Title: Last Resort

Chapter:1

Author: Sabine Grey

Rating: Teen

Genre: Edward/Bella, Angst, Romance

Spoilers: Follows New Moon up to the middle of Chapter 18, so most of New Moon.

Summary: Small changes cause the end of New Moon to veer off course.

Disclaimer:The characters and events taken from her books most definitely belong to Stephenie Meyer, not me. I'm just having a little fun with them.

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I stood in the hallway of my house while time stopped. My best friend was leaning down to kiss me and I didn't think I was going to stop him. Although the first time I had seriously considered letting this happen was the day before, I knew that it had been on my mind for weeks, maybe months. Jacob was my Paris. I knew he was the only one who had any shot at helping me remake my life in the wake of my Romeo's destruction. But I had come to that conclusion yesterday. It didn't make the decision to let him kiss me a foregone conclusion.

After all, there was Jake to consider.

Of course, I had thought of Edward first, especially when his gorgeous voice echoed through my head, telling me to be happy. I knew that the hallucination, as false as it may be, spoke the truth. The real Edward did want me to be happy. While he couldn't love me anymore, he didn't want my life to be a misery. He wanted me to stay safe. Jake could keep me safe and, more than anyone else, save one, he could help me be happy.

But what about Jake?

That was the thought that kept nagging at me, over and over again throughout the day and night. He deserved more than to be loved as second best. Even if he would settle for it, he deserved more. And if I loved him, really loved him, wouldn't I want him to be loved in return as fiercely as he gave his love?

Yes. Of course I wanted that.

But I was weak, and he was persistent. The smell of him as he leaned in – he was so close now - made it very hard to think about right and wrong. I could give myself over to this. I really could.

Further complicating matters, as if that were even necessary, was the knowledge that Jake had not imprinted on me. Most of the time, I was grateful for that as I'd always assumed that it would increase my guilt exponentially. I did not believe that even the force of imprinting could impact my love for Edward. So if Jake had imprinted on me, I would have to deal with the fact that his life was ruined as well as my own. During my Paris epiphany while Jake slept yesterday, though, I had entertained the appealing notion that, if Jake had imprinted on me, its gravitational pull would have blown any other feelings I'd ever had away. It was a heartbreakingly wonderful what-if. In that alternate reality, Jacob and I would both truly be happy, together.

But Jake had not imprinted on me. And one day, he would. Could I do this again? Could I deal with the rejection that would translate into? I didn't think it could possibly be as bad as losing what I'd already lost, but who would be the one to help rebuild when it was Jacob who turned away from me? No, this was a terrible idea. My rational mind had known that.

But where was my rational mind now, as he leaned in to change our relationship forever?

These seemingly endless machinations halted jarringly when his lips touched mine. No more decisions to make, we had come to the point of no return.

It was better than I had expected. Warm and soft, totally unlike the last set of lips I'd kissed. When I thought of kisses, they were cold and hard. That was the way I liked them. So while the warmth and softness was expected, liking it so much wasn't. I felt his breath circling inside my mouth and blanketing down my spine. All my senses were telling me that here was an opportunity for life, for passion. My hands came up to his jaw and I drew him further into me. He pressed his body closer to mine and I gasped into his barely open mouth. I drew away reluctantly to look into his eyes, to cement our connection before finding his lips again. His beautiful brown eyes looked down on me, full of joy and fulfillment.

And then my chest exploded. Pain radiated out of a hole twice the size as any predecessor had ever been. My legs buckled and, in a split second, I was on my hands and knees, gasping for air, clutching at my chest, squeezing my eyes against the vision of butterscotch eyes that I had somehow expected to see in place of Jacob's. I knew it was Jacob the whole time. How could this have happened? What rogue part of me thought it would be him instead?

"Bella!" Jake was on his knees beside me, his usually comforting hand resting useless on my back. "Are you OK? I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't understand...Bells, please say something!"

"I can't...so sorry. Jake, so sorry..." I panted, finally pulling my head into my knees, rolling into a ball in an attempt to prevent my insides from spilling out. Please, I thought, let me die. I can't take this anymore.

Jacob carefully and quietly brought me to the couch. He knew better than to push right then, that the best he could do was hold me while I cried great racking sobs. I cried for the life we couldn't have together. I cried at the utter despair I felt, knowing that whatever happiness I might find could be destroyed in an instant by memories of a love that had wound themselves through every cell in my body, like a cancer. Now that the love was gone, the memories were malignant, searing, relentless.

When I had calmed into silence and taken my last breaths of the musky skin on Jacob's neck, I sat back on my heels next to him, looking down at my hands. I looked up at his concerned and confused face, knowing absolutely what I had to do. I smiled through a tear-streaked face, and ran my hands through his hair, from his forehead, across the crown and down the back of his neck, where they stayed.

"You have been the very best friend I could have asked for."

"Bella, stop..."

"Jake, you have to listen to me now. " I said resolutely. He looked like he didn't recognize me for a second and then closed his mouth, waiting.

I started again. "I wanted this for us, I wanted to try. How could I not?" I smiled broader, thinking of him – his light and his happiness. In spite of himself, he smiled back.

"And it was wonderful, unlike anything I've ever felt." I thought his face might split open if he grinned any wider. I took a deep breath.

"But I know now, I really know," I tried to infuse the word with the certainty that now permeated my bones, "that I can't love you in that way, that I can't love anyone in that way. Not anymore."

The temporary seals on my eyes broke apart as I said this, and tears rushed down my face. I was more grief-stricken than ever, but I needed him to be sure of what I said. I fought hard to keep my voice under control.

"You don't know that." he said belligerently, "You can't tell that from one kiss. It will get easier. I can be patient. You love me, Bella. I know you do. We have to try. We have to."

"I can tell from one kiss." I said sadly and my hands dropped away from his neck and rested across my chest. I looked at him meaningfully. Jacob, who watched me so carefully, would know what this meant.

"It hurts now, I get it. But you still don't have me convinced that it will always hurt. We can make something new together."

He wasn't going to let this be about me, about what I knew with absolute certainty. So I reluctantly turned to something I knew he couldn't refute. I didn't want to make it about him, but it was for him that I did.

"And what happens when you imprint, Jake? Let's say I give this a shot, against every self preservation instinct I have. What happens when you imprint?"

He stared at me, lost for words. When he spoke, his voice lacked conviction and I knew I had won. It didn't feel like a victory.

"Maybe I won't imprint. Maybe I will imprint on you eventually."

"You know from the legends that it doesn't work that way. It will happen eventually, and it will be the first time you see her." All of a sudden, I was jealous of this girl, this woman, who would have the future denied to me. It was surprising.

"It won't happen if I never see her."

I actually laughed, an absurd laugh, at this notion of Jake and me living as hermits in some cave in the cliffs.

"We can't shut the outside world out. You know all it would take is a visiting cousin, a visiting friend." Leah's face flashed in my mind. "Be reasonable, Jake. You know it's true."

His head dropped and I could see resignation in the slump of his shoulders. His rapid acceptance told me that he had been trying to deny this for some time. I felt so very sad for my friend just then. Desperately in love with a woman he knew he wasn't meant for. I hoped the one he was meant for would find him soon.

We wrapped our arms around each other and shed tears of grief and loss. This was our goodbye, at least for a little while. Maybe someday, after he'd imprinted, we could find each other again and re-establish our friendship, the friendship that had saved my life in more ways than one. My hold on him tightened as I wished for it greedily. Gradually my mind turned away from that future while I tried to memorize these moments, in case they were all we had left.