to begin packing.
* * * * *