Disclaimer: I do not own Yugioh, and I do not own Puppyshipping.

Author's Note: Apologies to any puppyshipping fans, but I just find the pairing so hilariously OOC 99 percent of the time that I HAD to bust out with a miniature parody. And hey, laugh along; it's good to laugh at yourself. This is not beta read, this was churned out quickly at work, and honestly, I don't care. However, if there are any grammatical errors, let me know. This is mainly for Malignant Era since she's always bitching to me about this pairing. I figured she'd appreciate it.

"What are you staring at?"

The blonde looked away. "Nothing."

"Bullshit. That's the sixth time in fifteen minutes that I've caught you." A slow, malicious grin formed. "Is your mind so empty you need to fill it with me all the time?"

"Shut up."

"Perhaps you should be filling the cracks with thoughts of your sister."

"…shut up…"

"In fact," he continued, grin widening, "I can provide those thoughts for you." Proceeding to detail nights he'd never spent with the redhead, Kaiba watched as his only companion in that lonely cell slowly turned a more impressive red than a beet.

"I said shut up!"

"Or what? Better calm down, I can see your brain melting."

Kaiba wasn't sure what it was about the boy that brought out his cruel streak so wildly. He fully enjoyed setting the boy up, watching him fall, and then laughing about it.

Only, their forced seclusion was getting to him more than he wanted to admit.

"Kiss already!" somebody hissed, and Kaiba spun, eyes scanning the empty cell.

"Who said that?"

Jounouchi had gone quiet. Meeting Kaiba's gaze, the blonde shook his head, clearly as perplexed as the CEO.

"Come on, kiss!"

Kaiba growled and spun, reflexes fast, and managed to catch a pale wrist of a darting figure. She was young, short – though everyone seemed short to him, save for that despised Egyptian who managed to be uglier than the mutt – and not especially memorable looking.

"Hey let me go!"

"Who are you?" Kaiba's grip only tightened.

"I'm an authoress!" the girl squeaked, emphasizing the word as if the added 'ess' meant much of anything, or somehow elevated her above a lowly 'author.' "I put you here."

"What? Why?" For one of the few times in his life, Kaiba felt perplexed.

Jounouchi, however, looked angry. Which seemed an almost perpetual trait for him lately. He went so far as to approach the two of them, dark eyes screaming murder.

"So you two can kiss!" the girl said, clearly exasperated. "I mean, come on. I know it, you know it, we all know it. You two are in love!"

The red in Jounouchi's face managed to turn green.

For his part, Kaiba only lifted an eyebrow. "Love," he repeated, not sounding overly impressed. "You clearly don't know me."

"You two are always fighting! Didn't you know that automatically means you're hiding your burning love for each other? Don't fight against it anymore. Give in!"

Experimentally, Kaiba shook her, and she squeaked.

"Aaah," Jounouchi said suddenly, relaxing. "I've heard of creatures like her. A fangirl."

"I have fangirls."

"Not like those. These like to sit around in dark rooms and pretend that 'hot bishies' like each other so they can…you know…" The red returned, a surprisingly innocent response from someone who lent porn to Yuugi.

Kaiba didn't miss it. "So they can what?"

"Show him!" the girl hissed enthusiastically. She went silent, however, when Kaiba shook her again.

Jounouchi cracked his knuckles. "What should we do with her?" he asked, deliberately ignoring Kaiba's little dig. He was used to it by now, in a way, though he couldn't help but get infuriated sometimes.

Occasionally.

All right, most of the time.

"Melt your heart, Seto!"

"What did you just call me?"

"You know that deep down, you really are a loving, caring human being! You were just hurt in your past and now you need someone to bring your defenses down and cuddle you long into the night."

"Cuddling. Yes. That's exactly what I'm looking for."

The sarcasm went right over her head and, in a way, encouraged her.

"And you, Joey…"

"Joey? Who's that?"

"Oh sorry. Katsuya."

"No one calls me that, not even my own mother!"

The girl ignored him. "You act all tough but you really want Kaiba to be your master!"

That elicited a genuine snicker from Kaiba, and Jounouchi shot him a glare. "Where are you getting this from?"

The girl looked left, looked right, and then lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Subtext."

"Move over, tough guy," Jounouchi said, pushing up his sleeves. "I'll take care of her."

"Now, now, this is just getting interesting."

"See!" she crowed happily, pointing at an area of space exactly halfway between the two boys. "Love!"

"More like hatred," the blonde muttered.

"I don't hate you."

"What?"

"I don't hate you." Kaiba did hate repeating himself. "You're not worth my hate."

"You…"

"Kiss and make up!"

Jounouchi nearly said something rather nasty, but Kaiba raised his hand, silencing him. "If you let us out of this cell," he said in a sickeningly sweet voice, something that was clearly not often used, "then we'll indulge you."

"We will?"

"Yes." Now his voice was tight. "We will."

Looking about ready to pass out from sheer joy, the girl snapped her fingers, and the cell vanished. Kaiba let go of her wrist, watching her with a deliberately blank expression, taking in the sheer joy in her features.

"This really gets you off, doesn't it?" he drawled, amused.

The girl nodded.

Tearing his gaze away, he approached Jounouchi. For his part, the blonde looked wary.

As he passed, Kaiba murmured with a flick of his hand, "Have at her, mutt. Just make sure you leave nothing behind. I'd hate to bloody my hands because of your incompetence."

With a red face, Jounouchi pounced on the girl, and her screams echoed off the empty walls.

Kaiba paused momentarily to watch, then slowly shook his head. "You can't change who we are," he murmured, before turning and walking away.