"How long has it been since we had dinner together?" James Potter asks over his shoulder, stirring a pot of stew with his wand. "Should have lit candles, or something," he adds jokingly, though his wife can hear the strain in his voice, reflecting the effort his characteristically casual easiness takes these days.
She doesn't respond, however, prompting James to turn around. "Lil?"
"What? Oh, yes," Lily Potter hurriedly says.
James frowns. "Yes, what? I should have lit candles? I can see if we have any in the—"
"No, I meant…yes, it's been a long time since we've done this."
A mischievous grin tilts James's lips at her words. "And it's been a long time since I've done this," he adds, setting down his wand. Closing the distance between them, he grabs Lily by the waist, whirls her around, and lifts her to the edge of the counter. Her legs wrap automatically around his hips as she braces herself with her hands on his shoulders, but as his lips touch hers, Lily doesn't feel the usual swoop of happiness in her stomach. Instead, absurdly, she feels the prick of tears behind her eyes.
James's smile fades as he pulls back to look at her. "What's up, Evans?" he asks, trying to keep his tone light. When she doesn't correct him—'That's Potter to you, Potter'—James's concern grows. "Has something happened?"
You have to tell him, Lily. That's what Marlene had said when the two were on duty together the night before, right after Lily had found out. Of course, her friend had known immediately that something was distracting her, and Lily hadn't been able to think up a suitable lie.
Part of her feels guilty that James hadn't been the first to know, but another part wishes she doesn't have to be the one to deliver the news to him. It isn't that she thinks he'll panic, or leave her. Rather, the simple truth is that she has absolutely no idea how to broach the subject. They certainly haven't discussed having children, not seriously, anyway. How can they, when they're hardly home except to sleep, and sometimes not even that? When they're constantly wondering if they'll have a home to return to, and death is always stalking them, lurking just out of sight?
"Lily?" James prompts again. Then, after a pause, "Remus and Dorcas are both on duty tonight, right?" It's a roundabout way of asking whether she's heard any worrying news about their friends.
"I think so, but that's not—I'm fine," Lily lies, hopping off the counter and moving to the stove to resume the task that James has abandoned. "Could you set the table?" she adds, hoping to forestall further questions from her husband.
"Sure," James says quietly, not bothering to hide the tension in his voice this time. Lily winces. They have been arguing more than normal lately; more, even, than they had at Hogwarts. Of course, the content of their disagreements has changed dramatically from quibbles over where James hid her Charms book or why she wouldn't let him leave detention early. But constant stress has pulled both of their tempers taut, the breaking point easily exceeded by the smallest frustration.
James is frowning at his plate as Lily spoons stew onto it, and after she sends the pot back to the stovetop with a flick of her wand, she leans down to kiss him, lips lingering on his for a moment as a silent apology. "Thanks for cooking," she murmurs before moving to her own chair.
He nods, clears his throat to speak, but then shakes his head as if deciding against it and begins to eat in silence. Lily bites her lip, wishing he would look at her, but when his eyes remain fixed on his plate hers drop as well. For several minutes, she merely pushes her food around, nerves winning out over hunger in the roiling of her stomach.
Finally, unable to stand the silence any longer, James declares, "I know something's wrong. Will you please tell me what it is?"
Lily only looks at him, eyes pleading, as though willing him to guess what she desperately doesn't want to say.
Sighing in frustration, James pushes his fingers through his messy hair, a habit he'd never been able to shake. "I can't read your mind, Lil, Merlin knows you've reminded me of that hundreds of times over the—"
"I'm pregnant," Lily blurts out suddenly, effectively stopping any further words from passing her husband's lips. In fact, for a moment he looks much the way he did the first time she told him she loved him, dumbfounded and speechless. Then Lily had found it endearing, laughing at his frozen expression; now she twists her fingers anxiously in her napkin, waiting for him to say something.
Thousands of frantic thoughts tumble through James's mind, but the word that finally falls into the silent room is, "Why?" Lily's forehead crinkles slightly in confusion, and James shakes his head, a pink flush coloring his cheeks. "I mean, I know why, or how… it's just …. Merlin."
Lily feels her lip tremble at his words. He's supposed to comfort her, tell her everything is going to be all right, that he is excited for this child they are going to bring into the world…but of course he isn't, why would he be? He is just as frightened as she is, she can see it in his eyes. And even if there hadn't been a war going on, perhaps he would have been petrified anyway; they were only nineteen, barely out of childhood themselves, not nearly prepared to guide another young life through it.
"I'm scared, James," Lily whispers, voice shaky with unshed tears.
She watches him swallow hard, eyes still wide with shock behind his crooked glasses. "Yeah," he says at last.
Realizing she's been holding her breath, Lily lets it out in a sharp sigh. And suddenly, the tears she has suppressed for so long, the terrified sobs she chokes down whenever she thinks about the tiny life growing inside her, burst forth. James shoots out of his chair so quickly he almost knocks it to the floor, moving around the table to lift her into his arms, taking her seat and holding her on his lap. Lily buries her face in his chest, tears soaking his jumper, hands fisted desperately in the fabric.
"Hey," James says, brushing her hair back from her wet cheeks. "Lily, don't—it's okay." When Lily only continues to sob, he adds tentatively, as though trying to guess at the source of her fear, "You'll be a great mother."
"I kn-know," Lily manages, and James almost smiles at the slightly defensive note she forces into her tear-choked voice. Taking a few gulps of air to control herself, she adds in a steadier voice, "But how am I supposed to raise this baby during a war?"
"It'll be all right," James assures her, though he's not certain he believes his own words.
And though this is what Lily had hoped to hear, she says almost accusingly, "You don't know that."
"I don't," James agrees; the worry that constantly haunts him makes his stomach twist painfully.
"I just…I don't want our child to grow up without parents. Or…without a father," she adds, a shudder running through her at the horrible thought.
"Hey," James repeats, more firmly this time. He takes her chin gently between his thumb and finger, tilting it up to meet her eyes. Their green color is only made more striking by the tears they still hold. "I'm not going anywhere, all right? And d'you think Sirius would just let our kid be abandoned if something were to happen to us? Or Remus? Or Peter, or Marlene, or Dorcas? Bloody hell, even Fenwick would do something, and he hates children. Our child would have more parents than he'd know what to do with!"
"Or she," Lily corrects, but a smile is tugging at her lips.
"Right," James nods. "Either way, I'm teaching them Quidditch soon as they're old enough."
"And I will decide what that age is."
James feigns annoyance with a deep sigh, but soon he is grinning, too. Wiping away a stray tear with his thumb, James's expression grows serious again as he says quietly, "I love you, Lily, and nothing will ever change that. Whatever happens, we'll face it together, all right?"
Feeling once more on the verge of tears, albeit for an entirely different reason, Lily only nods, hoping that the kiss she presses to her husband's lips is enough to convey the depth of her gratitude and love.
Later, as they're lying in bed, James's arm secure around Lily's waist and her body curved into his, he says matter-of-factly, "We should ask Sirius to be godfather."
"Not a chance, Potter," Lily answers immediately.
"We'll see about that, Evans," James counters, slipping easily into the bantering manner of their Hogwarts days. "I'm very convincing, you know."
Lily sighs in response, but she's smiling as she closes her eyes, feeling content for the first time in weeks.
A/N: Happy Halloween everyone!
(p.s. for These Words readers, I'm working on the next chapter, I promise)