and then maybe

"We were never like this before."

"I know."

The silence that had fallen upon the change room was disgustingly unbearable, and the atmosphere was bitter, almost heavy. The two larger shadows in the room that would, on any other day, be dancing along the walls, were disturbingly still. The sun's light shimmied through the room and gazed down on the two figures standing, waiting, for the other to speak.

"Fuck, Niou," the redhead spoke up again, leaning backwards and bringing his hand up to his hair in an almost nervous action. He laughed, a laugh that anyone was sure to see through. "Weren't—aren't we friends? Aren't we the best of friends? What are we doing? Isn't this stupid?"

The taller boy didn't move. There was just a slight quirk of the lips, and nothing.

"What are we doing, Niou?" he repeated, more to himself than to the person across from him. "We—we aren't like this." The redhead continued speaking, as though the only thing that would calm himself down was the sound of his own voice. The silence was too thick, too heavy. It had never been like this before. Marui had never thought it would be like this before.

But it was happening, and the only thing he could do was to keep acting like nothing happened, even though it was obvious that something had changed.

Marui couldn't see Niou's face. Niou had his head turned to the side, eyes downcast, and Marui knew that Niou was hiding something. Marui always knew, because they were friends. But Niou wasn't saying anything, and Marui was panicking because this time, he couldn't see Niou at all. He couldn't read him, couldn't see what he was thinking, and wasn't even sure if he wanted to or not.

Not knowing was the scariest thing that had ever happened to Marui.

It was scarier than the time Niou had come over and the two of them spent hours hunting for a ghost in Marui's basement that probably hadn't existed. It was scarier than the time they'd witnessed Kirihara's true demon form on the courts. It was scarier than the time Niou's sister had come after them because they'd been fooling around with her clothes and makeup.

They'd been through everything together. Together, they said that nothing was ever that scary.

This time, Marui was on his own, and he didn't know.

"Let's—let's go back, huh? Let's go back—to the way we were before. So—let's forget about this incident. Okay?"

"I like her."

Marui had secretly been expecting those words. He'd been expecting those words to come out of Niou's mouth. He'd been fully prepared for the impact. He'd imagined it over and over in his head. But imagining was not the same as the reality of those same words now.

"I like her, Marui, I like her, a lot."

Marui was numb.

Niou's words penetrated him, attacked the part of his heart where he swore that no one else would enter or be able to see. They were few, but heavy, and the sound of his low, serious voice made it so much more real.

His voice grew louder. "I like her more than you ever could."

Marui shook his head. "You knew—I told you that—"

"I know, and it just happened."

The words 'it just happened' didn't register properly in Marui's head. He lifted his face slowly to meet Niou's cold, blue eyes. "You knew I loved her," he whispered, brokenly.

"I did."

That was it? That was all he had to say? Did his feelings not matter to Niou anymore? Did they ever matter to him in the first place? When had they started competing? When had they started striving to reach the same goal?

"I talked to you about her." Marui spoke faster, louder. "I talked to you and said everything." It felt so disgustingly good to tell him straight out how he felt. "I—I told you about the problems I had with her. I asked you for advice, fuck, Niou, I trusted you, and… and…" He trailed off, and the anger subsided. The furious bubbling in the pit of his stomach stopped. His wrists trembled with shock.

"What the hell, Niou."

The sun was beginning to set, but neither werewas aware of it. The colour of the sky was a mix of bright orange, red, and pink. It was beautiful, but it gave a sense of loneliness and remorse.

"I've already asked her out."

There was nothing more to be said. Marui's eyes widened for a fraction of a second, but then he closed his eyes, turned his head to the side so Niou wouldn't be able to see the facial expression on his face. "…Oh?"

There was a brief hesitation. "She said yes."

"…I see."

The hesitation this time was much longer, and Marui felt as though a new gap had formed between them, one that would never disappear or bridge on its own. One that would never disappear completely.

I trusted you, Marui wanted to scream. He wanted to scream so badly, wanted to get the heavy feeling off his chest and away from him, away from where he was most vulnerable. But he couldn't scream because his lips were numb and screaming at Niou would lead to nothing but more anger and frustration.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then?" Niou's voice was soft, low, hesitant, and slightly hopeful all at the same time.

You weren't supposed to like her.

Marui paused, and then let the corners of his mouth quirk upwards. "Yeah. Sure. See you." His tone of voice was monotonous.

It didn't escape Niou's notice, and he moved towards Marui, reaching an arm out to console, to apologize, to do anything. If only it would make things better than they had become.

"Don't," Marui whispered fiercely. It burst out of his mouth before he'd even thought properly. But Marui had always been good at speaking before thinking, so for this time, he let it go. His arm was covering his face, hovering in front of his eyes. "Please. Don't."

Niou flinched. He stilled, and didn't.

Marui waited for the silent click of the change room door closing and dropped his arm, letting it hang limp against the side of his body.

He and Niou were changing. He and Niou had become so alike in such a strange way Marui wanted to hate it. He wanted to hate Niou, and at the same time, the bitter feelings held him back from acting upon anything else.

He couldn't hate Niou.

He and Niou had known each other for far too long to let anything happen between them, he'd always thought. He wasn't prepared for something he hadn't been expected.

Fuck, Niou, Marui whispered to himself, a voice so strangely familiar and so ironically quiet in his head, ringing. Fuck.

He would see Niou tomorrow. He would see Niou the day after. He would have to see Niou until the year ended, have to see his secretive blue eyes and the quirk of his lips that revealed nothing about himself.

Fuck.

The sun had long since set until Marui noticed the wet, salty substance sliding down his cheeks and dripping off onto the floor.

Alone, Marui sobbed, broken-heartedly into the night.

Owari

2010.03.22