When I first heard about Blaine and Kurt's break up I wouldn't believe it. 'Wow, something broke off the mighty and strong relationship of Kurt and Blaine? Is this the end of the world?' I had thought bitterly. But then I heard that the reason was because Blaine cheated. At first I was offended; Anderson would cheat on Kurt with a random guy from facebook but not me? Come on. If he's gonna cheat with someone it's me, it's a given.
And then I became shocked, stunned and a tad concerned for Kurt.
I mean he really loved him, as sickening as it was. Kurt and me was quite similar even though we'd never admit it.
And Sebastian Smythe could not cope with two people attempting suicide because of him. Who knows? Blaine might have been tempted to cheat when I was around (because the boy could deny all he want but I knew he was attracted to me) but just couldn't. And the distance thing was maybe just enough to send him over the edge.
I felt a turn in my stomach at the thought of it and it was unpleasant. Guilt. Worry. Something I couldn't keep going around feeling all day.
So that's why, with only a little bit of hesitation, I took the subway to NYADA, asked around a little and found out that Rachel and Kurt shared an apartment in a shady part of the city.
It was rainy that one night and I remember being cold, soaked and frightened. What if I would arrive seeing a corpse? I pushed through my fear and actually managed to bring myself to knock on the wooden door.
"Who is it?"
The voice from inside was shaky, strained, weak and so unlike how it was just some months ago when it was defensive, proud and outspoken. But it was undeniably Kurt's voice. Something hot boiled inside of me at the change and I wondered for myself what I had even seen in Blaine. Blaine who was the cause of that change.
"Just open the door," I choked, relief washing over me like a wave when I realized that he was alive.
A pause.
"Sebastian?" his voice was tinted with disbelief. I didn't reply.
He opened the door after a while, revealing himself. He glared fiercely at me from where he was standing in the doorway with his arms around himself, clutching his elbows hard. But not quite as fierce as he had been just some months ago.
"W-What do you want? You heard about it right? Are you here to tell me how naive I was for- for thinking so highly of me and him? Are you here to make fun of me, s-say that I'm pathetic and that it was bound to happen because a gay face like me would never be able to satisfy him or anyo-"
"No," I cut him off harshly fast, "I would never." You are anything but pathetic.
He stared at me, his eyes glazed. "Then what the fuck do you want?" It was so painfully obvious that he was trying to come off as aggressive, trying to make his voice hard, but it just made me want to wrap him up in my arms even more.
"I-" I stopped in the middle of the sentence. What did I want? What did I come here to do in the first place? To check if he was alive?
"Are you okay?" I said, my voice shaky as well because of the cold.
Kurt opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again. His eyes were glued into mine, making it very hard for me to think and the pouring rain wasn't exactly helping. "I don't know," he finally said, looking down at his feet that were bare and pale.
"Can I come in?"
He nodded so I entered, "Where's Rachel?"
"On a date," Kurt said, his voice monotone and held no feeling. If it was old Kurt, just some months ago, he'd say it with a bitter edge, maybe even adding a dramatic sigh if he was feeling particularly good, with a roll of his eyes but his lips would be tugging in the corners as he tried to hold back his smile, his eyes glittering with amusement.
My heart felt a painful sting but I just stand there awkwardly after closing the door behind me.
"So you flew here from Ohio to ask me if I was okay?" He say, still holding his arms around himself defensively.
"Actually, I live in New York now. Studying medication." I explain to him, clasping my hands together.
He raised an eyebrow at me and I smiled at him slightly. "I wasn't joking around when I said that I'd try to make a better person out of me."
Kurt smiled at me softly and I wondered if it was genuine 'cause I really couldn't tell, but I did become really glad that I decided to come after all. "Good for you, Sebastian," he said.
Not wanting to beat around the bush anymore, I spoke straight to the point "So are you going to forgive him?"
His face fell and he shrugged, facing the wall.
"He doesn't deserve it," I pointed out.
Kurt turned swiftly, his grip on his elbows hard making his knuckles turn white and his face red with anger, gorgeous blue eyes teary. "Tell me why you're really here, Smythe. Was it to see if I had killed myself yet? Do people really think that little of me?" he spit, sending a shiver down my spine.
I gulp loudly, because he was right. And he deserved the truth. So I said "Yes."
He inhaled sharply, looking horribly hurt, and I hated myself at that moment.
"But don't lie to me, Kurt. Admit it, you considered it." I retorted rapidly.
He said nothing, just darted his eyes down at the floor. I said nothing as well.
Kurt's shoulders started shaking all of sudden and I step forward to him in alarm, pulling him into my arms and holding him in a tight embrace."I don't know what to do," he sobbed into my chest and my heart broke at the sight. No, more like shattered.
"You still love him," I offered, petting his soft hazelnut hair.
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, I have no idea about what I'm doing." He cry quietly in my arms and my sight was so blurry at that moment that I was basically blind.
"You're gonna be okay," I murmured into his hair.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that, everything seems pretty much hopeless right now."
I shook my head roughly and grip his shoulders, forcing him to look at me, "You're so very strong, Kurt. You can do this. Anything, you can do anything"
He wiped his tears out of his face with the back of his hand, searching my eyes when he's done. "Why are you so certain about this?"
"Because I just know, Kurt." And it wasn't a lie, I meant it. Somehow I just knew that Kurt could manage anything. Because I would never let myself fall in love with someone who couldn't. "I love you," I blurt before I even had a moment to think it through.
"What?" he stammers.
Kurt looks utterly confused and he shakes his head lightly. "O-oh, god. This is too much to take in, I, this-" he inhales deeply, eyes wide.
"I'm so sorry. I should g-" I begin but he cuts me off, "But I can handle this," he says clearly with the same determination I had heard in his voice just some months ago.
"It's overwhelming. But you're right, I'll manage," he's smiling a bit and I smile back. His smile is slowly growing wider and my tears shed because I'm just so proud of him.
"Sebastian, I'm gonna be okay."
And who I was staring at at that moment was not a heartbroken, lost person who had been considering suicide, no, I was staring at the same person I had seen in that small stupid cafe in Lima, that proud, strong, protective boyfriend who was trying to cockblock me and the guy with an insane amount of hair gel just some months ago.
And that person was absolutely beautiful.