He was here again. Nursing a beer and slowly tearing tiny little chunks out of a beer mat. He didn't raise his eyes. He just looked into his beer.
Something about the way he held himself made her heart go out to him. His shoulders were slumped, his head down, his eyes lowered. He was defeated.
She looked around the room, several men had their eyes on her. Always men looking at her. She wished she'd worn a better top. This one showed too much skin. What a stupid thing to do. She folded her arms over her breasts timidly and looked down at her vodka, lemon, lime and bitters mix.
Her eyes strayed back up to the lad.
She couldn't tell how old he was. Certainly younger than herself. She had turned 30 last week. Maybe a younger lover would perk up her mood? It had been 2 years, no over 2 years since her last boyfriend and her had broken up. 2 years of no sex. Ugh. No. Over 2 years. UGH!
"I am a strong, feminist woman. I can do whatever I want. I am more than my body." She whispered to herself as she unfolded her arms and stood up slowly, straightening her spine.
Instantly she heard appreciative hisses. She closed her eyes and fought the urge to cover herself and when she opened them she was looking at the young man again. He was really rather fit. And she deserved to have a good time.
She walked across the room, her hips swaying like she was wearing heels, even though she wore sensible flat shoes. She had the most outrageous hourglass figure with hips and breasts that curved inward to her waist so rapidly it could break the land-speed record. Caramel blonde hair that fell in soft feminie curls down her back. And a face that made most women weep with envy. Full lips, large aqua blue eyes that were filled with light and expression, a small nose that wasn't so small that it looked unnatural. Long slender fingers, with elegant hands. Long shapely legs with a pert round arse. Everything about her was as if she were written for a men's porno magazine. She was a blonde Jessica Rabbit. A modern day Marilyn Monroe. She understood that she was perfection according to society's standards. But she was so sexualised and so objectified that she was alienated by her own body. She was sick of being defined by her body. She was so alone because of this god awful body. No one ever really saw her because of this body.
She put all of that from her mind as she sat down next to the attractive young man. He looked so miserable.
She turned to him but he hadn't looked up. She fought the urge to cover her breasts with her arms again. And cleared her throat.
"Hi I'm Janice, can I buy you a drink?" She looked down at his mostly full pint and felt her body slump in embarrassment.
"Nah it's alright Janice. I got a pint."
"Well maybe I can offer you some company?"
"Not sure I'd be good company."
"Oh yeah?"
"I'm not much in a talking mood." She tried to make herself feel as though her skin was becoming as hard as steel, tried to make herself as strong as possible so her voice wouldn't quake as she spoke.
"Maybe we don't need to talk. Maybe you can come back to my place?" He looked up at her for the first time. She'd never been rejected when she had been brave enough to be forward like this, so she was reasonably confident and her insides started to shake at the thought of finally breaking the drought.
But he didn't look her up and down like every other man she'd met. He smiled sadly and looked back at his beer.
"No, it's ok love. You're not my type."
She sat in the following dumbstruck silence and felt as if her body had swollen to the size of a really angry zit. She felt embarrassed and ashamed. And then she remembered Kirsty, her sister, and Kirsty's partner Rhiannon.
"Are you homosexual?" She asked excited. That's fine! Perfect even! . Maybe she would get to make a friend tonight. That's just as good as a shag.
He was chuckling, but there was no happiness in that laugh.
"No." He answered eventually, "no, I'm more… Rae-sexual."
"Rae-sexual? Oh I see! Who's Rae? Is he as handsome as you?"
"Rae as in Rachel." His mind flashed to her annoyed face when she had said those exact words to him. It felt like a physical blow to his body and she noticed how he seemed to collapse in on himself a little when he said that.
"Rachel Earl." He whispered softly and took a large swig of his beer.
"Can you tell me about her?"
"Why do you want to hear about Rae? You can leave with any guy here."
"Yeah, but I don't want to leave with just any guy. I want a special guy. And since I have no chance of leaving with you, I need something else to do. Come on, the night is young and I'm not ready to go home alone yet."
The young man smiled and it lit up his face.
"Janice did you say?"
"Yeah." She held out her hand.
"I'm Finn." He shook her hand.
They settled down into silence and Janice ordered another drink.
"I don't even know where to start." He shook his head as if trying to slowly get his thoughts in order.
"Well start from the moment you first met."
"I'd rather not. I was a bit of dick."
"I find that hard to believe."
He did that sad little laugh again. She noticed that he was still slumped over his beer, even though his face was a little livelier.
"No, I was."
"Well, start from the first moment you knew you liked her, then."
"It were at a mate's pool party." His hands stopped unconsciously picking at the bar mat and his eyes hazed over with memory, "she was sitting around in a bathrobe keeping the music going." He turned his eyes to Janice, they were alive and lit like a bonfire, "She got great taste in music." He turned back to his pint and downed it on one long gulp, then signalled for another before continuing. "Anyway, Chloe, her best mate, right, she goes over and says something to her. And then Rae gets up and like the most…. Majestic person ever she slips this bathrobe off."
Of course, it was her body that first attracted him. Of course. She tried to not let her body betray how disappointed she was.
"And she walked along the side of the pool. She was wearing this one piece thing, and the other girls were in bikinis I think. I don't really remember." He looked down at the beer mat.
"What happened then?" She tried to put aside her disappointment. Tried to not judge.
"Well she got onto this slide thing right? That goes into the pool. And she got stuck. And she had all these marks on her thighs. And everyone could see that she was stuck, and everyone could see the marks. She said it were an accident later on – the marks on her thighs."
"She self-harmed?" Janice understood, her sister had gone into therapy and sometimes talked about some of the things that kids did to themselves to deal with pain. Nothing specific about individual people, just general trends. It terrified her sister that more and more kids, especially girls, were cutting themselves as a coping strategy. Even young women and older women were doing it. It had always happened, but it was growing in the youth.
He nodded and lowered his eyes. There was no mirth now. He seemed to crumple in on himself even further. Janice worried that this Rae had killed herself.
"You know you couldn't have helped her." She tried to sooth. He aggressively tore at the beer mat. And that was why she was not a therapist. Total wrong thing to say apparently. Change the topic.
"You said she got stuck in the slide?" Janice said with more confusion than she felt. She assumed that Rae had been hanging her leg over the side and had gotten it caught in a support strut or something.
"Yeah." He answered softly, so much pain in his voice that Janice felt her innards churn. But he had stopped tearing the beer mat again.
"And there she was stuck, and she knew everyone were looking at her. And I could see the terror in her eyes. But then I saw something just come over her. It's like when you put milk in tea you know – you see the milk just infuse the tea. It was like that – I saw it just go through her. This amazing strength and courage. And she just looked at Chop, and said something about could he use his big guns to get her fat arse out of the slide. It were perfect."
Fat? Rae was fat?
She hadn't expected that. Her disappointment vanished and she smiled at him as his eyes moved as if he were watching Rae move around that pool in his memories, "and I felt…" He stopped and blushed and looked back down at his pint.
"You got a stiffy." She asked with bemusement.
"Well, started to." He mumbled clearly embarrassed. "So I looked down and tried to not be a creep, you know? But there was just something so powerful in the way she handled herself. Like at first she had seemed like a hatchling out of the nest, but actually she ended up being an albatross – it was that… that…" He searched for the word.
"Contrast. Juxtaposition. Unexpectedness." She suggested.
"All of it!" He laughed. His face was like the sun when he smiled, dangerous to look at but so beautiful, it was more than just the good genetics he had, it was that light in his eyes, the genuineness, the way he made you feel like you were seeing into his soul when his mouth turned up and his eyes sparkled. It was his love for this Rae that made him so beautiful.
"It were the fact that she had been so, I guess, scared, and she was just so brave – she overcame it. I'd never met no one not half as brave as she were in that one moment. That's what did it. That's when I knew I loved her."
"Really? Quite sudden."
"Oh aye." He agreed with a cheeky grin. "Most sudden thing of my life. But I knew it. But then I kept thinking 'well there's two problems with that Finn, 1. She hates you and 2. You're 17 mate! Get your fucking head straight – you're not in love at 17!' but I were, and I still am."
17. Fuck. This lad's 17. Janice looked away from him for a moment and shook her head slowly. Holy fucking hell.
"I tried to sit next to her the whole fucking night, even in the fucking steam room. I were pathetic."
"She hates you?" Janice squeaked out and then took a huge gulp of her drink and struggled to swallow it silently. Seven. Teen. Oh dear. Her hands were shaking as she signalled for another drink. She looked at him from the side of her eye and saw that he was less slumped now, his shoulders were starting to square. Thinking about Rae was making him less depressed it seemed. She doubted that would last, eventually he'd remember that he was in a pub sitting with her, Janice, rather than Rae.
"Yeah. I were a dick when we first met."
"Cos she was fat?"
"No. I don't care about that. A person's more than their body aren't they?"
Janice felt her heart reaching out to this boy.
"Yes." She whispered, tears in her eyes. She was definitely going to try to maintain a friendship with this young man. He was extraordinary.
"I guess I'm just a grumpy sod. I don't like meeting new people." He shrugged and looked back at the bar tender as he served another guy. The customer kept looking towards them. Finn looked the around the room. A lot of guys were looking at them.
"You're doing a good job right now."
"Yeah I got better at it after Rae." He was distracted and looking around the room.
"What is it?"
"I think I'm gonna get my head smacked in talking to you." She saw the eyes on her, she had managed to forget them for a minute; hearing Finn's story.
"No you won't, this is my brother's bar. We're fine here."
"Not a bad brother to have, as brothers go." Finn's alertness seemed to melt from him like ice under a hot sun. He slumped back to miserable right before her eyes.
"He is pretty good." She looked at him and put her hand up to her mouth and her brother nodded; he knew she wanted some food. He'd get something from the kitchen. "So, did she ever stop hating you?"
"Yeah. It took a while. I think the first time she started to hate me less was when I told her to put a boot up my best mate's arse." He saw Janice's look of surprise and felt a smirk cross his face. "She didn't know he were gay, and he kept hiding it by making out with girls. He was being a real twat."
"Sounds like he deserved it."
"They're real close now. Archie and Rae. I were right jealous of that for a long time."
"I can't imagine you being jealous of anyone. Especially not your gay mate."
"Yeah but I didn't know if Rae knew he were gay, and I thought she fancied him. I'm pretty jealous of her current boyfriend."
"What's he like?"
"He just gets her."
He didn't say anything for a long time. He started to tear apart the beer mat again, he grabbed a second one and started on that. He thought of the way she looked when she had said that to Chloe. She really like Liam. He was important to her. He moodily swigged his drink and sat in silence, his bitterness at Liam growing.
"You said she stopped hating you?"
"Yeah." His mouth was rigid now. His muscles flexed as he tried to control an anger that she didn't understand.
"Why are you so angry Finn?"
"Cos he don't look at her right!" The outburst was unexpected, quiet, but filled with so much hatred, Janice moved back slightly.
"What do you mean?"
"He doesn't look at her like he's lucky to have her."
"How does-"
"He looks at her, Rae, who I love, like he's settling. She deserves better."
His hand gripped the glass tightly and Janice felt herself move closer to him. She reached over and took the glass from his hand. She didn't want to have to take him to the hospital if he broke it in the vice-like grip. She left her hand in his hand and instantly his fist went limp; his body loosened up. She had read him right. He would not risk hurting her by squeezing her hand.
"Calm down Finn. You have to finish telling me everything. Then at the end I'll give you some advice about it all ok? Deal?"
His eyes that had been a little glazed cleared and he nodded slowly.
"Deal." His voice sounded small. This poor lad was so broken. What had happened?
Love happened. Unrequited love. That's always what breaks us. She knew it was true. She took her hand out of his and patted him on the back gently. She tried to make her body less stiff, less on guard and sat down on the stool again.
"Ok Finn. So when did she start liking you?"
"I think. I think she stopped hating me when I smashed this guy that were being a right fucking twat."
"Ok." Janice nodded slowly, still keeping things calm. It's not that she really thought he'd get violent with her, it was more that if it looked like he was going to, one of several men in this place would take it as their cue to smash him one. Her brother included. And he didn't deserve that.
"She were in a right foul mood. I noticed she had this real nice white skirt on right, and she wanted to do the music for the trip. But I wanted to do it so that… I dunno, it sounds daft, but I wanted to kind of give her a really long mix tape. Show her I knew my music too, and maybe slip a few in there that kinda hinted at how I were feeling. It's stupid."
"No it sounds real sweet."
He smiled in reply and turned the third beer mat around and around in his fingers.
"She went off at Chop. I'm not really sure why, and then she went to the bathroom."
He could feel his toes clenching in his shoes. Feel the sickness in his belly.
"I have a bad habit of watching her go when she leaves. And she had…" He paused, not for himself, but for her. For Rae. But it's not like Janice would ever meet Rae, so he pressed on; "I watched her leave to go to the bathroom, and there were a stain. A red stain."
"Oh no." Janice covered her mouth. Finn watched her hands go up to her mouth and he knew that Janice had experienced something like this herself. Maybe all girls had?
"When she came back, she kinda snuck past me and I didn't realise that she were gone. The other guys were gone, but I hung around so I could give her a lift home, so she didn't have to walk with the stain, you know? I heard some dickheads blokes yelling shit outside and I looked up and it were her they were yelling at. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but I could see the look on Rae's face. And it were enough."
"Enough to make you hit them?"
"Just the one. I can't remember exactly what happened, so much adrenalin, you know? But after it were done, I saw her face, and it looked… I dunno… I couldn't read it. I freaked out a little. I mean. I worried that maybe, maybe she don't like boys who use their fists, you know. So I just asked her if she were alright and then I left. I were such a twat. I should have given her a lift!"
"No, you're not a twat." Her voice seemed choked, she had a fair idea what they were yelling at Rae. Finn looked at her face closely, her eyebrows were drawn together and her hands were loosely clenched, but she kept rubbing her thumbs with her through her fingers.
"I wish you'd hit them more." She added softly. "There's nothing worse than the fucking male gaze. It fucks up all us girls." Finn nodded, something started to churn over in his head.
"Did she like your mix tape?"
"She didn't get to hear it. She didn't come with us. Had to do something with Chloe, I think it were real important. She's a good friend like that. Still," His smile, always tinged with sorrow, "I were gutted. She told me that not everyone would have defended her. Made me feel… I dunno… like she really saw me for a minute. I felt naked. I liked it. Although, when she did see me topless I were right self-conscious."
"You? Self-conscious?" Finn could see she was almost laughing.
"Don't laugh, I don't really like my body."
"I understand." She said fiercely, "I don't think anyone does."
"It's daft really." But that churning that had started in his mind picked up what she had said. No one likes their body.
"Why'd she see you topless?"
"At football, I took my shirt off, cos I were playing the skins team. You know, it weren't the first time she saw me topless either. We'd already done the pool party." He shook his head incredulously. "It's just that by that time I loved her so much that… I knew I weren't good enough for her. Anyway, then there were this party right… and I thought we was friends, but she were being real mean to me. And I were hoping that we'd end up, you know, getting together at that party, but instead, she tells me she don't want to be my friend."
"Oh, Finn… are you ok?"
"That's the night me Gran died. I'd been real worried about her, and I called the hospital to see how she was. Rae walked in on me crying. And. And she held me."
Silence for Finn was always disturbed by all of his feelings. Especially this one. She had known what to say and what to do, and they'd ended up talking-
"- most of the night. I was able to sleep because she was next to me. If I'd been by myself I'd have been awake all night. But she was there."
He couldn't stand the silence. In that silence all his feelings rushed at him like he was walking down the middle of the motorway and all the headlights speeding towards him could be the one that hit him.
He looked up at Janice and saw tears in her eyes. He tried to smile to comfort her, but it felt dead on his lips. She took a shuddering breath and nodded for him to continue.
"After that we was like proper pals. We spent loads of time together. Had lots of little things that were just between me and her. I felt real happy, every time I saw her. She was just so kind and funny and clever, and she just always knew what to do or say. And her smile."
He fell silent for a long time, remembering all the times she'd smiled at him.
"It were like magic." His hands found the beer mat fragments and picked some up, then let then fall from his hands. Pick them up. Let them go. Pick them up. Let them go.
"On the night her Mum got married, she told everyone that she'd been in a mental institute."
"Really?" Janice was stunned; she had been building up an image of this perfect girl in her mind's eye for the past hour and this was an unexpected turn.
"Yeah, and she…" That heart-breaking smile, "she looked right at me when she said she'd been thinking about some boys more than others. I were elated at first, and then I worried that maybe she hadn't meant what I thought she meant. Her Mum had to talk to her, and I had to go walk it off, you know?"
"So you didn't ask her if she meant you?"
"Well her friend Chloe caught up with me, told me that Rae meant me, she wanted to make sure I knew it and that I were gonna be good to her best mate."
"It sounds like those two are really close."
"Yeah, you can tell they really love each other, but sometimes I think… I mean I might be way off base. But sometimes I think they're jealous of each other. But I don't know. Anyway, I went to the chip shop where we spent so much time to get some smokes to calm my shit down. But they were shut. So I just kinda tried to pace it off a little before I went back to talk to her. I started thinking about what I were gonna say to her. Trying to get a little speech so I didn't sound like a fucking twat. I felt like my skin were on fire, or had bugs under it or like there was a living thing in my guts ready to burst out of me… all of it at once. She liked me. She fucking liked me! I could have been with her all this time if I'd only said something!" He chuckled, an almost completely happy smile, his hands not fidgeting with the beer mats. He was deep in the memories of what had happened. "And then she just fucking appeared, and I weren't ready for it. So I just said, why didn't you tell me?" That happy chuckle again, "Fuck I were a prat." He sat up, his spine sore and aching as he straightened. "I still remember the way she felt in my arms that night. She didn't believe I liked her. She told me not to say it unless I meant it. I told her that I didn't care if she believed me. I think that were my first mistake. I should have cared. I should have tried to prove it to her. I took too much for granted. I just finally had her, and I didn't think any further than how good it was to be able to touch her. I felt like my head was gonna float off. I just kept laughing. The first time we kissed…"
He could smell her, taste her if he closed his eyes. He tried not to blink, if he did, he'd taste her, and tears would come. He bit his bottom lip to get control. And slowly he closed his eyes, his hands clenched over the beer mat pieces in them. And she was there, clearly in his memory, the way she looked as she babbled about paranoia and weirdness. He had suddenly realised that she was a nervous as he was about kissing. And that had made him as brave as she was. He'd kissed her, mid-sentence. It was, without a doubt, the most anticipated, and best kiss, he had ever experienced.
And then that moment – that thing she said - happened. He should have realised that it was an important moment. But he'd underestimated it; he'd missed it.
"She told me I didn't have to kiss her because I felt sorry for her. I told her I was kissing her because I wanted to. I'm only just really beginning to realise how important that moment was." He heard Janice's intake of air. "Yeah I fucked up. I know it."
"No listen Finn, I don't know if you could have helped her. Don't beat yourself up."
"I were her boyfriend, it were my job to help her. I were blind, I didn't put it together. I were always worried that she were just into me cos I'm supposed to be the fittest boy in school. I worried that once she got closer to me she'd see how boring I was. The longer we were together, the more she pulled away from me when we got closer, the fact that she wouldn't be seen with me in college. I weren't good enough for her. She dumped me. Said she just wanted to be friends right?"
"Finn…"
"I went back into that empty house. I had been thinking we'd be together for the first time that night… but I were alone. And I didn't have her anymore. I had this really black moment when I thought it might be better to not be around than to not have Rae. To not be with her. I had to find a way to deal with the pain. I started to understand why Rae cut herself. I wondered what had happened to her to cause her that much pain that she had to cut. I hated myself for not thinking about this stuff when I were with her; for not realising that she weren't better even though she said she was. That's why I weren't good enough for her. I didn't pay enough attention. I didn't get her."
"So how'd you deal with the pain?" She saw his body tense up.
"Actually, I just ended up doing pushups until I couldn't move." His shoulders ached at the thought of it. He remembered the pain in his arms. He realised he was tensing his body and made a conscious decision to soften his muscles. He took a few deep breaths.
"I tried to be alright with it. Gave her back her music. Tried to be friends. Watch that fucking twat Liam moving in. Got a new girlfriend. And she were nice."
"But she wasn't Rae."
"No. She weren't Rae. Every day was just endless grey. So I realised that I were right – I'd rather no be around than not be with Rae. I went to her place to tell her… to ask her…"
But the memory was too raw.
To. Be. Continued.
The memory of touching her body, of the way she moved under him, the taste of her mouth, his fingers on her, in her, the way she shook with pleasure. All the fantasies he'd had about what would come after 'to be continued'
All gone.
All they had now when 'to be continued' was spoken was stilted conversation and another reminder that she just did not love him. She did not want him.
To. Be. Continued.
"The worst thing is that my head keeps saying that she never did love me. She just fancied me for my body." He drained his pint, "and so I'm here. Drinking." He motioned for another pint, but Janice signalled for her brother to ignore it. She looked down at her untouched sandwich and considered her options from here.
"Do you really believe that?"
"No. Yes. Fuck."
He looked up behind the bar and saw a picture advertising vodka. Janice watched his eyes.
"What do you see?"
"A thin girl, holding a glass of vodka and a creepy guy looking at her."
"Yeah. Notice how her thighs are thinner than her knees?"
"Yeah. And the way that guy is looking at her is so…"
How did he not see it sooner?
Was this really what everything was about?
Nobody likes their body – Janice had said that.
How had he missed this?
The way Rae flinched when his hands touched her body, the way she looked at Chloe.
The things she'd said" you don't have to kiss me cos you feel sorry for me.
I'm a 4 and you're an 11.
People must wonder how did he end up with THAT?
His eyes looked out at the room. He saw one of the men looking at Janice, his eyes crawling greedily over her body. Janice looked a bit like the girl in the billboard poster near his house; the one in her bra saying 'hi boys.'
He never saw girls like Rae in advertising. Or on the telly.
Everyone hates their bodies.
"But Rae hates her's more than most people." He whispered to himself. Janice had watched his face change from confusion to dawning realisation.
"Beauty is a funny thing Finn. Girls are taught that it's one of the most important things about us…. But what is beautiful goes in and out of fashion like clothes! 100 years ago, your big girl Rae would have been the height of beauty. Now, she's considered ugly by a society that is obsessed with appearance, and particularly, with female thinness."
"What?" He screwed his face up in disgust and anger. "But she IS beautiful!"
And then then the reason why she had dumped him really came to him. It wasn't just that she didn't think she was beautiful, that she thought he was fit. That he was an 11, and she was a 4, that she wasn't good enough for him – he understood all of that – he could fix that. But would she ever forgive him for letting her believe it… he'd never told her otherwise. He'd never told her what he knew to be true – that she was the most beautiful woman on the planet – inside and outside. She was perfect. He never told her that she was an 11. He never told her all the reasons he liked her. Nay, loved her.
"I feel sick." He was numb. Why had this never occurred to him?
"Why?"
"I didn't see it. I failed her so much more than I thought I had."
"You only saw her through your eyes. Not through hers. That's normal Finn."
She jumped off the bar stool and grabbed the sandwich.
"Now then, where is Rae?"
"Lincolnshire."
Janice looked up at the clock.
"You got a car?"
"It's in the shop, carburettor's out."
"Ok. I've got some time then." She took his hand and led him to her car. She enjoyed the angry stares of those men that had been treating her like prized meat all night. None of them were going to 'win' her.
"How do you stand them looking at you all the fucking time?" Finn asked once they were outside.
"I don't. I hate it, but all women grow up under the male gaze Finn." She opened her car door and signalled for him to get in.
"I'm not… I'm not interested in…"
"Any girl other than Rae, I know. But I'm off work for the next week. And I've got a friend in Spalding. Where's your lass?"
"Stamford."
"Ok. Not too far. I'm not expected for another 2 days, but I'm sure she'll accept it, even at this time of night. We've been friends since we were little girls."
"I can't go back."
"You're not gonna go get her?"
"She's got Liam."
"Finn. Do you really think she loves him?"
Finn's mind went over everything that had happened between him and Rae.
"Think honestly Finn. Is Rae just settling, like you think Liam is?" Finn already knew the answer.
He sat with a thud in Janice's car.
"I wouldn't know what to say to her."
"What were the last words you said to her?"
"To be continued."
"Well then, you're just doing what you said you'd do."
Rae shot up like a bullet in the bed. Liam grunted.
Wait.
Did Finn tell Chloe he couldn't stop thinking about me?
"Turn on the light Liam."
"I don't want to."
In the caravan, there were lights and candles everywhere. And Finn had reached to take my clothes off. Even with the lights off Liam wasn't trying to get all of my clothes off. Just my pants. Which are around my ankles.
Fuck.
Rae pulled them up and stumbled out of bed, feeling for the light switch. She turned and looked at Liam as he grabbed some blankets and covered himself.
"The fuck Rae?"
"We can't change."
"That's right."
"And we're not oil paintings."
"Yeah."
"You… you hate my body, don't you?"
He avoided her gaze and uncomfortably pulled his blankets around himself tighter.
"I mean. I haven't seen it, so I don't know."
"But you don't want to see it?"
He shrugged, his face dismissive of the whole conversation.
I had to know. I knew it was gonna hurt. But I had to know.
"Liam. I need to know."
"No. Ok? I don't want to see it. It's not like you want to see mine."
"You're wrong."
Liam was wrong about many things. I would have liked to see him naked – if he was my boyfriend. And I could change.
But I was done with this. I couldn't reach him if Kester never had.
I think I understood myself for the first time in months.
I didn't want someone that would hide in the dark with me.
I wanted someone that would walk in the light with me. Even if it were a struggle.
I wanted someone who thought I were worth that struggle. Someone who would help me when I needed it and leave me to it when I needed it.
I thought of Finn, punching that guy. I thought of Finn, letting me sit in silence when I were sad.
I thought of Finn, putting punching gloves on my hands – giving me the tools, the weapons, to fight.
And yes, I did think of his arse.
But mostly, I thought of his kindness.
I knew he was too good for me. But what if I could work to be good enough for him instead of running away? Or… or what if he really did like me as I was? What if I was good enough as I was?
I couldn't know that. Only he knew that.
I wanted Finn.
I always had.
I ached for him.
I missed him so much.
And suddenly all of the pain around Finn and my self-hatred and all the things that had happened with Finn and me came flooding back. I'd been repressing it so well, keeping it wound tightly down in the pit of my stomach. But now, now it was all coming back.
Liam watched as Rae started to cry.
"Oh don't cry Rae. I mean, I really like you. You're funny and clever, and I like spending time with you, it's just…"
I thought of how Finn had held me when I'd had been upset. Even though I never told him I were – he just knew.
What the fuck am I doing here?
I thought I wasn't good enough, I thought I wasn't worth the effort of trying. I was scared.
Scared that Finn would see it too.
I thought of his confused face when I told him he was an 11 and I were a 4.
What if Finn never would see it? Because Finn just thought I were brilliant?
I wanted Finn, who treated our relationship and me, like he was reaching up into the light.
Not Liam, who treat me like he was reaching down into the darkness.
"I can't do this Liam. I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything as I got my stuff and left. He just stubbornly looked at the wall. I tried to say sorry again, but I was crying pretty bad by that time and I don't think it made much sense.
But I knew what I wanted. And maybe it was even what I deserved. I wanted to be happy. I knew that might mean being by myself, mostly cos I didn't know where Finn were. I knew he were somewhere in Leeds. But I wouldn't be able to find him. I might have to wait till he came back to visit his dad. He might have found someone by then.
I knew what I didn't want – and it definitely wasn't what I deserved. I didn't want someone who thought I were shite in anyway. Cos I'm brilliant.
It were strange saying that. I hadn't said it since I were 8.
"Better get used to saying it." She muttered to herself as she squared her shoulders and left Liam's house.
It was going to be a hard battle. But I wanted to be well. Whether that meant having Finn, or not.
But I really hoped I could get well AND have Finn.
That would be ideal really.
She weren't at home.
I hadn't slept last night.
I didn't know what to say to her. I had tried a thousand different things to say.
My stomach was churning again.
Think of something else.
Dad had been right pleased to see me. He seemed to like Janice too. And she seemed to like him. He let her stay in the guest room which were good for her – it were pretty late.
I didn't know where Rae might be so I thought that maybe I could go to all the places I'd seen her hanging out.
Finn hunched his shoulders against the cold wind. He'd seen her near the hospital before. And he knew she had therapy here, so maybe he'd see her here. He lowered his eyes and huffed to himself as he walked faster.
Right into someone.
"Fuck, I'm sorry!
The man looked at him about to speak, and then looked again, as if recognising him.
"You're the boy that hurt Rae at the chip shop."
"What?"
Hurt Rae, what?
How does he know Rae?
"How do you know Rae?"
The man looked reluctant to respond.
Oh fuck, I don't have time for this shit. I need him to tell me where she is.
"I'm Finn, I'm looking for her. Do you know where she is?"
"You're Finn?"
He knows who I am. Who is this guy?
And as if the icy wind blessed him with understanding and clarity, he suddenly understood.
"Kester?" Finn asked excitedly.
"So Rae's told you about me?" He asked hesitantly.
"Yeah. Does she have therapy today? Wait you can't tell me that can you. Can I wait near your office in case she does?"
Kester hesitated momentarily and then considered what Rae might want, and what was good for Rae.
"I don't know."
"Well you can't stop me from coming into the hospital right?"
"Fine. You can wait outside my office. But for no more than 30 minutes right?"
There was a slight look in his eye and Finn understood.
I'll be seeing her in 30 minutes.
I've got thirty minutes to figure out what to fucking say.
Shit.
I think Kester will be happy with me today. I am feeling like I have made progress.
He always bangs on about progress.
This is the first time I really feel positive about everything.
I don't suppose it will last.
A few days of letting myself feel what I actually feel for Finn again, and not actually having him in my life… that'll crush me in no time.
Oh well, at least I'm chipper about the inevitable.
I just wish I could see him again. I can't believe I let him go so easily.
I know why I did it. I thought he'd be better without me. And there was Saul. Shudder. He said nice things about me, but he weren't nice. Actions are very important I've learned – more than words maybe. And Finn's actions were always right – always nice.
Oh fuck, I wanted to see him so much.
But what would I say to him?
Sorry I'm such a twat, Finn.
No – I've been a twat, not I am a twat.
Progress.
But really, what was I gonna say to Finn? Was there really anything I could say that would make him forgive me?
Probably not.
So I needed to just steady these feelings and hopes, and remember to be realistic.
Just because I maybe deserved Finn (I couldn't get used to thinking such a thing) – it didn't mean I'd get him.
I might never see him again.
What if I never see Finn again?
I don't think I'd handle that very well.
Oh fuck don't think about it – it's too depressing.
Oh fuck, is that Finn?
That can't be him.
What the fuck am I gonna say to him?
Hide.
No.
I got to see him again.
Put on your Rae armour, and fucking charge it.
Him.
Charge him.
And land on his penis.
No.
Must talk first.
He stood up slowly as he saw her approaching. She looked like… well he couldn't read the look on her face. But fuck, it was good to see her again.
"Alright Rae?"
"You left."
"Yeah. But… to be continued."
He didn't know why he'd said that. It seemed like a foolhardy move. But he lost his words the minute he saw that fire in her eyes.
She was so perfect. How would he ever be perfect enough for her?
He waited for her to respond. His toes scrunching in his shoes, his fingers tingling at his side. His eyes never leaving hers.
She looked down, and then up. She opened her mouth to say something when the door behind her opened.
"Rae?" It was Kester. A small smile crept onto his face when he saw Finn. "Your mother has gone into labour. She's fine, and she told me to send you home after our appointment."
"Oh. Right. Ok." She said. "Our appointment."
"Yes I'm sorry, but I have to cancel." Kester's smile looked almost genuinely sorry. "I'll see you in group." He nodded at Finn and closed the door.
Rae turned back to Finn and opened her mouth to speak, but the door opened again. She turned to it slightly frustrated this time.
"But you know Rae, a cancelled appointment can be an opportunity to really think on your emotions, and to try bringing them to the forefront. And perhaps, even expressing them. Try giving that a go?"
"Ok." Rae rolled her eyes at him and sat down on the set next to Finn.
"Ok?" He repeated.
"Yes ok." She sounded impatient. He closed the door gain.
She had been such a whir of thoughts and emotions over the last five minutes that everything was a blur. But one thing she did know is that Finn hadn't taken his eyes off her.
"Um. So."
Silence.
"Maybe you could come back to my place."
Why did I say that?
I sound like I'm desperate to get him alone.
Well I am.
But he doesn't need to know that.
"We could get some food and eat there?"
"I'd love to eat at your place."
Did he just-?
The look in his eye… I could swear he didn't mean food.
I wonder if he has gills.
No. Stop thinking like that Rae.
You've got to talk.
He paid for a cab so we didn't have the long walk to my place.
We were silent in the cab the whole time. His eyes were straight forward now. And I wondered what he was thinking more and more, to the point that I didn't even know what I was thinking.
Rae straightened her clothes when she got out of the cab. Finn was looking at her house. She took a deep breath and calmed herself.
"Right then."
I tried to sound cheery, but it didn't work. I sounded nervous.
Oh god, he's probably wondering what I'm nervous about.
They walked up to the door and Finn looked at her and smiled.
"Right then." He replied softly.
Rae tried to steady her shaking hand as she put the key in the door.
Oh god. Once we're inside I'm gonna have to talk to him, and explain to him how wrong I were and all the stupid things I did.
I wonder if I beg him, if he'll forgive me and we can go out again?
Oh fuck it, my stomach feels like there's a fucking cyclone in it.
The door swung open. Rae looked in at the darkened lounge room and then turned back to look at Finn.
And without a further word they were in each other's arms, their bodies pressed against each other, their lips finally, finally tasting each other after all of these months.
Oh my god!
How is this fucking happening?
Oh but fuck he tastes good.
And oomph he's strong!
Finn picked her up and swung her into the lounge room kicking closed the door behind him.
There was a frantic, necessary quality to their kisses, Rae found her hands grabbing his arse and pulling him on top of her as she fell back onto the lounge. He stopped when they hit the lounge and looked at her, long and hard.
He knew he didn't have the right words. But he could see in her eyes that she had missed him as much as he had missed her. He took her face between his hands and kissed her slow and hard.
When he was finished he looked at her again his heartbeat finally slowing down. It was ok. She was here with him. And she wanted him.
"Alright girl?" He asked as he kept his eyes on Rae's eyes and slowly moved his hands to undo the buttons on her shirt. She nodded and that cheeky smile he loved slowly snuck onto her face.
And then he felt his jeans being gently tugged at.
He had to laugh, while he was focussing on undoing her shirt, she'd already undone his fly.
He's laughing, but it's not laughing at me, he's just really happy.
I can't believe this is going to happen.
Me and Finn are gonna shag!
I don't care if he sees me naked. Actually I do – I WANT him to see me naked.
Rae suddenly sat up and Finn froze. He'd fucked it up – gone too fast.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"
She was shaking her head and laughing. She stood up in front of him and took her jacket off.
He understood. She wanted him to see her.
He laid back on the lounge, his pants half off leaving his underwear and the bulge of his cock poking out over the zipper.
"Ok. Show me. Please."
The look in his eyes was the most dirty, lustful look I'd ever seen.
I felt invincible! I felt like I was the sexiest woman alive.
He didn't just want to have sex with me.
He ached to see me. He wanted to have all of me.
I can see his chest heaving with excitement, and the grin on his fucking face - he really wants to see me.
Oh fuck, what if he doesn't like me when I'm naked?
Just do it Rae. It's ok to be scared – it's what you do with the fear that counts. You both want this. Do it.
Without taking her eyes of Finn's face she took her top off. He kept his eyes on hers, as she undid her bra and then threw it at him. He bit his bottom lip as she took off her pants, but kept his eyes above the neckline.
She saw movement in his pants. That bulge…
His cock…
It was moving, growing.
Oh fuck.
He waited for a moment longer, looking at her face with a look that almost physically fucked her right there before letting his eyes drop to her body.
I wanted to cover myself. I was so nervous.
But instead I closed my eyes and turned around on the spot.
I needed for him to see, and to still want me.
This was important. I needed this.
Before she could finish the turn and open her eyes he was there, his hands on her body his lips on hers.
She laughed with relief, but that did not stop him from kissing her, even when he started to laugh with her.
She ran her hands over his body.
Right Finn… Your turn.
Bloody hell!
Now that is a nice cock.
Oh wow. I guess that means he really did like my body.
"Right Finn, clothes off. My turn to see you."
He trailed his hands on her body, trying to keep touching her as she walked away and sat on the coach.
"Should I do a little dance?" He wiggled his hips a little. The tip of cock was poking out of his underpants, but he didn't seem to mind. He wiggled and turned and then gyrated until they were both laughing so much it hurt, but during all the movements he managed to strip all his clothes off.
"Do you like my body?" He asked quietly, vulnerable, trying to hide it.
Oh my god.
And finally I understood Finn.
How had I been so, so blind?
We had both had the same fucking daft thoughts about what we deserved and how good we were or rather, weren't.
"Of course I do, you dickhead."
"No you're the dickhead!"
I understood what he meant, he had come to the same understanding as me: we'd both once thought we weren't good enough for the other, but we both now hoped, almost knew that we were in fact, more than good enough.
It were so easy to get up and go to him. To press my body against his.
And god help me – it felt so fucking good.
"Finn Nelson, the things I'm gonna do to you."
The sound of his chuckle in the back of his throat sent shivers down Rae's spine.
"Alright girl, let's not forget the things I'm gonna do to you."
He kissed me with a force that knocked the breath out of me.
40,000 trains hitting me head on, at the same time, would not have had the same impact.
I wanted to kiss every single centimetre of his whole boy.
And I think Finn has the same idea!
Fuck me!
Finn took her breasts into his hands and kissed first one and then the other in long, opened mouth kisses, ending with the nipples which he teased with his teeth, slowly increasing the hardness of his nips until Rae exclaimed loudly.
I think Finn must have some fucking Octopus DNA, I couldn't figure out where his hands where at any given time.
All I knew is that they were all over me and it were amazing. I was a glorious goddess and he was worshipping at my altar.
Finn continued to kiss down her body, relishing the roundness of her belly, before gently guiding her to the lounge.
He knelt before her, no longer self-conscious and stared at her face, his hands stroking her hair.
"I love you Rae." He said it as if terrified of what she'd think or say, but also as if he knew it'd be ok.
Oh my god.
He said it.
He loves me!
"I love you too, you know?"
That smile of his does things to my innards.
Rae laid back, expecting Finn to climb between her thighs. But instead he ran his hands up her thighs. His fingers feeling the ridges of her scars.
I thought I'd be more self-conscious about it. But I weren't.
I don't know what he thought, but I do know that what happened next was unadulterated gill-inducing, earth-trembling orgasm making.
He went down for so long… well, he must be half fish
Oh wait – Octopus DNA!
OctoFinn.
Finn took his time, kissing the inside of her thighs, then running his tongue along outer lips of her vagina.
Ok Finn. You've been thinking about this moment for months.
Don't. Fuck. It. Up.
I just want to hear her scream so bad.
And she tastes so good.
Slow the fuck down, and pay attention.
She's shaking.
That's good.
His trailed his tongue between the lips of her vagina, grazing her clitoris. He heard her breath catch and knew she was aching for him to lick her properly.
You've got a fair bit more teasing to take yet Miss Earl.
He went back to kissing her thighs and had to supress a laugh when she groaned in frustration.
"Holy fuck Finn!" She moaned at him when his tongue went back to her clitoris.
Oh my god.
She has my hair. In her hands.
I don't think I can handle this.
I'm gonna fucking cream myself before I even get my cock near her.
Settle mate.
Oh fuck, why'd she have to be so fucking sexy?
She grabbed his hair and pushed held his face in place and Finn complied, more than willingly to her obvious demand for gratification.
His tongue felt like warm sun after a cold winter. Like the moment your stomach falls out of you on a roller coaster. Like finding a 20 quid note in your jeans. Like finding a place that no one else knows about. Like fucking puppy dogs and leprechauns – I dunno – it were just fucking brilliant!
Finn.
My Finn.
The sex wizard, was back on duty!
Finally.
Rae felt the heat emanating from where Finn was devouring her with a passion no one could guess that quite boy had, felt the heat and electricity spread through her groin, up into the pit of her belly. She felt the muscles in her legs start to feel like jelly. And she didn't even realise it, but a deep, guttural groan had begun in the back of her throat.
The sound she's making.
Holy fuck.
Holy fuck, she's close.
Her legs are shaking.
Fuck yes Finn – you fucking did it!
Jesus Christ! Well the neighbours know my name now.
I didn't know an orgasm could be like this.
I given myself plenty, but there was something about having a sexy man with head buried between your thighs that just made it more exciting!
Finn licked until her legs started to close on him; the shaking intense, but not as intense as her groaning, he got the message that he was done down there. For now.
He kissed his way back up her body, finding her mouth and greedily kissing her. His ache, his need for her was clear in the way his lips pressed upon her with such strength and force.
It almost knocked the breath out of Rae.
And with a surprise Rae realised that her need matched his. The kissing grew stronger, slower, deeper.
His hands moved slowly and with purpose now; finding all the places that made her body tingle.
And there it was. My hands were cupping his glorious arse. He seemed to like it too.
He seems to like it wherever I touch him.
But I can't seem to tear my mind away from his cock, pressing against me. Sliding against the outside of my lady bits.
Oh fuck.
I don't have a condom!
Oh no.
No.
Finn stopped moving, stopped grinding his hips into her and cradled her face in his hands, looking deeply into her eyes.
He grinned slightly embarrassed.
"I just gotta put a condom on, ok?"
"Yeah."
It were like England had won the bloody world cup. Crowds around the world were cheering.
Dancing and celebrating was breaking out on the streets.
My Finn.
He came through for me.
I'll just try to not perve at his body and drool as he finds his pants right?
No. Can't do it.
Where the fucking fuck did I throw my pants?
Behind the lounge right.
He slipped the condom out of his wallet. He'd first put that there when he and Rae started dating, just after that first kiss.
He knew some blokes didn't care, made their girlfriends go on the pill or have abortions and stuff, cos condoms supposedly didn't feel as good or ruined the mood. But he wouldn't do that to her. He'd wait however long it took, months, years, whatever, till she was ok with either going on the pill, or they were trying for a baby. Until then… he'd happily wear one of these every time.
He'd thought about that first kiss. He'd made a joke about shutting her up, but really he was covering for this intense urge to protect her from everything, even himself.
That was not an urge he was going to fight ever again.
He turned back to her.
The way she looks at me, you'd think I was a fucking Greek god or something.
She does make me feel like one.
He crawled up the lounge to her, snaking his way up her body, kissing her lavish curves to show his appreciation for them.
Just get this thing on.
Now then, where were we?
Right, Miss Earl's mouth has been neglected for too long…
Finn kissed her. His urgency was growing, and Rae easily matched it.
She wrapped one of her legs around his waist as he continued to grind his hips into her, his cock pressed against the outside of her vagina.
"You're such a tease!" She groaned into his ear. He groaned in response.
I want to be looking her in the eye when I finally…
It were like there was an invisible chord of electric heat between our eyes. I couldn't not look at his eyes. And then it happened. I felt him very slowly sliding his cock into me.
I felt like I was gonna cry.
All the months and all the stuff and pain that had led up to us finally uniting this way. I don't think I ever want it to stop. I want him to be in me forever. I just couldn't imagine this being anyone else.
Finn was careful, not knowing how much experience Rae had, not knowing if she knew what to expect.
She raised her hips to meet him.
He's stroking my hair.
The way he's looking at me.
I never knew I could be loved like this.
Oh fuck, he looks like he might cry too.
I bet he's thinking the same thing as me.
It really means as much to him as it does to me.
Rae couldn't help but gasp when he started to thrust a little harder. He slowed down again but she shook her head.
"It's good."
"You sure?"
She nodded and ran both her hands up his back, feeling every muscle move as he held his weight off her, but kept his body close. She pulled him closer and buried her face into his neck, smelling him. She kissed his neck and he groaned. His sweat and skin was salty and sweet…
Even if I licked his entire body, I would not have tasted him enough.
I have to look at him again.
She has no idea what she does to me.
Her lips on his neck, near his ear. The sound of her breath, like a whisper that entered only his ear.
He ached for her, even though he was here, as close to her as humanly possible, he still ached for her.
He sped up again, thrusting a little harder.
Making love to her was the most intensely pleasurable experience he could possibly fathom. She was his completeness. She felt like home.
He knew he should slow down, but he felt himself speeding up. She groaned again and met his speed, thrusting her hips and arching her back even higher.
He kissed her neck, her breasts, her face, her lips, every part of her he could reach – he kissed.
He felt her hands on him, felt her body pressed against him, felt her kissing him, felt nails in his arms as he felt her body shuddering.
She's coming again!
Heard her groans, but it was her words.
"Oh fuck Finn. I love you Finn! I love you!"
That tipped him over the edge. He heard his own groan intensifying.
Too soon.
Oh fuck it, you can go again later.
He didn't know what he was saying, but he knew it had a lot to do with Rae, his undying and eternal love for her and how fucking sexy and beautiful and perfect she was. It MAY have just come out in a jumble of words though.
They lay in each other's arms panting. Their sweat cooling them off quickly in the unheated house. He kissed her deeply again, the fire was now a smouldering ember rather than erupting lava, but it didn't lessen the intensity.
She liked that it was obvious he still wanted her. Right now even so close to just finishing.
"I hope you've got a second condom."
"Nope."
"You what?" She shot up as if he had declared that he had murdered all the kittens in Britain.
"I've got four."
"Fucking dickhead"
"You're the dickhead."
She stood up and turned the heating on, his eyes watched her hungrily as she moved across the room.
She sat next to him primly.
"We have to talk Finn."
"Right." He sat up, concerned.
She looked at him like she was disappointed.
"Your undying and eternal love." He started to laugh, "those are big words Finley!"
"Yeah well I mean them." He was suddenly serious.
"You're 17. And fuck, I'm 17 too now."
"Happy birthday Rae." They both paused for a moment before Finn cocked his head adamantly; "And I don't care if I'm 17. I can't see anyone else but you. Not since the first time I liked you. My mum and dad met when they were 15, started dating at 17. It can happen."
I nodded and we settled into a comfortable NAKED hug.
Naked!
But I don't know how I feel about that.
I mean I can't imagine anyone else either. But I feel so young.
But then, so what?
Oh I dunno. Maybe I just have to give this all of my love and effort and see what happens with no guarantees? I can't see what the future will be. But I know I love Finn with everything I am. Maybe it would last for all time?
Sounds so romantic.
He's tracing patterns on my skin.
My NAKED skin!
I do enjoy being naked around him.
And I very much would like to taste him again.
I haven't properly appreciated that beautiful cock of his.
I think we've had enough of a rest.
And it looks like he agrees.
I didn't know if we would last forever but I did know three things;
1. We were going to shag all night
2. We really loved each other and that meant anything was possible, and
3. I was never going to be able to look at that lounge the same way again.