Confronting the Issue
A Super Smash Brothers Fanfic
By: Super Smasher
Disclaimer: All licensed characters in this fanfiction and their respective IPs are solely the property the The Nintendo Company and its affiliate companies. Characters used without permission.
It all started with a letter.
That morning, much the same as every morning, Kirby ran outside the Smash Mansion and down the path that led to the mailbox at the end of the drive. It may have not been the most glamorous job at the manor, but he loved it. It took his mind away from eating. The mailbox itself was merely a push-flap trashcan with a large burlap sack inside. Kirby quickly inputted the combination Master Hand had given him into the lock hanging from the steel door. It swung open on oiled hinges. The pink puffball braced himself for the avalanche of letters that were sure to engulf him. Strangely, however, he felt nothing.
The mail had not yet arrived. Curious as to what happened, Kirby peered into the sack. Instead of finding it overflowing with packages and envelopes from far-off worlds, he could only make out a single letter. Reaching for it, he found the bag to be much deeper than he anticipated, and, falling into it, caught himself inside the sack, and tumbled out of the mailbox and into the street, encased in burlap.
Pit had been watching from the porch. He was usually outside at this hour anyways. Being the leader of an army had you up at the crack of dawn and not letting you sleep until far after the sun had set. Besides him and Kirby, the only other people up at this time were usually Marth, Ike, and Snake, but, as Pit thought to himself, when did the secret agent ever sleep anyways?
He watched Kirby struggle with the bag. Laughing to himself, he jogged down the dirt path to help the poor creature out. Quickly unwrapping the pink puffball, he let out a sigh of relief as Kirby smiled up towards him with gratitude. However, he held in his hand a solitary envelope. Pit stared at it for a second, confused. Someone took the trouble to deliver this one letter all the way here? Or perhaps one of the other Smashers had forgotten to put the flag up?
"Mind if I take a look at that, bud?" Kirby replied happily and handed the letter to the angel. Pit looked it over. No, it was definitely addressed to the Smash Mansion. "Better take this to Master Hand. But first..." He smiled at Kirby, gesturing to the tangled sack and ajar mailbox. "Let's get this cleaned up."
Taking a deep breath, Master Hand stretched in his chair and gazed out the window, watching the sun climb higher in the sky. It was morning already? He'd worked through the night again...perhaps he should enjoy himself more, like Crazy did. Rubbing his tired eyes, the embodiment of creative spirit cracked his knuckles. He wouldn't be watching Pikachu and Wolf fight today. He just needed sleep.
"Master Hand! Master Hand!" Pit exclaimed, bursting through the door into the office, Kirby hot on his heels. "This was in the mailbox." He tossed the letter into the to-do basket on the desk. Regardless of it just being a letter, Master Hand groaned at the prospect of more work. "Read it, read it!" The boy was practically jumping up and down, quite uncharacteristically.
"Ugh..." The floating hand picked up the envelope, and after examining it for a moment, opened it. The two Smasher's eyes sparkled as the boss read through the document quickly. However, as Master Hand got farther and farther in, his weariness seemed to ebb away. By the end of the reading, he was as alert as any hand could be. Slamming it down on his desk, he gestured to the Smashers. "Go wake up Crazy. I don't care if he's hung over. We've got letters to write."
Pit nodded. Whatever was in that letter, it was serious. Motioning to Kirby, the two raced out of the room, determined to find the embodiment of destruction.
"Sue us?!" Crazy yelled, punching the wall, casing the entire mansion to shake. "Why would anyone want to SUE us? We're not for profit, we've never done any shady business, nothing!"
"Simmer down, brother." Master Hand calmly said, but with a slight quiver in his voice. Things were not looking well. "I haven't even told you why yet. But there is still a chance we can avoid this. We just need to..."
"What? What is it? Please, brother! I don't want to do back to demolition! It doesn't pay well at all! I can't support myself on that meager of a salary! I even let my last crew go! They'll never..."
"CRAZY!!!" Master Hand roared. "Compose yourself. You're always exaggerating. I know what we need to do."
Ike roamed the hallway, popping his joints. He had just gotten out of bed, a whole fifteen minutes later than usual. It was uncommon for the mercenary to sleep in at all. There was no way he'd be doing that again.
Rounding the corner, the swordsman nearly fell flat on his face as he swerved to avoid stepping on an angel and a puffball. "Pit? Kirby? What are you guys do..." Pit jumped up and put his hand over Ike's mouth, gently shushing him.
"Quiet. Something serious is going down. Listen." Kirby motioned to the door, and the three pressed their ears against it. Softly, Master Hand's voice siphoned through the wood.
"Apparently, the EGC got an angry phone call the other day from a distressed woman." The hand said. "She complained that there are not enough female Smashers, and she is prepared to slap us with a lawsuit if we "Continue along this sexist path", is the words this letter uses."
Ike frowned. Not enough girls? Hardly seemed like something worth suing over.
"And they really think that concerns us enough to send us a formal letter?" Crazy's voice emanated from the door. "Who we invite is our business. Why should we change our policies because of one person complaining? As I recall, Samus was the only recognizable female we had in our first year. Then you've got Zelda, Sheik, Peach, Nana, and debateably any of the Pokémon could be female. That's at least five, maybe ten."
"Don't you think I know that? Still, we can't ignore a direct order from the Commission. We need to get some newcomers in here, that's all. I mean, things have been getting pretty stale, and some new blood may be just what Dr. Mario ordered. In any case, two birds with one stone. Now, I've got a shortlist of some potential candidates that I'd like your opinion on..."
Ike pulled away from the door. Pit and Kirby did the same, looking up at the tall hero. The bluenette instantly looked around for anyone watching, then lowered his voice to barely a whisper. "Tell nobody about this." The two Smashers looked at him quizzically. "Something just doesn't sit right with me about this. I'm sure Master Hand will announce the problem to us soon. Until then, keep your lips sealed." Pit and Kirby nodded, and the three headed down to the kitchen to pursue breakfast.