by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, PG-13, 1/1
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: To Linda, as always, for feedback, suggestions,
impatient pokes to make me write faster and more. Thanks Linda!
DISCLAIMER: Loathe as I am to admit it, Chakotay is not mine.
But I can dream, can't I?
FIRST OFFICER'S LOG Five years. Five long years. A lifetime. What if...?
No. Don't think about it. You're alive, Kathryn. You
have to be. I won't let you be anything else.
Five years had passed since the day Kathryn Janeway had transported
down to the alien ruins they had discovered and had set in motion the device
that had sent Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant. Five long years
since they had left her behind. Five years since he had felt peace...
It had been difficult enough for the others to go on with their lives
once they had returned home. There had been the shock of their abrupt
return; their sudden and unexpected reunion with loved ones; the hasty
inquiry by Starfleet and equally hasty pardon for the Maquis...and then...life.
Life without her. The others had coped -- somehow. Chakotay
hadn't.
We should have stayed on New Earth, Kathryn. Or you should
have let me come with you. Did you truly think you were doing me
a kindness by sending me away? I've been just as alone as you have.
Five years of unnecessary solitude. We could have been together if
you had told me what you were planning.
Why didn't you tell me?
The rest of the team took up their positions on the transporters.
Chakotay felt a reluctant smile pulling at his lips. They had all
come back, risking the dangerous return journey and still-experimental
alien technology. B'elanna, Tom, Tuvik, Harry, Neelix, even the Doctor...they
had all come, simply because he had asked it. Chakotay smiled slightly.
No. Not because of him. For her.
You would be proud of them, Kathryn. They've made good lives
for themselves. It wasn't easy, especially for the former Maquis,
but they did it...by sticking together, no matter what. They're all
still close, despite different assignments and locations. But they're
family. You did that. You were the glue that held us all together.
And I'm not sure how many of them ever really forgave you for leaving us.
I know I never did.
Chakotay shifted impatiently as two members of the U.S.S. Narragansett's
crew joined them on the pads. The others gave him a sympathetic look...and
then the transporter beams enfolded them.
* * * Chakotay blinked as he materialized on the planet. A harsh
wind howled through the alien ruins and the cold instantly numbed his bare
hands. The landscape before him was bleak and empty save for the
ruins and a few stunted trees. There was little light. Above,
a blue sun shone distantly. Chakotay shuddered.
How could you survive here, alone in this Hell for five years?
No one to talk to, nothing to do but survive. What did you eat?
Where did you live? And...what did you think? Did you come
to regret your decision? Did you ever decide that the price you paid
for our return was too high?
Did you stop hoping?
I would have.
"Spread out," he shouted over the wind, "and stay in touch. Paris
-- You're with me." The others nodded and move off in standard search
patterns. Chakotay paused for a moment, watching them go...and prayed.
* * * It was Tom who first detected the faint readings on his tricorder.
Their eyes met in the gloom, sudden hope flaring in them. Bracing
themselves against the wind and moving carefully over the uneven footing,
they hastened toward a distant cliff.
* * * The ground was eroding dangerously and it took longer than Chakotay
had expected to reach the cliffside. Finally though, they stood at
the top of a long, sharp drop.
Tom grabbed Chakotay's arm and pointed. "There!" Chakotay
strained to see through the shadows. He was right. A faint
flash of colour glinted at the bottom. Kathryn?
"I'll contact the Narragansett," Tom was saying, "Have them transport
us down."
Chakotay shook his head. "No. They had enough difficulty
beaming us through the atmospheric storms. We're going to have to
do this the hard way." He was already kneeling and uncoiling the
climbing gear from the pack he carried. He glanced up at the other
man. "Tell the others to meet us here." He looked back down.
"Hang on Kathryn," he thought desperately, "We're coming."
* * * They made the descent rapidly, but it still took far too long for Chakotay's
peace of mind. The patch of colour below hadn't moved in all this
time. What if they were too late? "Be alive, Kathryn," he told
her silently as he rappelled too quickly down a rockface. "Be alive."
Finally, after a lifetime or two, Chakotay reached the bottom, several
minutes ahead of Tom on the other rope. His feet had barely touched
the rocky ground before he was already unsnapping the lines holding him
and dashing to the still form nearby.
Kathryn. His heart caught in his throat and, for an instant, tears
blurred his eyes. And then he took a closer look and his heart jolted
painfully with fear. She lay still and unmoving, her face ashen and
her eyes closed. Only her hair moved, loose, blood-soaked strands
blowing in the wind. One leg was bent at an unnatural angle and blood
was pooling on the rocks from somewhere beneath her. A log recorder
lay in her loose fingertips.
Chakotay hesitantly reached out a trembling hand and touched her neck.
Her skin felt like ice. For a long moment, his numb fingers could
find no pulse and despair rose up within him. But then -- there it
was. Faint, but unmistakable. She was alive.
The exhilaration that swept through him left Chakotay weak and shaking,
but it was quickly replaced by a driving sense of urgency. There
was no telling how long she had lain here in the cold. He had to
get her to the ship...
And then Tom was beside him, shouting into his communicator for an emergency
beam out. It took far longer than Chakotay would have liked for the
Narragansett to get a lock on them, but just as he was ready to give up,
the air shimmered around them...
...and they were in sickbay. The Doctor, already there, rapidly
took charge, ignoring the Narragansett's own Chief Medical Officer.
Chakotay was unceremoniously brushed aside.
Don't die Kathryn. If you should die know, just as I've found
you again...
Please don't die.
* * * Chakotay sat beside the unconscious Kathryn Janeway, his hand holding
her still one. He hadn't moved in the last two hours, nodding only
as the others came and went, offering him brief snatches of conversation.
Every fibre of his being was caught up in watching her breathe...in feeling
the slow but steady pulse under his fingers. He counted each heartbeat,
each breath. And prayed.
She was alive. Battered, bruised, and bloody, but alive.
She had a broken leg and massive internal injuries, the Doctor had told
him, but she would recover. If they had found her much later though...The
hologram's voice had trailed off. Chakotay had nodded wordlessly,
then turned back to her, watching intently as the colour slowly returned
to her pale cheeks.
Come back, Kathryn. Come back to us. You're safe now.
It's over. We need you.
I need you.
* * * Some hours later -- Chakotay wasn't sure how many -- Janeway stirred,
and he stiffened, awaking instantly from his half-doze. "Kathryn?"
His voice was a hoarse whisper, as if he had forgotten how to use it.
Her eyes flickered open at the sound and she frowned, trying to focus.
"Am I dead?" Her own voice was rusty with disuse.
Relief so strong it was overpowering swept through Chakotay and he had
to fight the urge to leap to his feet and do something irrational, like
burst into song or dance a jig. Instead, he contented himself with
smiling widely and reaching up to brush a lock of hair out of her eyes.
"No, you're not dead."
Her frown deepened. "Chakotay?" There was a note of disbelief
in her voice.
"Yes. I'm here."
"How?"
"It's...a long story. But you're safe now."
Janeway blinked dazedly, still trying to take it in. Rescue...after
all this time. Her crew had managed a last-minute miracle after all.
"You came back." The disbelief was still there.
"Did you really think we wouldn't?" He said lightly, trying to
mask the emotions tearing through him.
"I...gave up hoping. I shouldn't have done that."
He frowned slightly, but managed to keep his tone light. "No.
There were a lot of things you shouldn't have done."
"You're angry." It wasn't a question.
Chakotay sighed and looked away, not releasing her hand. A long
moment went by. Finally he looked back. "I don't think we should
go into this right now," he said. "You're still not well. You
need time to recover."
She tilted her head slightly, wincing at the pain the movement caused.
"So you're going to wait until I feel better before you pick a fight with
me? Most kind." She gave him a tiny smile, a faint echo of
the one he remembered, and suddenly it all came crashing down over him.
She was alive. She was alive. Once more the desire to
do something irrational swept through him.
So he did.
He kissed her.
Janeway stiffened in surprise...then weakly reached up and held him,
as tightly as she could.
Chakotay broke the kiss fairly quickly and sat back a little, staring
down at her stunned face. A thousand emotions were running through
him, chief among them relief, remorse...and fear. What would her
reaction be? He might have just pushed her farther away than any
alien technology could ever do. For an instant he thought of saying
something...anything...of apologizing and brushing the incident away as
if it had never happened. But, in the end he said nothing.
Another eternity passed.
Janeway swallowed once then said finally. "Chakotay..."
He braced himself. "Why did you come back for me?" Her voice
was low and she didn't meet his eyes.
He answered quickly, not giving himself time to think about what he
was doing. "Because I love you." There. He had said it.
And his future trembled in the balance.
Her eyes had flown to his and she had stiffened. Finally, after
another long pause, she spoke carefully. "Did you beam my log recorder
back with me?"
Chakotay paused, frowning. Whatever he had been expecting, it
wasn't that. "Yes. Do you want it?"
She shook her head slightly. "No. But I wondered if you
had read it."
"No. It's your log. I wouldn't have unless..."
His voice trailed off. Unless you had died The unspoken
words hovered between them. His hand tightened reflexively around
hers. She gazed down at their joined fingers, but made no attempt
to free her own. Instead, she swallowed deeply once more, and met
his gaze. "I only asked, because there was something I said...at
the end...that you should know."
Chakotay stiffened. "Yes?" The whispered word was
barely audible.
"I said...I said that there had been a morning, two years ago, when
I finally stopped lying to myself. A morning when I woke up and realized
that I loved you. Had loved you...for as long as I could remember.
But it was too late. You were on the other side of the galaxy when
I finally said it and you couldn't hear me. And...and I wished I'd
been able to say them earlier. So that you could hear." Her
voice faltered but, blinking furiously, she continued. "I'm sorry,
Chakotay. Please forgive me."
And then he was gathering her up into his arms, holding her tightly.
Her arms twined around his neck.
"Forgive me," she whispered again, her voice muffled against his chest.
"I do love you, Chakotay."
And then her lips met his, and neither of them said anything for a very
long time.
* * * Personal Log: It's over. I've found her. And we're
going home.
Together.
FIN
NOTES: I hadn't planned to write a sequel to "Captain's Log"...but
I just couldn't help myself. It would help to read "Captain's Log"
first, although it's not really necessary. BTW - I wrote this a few
years ago, so this conflicts with the ending of Voyager -- although there
are a few similarities.. Guess that means it's an alternate universe
now.
Personal Log: I'm finally here. It's taken five
long years but Starfleet has finally found a way to replicate the alien
technology that sent us home... and I'm here at last. I just pray
that she's still alive.
Chakotay stood on the transporter pad, quivering with impatience.
The rest of the team were still gathering their equipment prior to beaming
down and he refrained from leaping at the controls and transporting himself
down now only by sheer force of will.
Janeway flinched slightly, hearing the faint undertones of bitterness
despite his efforts to hide them.
End Personal Log