"So... WHAT the HELL is going on exactly?" Cloud's voice shot up several octaves, an odd mixture of outrage and confusion. Beside him, Sephiroth assessed the situation clinically in a voice of deep, purring velvet.
" It would appear that somehow we have deviated from the predestined fates originally intended for us by the gods of Square Enix. By all appearances, the world of Gaia has been altered irreparably, and thus ourselves by association."
"Well thats just wonderful! Just brilliant! Don't ask me how THAT happened. And WHAT in the world are all these people doing staring at us!
Both men were standing on an open cliff top by a suspiciously familiar rusty sword, over-looking a vast city that appeared to be minus one Shinra building. Behind them on the cliff-top, an enormous crowd of people, dressed to the nines, appeared to be waiting for something, all their attention riveted on the two men standing before them. Cloud was visibly disturbed and nervous, fidgeting, while the General stood with his hands behind his back in a military stance, perfectly at ease, totally used to being the center of attention. After all, he HAD only been the Legendary General Sephiroth before that unfortunate Jenova incident. No thanks to Hojo of course; the bastard had messed with Sephiroth's mind and body so much that it wasn't really as if the General was to blame for his actions. He really hadn't been in his right mind at the time.
It was then that Cloud discovered something most unfortunate. " Where in name of the Goddess is my sword!" He wailed.
" Calm yourself, Cloud, I presume that in this new reality it is no longer needed, and thus no longer exists. As you can see, my own weapon has suffered a similar fate."
" Gosh Sephiroth! Stop talking so damn logical and get hysterical for once! You sound like a damn computer! I mean think of it! Our entire world has just changed wildly and everything as we once knew it is different! Heck, I don't even know what happened to Tifa!"
The General shrugged once, his impeccably perfect mane of glossy silver hair waving gently in the breeze, the sun turning it to liquid mercury. He didn't bother hiding the evil little smile that blossomed across his god-like features. " I suppose that like all other unnecessary and useless items, objects and persons that she has gone the way of your sword. However I can't for the life of me work up the gumption to lie and say that I'll miss her. I am an honest man if nothing else."
Cloud simply stared, his mouth flapping open in utter disbelief. Then the rusty cranks began to turn beneath all that fuzzy blond hair and he sprang to life like a puppet on strings, arms waving and legs dancing on the spot wildly as he shrieked! "WHAT! HONEST? Are you kidding me! You were a MAD MAN! And Tifa was NEVER useless, she was just..."
Sephiroth cut him off. " … A bitchy, preachy know-it-all who couldn't fight worth shit and bounced a pair of enormous hooters( Sephiroth shuddered) behind the tackiest outfit ever to walk Gaia. Bloody good she's gone if you ask me. Frankly I can't believe I didn't kill her properly the first time back when I burned that village. I must have been out of my mind." He finished, then flashed a crooked grin.
Well, to perfectly honest, Cloud couldn't really argue there, however, it was went against all things decent to let someone like Sephiroth say those things about his friend who lived with him in a said- questionable-relationship-in-the-upstairs-room-of-a-bar-and-who-may-or-may-not-have-been-his-girl-friend-at-one-point-in-his-life-and-whose-idea-was-it-to-move-in-together-anyway? But STILL! On principle, Cloud couldn't simply stand by and allow his shackeduproommateandorfriend to be insulted.
He'd just opened his mouth in preparation for an angry rant when suddenly he was stopped short as a form he knew so very well stepped forth from the crowd, blonde hair blowing in the wind, his white coat probably worth more than Cloud would ever see in ten lifetimes. The man practically danced up to them and clasped his hands together in a particularly girlish way and gave a most unmanly squeal of delight.
" O DARLINGS! How good it is to see you again! And in your right minds too! How are you, Beautiful?" Rufus flung himself on Sephiroth, grabbing the man in a tight hug before reaching down for a quick grope of the General's oh-so-sumptuous ass.
Sephiroth said nothing, but peeled the man off of him slowly, then quickly passed him to Cloud, who gasped as he was caught and lifted clear off the ground in an spine snapping squeeze. Then suddenly Rufus dropped him back to his feet and seized Clouds tie, quickly straightening it and brushing imaginary dust from Cloud's shoulders. " O gracious darling! You look absolutely handsome in this getup! We soooooo should have stuck you in one sooner don't you think!"
Cloud didn't respond. He stared dumbly as Rufus fussed over him, his brain still processing the fact that he was wearing a tie. Where had THAT come from? He certainly didn't recall putting one on that morning before his world had suddenly turned itself on its head.
Rufus buzzed around him like a happy bumble bee, chattering on about things he never heard. Slowly, Cloud glanced down at himself, noticing for the first time what he was wearing.
It was a suit, a very expensive suit by the look of it. It fit him perfectly as if it had been made more him, the cloth hanging just the way it should, with no wrinkles or baggy parts. He didn't even have to roll the cuffs up on the pants! Hurrah!!!!! And his shoes. Spanking brand new dress shoes, so shiny he could see his reflection in them.
Beneath his suit coat he wore a shirt of dove grey silk, and a tie of the same shade of navy blue as his suit. In his breast pocket a brilliant white rose just begged to be sniffed, it looked so fresh.
Then suddenly Cloud's brain tuned back in to what Rufus was babbling about and realized that the man was talking to Sephiroth.
" You look totally ravishing darling! I could just eat you up right now!"
Hmmmm, that was disturbing.
The man giggled, and Cloud could practically see the flowers and oh-so-corny hearts sparkling in his eyes as he cooed and reached out to the feel the enormous train of heavenly white silk that spilled around the General like a pool of milk.
...wait....
Cloud did a double take, and then promptly screamed with terror, nearly flying out of his suit. ( a most unfortunate thing that would have been, as the large crowd of people would have caught a glimpse of his lucky Micky Mouse underpants.)
Cloud's voice could have shattered glass. " YOU'RE IN A DRESS! A DAMN DRESS FOR GODDESS SAKES!"
Sephiroth and Rufus stilled and both glared at the offending blond who was already turning several interesting shades of blue and green. Sephiroth snorted and looked down his perfect nose disdainfully. " Thank you, Cloud, for stating the obvious. It is in fact a Kimono, if you must be so crude about it. Believe me, it costs more than you could ever make in a year, so if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut it."
Rufus joined him in the snobbery, enthusiasticly nodding his agreement. " Exactly my dear! Well put! Men are so utterly tasteless and boorish nowadays! No fashion sense whatsoever! Cloud, you disappoint me! Say something nice before you hurt Sephiroth's feelings. Hurry up, this instant!"
His poor brain unable to take much more insanity, Cloud did the only thing possible, he approached Sephiroth and took a good long look at the dress ( omgosh he's wearing a dress!).
It was indeed a kimono, rich and lavishly made, all white silk of the purest kind, glimmering like snow in the sunlight and pooling behind him in a massive train that stretched a good twelve feet. Its borders and edges were trimmed with the finest black, while at Sephiroth's neck a delicate silver chain sporting an elegant green jewel cut in the shape of a swan gleamed against his long creamy throat. Matching green studs glittered in his ears, setting off the wild feline eyes and bringing them out like fireworks.
All that long mercury hair was tied up in a half-back, the upper portion twisted into an elegant knot and held in place with twin white Hair Sticks. Each were engraved with black jet and sported dangling tassels of purest white from their tips. The rest of the General's hair fell like a long silver waterfall all the way to the back's of his knees.
In his hands, only the fingertips visible from the folds of the enormous ankle length sleeves, Sephiroth held a large and elegant bouquet of white lilies, beautifully tied with a ribbon of black silk.
Cloud swallowed, his mouth suddenly and strangely dry. " Beautiful." he croaked.
Seeming pleased, Sephiroth winked slyly and then glanced down at Rufus expectantly. Instantly, the man leaped into action with a happy cry.
" Wonderful! Then lets get this wedding started!" Behind them, the crowd erupted with cheering and three Turks bounded from hiding.
"WHAT!" Cloud screamed as he was suddenly seized and restrained, his arms twisted behind his back and held there by Rude. Reno caught him in a headlock and snickered wickedly as Cloud squirmed and struggled to no avail.
" Whoohooo, bout time you finally got hitched dude, we were all starting to think that you were gonna die and old man all alone in that church."
"HEEEELLPPP!" Cloud howled, but the crowd only waved back and cheered.
Stepping up to Sephiroth, Tseng offered his arm, and when the General accepted it, gracefully led him to stand just so beside his reluctant husband-to-be.
Smiling broadly, Rufus took up his position, spreading his hands benevolently.
" We have gathered here today to witness this joining..." He began.
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Cloud wailed, still struggling.
" O shut up, Cloud." Sephiroth hissed from the corner of his mouth. " You chased me all across Gaia for all those years and it never occurred to you that I might just let you catch me one day?"
" By the power vested in me by myself, because I'm rich enough that you can't do anything about it..."
Cloud began to sob, and Sephiroth reached over and gently smoothed away the tears, catching them on his long white sleeve.
" Does anyone have the rings?" Rufus asked.
On cue, Vincent Valentine himself stepped from the crowd, the masses of people parting before him like water as he approached. In his hands he carried an elegant crystal tray draped with soft white silk. On it glittered two rings, both of pure mithril, glittering with tiny green gems.
As he presented the tray, swathed in all his red gothic finery, he didn't seem the least concerned for Cloud's predicament, in fact, the little swordsman could have sworn he looked pleased.
" How could you?" Cloud whimpered miserably as Sephiroth reached behind Cloud's back and slipped the smaller of the rings on his ring finger. Sephiroth then slipped the larger ring on his own finger, his smile pure wickedness.
" What kind of father would I be if I didn't attend my own son's wedding?" Vincent bowed and moved to stand behind Sephiroth, reaching down to make a last minute adjustment of that long white train. Then he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on a lily-white cheek as Sephiroth bend down to receive it.
" I now pronounce you husband and...husband? Wife?" Rufus faltered for a second, glancing to Sephiroth for guidance.
" Husband." the General murmured lowly. Behind him, Vincent Valentine glowed with pride.
" Just Ducky love!" Rufus giggled. " I now pronounce you Husband and Husband. By all means have a good smooch!"
Cloud whimpered helplessly as Sephiroth bent down expectantly and waited, mere inches from his face, long luxurious lashes sweeping down to seductively frame the feline gaze.
Cloud gasped in pain as Rude roughly twisted his pinned arms, and Sephiroth's low silken voice purred just inches from his ear. " Hurry up and kiss me little man."
Opening his mouth to wail one last time for help, Cloud never got the chance as the General swooped in and captured his lips in a kiss, sliding his tongue deep and stopping Cloud's cry before it came."
The crowd cheered and rushed forward to congratulate the new couple. In seconds Cloud was surrounded by friends and strangers alike, all of them thumping him on the back enthusiastically ( avoiding the Turks who still clung to him) while Rufus cooed over all the cuteness in background and Vincent blew his nose on his cloak, wailing about 'his little baby all grown up' .
Cloud's arms were released and Sephiroth finally gave him his mouth back, leaving Cloud gasping for air. Then the General rose up to his full 7' height, laughing madly and flung his bouquet over his head into the crowd. There was a mad scramble, and then a high voice shrieked. " I GOT IT! I GOT IT ! So sorry suckers!"
Cloud wept softly as the last person on earth he had expected to see raced by waving the bouquet, pink ribbons flying.
" Aerith, w...why?" he moaned.
She didn't appear to hear him, and soon his captors released him so that his newlywed Husband could sweep him off his feet and carry him to the large reception table hidden down at the base of the hill. The cake that awaited then was truly enormous, towering over a story tall and pure white; delicious cream lilies adorned its rims.
Suddenly, Sephiroth shifted his sagging huband beneath one arm and used his free hand to point. " It appears I was wrong, little man. Our swords survived after all."
Cloud took one look and then fainted dead away at the final insult to his masculinity and his sanity.
Resting on a sprawling table amid silk cloth, their two swords waited to be sacrificed up to the cake god. Bringing Sephiroth his sword and offering it handle first, Vincent smirked. " Make sure to cut the slices evenly."