Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. If I did, Sasuke would be dead and Orochimaru would be mine. Also do not own Carmen Electra, nor am I responsible for those disgraceful workout videos, thankfully. In addition to the many things I do no town, I also do not own Cascada.
This story is dedicated to my best friend, Fallen to Earth. I thought she would, erm…enjoy it. But the rest of you can read it too.
FUZZY HANDCUFFS: A TALE OF WOE
Orochimaru was curled up in a plush chair in his living room, and looked around contentedly. Kabuto had gone out for a delightful evening of kicking and eating puppies, meaning that Sasuke and Orochimaru had the house to themselves for once. And they planned to enjoy it.
Right on time, Sasuke entered the room, already thrusting madly. Orochimaru grinned, and picked up the ready bottle of massage oil.
"Arrgh, I just can't get my ear to pop." Sasuke complained, once again thrusting his head to the side," It's like having cotton in my ear."
Orochimaru nodded sympathetically. He hated it when that happened. Reaching over, he grabbed the bottle of massage oil.
"Use a few drops of this, it's always worked for me." He instructed. Sasuke did as he was told, and to his amazement, his normal hearing returned.
"Now then," Orochimaru began when Sasuke was settled ," It's time for the rubber."
"And the lace!" Sasuke piped up.
Giggling to himself, Orochimaru reached for a box in the drawer. He could hear Sasuke fidgeting with something across the room.
"Be careful, it's going to be hot." Orochimaru called to him.
"Don't worry, I know." came the reply.
Finally, they were ready. They seated themselves on either side and stared into each other's eyes, savouring the moment. The Orochimaru got them started.
He pulled out the box, and opened it to reveal a wide array of rubber bands. Then Sasuke reached into his own pocket and set out two lacy doilies. Onto these he placed to steaming hot cups of tea. Then Orochimaru brought out the main piece: their carefully constructed rubber band ball.
The two had been working on it for ages, and it had grown from the size of a golf ball to its current size, roughly as large as a softball. The two worked in silence, lovingly looping rubber bands from the box over the ball. They went on in silence, until they simultaneously became bored of this.
"Now what do you want to do?" asked Sasuke.
"Oh, I'm sure we can think of something." Orochimaru replied with a sly grin. He got up and walked over to the closet door. With a jerk, the door swung open to reveal some very skimpy, very tight outfits.
"First we'll need to put these on." he said. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. He could see where this was going. But nonetheless, he did as he was told.
The outfits seemed quite difficult to put on, but the two both knew that it would be worth it. With that determinations, they managed to change. Sasuke glanced over at Orochimaru, then down at himself, and had to smile.
They were both standing there in spandex leggings, leotards, legwarmers and sweatbands. Sasuke had even managed to puff up his hair more than usual.
"Ready?" he asked Orochimaru. The pale ninja nodded, still standing there in his pink and purple exercise outfit. Sasuke, in his own bright orange and lime green outfit, strode over to the VCR and popped in a tape. There was a moment of static, then a brightly smiling woman appeared on the screen.
"Welcome to the Aerobic Striptease video! I'm Carmen Electra and this is volume three: Lap Dance Your Way to Fitness."
Orochimaru and Sasuke were instantly enthralled. They had come to adopt this video series as their usual training regime, but this was the first time they felt ready to proceed past volume two. They both watched, silently, and did their best to keep up with the various naughty exercises. After what seemed like an eternity, the tape ended, and the two were left panting on the floor.
They had finished their tape just in time. All of a sudden, the lights went out.
"Power blackout." Orochimaru observed.
"I'll get the candles." sighed Sasuke. He got up and fumbled his way out of the room and down the hall in the dark. He was back within minutes, clutching handfuls of candles. Together, he and Orochimaru placed them in various locations around the room until Orochimaru came to an important realization; they had no lighter.
"It doesn't matter." said Sasuke, groping blindly in the dark and seizing Orochimaru by the waist.
"Stay behind me." Sasuke commanded. Orochimaru did not argue. With Orochimaru out of harm's way, Sasuke formed several hand seals and took a deep breath. When he exhaled, torrents of flame shot from his mouth and saturated the room with fire. When he was done, gentle candle light permeated the room. Unfortunately, so did the smell of singed carpet.
"Urgh, I hate that smell." Orochimaru complained ,"Hang on, I think I've got something."
Orochimaru walked back over to the drawer and drew out another bow. Being careful not to set the entire house on fire, he began to sprinkle its contents across the floor.
By the time he was down, the pair were standing in a dim room, lit only by candles, and smelling sweetly of the rose petals now scattered on the floor. Orochimaru looked at Sasuke. There was only one thing to make their evening complete.
Sasuke looked up at Orochimaru, who was once again rummaging in the drawer. The man seemed to seize what ever it was he was looking for, and Sasuke heard a quit jangle of metal. Is it? Sasuke thought.
Orochimaru held the object aloft, grinning triumphantly. Sasuke's suspicions were confirmed.
For Orochimaru was holding a pair of bright pink, fuzzy handcuffs. Sasuke knew what those were for; they had been planning it for a long time. Suddenly there came the sound of a key turning in the lock. Kabuto must be home.
"It's time." Orochimaru declared. Sasuke nodded, and cast a furtive glance towards the living room entranceway.
Almost right away, Kabuto was standing in the doorway. He surveyed the scene with some sense of alarm. There was another metallic jangle and Kabuto's head snapped up, his face breaking into a grin when he saw what was making the sound. Orochimaru smiled back, and Sasuke slowly crawled away, behind the couch.
"Where's Sasuke?" Kabuto asked. Orochimaru continued to grin and replied ,"Asleep."
At these words Kabuto seemed to relax, but then Orochimaru feigned a look of disgust.
"You're filthy!" He exclaimed ," Go get yourself cleaned up."
What Orochimaru had said was true. Kabuto was filthy, his clothes stained from a long evening of devouring innocent puppies. His eyes widened behind his spectacles, and he gasped.
"You're right, Orochimaru. I will immediately take a shower." he exclaimed. With an awkward bow, he backed out of the room and headed for the basement.
The moment he was gone, Orochimaru spoke, seemingly to the room.
"You know what to do. Go."
At hi swords, a dark shadow obligingly streaked out from behind the couch. It snatched the handcuffs from Orochimaru on the way past, then headed out in the hall and towards the basement stairs.
Sasuke reached the bottom of the stairs with a gentle thump. His left hand was clenched tightly around the handcuffs so as not to jingle them. There was a sound coming from the showers, and Sasuke follwed that noise.
He entered the steamy bathroom quietly, so as not to alert Kabuto. He could see the ninja's silhouette in the frosted glass shower door, and quickly had to shield his eyes with his hand. He did not, however, have a free hand to plug his ears and Kabuto's voice rang out:
Be my bad boy,
Be my man,
Be my weekend lover,
But don't be my friend.
Apparently Kabuto did not know any of the lyrics past this point, so he shut up. Sasuke let out the breath he had been holding, thankful for once for Kabuto's incompetence.
Sasuke inched forward, still averting his eyes. When he was close enough to his target, he grabbed on to a loop of the handcuffs and let the other drop. Kabuto stopped moving when he heard the noise. There was no time to lose. Sasuke leaped to the top of the shower door, swinging the handcuffs wildly, nunchuk-style. He felt them make contact and Kabuto dropped to the ground. Now for the tricky part.
Cringing, Sasuke swung the naked, unconscious, Kabuto over his shoulder and began to hoist him up the stairs.
AN hour later, Kabuto awoke. With horror, he found himself naked on the roof. He tried to stand, but something held him down. He looked down at his wrist, and realized that he was handcuffed to the roof. Then a breeze blew, and he realized that there was something fluttering on his fore head. Kabuto ripped it off, and stared with horror at the note in his hand.
"That's for watching me shower!" it read. Kabuto flushed; it had to be from Orochimaru. Kabuto began to weep and his desolate sobs rang through the twilight.
Unfortunately for Kabuto, somebody heard his sobs. Ebisu, who had been returning from a mission, happened to be walking near the house. He heard someone sobbing, and when he came to investigate, he found a naked, wailing Kabuto handcuffed to the roof.
Ebisu looked around, but there was no one nearby. Cackling under his breath, he drew out a whip he kept hidden in his clothes and began to walk towards Kabuto. When Kabuto realized what was about to happen, he screamed desperately for help, but to no avail.
Orochimaru and Sasuke were, in fact, oblivious to the scene on the roof. They were back in the candlelit room, training frantically. For when one has a tongue as long as Orochimaru's, it must be exercised.
A/N: And so ends my dirty one-shot story. I apologize if you have been robbed of your childhood innocence. Personally I find it funny.
Review, unless you are utterly disgusted and consider me a deranged freak in need of help. But if you read it to the end, that's unlikely.
Hope you enjoyed it, Fallen to Earth. Remember, I wrote it for you! Aren't you proud?