While you were sleeping :)
I watched him still all the time, he didn't notice though, not anymore. I mean why would he? He is too wrapped up in Douglas now. He has at last everything he has ever wanted, that being a normal relationship and although it pains me to say he looks truly happy. At times I'm glad he doesn't notice me watching him, he would only see the sadness in my eyes, he knows me and being Brendan Brady I have a certain reputation to uphold, it's all I have left.
Knowing where he is at all times has become part of my day and lately I seem to be spending more and more time stalking him, watching him and keeping an eye on him. I know when he works and when it's his day off, I know when he goes out and when he stays in. I know when he eats, when he showers, when he rows with Douglas and when he sleeps alone, I know it all. Maybe one day I won't want to know his every move, but until that day comes this is how it is, this is my life…he is my life.
Being Steven's landlord had its perks and tonight knowing that he would be alone in the flat warmed my heart slightly. No Amy, no kids and more importantly no Douglas, I lived for nights like this. I sometimes wonder what he would say to me if he found out how obsessed with him I'd become and how intense my actions were. Knowing Steven the way I do he'd probably mouth off, telling me he's in love with Douglas, shouting at me to stop stalking him. I can just picture it now and it brings a smile to my face, I haven't done much of that since Steven has been void from my life.
It was getting on for ten pm when I made my way round to Steven's flat; I could see that the light was still on, which meant he was still up. He was probably watching some crap on the tele; he had a fondness for Jeremy Kyle and other chat shows, no doubt he'd be watching one of them. I never did get his fascination with them. Luckily it wasn't too cold outside, as it was half ten when I saw his light finally go out. One good thing about Steven is that he falls asleep quite quickly so I wouldn't have much longer to wait.
Fifteen minutes later I made my way over to the run down council flat door, the same door I'd knocked on a thousand times, but this time I just used my key and let myself in. It was dark and a strong smell hit me the minute I was inside, it wasn't a horrible smell, it was a Steven smell…My favourite smell of all. I could almost pretend that we were still together, ye know coming in like this and that maybe I'd just finished at the club and the key I used to let myself in was mine because he gave it to me rather than because I'm his landlord. If only that were true, maybe I've just had too many whiskeys.
I make my way over to his bedroom; his door is open not wide open, but open enough to slip inside. He hasn't pulled his curtains fully and the light from the moon is shining in through the window, allowing me to see his perfect face. I almost gasp aloud; he is still as breathtakingly beautiful as he has always been. He is only sleeping on one side of the bed which as I remember isn't like him. When he used to stay at mine I would always get him taking up the whole bed, maybe he's just got used to sleeping with someone now. I can't help but feel gutted by this realization.
I quietly take off my shoes and jacket and slip into bed next to him, I feel a little disturbed knowing that I am laying on Douglas's side of the bed, but I have to rid these thoughts from my head if I'm going to watch my peaceful sleeping boy. He is sleeping on top of the covers, he has a pair of jogging bottoms on and I can see the waistband of his boxers. He has nothing on top and I lightly reach out to touch him and trail my fingers over his soft warm flawless skin.
He stirs a little and I quickly take my hand off of him, praying that he doesn't wake up, which luckily for me he doesn't. I watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes, he is snoring a little and I want to laugh, but of course I have to stay quiet, he can't know I am here. He is more toned than I remember and I desperately want to touch him, I wish I could. I wish I could feel him wrap his arms around me, I wish I could hear that contagious laugh of his and I wish we could just be together again.
They say time is a healer and I wish that were true, but I know that it's not as he hasn't been in my life for so long now and my feelings for him haven't changed. They are still there as strong as they ever were; I probably love him more if I'm honest. But he has forgotten me and moments like this are all I have left of him now, he doesn't even know it. He must be dreaming as he is smiling, I love his smile and then I hear it, my name. Fucking hell, he said my name and now he is laughing. I wait for him to say something else but nothing else comes and I want to get inside his head and find out what he was thinking.
What does this mean? Am I reading too much into this? I touch his face gently and rub my thumb over his lips. I then climb out of bed put on my jacket and shoes; I take one last look at him and whisper that I love him. I quietly leave the flat and for the first time in what feels like forever, I have hope. Hope that he still cares for me and hope that it's not over. When you have hope great things can happen and if I am ever lucky enough to get given another chance with him, I will tell him one day. I will tell him all about the hope he gave me that night…. while he was sleeping.
Please review :) xxxx