Slam!
James Lucas paused for a moment after entering the flat.
He listened to the sound of his mother shuffling in her room, half-awake. He waited for the time it took for her to settle down, as he didn't fancy being interrogated about his date and having to make up another lie. He always had to lie to everyone – his mother, his co-workers, himself. Finally the sound died completely, except for the whine of the old fridge, and he continued on to his room.
He stepped into his bedroom and turned on the light. The same old sight of an unmade bed, clothing scattered about the floor, records strewn about, with the record player perched precariously on a rickety old wooden desk. He slung his coat over the chair and stripped down to his underwear and socks, and threw himself down on the bed with its worn pillow and dirty green blanket.
Mr. Lucas reached under the bed and pulled out a bottle of cheap gin with a glass. He picked up the glass and smirked at it for a moment, then carefully set it back on the floor. Tonight, he had no need of a glass; it would only slow the process. He unscrewed the cap with a hand still trembling from anger. He lifted it to his lips and threw back his head. The bottle was only half full now, but it would be empty by the time he let himself drift off. He had rage that needed to be soothed.
Damn Jeanette! Damn her straight to hell! Why did she have to be like this? Why couldn't she just accept that he couldn't get it up and move on like the rest of them? Why did she have to decide that he had a normal problem and that she was going to help him through it?
For the longest time his social life revolved around him finding some girl and taking her out on a few nice dates. They'd both have a good time together until about the third or fourth date – when the push for intimacy refused to be ignored. Then… then… going back to her place and being humiliated, while she tries to grimace in the politest way possible. After a very awkward cup of coffee, he'd go, leaving it up to her whether or not she wanted to see him again… which naturally she never did.
The system worked perfectly until Jeanette, who had unfortunately fallen in love with him.
Mr. Lucas paused in his rumination. He could hear his mother moving around, so he dimmed his lights hoping she wouldn't check on him and, finding him still awake, try to talk to him. He waited until she was back in her room before letting his thoughts catch up with him. He began thinking about all the lies he was telling now. He didn't think he could keep up with them all now…
He lied to his co-workers and his mother about his dates. He lied to his mother and his dates about his job and his co-workers. He lied to his dates about his co-workers and his mother. And himself, of course, he lied to everyone about himself. But Jeanette had genuinely seemed to like him for him, if she knew the real him that is. She didn't know him really, she only knew him from the person that she had built up in her head and he didn't know how to break it to her how wrong she was.
Mind you, if she was going to try to help him overcome his sexual inadequacies, she was welcome to try. As well as get her heart broken in the process. After all, he'd been trying to fix himself for years, and he'd never had any luck. He frowned to himself. "Fix himself" – was that really the term he meant to use? Was that really how he saw himself?
He wasn't sure which thoughts were his own and which were from the gin by this point.
All too soon the bottle was empty. Mr. Lucas looked at the clock. It was almost three and he knew he'd be in a right state in the morning. Captain Peacock would have his ass. Oh well, who cares? He hated the lot of them anyway! A pang of guilt coursed in amongst the gin traversing his veins. That wasn't true and he knew it, but the black hole of self pity was opening up and getting ready to swallow him.
On that note, he decided it was time for bed. He lay back staring up at the ceiling, willing his mind to clear so he could get some sleep. His last thought before the cheap gin finalized its magic was I wonder what color Mrs. Slocombe's hair will be tomorrow…