Chapter 19: Suprises
"Get dressed. Go to school. Go to sleep.
Get dressed. Go to school. Go to sleep.
Get dressed. Go to school. Go to sleep."
I whispered to myself this mantra trying to force myself to believe I could actually survive this day.
Today was the day I had been counting down for the last couple weeks, I could feel everyday incapacitate me more and more. But to know today was supposed to be Michael's 17th birthday, Michael's 17 years of life brought my already screwed up life to a lingering hault.
And as if that wasn't hard enough to deal with, Blake was out of town with his family for one of his cousins weddings. He felt terrible about leaving me, today of all days, but he was a groomesman and couldn't get out of it. I didn't want him to get out of it anyway, that would just be one more thing I'd be taking away from him, and another guilt upon my endless list of them. But I couldn't believe the lie I told to myself that I'd make it through the day without him, he could get my mind off of things, but I had to deal with the fact that he couldn't today.
I needed to man up but my heart kept giving in.
And so the day went on from the grueling, steaming one-hour shower I gave myself to let go of all my tears, to the long bus ride to school where I simply blasted music into my ears and wished for Blake to be comforting me. To hear his soft voice soothe me. But no instead I got to ride on the bus with these creatures people call teenagers. And yes I am one myself, but not like the ones I go to school with. The ones that say "like" ten times in every one of their sentences, care only about who they're dating, what clothes they're wearing, and whether they look "hot".
But to my benefit music tuned that all out, at least till I got to school.
That's when the real struggle began, I couldn't function at all. My first period teacher only called my name 3 times before some kid behind me slapped my shoulder to get my attention. And then when we were told to partner up in 7th period the teacher partnered me with the only girl left, Kayla, because well I usually partnered with Blake who wasn't here and I had totally zoned out in class.
"So, problems one through forty. Want to divide the work?" asks Kayla.
"What?" I reply distracted by the ticking minutes on the clock.
"Look if you didn't want to be partners you should have chosen another, and I'm not doing all your work, in case you were wondering" replys Kayla ticked off.
I look back at her, it's obvious she has a problem with me, and I couldn't think of anything I ever did to this girl I hadn't talked to in ages - but then it hit me. Kayla was the girl who Marcie was always making fun of when we were in 9th grade, and I am unproud to say I followed along. But the truth is, I never said anything bad about Kayla, I actually kind of liked her but I'd rather be in good terms with Marcie then be in good terms with her so I went with it. I used to be so shallow, when people's opinions of me actually mattered. Everyone liked me, but I never cared to wonder if I ever truly liked myself.
"Kayla, I'm sorry. For everything I ever did to you, for any pain I ever caused, I'm truly sorry. I hope we can start over" I said to her in all my sincerity.
"It's a little late for an apology" she replies.
"Yes it is, and I was not a nice girl, and I'm sorry, this is me owning up to that, you don't have to forgive me, but this is me apologizing" I replied.
"You'll never know what it's like on the other side of the glass door Alessandra, but for what it's worth, apology accepted" Kayla says back to me.
And those few words is all it takes for me to picture Michael singing me a song with that phrase.
"Alessandra where are you going? Alessandra!" I can hear Kayla and the teacher yell after me but I don't care. I leave the classroom and skip the 20 minutes left of school.
My heart no longer sinks at the sight of my moms car in the driveway when I skip simply because I've gotten used to it. And I think my mother has to as she no longer yells, though I don't think she has the heart to yell at me today. Instead she offers me to take me out to eat.
"No thanks, I'm really tired, long day" I reply.
But of course she insists and in less then 30 minutes we're on our way to my old favorite italian restaurant.
"So you and Blake?" she asks after the food arrives, eyeing me carefully making sure she hasn't crossed the imaginary border line of what will set me off.
"Do you really want to talk about this?" I ask her trying to find any safe route out of this conversation.
"Yes, I really do, so are you guys official yet? Will I be meeting him anytime soon? He seems like a great guy and all" she continues.
"How would you know he's a great guy, you've never even talked to him." I reply curious and deffensive.
"Instinct, his hair gives off the good guy type of vibe" she replies laughing at her own attempts at trying to be funny.
"He is, but I'd rather not have this conversation today?" I say.
"Sweety are you having commitment issues?" she says trying to be funny again.
"No Mom, please stop it with the jokes, not today" I reply way harsher then I meant to sound.
"I'm sorry everything I do or say upsets you, it's not on purpose you know, I'm just trying to be a good mother" she replies her eyes falling to her food covering up what I already assume are tears to come.
"You're a great mother, I'm just a terrible daughter, you deserve better, I'm sorry. Now eat before your sphaggetti gets cold" I say trying to sound warmer, trying to sound like her old daughter the one who would laugh at her terrible jokes and talk to her like she deserved to be talked to.
And be everything a good daughter should be, oh the before and after never ceases to amaze me. But the scariest isn't thinking it, it's facing it in the mirror, knowing all you've become. Which is why I tend to avoid mirrors and any thought of myself thats ever so depressing.
"Check please" says my Mom to the waiter though she's only tooken two bites.
"Mom what are you doing? Finish" I reply hoping I'm not the cause of the early departure.
"It's ok, I can finish it at home, I know today is dreadful for you sweety, you can sleep" She says looking at me with her compassionate eyes I could look into for ages.
"Thanks Mom" I say sincerely as we exit the restaurant and are home in less then 30 minutes.
I drag my unbearing legs upstairs and collapse myself into my all too familiar bed.
That's when I hear it, the soft noises of what sounds like something sliding across my carpet. No, more like the sound of clawing. I quickly get out of bed and grab my sandal ready to hit any spider if necessary. That's when I see a small box moving from under my bed I quickly kneel onto the carpet hessitant to open it as soon as I see it reads:
"To: Alessandra
From: Blake"
I grasp the edges and slowly take off the top of the shoe box.
And what I held in front of my eyes was the most precious tea-cup chihuahua I had ever seen. From it's miniature paws to it's cute little nose and golden colored hair. It was perfect. And it was mine? I looked at the note that was attatched inside the box reading:
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you today, I know it must have been really hard. But here's a small present from me to you. Don't worry, I already cleared him with your parents, who you should probably thank as well. I hope you love him, and remember this day from now on as a good thing, not a bad one. I can't wait to see you again. And I'll pick you up bright and early for school at 7 sharp. Be ready.
Keep your head up - Love, Blake"
"Oh my God" I whisper to myself, "aren't you adorable" I say talking to the puppy as if it could talk back. I then went down and thanked my parents, and had to wait till tomorrow to see Blake.
That night I went to sleep with my puppy refusing to name it untill I saw Blake. And in my dreams I didn't dream of Michael, I didn't feel any pain. I drempt that it was Blakes seventeenth birthday and he was standing in the middle of the road in the pouring rain blowing out the candles of his cake when a cars headlights flashed straight on him.
Then everything went black.