The Penis Complex
A/N: This is only really rated for the use of the word 'penis', so if you have a problem with the human anatomy, don't read on. Otherwise, this is just a harmless bit of fanfic that I thought was funny.
Disclaimer: The Great J.K. Rowling is responsible for all things wonderful that I have stolen from her. I am not Great or J.K. Rowling, therefore I'm responsible for nothing. Don't sue.
"I HATE FRED WEASLEY!"
Angelina Johnson stormed into the Great Hall, where her fellow Gryffindor Chasers Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet immediately ushered her onto a chair between them, thinking something drastic had happened.
"Shh, what's the matter?" Alicia murmured. Angelina was as red as a Quaffle and was breathing rather like a psychotic axe-murderer.
"That git went and asked me out, that's what's the matter!"
Alicia and Katie froze, looked at each other, then looked at Angelina.
"Erm, well, that's great isn't it?" Katie asked timidly.
It was common knowledge that Angelina had sported an incredible crush on Fred Weasley since her second year, so normally this news would have been greeted with squeals and fainting, if not minor heart attacks.
"Well obviously not anymore," Angelina answered scathingly, buttering herself a slice of toast with more than necessary vigour.
"Obviously," Alicia muttered. "What happened in the last five minutes to change your mind?"
"Fred Weasley has a Penis Complex," Angelina stated huffily.
There was a loud spluttering noise as Katie choked on her pumpkin juice until Alicia patted her vaguely on the back.
"Er, what exactly is a 'Penis Complex', Ange?" Alicia asked in confusion.
"A Penis Complex is something every male has, but in Fred's case it is extremely severe," Angelina answered as if diagnosing Fred with a terminal illness. "See, I thought I liked Fred too, but today he asked me out and I knew I couldn't possibly date him."
"Ahh, yes, I see, that makes perfect sense," Katie said sarcastically.
Angelina glared. Katie squeaked.
"It was the way he asked me out. He didn't even ask. He just sort of swaggered up to me and said 'Oi, Johnson, you'll be coming with me to Hogsmeade then', as if I was just supposed to melt at his feet or something."
"And you didn't?" Alicia asked.
"Of course I didn't! I told him that he had to sort out his Penis Complex and then I might consider it."
"Right, well, you didn't exactly expand on what this 'Penis Complex' really is," Katie came forward.
Angelina looked exasperated that her two best friends hadn't picked up on what was keeping her from snogging Fred senseless.
"It's exactly that. It's what makes men think they're better than us. They think that having a penis makes them the superior sex! They think that they can get whatever they want at the drop of a hat because they pee out of a different hole to us! They think that –"
"Alright, Ange, we get it! Calm down," Alicia exclaimed, forcing Angelina's toast into her mouth to shut her up. Angelina had been working herself up to the point where she sounded like an exploded Howler, and people all over the Great Hall were craning their necks curiously to see where the noise was coming from.
"Mmffaurphmmffrr," Angelina mumbled through her toast, still enraged.
"Well, obviously we need to do something to make Fred realise he has this, er, Penis Complex," Katie said brightly.
"OBVIOUSLY we need to KICK HIM UP THE ARSE and CASTRA—"
"Ange! Quidditch practice! Now!" Alicia moaned, dragging her man-hating companion out the great oak doors.
"Er, Katie, what's going on with your mate?" Oliver asked warily, landing lightly next to his star Chaser.
Angelina was in the process of flying laps around the Quidditch pitch whilst hitting Bludgers in Fred's direction, and Fred and George were having a hard time making sure nothing hit its target.
"Man-hating issues," Katie explained. "Fred has a Penis Complex."
"Oh," Oliver looked highly amused. "What exactly is a 'Penis Complex'?"
"Don't ask me," Katie replied with a grin. "It's got something to do with the way men pee, I think."
"Ah. Should I be worried that flying Bludgers will soon be coming my way?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye.
Katie never got a chance to reply, as at that moment Alicia appeared on her broom, hovering an inch above the ground before landing.
"Slight problem with one of your Beaters, Oliver," she winced, pointing to the opposite end of the Quidditch pitch.
"Oh Merlin, did Ange knock him out?" Katie fretted as they sprinted across the pitch to the other side, where Fred was lying ashen-faced on the ground and Angelina was howling her eyes out beside him. George stood a little back from the scene as if he was mildly embarrassed or very guilty.
"Not exactly. George kind of followed through his swing a little too hard and connected with the back of Fred's head," Alicia admitted.
"Didn't see that one coming."
As they neared the trio, Alicia, Katie and Oliver slowed down, grins spreading across their faces.
"Looks like Fred's made a full recovery," Oliver smirked.
Angelina had suddenly swooped on top of Fred as he had regained consciousness, and the pair soon became entangled in a mess of flying limbs as they snogged each other senseless.
"I guess his Penis Complex has been cured," Alicia grinned.
"Well, if all it takes is a knock to the head with this thing…" Katie mused, picking up George's forgotten bat and eyeing Oliver with a glint in her eye.
He looked startled, then tried to make a run for it.
"Oh no you don't, Oliver Wood!" Katie yelled, chasing after him with the bat held high. "We're out to make the world a better place – one Penis Complex at a time!"
A/N: Yes it was short (my one-shots usually are), but other than that, what did you think? Funsize x x